Would you think it unreasonable?

[YoyoLoco]

If a step parent who used helped out a lot, stopped doing so when they had their own child?

By help out I mean things like school runs when parents couldn't, having DC during lockdown or helping with childcare in general etc...

I love her dearly but she's a people pleaser imo. I think she struggles to deal with conflict and so agrees to things she isn't always happy with yo be nice. I think she just thought she was doing a kind thing helping before and wasn't expecting how difficult she'd find it afterward.

If you marry someone with children you become a parent to them, or you don't.
What you don't do is become a parent to them and them drop them from a height the minute you have your own kid. You might as well say to them "fuck off kids, I have a real one now, I don't need the fake shit I created with you".

@FullofCurryandparatha

If you marry someone with children you become a parent to them, or you don't. What you don't do is become a parent to them and them drop them from a height the minute you have your own kid. You might as well say to them "fuck off kids, I have a real one now, I don't need the fake shit I created with you".

I can assure you that is not what she's done.

The children aren't being left to fend for themselves. As far as they are aware, their parents are just doing a bit more than they did before. They are still being taken to school and cared for don't worry.

I think it boils down to her dp. He needs to step up

Indeed, as @Hankunamatata just posted

it boils down to her dp. He needs to step up

In an ideal world, the SM would never have been roped into regular child care in the first place: that's what the DC have their two parents for. Absolutely right for the SM to consider the DC part of the family and to provide cover for the parents in an 'emergency'.

Doesn't sound as if this is the case here.

SM has been people pleasing, not setting good boundaries and picking up a lot of the slack, ending up doing a lot more than her fair share.

It doesn't surprise me that her partner is trying to guilt her into continuing to carry his parenting responsibilities.

While it is entirely reasonable for the actual parents to step up, we are left wondering whether anyone could have predicted this outcome and that the time to negotiate any changes in responsibilities was long before conceiving, never mind when the baby actually arrives.

It would of course be entirely wrong for a new partner to 'prove her value ' with hands on parenting and then withdraw her labour as soon as their own DC turn up.

The question here is why was the SM doing the role of a full parent in the first place.

As I noted, her husband spotted her as an easy touch and both he and his ex have happily dumped their children on her.

Your friend is a mug.
She will always be on the back foot.
Always overwhelmed with children.

She is being denied that lovely period of having one child to get to figure out, because she's expected to be nanny to her husband's children.

They are NOT her children.
They have two parents.
She can choose how much she gets involved but because she was chosen for her people pleasing ways she won't get that choice.

Inevitably the penny will drop but she will never get back that precious baby time with HER child.

The fact that the children's actual parents have allowed this to happen when her baby is a newborn tells you everything.

Neither parent gives a damn about her.

She'll probably get it eventually. Eventually.

Oh and you sound like a good friend.
Must be very hard to watch a nice person be taken so advantage of.

Your friend isn't being unreasonable and her DH needs to massively step up here.

I don't believe it's a step parents responsibility to parent the kids. The kids have two parents, the same number as most kids, it's the parents responsibility to parent those children. I'm guessing, despite being expected to do all the leg work, she doesn't get a say in anything, she's not an equal parent, she's their lackey.

She was silly to have a child with a man who has proven he can't be arsed to parent his existing kids though, what did she expect? That he'd suddenly step up of his own accord?

If a step parent who used to help out a lot, stopped doing so

From this part alone, no I would not think they were unreasonable. A SP does not need an excuse to stop doing favours for the parents.

@Midlifephoenix

I can't believe the answers here! No you don't stop looking after your step children! They are your family now. As a step mother to two boys, one of whom lived with us, I don't understand how you could! They are your children's siblings. You aren't 'helping out', you are being a (step) parent.

You literally are helping out.

One the one hand it seems like lots of women have babies with men that already have children without really thinking it through. See this on here all the time with people not wanting the step kids around when they've just given birth for example.

On the other hand some parents do take the mick with step parents (usually step mums let's be honest) and treat them like a skivvy.

It's hard to say but it sounds like the adults need to have a proper discussion about realistic expectations.

@SnuggyBuggy

One the one hand it seems like lots of women have babies with men that already have children without really thinking it through. See this on here all the time with people not wanting the step kids around when they've just given birth for example.

On the other hand some parents do take the mick with step parents (usually step mums let's be honest) and treat them like a skivvy.

It's hard to say but it sounds like the adults need to have a proper discussion about realistic expectations.

