To really wish my parents hadn’t decided to make my middle name my given name

[abigbloodynuisance]

This has always annoyed me. Names are fictitious.

Name is Anna. Middle name Doris. Surname Donaldson.

Parents realise Doris Anna Donaldson spells DAD and think it’s funny so decide to go with that. But I’ve only ever been known as Anna. However, passport, driving licence, etc, are all Doris Anna.

It’s caused so many problems in big and small ways and mostly it’s just embarrassing having to explain myself. (It doesn’t help that my actual name is foreign so I always have to spell it anyway!)

I know I’ll get people who haven’t RTFP telling me to change it but since my line of work requires me to state any name changes it looks a bit peculiar and looks like I used to be called Doris and decided myself to be Anna and I didn’t!

So AIBU for being a bit fucked off about this? Note ‘a bit.’ I haven’t been stewing on it for forty odd years but it does annoy me a bit.

Our system at work allows for ‘formal salutation’ and ‘informal salutation’. So if we’re addressing an official document we use the formal first name but the letter/email/less formal stuff gets addressed to your preferred name. It’s useful for your situation but also for David/Dave, Christina/Chris etc. It also shows our clients we actually know them when they get an email or mail run which is addressed to their preferred name. There’s no reason your bank or anyone else can’t do similar. They just have to set an extra field on their systems.

My DM and all her siblings are know by their middle names but get called their first name in various situations. Makes it very confusing as one has the same middle name as another’s first so different groups call each the same name depending on his they know them. I am also know by a shortened version of my given name. I don’t answer to my given name. It does jar when I open my banking app etc and it has a name on there I don’t associate myself with, so I do get where you are coming from although I rarely have to explain it as most realise my shortened name is a derivation. Work did change my email address to my known as name after I asked them too. No answers really but maybe petition your bank etc to adopt formal and informal salutations or at least ask if their system allows for such.

I’ve always known my older sister by her middle name. She decided when she was 3(!) she didn’t like her first name being linked with her middle name. Example Mary Louise but everyone called her Mary-Lou, she wanted be called Louise but then changed that to Loulou in her 20s.

She still uses Mary Louise on official documents though.

I try hard to call her Loulou now but she doesn’t mind if I call her Louise.

I had it worse!
My mother was Charlotte Lynn Smith. Called Charlotte.
My cousin was Charlotte Lynn Smith. Called Charlotte Lynn.
I was named -- Charlotte Lynn Smith. Called Lynn, until my mother's death and now called Charlotte.
Also, all three of us worked for the same company and were constantly having to correct paychecks, and retirement deposits, and vacation/sick leave. When my cousin retired, I got a nice gift card from the company.!!!

@bigbluebus

My DF was always known by his middle name in his family but in our family and my DMs side he was always called by his 1st name. I don't understand how this happened as presumably this meant that for the 1st 24 years of his life he went by his middle name but presumably introduced himself to my DM as 1st name. I've never really thought about it before - just accepted him called by either name depending on who was addressing him and he's no longer around to ask.

My mum is the same. She says when she started school, they called her by her first name and she didn’t feel confident enough to correct them. So thereafter, in her family she was known by her middle name, but anyone she met outside the family, she was known by the other.

OP please go and download a deed poll and change it. It will save you so much anguish.

This is one of those problems where the thought of fixing it is harder than actually doing it.

There are special sections on DBS forms where you list former names, and you have to provide one extra document (the Deed Poll). That's IT. Simple. Nobody bats an eyelid. I've renewed mine a couple of times now, no queries no problems.

On the actual process, just get about 10 copies of your Poll and send to everyone, most will send it back once registered so you can use again... as I said, the thought of it is worse than actually doing it. I dithered for years and only changed when I married and went double-barrelled, so got shot of my hated first name at the same time. I so wish I'd done it when I was 18 so all my certificates and degrees were in my preferred name!

So basically, if you need help working out whether making the change would made a sufficient difference for you to be worth the hassle,, create a couple of email addresses or online accounts.

If you can, use the different versions as your username, if not use them as passwords. See if the changed version gives you a different feeling to the current one. If you get a positive feeling from it change it.

Your relationship with yourself will be improved from going through that process will be improved regardless of whether you change your name or not, as long as you listen to yourself.

My mother was known as her middle name. I never understood why she didn't just get it 'officially' changed. I guess she didn't want the short term aggravation. Personally I'd change my name on all official records. You don't even have to do deed poll - it just helps.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I had it worse! My mother was Charlotte Lynn Smith. Called Charlotte. My cousin was Charlotte Lynn Smith. Called Charlotte Lynn. I was named -- Charlotte Lynn Smith. Called Lynn, until my mother's death and now called Charlotte. Also, all three of us worked for the same company and were constantly having to correct paychecks, and retirement deposits, and vacation/sick leave. When my cousin retired, I got a nice gift card from the company.!!!

My head hurts

This sounds like it's quite a big deal to you so I would get it changed officially. It might draw attention to it for five minutes and you might have to change a few things but once it's done it will be done for good and you'll hopefully be happier in the long run x

Haven't read the full thread but feel your pain....

And funnily enough my dad went by his middle name as he hated his first name. Mind you his first name was Gideon.

Lmao change your name OP. How often are you really asked ‘have you gone by any other names and if so why did you change it’ in your day to day life?

