Would you think it unreasonable?

[YoyoLoco]

If a step parent who used helped out a lot, stopped doing so when they had their own child?

By help out I mean things like school runs when parents couldn't, having DC during lockdown or helping with childcare in general etc...

Did you not have the discussion with your partner that it’s difficult juggling a baby and an older child? Surely it’s their problem to sort out not yours.

No, things have changed.

Not unreasonable. The responsibilities lie with the child’s actual parents l think, they are the ones who chose to have them

I’d be wary of how this came across to the DSC. I wouldn’t want them to feel pushed out by the new baby. But YANBU to be doing less when you have a newborn to look after. It’s natural that you will have much less time available. DSC would still need to come over sometimes during lockdown though to be with your DP but I think it would BU to expect you to do school runs etc. with a newborn.

I’d be wary of how this came across to the DSC.

Me too. It does rather look like you were practicing/auditioning with the SC then didn't have to bother any more when a 'real' child was in the mix.

I can't believe the answers here! No you don't stop looking after your step children! They are your family now. As a step mother to two boys, one of whom lived with us, I don't understand how you could! They are your children's siblings. You aren't 'helping out', you are being a (step) parent.

Yes of course that would be unreasonable! I am hoping to have a baby soon and I wouldn’t suddenly stop doing all the things I’ve been doing with DS like he no longer exists. Would you suddenly stop taking your eldest to school because you had another baby?

@Midlifephoenix I really find attitudes like this (the thread, not yours!) astonishing, my DSS doesn’t live with us but EOW. I do school runs when his dad can’t etc. because while I’m not his parent I’m in a parental role and so have that relationship. I’m always amazed on Mumsnet when you’re basically told to just randomly live with your partner’s child and do nothing at all like a parent because it’s not your business/job. I signed up to be with someone with a child so as far as I’m concerned they are my concern too and I look after them the way I would my children. It’s mental.

What the last 3 posters said. You dint drop your step child because you are having a baby. That poor child

I would think it’s unreasonable yes, a step child isn’t a stand in. That being said in the first few weeks of a new babies life even biological older children need to be looked after more by the other parent

I would think it's unreasonable, it's quite hurtful towards the other child. If you get with someone who has kids, you accept the child as part of the family and if you can help out why wouldn't you?

Of course for the first few of weeks while you find your feet and rest you do less as in ideal circs do all women. However then no. DSS came more afte DS1 was born, we and his Mum encouraged him to come more so he felt part of the changed family. We tried to put him centre. He also was a great help with the kids (he was 9 at the time). In fact today (15 years later) he is taking them to the Dentist as he is furloughed. He is as important as they are and DSC need to be prioritised. However perhaps you DP needs to step up?

Are you talking about your dc's step parent with their other biological parent. I'd think it sad but unfortunately there's not a lot you could do if their other parent doesn't step up. If it's you who wants to step back from your stepdc then I think it really is unconscionable. The feeling of abandonment for the dc must be awful.

If it was your biological child would you stop doing things for them? Their actual parents should step up while you have a tiny newborn but if it is an school run arrangement (for example) that is the status quo it should stay that way for the sake of the DSC. Other parents with a newborn have to get on with it for the sake of their biological children.

That said, if you feel you are defaulting to taking care of them as their actual parents are taking advantage (i.e. making plans because 'its ok, Yoyo will have them shes on maternity leave') then thats not right and you need to have strong words. The newborn in this case would be a red herring.

If they used to help out a lot and completely stopped, that would seem unreasonable. But it also sounds like the DSC's parents may have been relying too heavily on the step parent. Did the step parent offer to do the school run etc, or was it sort of expected of them...?

While you don’t have to help with step kids, it would be very hurtful to the children if you suddenly stopped being as involved as they’re used to when you had a new baby.

I wonder if the parent left too much to the step parent and she has realised this now or has she pnd? Yes you'd want things to remain the same for the step children but it really depends on if parents were taking advantage before.

