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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Homebirth

108 replies

CP191989 · 15/03/2021 10:43

Have name changed as don’t want to be outing.
My MIL rang the other day fuming. Long story so will try and keep it short. Sister in law is having a baby she’s in a same sex relationship something MIL has always had issues with she says she has nothing against it but had dreams her only daughter would marry and have kids (the way MIL had)
Anyway they are expecting its fantastic but then they told MIL they are having a home birth. The issue my MIL is having is that they live in flats so according to her everyone will be able to hear they have told neighbours no one seems to have raised issues but MIL just won’t let it go. She’s calling them saying they are being unsafe things could go wrong (I can understand her worries but it’s not her choice) she then got worse saying it’s selfish on neighbours they won’t want to hear it it could go on for days. Now SIL has got upset and thinks it’s because she’s in a same sex relationship and said MiL has always made life hard for her because of this. They now aren’t talking. I just wanted to see what others honestly thought. Is it unreasonable to have a home birth in flats? I agree with SIL that her mother has always handle her sexuality badly.

OP posts:

mamawithfive · 15/03/2021 13:16

I had a home birth in a mid terrace, very thin, rubbish walls. Neither neighbour had a clue.

JustLyra · 15/03/2021 13:17

@WorraLiberty

It makes me wonder how some kids get through life if their parents think they're that entitled to be considered first at all times, over and above anyone else's personal plans.

It also makes me wonder how they'll cope with the utterly unrealistic belief that neighbours should never be heard in flats when they're older.

Basic noise; hoover, washing machine, something being dropped, occasional DIY/building furniture, a child crying, someone in pain if they fall and even the odd noise from the rare occasion of a home birth are not remotely unreasonable sounds to hear in a flat.

AegonT · 15/03/2021 13:18

This is your SILs decision. I understand you MIL might be worried about her and the baby but if she's said that to her already and it hasn't changed her mind then she should just be supportive. They are still supporting and in no way discouraging home births here. I don't think the neighbours will mind and they've been informed. Even if it is a long labour I doubt it would be loud for long.

MuddleMoo · 15/03/2021 13:18

I'm sure the midwives will tell her if her flat isn't suitable.

Tinydinosaur · 15/03/2021 13:19

I can't believe anyone would think that their neighbours need to consider them in their birth choice. Like God forbid you and your children aren't the most important thing to your neighbour when she's planning how to bring her baby into the world.

If a midwife is happy that you're safe having your baby at home, then it's not for anyone else to say you're not.

RealisticSketch · 15/03/2021 13:20

Reassure your sil that her home birth will be brilliant, there are so many advantages to them. Mine was not noisy and the neighbours had no clue.
For a home birth you have 2 midwives in attendance all the time... Don't get that in a hospital. Unless she lives on a remote island/rural she can be in emergency room as quick as if she was on the ward if needed, my friend needed emergency intervention for her hospital delivery, by the time it was prepped and ready it was no quicker than of she'd been on her way in an administrative. Home is calmer and more consistent support so more conducive to a smooth delivery anyway, the boat responds well to feeling safe when giving birth. Reassure your sil and mil will just have to try to salvage her relationship when she calms down

RealisticSketch · 15/03/2021 13:21

Ambulance not administrative. 😆

Ismellphantoms · 15/03/2021 13:22

A friend was very anti home births. She went to hospital in labour with number four and was turned away as they said she was too early to be admitted. A half hour trip home in a taxi costing £60 and as soon as she got in the door she was in full blown labour. Baby was delivered by a young male paramedic who had never seen a birth before. In the morning she had to go and apologise to all the neighbours in her terrace who had been woken up by her screams. Until you have your first baby you don't know if you'll be a screamer t not. I was and would never inflict the noise on my neighbours. The MIL has a valid point re flats.

TatianaBis · 15/03/2021 13:22

I think everyone needs to butt out.

oblada · 15/03/2021 13:24

I've had 3 home births (for my 1st one it was planned at home but went to hospital part way through - no panic or issues tho, just mw getting a bit worried about how long things were taking) and therefore on all of them I had my other children around.
For my second child (1st home birth) my 3yrs old was having dinner with my MIL downstairs. For my second child I gave birth after the girls bedtime. For my 4th one it was v early morning, before 5am.
Most of the time my kids were pretty oblivious about it. My son woke up (normal for him, not necessarily because of me) during my last home birth and saw me briefly then DH took him back to bed. All perfectly natural and they are all v well rounded children who were ecstatic about the arrival of their sibling.
So no I definitely wouldn't worry about the neighbours.
I wasn't quiet but the noise was only over the last hour or so. No reason for a labouring woman to scream for days on end really... and of course it's none of MIL's business.

Original poster

CP191989 · 15/03/2021 13:26

I hate the idea of home birth it scares me incase things go wrong but I wouldn’t ever put that on my SIL I have spoken to her and said have you thought about the pros and cons and they have as a PP said if you go and get turned away you may end up having it at home.
She’s let all her neighbours know (opposite above next to and below) and all said really nice things.
I think had MIL not been so difficult with her sexuality then she’d see it as corncern but given the history between them it’s hard to see it any other way but judgemental.
I know if I lived in a flat I wouldn’t mind home births even with 2 small children. I’m sure it won’t be much different to a baby screaming all night

OP posts:

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 15/03/2021 13:30

Home birth is statistically very safe.

