Would you think it unreasonable?

[YoyoLoco]

If a step parent who used helped out a lot, stopped doing so when they had their own child?

By help out I mean things like school runs when parents couldn't, having DC during lockdown or helping with childcare in general etc...

Even if the kids are aware, I'm not sure why it would need to be seen as my friend telling them to 'fuck off now I've got my own' as a PP so nicely put it.

I mean surely you could just say Daddy/Mummy are going to do more of X as SM needs to rest/is a little busier etc...

Why the need for the school run and who does it to be such an emotionally scarring thing. I don't get it personally.

I mean I suppose if the parents are telling their children that SM doesn't care now, has her own now etc... Then yes. But I'd hope any decent parent wouldn't do that.

Parents sound bone idle. Is this another man who separates from his partner, finds he can't be fucked parenting then offloads on to his new partner and feels hard done by if she says no?

No I wouldn’t at all.

Having a child of their own means they have a responsibility towards that child physically, financially and emotionally. And all of the trumps any “responsibility they had” for a stepchild.

The dynamics have changed now. The parents of the stepchild need to deal with that.

I take it she’s being harassed to look after the stepchild while she’s on maternity leave?

Yeah, I'd hope so too. But these aren't decent parents are they? They're users and freeloaders.

I was simply pointing out that if you believe what you wrote about them noticing nothing then you are naive. That's all.

People think that a stepmum not doing the school run any more means the stepchild will be scarred for life It’s an absolute joke on here sometimes.

The parents shouldn't have been relying on her to do all this in the first place
This.
The parents seem to have been quick to load the parenting responsibilities onto the step parent and are now moaning when they have to look after their own children, whilst apparently acting like the step parent with a new baby is out of order for not wanting to be everyone's on call nanny.
If parenting requirements are so difficult for 2 parents who've conveniently managed to outsource most of it, it's lazy and unpleasant of them to not see how carrying all the load with a newborn is a huge amount to put on someone.

"People think that a stepmum not doing the school run any more means the stepchild will be scarred for life It’s an absolute joke on here sometimes."

Nobody thinks that. The dads girlfriend is the only one who will suffer in this scenario. She already is by the sounds of it.

Your SC will feel like you don't care about them anymore because you've had a new baby. That will have them questioning if they've been replaced by their parent too. This could cause an extreme amount of distress to SC.

Ok now I've read your update, I feel like I understand more. Yes I agree with your friend, they shouldn't have relied on her so heavily when the baby arrived. The school run arrangements are between the mother and father of said child, not your friend who's got a newborn. I think theyve massively taken advantage of her and didn't care about how she felt. She's right to put her foot down, she isnt the mother of that child.

@CorianderBee

Your SC will feel like you don't care about them anymore because you've had a new baby. That will have them questioning if they've been replaced by their parent too. This could cause an extreme amount of distress to SC.

You think a child will experience an extreme amount of distress to have one of their actual parents making their lunches or taking them to school?

Having spent large chunks of the past year homeschooling while on maternity leave, I can say she absolutely needs to stick up for herself here. The children will all suffer if they are looked after by someone who is totally exhausted and overwhelmed.

@SnuggyBuggy

Parents sound bone idle. Is this another man who separates from his partner, finds he can't be fucked parenting then offloads on to his new partner and feels hard done by if she says no?

Exactly what it sounds like.

Constantly on MN.

Any woman who has even the slightest interest in having a family should run from a man with young children.

It is so rarely in their interest to get involved.

Inevitably because they have a virgina they get roped into to act as unpaid childcare for the children with nary a thank you.

Then if they are naive enough to marry them they are rightly stuck and told to knuckle down and do everything.

A man in a similar situation would no more get caught for this bullshit.
It wouldn't arise.

Pre having children a friend of mine met a guy with a child and started dating.
The child was young and within a matter of weeks they were going for Saturday afternoon walks with the child on the weekends.
She wasn't sure about it but was going along with it.
One weekend they were supposed to be childless his ex needed him to take the child. He did.
Later on that evening he got a call from a pal who lived nearby asking him for a pint in their local and he asked my friend could she mind HIS child, while she stayed at home on a Saturday night.

Anyway it came out to her friends when we next met up the following week.

She had the piss taken out of her for being an absolute idiot and a mug.