@Sleepingdogs12

I wonder if the parent left too much to the step parent and she has realised this now or has she pnd? Yes you'd want things to remain the same for the step children but it really depends on if parents were taking advantage before.

If you have been doing too much and taken advantage of and now you have a new baby, perfectly reasonable to say no to school runs.

The pressure to do a school run with a new baby is a complete PITA.

If they have two parents able to do it, you are not unreasonable to say No more.

Withdrawing everything would be unreasonable if they stay with you a lot, but if YOU have been doing too much then tell their father he needs to do more.

Unfortunately this is the reality with being a step mum, for so many.

Childless young woman, roped into parent children that father wants to avoid doing doing the slog for his children, finds a new young girlfriend to do it for him. Classic.

Then a new baby arrives and new mother is left with it all.

You will need to be very firm if the above is the case.

Usually the mothers end up exhausted, totally taken for mugs, disillusioned and hugely regretful.

Overall I don't think step children should be totally dropped because you have biological children.
Step children should still be part of the family in the same way as before. Sure things might be difficult and different for the first few months with a young baby and you might not get quite as much quality time with them but to completely stop having them over/doing school runs etc sounds strange to me. If you had older bio children would you stop doing school runs because you had another child?

There's way to little information on this to give a reasonable answer.

So I'm not the step parent here but I know her very well and she's spoken to me about this a few times as she feels quite taken advantage of by her partner.

She basically did everything before the baby, school runs before her own work started, packed lunches, had the DSC during lockdown when WFH, looks after them a lot for both parents and as PP said, felt like her maternity leave was seen as a free for all in terms of childcare.

She felt like she offered to help out a few times and then that was it, it was an expectation.

And an expectation which was expected to carry on even with a small baby whilst no one else made any attempt to work around the fact circumstances had changed.

She has said no more now because her baby is not sleeping (having problems, she is 3m) and she is exhausted but was still being expected to get up and run around doing everything.

Children are still getting dropped off at school, by their parents who now aren't happy. I also didn't mean that she'd said they couldn't come round at all during lockdown, just that she wouldn't be doing the HSing anymore and her DH and ex would need to sort something between them in that respect.

She's very good with the children. I think she's just struggling with all the expectations that are being dumped on her and it's come to a head now because she's also struggling with a difficult baby too.

Would you suddenly stop taking your eldest to school because you had another baby?

I'm not sure I agree with this argument. Because imo it doesn't account for the fact that the child's actual parents aren't doing what you're expecting my friend to do.

You could say 'would you not find another way of taking your child to school if the current arrangement changed?'

Surely the ultimate responsibility of getting children to school is with their parents.

Ok now I understand more- the parents have always been lazy. Shame this wasn’t raised before another baby came into the mix as the message to the step child will be about them and not the adults. Of course she’s not just free childcare when she has a mat leave.

She’s right to step back and expect the parents to step up. She shouldn’t have been doing more than they were in the first place. I wouldn’t have had a baby if my husband was taking the piss like that in the first place, if he couldn’t be bothered putting himself out for his existing kids what chance he’ll bother with a new one, but I can see why she thought she’d manage as she was already doing a lot and the reality has now hit her.

It’s her role to support her husband’s relationship with his children during his contact time. Not to obstruct it. Definitely not to do more of the shit work than he did. Absolutely not to do things for them when they’re with, or supposed to be with their mother.

So they’re now being expected to do their bit and they don’t like it? Tough luck. If she gets too much hassle she should consider leaving so she can focus on her own child and ditch the emotional blackmail.

And it’s a shame if the children feel unsettled by the changes she’s had to make but that’s on their parents who shouldn’t have offloaded the parenting work onto someone else in the first place.

It sounds like it’s a bit more complicated in that she was already quite put upon but having a baby has amplified that.
When I had a baby me and DH talked about how things would work with DSD and we changed some things to make it a bit easier and it was made quite clear to DSDs mum that I was not free childcare just because I wasn’t at work. As my baby got older and I was a bit more with it then I did more so that DSD could spend time with her sibling.