I'd just warn the neighbours in advance. IME they all get very excited. One was round to see the baby before she was an hour old (I had said it was okay).

Biffbaff · 15/03/2021 13:31

YABU I had a home birth in a ground floor flat. Nobody mentioned it so I assume they were unaware. Even if they were, so what?

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2021 13:36

@JustLyra exactly!

EasterGuineaPig · 15/03/2021 13:39

It’s really nobody’s choice but the woman giving birth. If she’s 30 minutes away from hospital then the threshold for potential concerns requiring transfer will be really low, that might reassure your MIL.

Cokie3 · 15/03/2021 13:44

I agree strongly with your MIL. I've always thought homebirths are incredibly selfish and irresponsible, if something goes wrong with the birth/the baby, they'd never forgive themselves! It's why maternity in hospitals was invented.

And I live in a detached house and no way would I even think of inflicting that on my neighbours, let alone living in flats! That is sheer selfishness!

I would say to SIL "I don't want to get into an argument with you, but I completely 100% agree with MIL on both irresponsibility of homebirth and selfishness of homebirth in flats, that's all I'm going to say".

faithfulbird20 · 15/03/2021 13:45

I can understand the bit about safety as someone who had an undiagnosed breech it was scary. Also knowing my neighbours and how petty they are, they'd be knocking on my door from all the noise if I had a home birth.

Cokie3 · 15/03/2021 13:47

@EasterGuineaPig Half an hour away from a hospital would be a great cause of concern for most people. Things can happen in 10 mins, let alone waiting for an ambulance, then waiting to be stabilised/organised into the ambulance and then potentially hitting traffic or some accident/incident.

It's all extra strain and stress on the ambulance system, which adds another layer of selfishness onto home births.

JustLyra · 15/03/2021 13:50

Homebirths are not unsafe.

In fact in many cases they are safer than hospital births because you have the undivided attention of one midwife, then a second, which many many hospitals simply do not have the staffing levels to provide.

No-one would ever declare a woman irresponsible for giving birth in a hospital that has a poor record, yet people say it repeatedly about homebirths despite the statistics clearly showing otherwise.

EasterGuineaPig · 15/03/2021 13:55

[quote Cokie3]@EasterGuineaPig Half an hour away from a hospital would be a great cause of concern for most people. Things can happen in 10 mins, let alone waiting for an ambulance, then waiting to be stabilised/organised into the ambulance and then potentially hitting traffic or some accident/incident.

It's all extra strain and stress on the ambulance system, which adds another layer of selfishness onto home births.[/quote]
I’d never have a homebirth personally having had a high risk pregnancy and a PPH. But I also wouldn’t have met the criteria. Although I wouldn’t have one it is still the woman’s right to choose, not her mother’s. The rate of ambulance transfer does not seem to be particularly high from what I’ve seen on my local maternity unit stats. It isn’t the choice I would make but I don’t think it’s a selfish choice.

Glintwithpersperation · 15/03/2021 13:58

I had 2 home births (and a failed first one). One was in a flat, the new neighbours hadn’t noticed that I was pregnant and thought that we were both pissed and rolling around 🤣

luxxlisbon · 15/03/2021 14:00

@Cokie3

And I live in a detached house and no way would I even think of inflicting that on my neighbours, let alone living in flats! That is sheer selfishness!

Considering statistically home births are safer and lead to less complications for mother and baby surely it is more selfish to think someone should give birth in a riskier situation because of a one off few hours noise?

Cokie3 · 15/03/2021 14:00

@JustLyra If anything goes wrong in a hospital you are close to crash cart/resus machines, NICU, operating theatres etc.
So to say homebirths are not selfish and irresponsible is wrong. They are far riskier than a birth in even a hospital with a not so good record.

Because they have the amenities to act at a moment's notice. You don't have that at home.

Cokie3 · 15/03/2021 14:02

@luxxlisbon Where are you getting those statistics from? It makes no sense to say, as I said in my post only a minute ago that it not safer giving birth in a place where there is an operating theatre, where there is a NICU, where there is oxygen and where there are rusus/crash carts. No one can rationally argue giving birth in a place without any/all of the above is 'safer'. How does that make any logical sense?

JustLyra · 15/03/2021 14:02

[quote Cokie3]@JustLyra If anything goes wrong in a hospital you are close to crash cart/resus machines, NICU, operating theatres etc.
So to say homebirths are not selfish and irresponsible is wrong. They are far riskier than a birth in even a hospital with a not so good record.

Because they have the amenities to act at a moment's notice. You don't have that at home.[/quote]
No. Hospitals perhaps should be safer, but they are not. The statistics clearly show you such.

Saying homebirths are selfish and irresponsible is your opinion, which you seem to have confused with facts.

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