How is it hard to say? She's said absolutely nothing about not wanting the step kids around, and a lot about the parents taking the mick. It's not hard to say at all. It's very obviously the second scenario.

OP the early responses on here are a reflection of the subject heading you posted under (not to mention idiotic and spoken from an idyllic assumption of what step parenting should be, not actual experience).

I would strongly recommend directing your fried to Step parenting specific forums, there is a section for it on here but I'm told other forums are more supportive. Speaking to other actual step parents will help put this situation into perspective. Her partner has been absolutely taking the piss and nothing you said in your update paints her as unreasonable.

I feel very sorry for her.

"As far as they are aware, their parents are just doing a bit more than they did before."

Haha, I wouldn't bank on it. How naive.

The parents aren't happy, that will definitely have been voiced in front of the children.

Honestly, I wouldn't have taken all that on while their lazy article of a father just sat back and did nothing. I wouldn't have gone on to have a baby with him either.

But don't think for a minute that the kids aren't feeling that tension and hearing that she's not interested in them now she has a baby of her own.

The parents shouldn't have been relying on her to do all this in the first place.

The parents aren't happy, that will definitely have been voiced in front of the children

Then they are entirely in the wrong.

@DavidsSchitt

"As far as they are aware, their parents are just doing a bit more than they did before."

Haha, I wouldn't bank on it. How naive.

The parents aren't happy, that will definitely have been voiced in front of the children.

Honestly, I wouldn't have taken all that on while their lazy article of a father just sat back and did nothing. I wouldn't have gone on to have a baby with him either.

But don't think for a minute that the kids aren't feeling that tension and hearing that she's not interested in them now she has a baby of her own.

If the parents would relay such a message to their children in response to her not doing the things they themselves, the actual parents, have not been doing, then there is little hope the children wouldn't end up growing up with that message anyway, as they (the parents) would be quite clearly manipulative and deluded.

It would not be my priority to bend myself out of shape whislt supposedly enjoyingmy maternity with my own one and only child, to strive in vain to prevent my partner's kids from being manipulated the way you have described above.

"If the parents would relay such a message to their children in response to her not doing the things they themselves, the actual parents, have not been doing, then there is little hope the children wouldn't end up growing up with that message anyway"

You don't need to "relay messages" to kids . As both the parents are "unhappy" with the situation there must've been some moaning and groaning going on.

The kids hear and sense this. All it takes is mum to be on the phone explaining why she can't work X shift or complaining to her friends. Or the Dad actively being told by the stepmum that he will have to do the school run and make the packed lunches now.

Kids aren't stupid.

Not the stepmum's fault that the parents are moaning about having to parent their own children.

@DavidsSchitt

"If the parents would relay such a message to their children in response to her not doing the things they themselves, the actual parents, have not been doing, then there is little hope the children wouldn't end up growing up with that message anyway"

You don't need to "relay messages" to kids . As both the parents are "unhappy" with the situation there must've been some moaning and groaning going on.

The kids hear and sense this. All it takes is mum to be on the phone explaining why she can't work X shift or complaining to her friends. Or the Dad actively being told by the stepmum that he will have to do the school run and make the packed lunches now.

Kids aren't stupid.

So your great solution is to continue being taken advantage of to save the parents having to heaven forbid be unhappy about anything? In case they aren't mature enough to keep that unhappiness away from their children.

Sounds like a good answer.

"So your great solution is to continue being taken advantage of to save the parents having to heaven forbid be unhappy about anything?"

God no. Where did I say that?

As I said earlier, I wouldn't have done it in the first place. However, your friend did. My solution is to let them crack on parenting their own kids. To tell her boyfriend what her role is going to be going forward, yet to also quash any naïveté people may have about the kids being blissfully unaware of these big changes coinciding with the new baby.

"Not the stepmum's fault that the parents are moaning about having to parent their own children."

Did I say it was? I'm talking about the OPs naïveté, with her "oh don't worry, they're not aware".

From two parents who couldn't even be arsed to do their own kids school runs, yeah, I wouldn't bank on it personally.

Stepmum can just be honest with the kids and say now baby x is here your parents are going to have to do a bit more. I enjoyed helping them but unfortunately I can't do as much anymore. At least it means you get to spend more time with your mum and dad.

It’s fine for her to stop, and I honestly don’t know why the lazy parents weren’t doing 99% of the parenting in the first place.

The step kids aren’t her responsibility. Parents should do home schooling and school runs etc, if a step parent wants to get involved and everyone agrees that’s fine but they are not her kids and she’s not a free babysitter aka servant aka slave.