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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homebirth

108 replies

CP191989 · 15/03/2021 10:43

Have name changed as don’t want to be outing.
My MIL rang the other day fuming. Long story so will try and keep it short. Sister in law is having a baby she’s in a same sex relationship something MIL has always had issues with she says she has nothing against it but had dreams her only daughter would marry and have kids (the way MIL had)
Anyway they are expecting its fantastic but then they told MIL they are having a home birth. The issue my MIL is having is that they live in flats so according to her everyone will be able to hear they have told neighbours no one seems to have raised issues but MIL just won’t let it go. She’s calling them saying they are being unsafe things could go wrong (I can understand her worries but it’s not her choice) she then got worse saying it’s selfish on neighbours they won’t want to hear it it could go on for days. Now SIL has got upset and thinks it’s because she’s in a same sex relationship and said MiL has always made life hard for her because of this. They now aren’t talking. I just wanted to see what others honestly thought. Is it unreasonable to have a home birth in flats? I agree with SIL that her mother has always handle her sexuality badly.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 15/03/2021 10:52

I had a home birth in a semi detached. My neighbour didn't even realise. I could hear her hoovering as I gave birth...

Warrickdaviesasplates · 15/03/2021 10:55

I think it'd be polite for them to give the neighbours a heads up before hand.

I wouldn't mind hearing birthing any more than I'd mind hearing day to day living noises. However, if I heard screaming etc and didn't know that was why then I might worry and potentially pop round to check they were ok.

I understand MiLs worry that something could go wrong, but she's being mean about the neighbours hearing and it just makes it seem like she's got a problem with "how it looks" rather than actual concerns for safety.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/03/2021 10:55

Especially if it’s a first baby I think the woman is mad anyway, whatever the other issues.
How long will it take to get to a hospital if things go wrong?

Labour is only ever normal in hindsight.

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 10:57

Where are they?

Around here all the home births have been cancelled for the foreseeable future because of the pandemic, and lack of ambulance availability etc. So I would start by investigating first what is allowed and what isn't.

It's none of MIL's business anyway. Nothing to do with her.

Every single woman I know who had a home birth ended up blue lighted to hospital, so I wouldn't take the risk myself, but your body, your choice.

JustLyra · 15/03/2021 10:58

Your MIL needs to get a grip. Your SIL is an adult and can make her own choices.

Have to say though "You live in a flat" is a new one in the anti-home birth excuses I've heard!

It sounds like your MIL is just using it as another excuse to disapproove of her daughter's choices.

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2021 10:59

I had a home birth with my youngest and I didn't even wake his toddler brother in the next bedroom, let alone my neighbours.

They never recommended it for a first birth though, although that was 18 years ago so things have obviously changed.

Wilkolampshade · 15/03/2021 10:59

I think your MIL is probably just panicking generally.
I had one in hospital, one at home. Probably was a bit shouty, but then you aren't really in control of that at the time. I think the noises you make tend to be low and growly rather than shrill and screamy IYSWIM.
All our neighbours knew things were happening with midwives appearing in the night and first born toddling off for a play-date elsewhere. They were lovely about it. People then knew all was well when they heard a new baby crying....ahhh, happy days. 😊

JustLyra · 15/03/2021 10:59

@thecatandthevicar

Where are they?

Around here all the home births have been cancelled for the foreseeable future because of the pandemic, and lack of ambulance availability etc. So I would start by investigating first what is allowed and what isn't.

It's none of MIL's business anyway. Nothing to do with her.

Every single woman I know who had a home birth ended up blue lighted to hospital, so I wouldn't take the risk myself, but your body, your choice.

Why the assumption that the SIL hasn't done this already?

Neither the OP nor her MIL need to investigate anything.

MuddleMoo · 15/03/2021 11:00

I would be so disappointed if my mum phoned my sister in law to complain about my birth choices.

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 11:04

Why the assumption that the SIL hasn't done this already?

Neither the OP nor her MIL need to investigate anything.

why the assumption that the SIL HAS done it?
I didn't say it was up to anyone else to investigate. My point is merely that if it's not allowed in her area, the whole fight is a moot point.

I don't care what people do or don't. I am not their midwife. As long as MY kids don't get woken up and are disturbed by a neighbour, it's a free country.

JustLyra · 15/03/2021 11:17

@thecatandthevicar

Why the assumption that the SIL hasn't done this already?

Neither the OP nor her MIL need to investigate anything.

why the assumption that the SIL HAS done it?
I didn't say it was up to anyone else to investigate. My point is merely that if it's not allowed in her area, the whole fight is a moot point.

I don't care what people do or don't. I am not their midwife. As long as MY kids don't get woken up and are disturbed by a neighbour, it's a free country.

why the assumption that the SIL HAS done it?