And why do you think changing your name from ‘Jane Lisa Doe’ to ‘Lisa Doe’ is so weird and hard to explain?

‘I prefer my middle name’

whoa! Crazy!

This is also a Northern Irish thing with names, both my dad, Granny, my brother and all my dads brothers have a first name and a middle name and all are known from birth by their middle ‘chosen’ name 🙄 my brother HATED it as he was called Nigel by his teachers when his chosen name (as in chosen by his parents and all he’s been called since birth!) was way more suited to a small boy in the 90’s. As that was the name that appears first in all his paperwork and is my dads chosen (middle!) name 😆 he gets so angry, that’s NOT my name it’s my dads name 🙈. So complicated to explain as a young child and he’d get in trouble for not responding to his name occasionally as he wouldn’t realise they meant him if it was a new or supply teacher, he hates it.

@abigbloodynuisance

That’s not really what I mean though chameleon. changing it seems to almost draw more attention to it. Plus it still fucks me off that I should have to, tbh.

It doesn't really draw attention though, does it? You simply notify the bank, your employers, your doctors and anyone else who needs to know when you change it officially, and basically that's job done. After a few weeks no-one will remember or care that you changed it. And as you seem to be fucked off by the current situation, why not take a few simple steps to remedy it? No-one else is going to do it for you.

I had this, at 7 I insisted being called by my 1st name so family called me by my middle name everyone else by first name.

Pain in the arse.

@abigbloodynuisance

I’m not saying it’s an outlandish tale, but my point is there wouldn’t be a tale at all. It would literally be - have you been known by any other names ‘yes’ and then what those names are. And it looks a little odd, so I’d rather not do it. Perhaps you would do it differently which is fine. I just personally find it irritating.

Which do you find more irritating, your current situation or spending 5 minutes telling your employers about what you did to rectify it?

Honestly, just change it. It will keep coming up your whole life if you don't. My grandfather had the same thing and in the nursing home at the end they would call him by the wrong name.

It's not peculiar to change your name. It's not odd or uncommon. It won't look like you're trying to hide anything - you are declaring it, the opposite of hiding.l it.

It will be a PITA to do and change things over but once it's done that's it, over. You don't have to be annoyed anymore. All you have to do on forms is put

Name: Anna Donaldson
Previous names: Doris Anna Donaldson

Honestly, nobody will bat an eyelid. Everyone who has changed their name on marriage has to do it.

@abigbloodynuisance

I’ve no idea if they care or not, it’s just that my instinct is not to draw attention to myself and explaining a name change does

It is something and nothing I suppose. When I was younger I honestly thought my parents must have hated me. I obviously don’t think that now but I do think they were thoughtless.

As you are changing the names around I don't think they'll see it as odd at all. If you went for a completely random name perhaps, but they probably still wouldn't be overly arsed.

Just change your name. ‘I’ve always been known as Anna anyway so decided it makes sense to change it officially’ isn’t going to raise any questions or eyebrows no matter what your job is.

I can see why it would be frustrating, especially when official things at some places make it more awkward - though, for the penultimate paragraph - during immigration and with DBS checks, I had to list all known names and I did used to worry that the changes I've had would look peculiar or make things harder, but it really doesn't.

I technically have 2 'from birth' names. My parents, for reasons unknown to me, raised me with a name that isn't the same as my birth certificate. I didn't find out until I was 17 -- after my high school diploma and test documents were already in hand with what I thought was my legal name. I keep worrying that will be picked up and I'll have to somehow prove that, but no one really seems to care.

When I first immigrated on a spousal visa, I only changed my surname at first because I was warned it would look weird to change my whole name right after immigrating (I'd always planned to change my whole name asap). I changed it after getting indefinite leave to remain, but before going for citizenship as I wanted the naturalisation certificate in my name.

So I've 4 known as names and on my DBS certificate it does look a little weird, and I do dislike how on my naturalisation certificate the name on my birth certificate that I've hardly used has to sit there alongside my current name, but it's not really as weird or off-putting for me as having a name that I've chosen that makes me happy.

YANBU OP, the amount of sheer faffery involved in naming your child one name and then refusing to use it results in all sorts of issues at school Etc.
There was one poor girl at school whose parents named her (something like) Geraldine, but called her Roxie - to which she always answered. She was forever getting in trouble for not responding to teachers who refused to use Roxie!
A name is for life and parents should be choosing the right one for their children. I suspect most cases like this are caused when there’s an expectation that E.g. the first child is given a “family name” but since we have surnames, IMO that’s no longer necessary!

I know a family that has done this to their children. Both were called by their middle name immediately after birth. I'm totally perplexed by their decision to do this. I was once with them in a waiting room and when their child's name was called not one of us, including the parents, responded because it was not the name they were ever known as. I would really have to question my parents sanity if I was one of those people.

What a completely peculiar thing. Surely you just give your child the name you want them to have, not give them a different one and then swap them about

I'd like to add to my 3 names palaver that in the end I chose my first name from my birth name, middle name from adopted name and, after divorcing, my surname from adopted name.
So I'm on my 4th name. I swear I'm not changing again.

I love MN

‘I don’t want to change my name officially’

Everyone - ‘since you are so furious / anguished / distressed change your name.’

Can I just politely point out that describing a perfectly calm if morose OP as anguished, angry, etc, is a feminist issue? Ty.