Because she's an adult and women generally are smart enough to reseach their own birth options.

My point is merely that if it's not allowed in her area, the whole fight is a moot point.

The whole fight is a moot point because it's sod all to do with the MIL...

snapple21 · 15/03/2021 11:22

@thecatandthevicar it is very unlikely your children would get woken up but why would it matter for one night? Very strange attitude.

SarahAndQuack · 15/03/2021 11:25

My SIL has extremely fast labours and therefore decided after the first (with full support of her midwives) that it was most sensible for her to give birth at home; her second was born in a block of flats and her third in a terraced house. No one was fussed and indeed I understand the neighbours were quite excited! I think as long as you inform neighbours it's something they ought to put up with.

MIL sounds very irritating.

luxxlisbon · 15/03/2021 11:30

I've not heard of home births being cancelled due to the pandemic. In my direct experience more people are opting for home birth than ever due largely to the covid restrictions particularly around partners.

There is no reason you would disturb anyone more in a flat than a terrace or a semi so it is an irrelevant point, not least because it isn't anything to do with your MIL.

PatsyStone39 · 15/03/2021 11:31

I had a home birth, admittedly in a detached house, but i never made a sound during labour. Turns out i'm one of these people who completely go into themselves when in pain. My midwife said a lot of people were like that, and it's more common than the screamy shouty stuff you see on TV. Who knows. Either way, tell MIL to mind her own.

AHobbyaweek · 15/03/2021 11:34

Most home birthing services are back up and running.
Also the evidence says that (even with first births) the outcomes are better at home.

YoniAndGuy · 15/03/2021 11:35

None of this is one smidgen of MIL's business and she needs to BUTT OUT before she finds herself a stranger to her grandchild.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/03/2021 11:36

Could MIL be genuinely worried about her daughter and baby dying or having complications and she has fixated on trivial (disturbing neighbours) rather than having a sensible conversation. Did MIL have a difficult labour perhaps? It doesn’t sound like it’s because her partner is female more a worry about SIL expressed badly. I would just say it’s upto SIL where she delivered and encourage MIL and SIL to speak.

Original poster
CP191989 · 15/03/2021 11:36

@MuddleMoo

I would be so disappointed if my mum phoned my sister in law to complain about my birth choices.
Yep I would have been too had it been the other way around especially as MIL was so behind me and my DHs pregnancy so I won’t be mentioning it to SIL as she doesn’t need the stress. She checked with midwife and home births in our area are going ahead the midwife has talked her through the advantages and disadvantages an ambulance to hospital from them probably 20 minutes maybe 30. I think it’s more MiL disapproving of her choices I’m pretty sure she’s let neighbours know but I will double check that last thing you want is the police turning up 😆
OP posts:
BlueSussex · 15/03/2021 11:44

My NDN in a terrace had a home birth and I didn't hear a thing.

Why on earth would it "go on for days?" MIL sounds horrid.

Yebanksandbraes · 15/03/2021 11:46

It's none of MIL's business.
Her role is to be supportive and she should respect their choices. Their midwife will have been very clear about risks and benefits of a home birth.
Their baby, their choice. MIL sounds awful.

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 11:52

Because she's an adult and women generally are smart enough to reseach their own birth options.

my local mother groups has very regular posts about women asking about home birth experience
then being told they are not happening at the moment

You have a very strong opinion on the subject, you don't even know when the birth is due. What is it to you?

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 11:54

[quote snapple21]@thecatandthevicar it is very unlikely your children would get woken up but why would it matter for one night? Very strange attitude. [/quote]
Why would it matter if my young kids get awaken by a woman giving birth? Are you for real?

I know 2 little girls who have been completely traumatised after witnessing their mother in labour and being rushed in hospital. Each to their own, but no one gets to impose that to my kids.

People have no respect for anyone these days.

Tinydinosaur · 15/03/2021 11:55

I'm having a home birth with my first baby. I live in a semi, our next door neighbours are due 6 weeks after us. I let them know just so they wouldn't worry if they do hear anything.

Your SIL needs to check if she can have a pool in a flat if that's what she wants, they're bloody heavy, I've read some people have been told they can't.

Both our mums expressed concern. So I reassured them, the midwives are buzzing about it, they didn't have a single concern and expressed that in many ways its safer, I've got more care, two midwives constantly at my side, incomparable covid risk. I'm calmer and less likely to need intervention and they have everything they need to keep us safe. But I also made it clear, that they didn't get an opinion, the decision was made, and they should trust me to make the right decision for my child.

annonnymous · 15/03/2021 11:56

I think home births are unsafe anyway, but its their choice, and MIL should butt out