We are all very old friends.
None of us could believe this extremely successful professional woman would allow herself to be made such a complete tit of.

Thankfully the ribbing we gave her was enough for her to cop herself on and she dumped him.

There's a difference between not doing anything for the DSC, and doing so much you're effectively taking over the parenting responsibilities from their existing parents.

She's clearly got a shitty partner, which is unfortunate now she's had a baby with him.

Clearly school runs should always have been the parents' responsibility. However, if she agreed to handle her DPs school run obligations, and has always done them, then stepping back unilaterally she she had her own baby is a bit shit. Juggling childcare and working is hard, if your relied upon solution suddenly changes the rules, that feels shit. But she and her DP should have sorted that as soon as she got pregnant and made better plans.

The home-schooling is difficult because asking them to "make different arrangements" whilst it sounds reasonable (she's on maternity leave with her first baby, who wants to deal with homeschool as well, nightmare) it's also not simple to just "make arrangements" and I can see that someone on maternity leave seems available.

The thing is, once you have multiple children you cope with different things than when you only had your first born and your world has suddenly changed. Both the parents of the older DC seem to have forgotten that.

Anyway - it's her partner's fault, and he needs to be a better person about it. And she needs to keep standing up for herself if no one else is going to think about her needs. Unless people meet you halfway, then you have to put yourself first all the time.

OP, the fact that your friend has said no and her partner and his ex are still planning to leave the kids with her is very worrying. Do you think your friend will just roll over and take it?

If she has made it clear her answer is no, then in her shoes I would tell them that if they leave the children with her, she will call Social Services there and then.

This is exactly what an OP did a few weeks ago, called SS on them.

@CorianderBee

Your SC will feel like you don't care about them anymore because you've had a new baby. That will have them questioning if they've been replaced by their parent too. This could cause an extreme amount of distress to SC.

It won't if their parents step up and spend MORE time with them

"This is exactly what an OP did a few weeks ago, called SS on them."

what?

Why the confusion? What else would you suggest when people are dropping kids off in the garden and driving away?

If she has made it clear her answer is no, then in her shoes I would tell them that if they leave the children with her, she will call Social Services there and then.

People say that’s a bit harsh, but the cycle will just carry on if she doesn’t.
-Op has said no she’s not having the stepchildren. Her choice and not unreasonable at all.
-Parents say yes you are. Here they are. Very unreasonable.
-Op is left to do it.

Imagine taking your children to a breakfast club with no prior arrangements or consent from them and doing a runner. You’d definitely have social services on your back.
What makes people think they can leave their children with a family member and do a runner? It’s still irresponsible and selfish. You can’t do that to people and expect them to just roll with it.

well said @funinthesun19

@DavidsSchitt

"People think that a stepmum not doing the school run any more means the stepchild will be scarred for life It’s an absolute joke on here sometimes."

Nobody thinks that. The dads girlfriend is the only one who will suffer in this scenario. She already is by the sounds of it.

I mean the fact that the very next comment says the SC will experience "extreme distress" if she stops doing the school run does somewhat undermine your argument that nobody thinks that. There are a lot of people on this thread who genuinely think the SC will be scarred for life and it's ridiculous.

All the people saying it's shit to stop taking them to school because of a new baby - why? Being up all night and then not wanting to take baby on the school run is a perfectly valid reason to switch things up so the other parent does the school run even if OP was their mum rather than their step mum. Where does this logic that that is a completely unacceptable level of change for the kids come from?

"I mean the fact that the very next comment says the SC will experience "extreme distress" if she stops doing the school run does somewhat undermine your argument that nobody thinks that"

The very next comment can't undermine my "argument" about the previous comments by its very definition

@DavidsSchitt

"I mean the fact that the very next comment says the SC will experience "extreme distress" if she stops doing the school run does somewhat undermine your argument that nobody thinks that"

The very next comment can't undermine my "argument" about the previous comments by its very definition

Your argument was "nobody thinks that", not "nobody has said that."

Plus there had been lots of similar comments prior.

All the people saying it's shit to stop taking them to school because of a new baby - why? Being up all night and then not wanting to take baby on the school run is a perfectly valid reason to switch things up so the other parent does the school run even if OP was their mum rather than their step mum.

I think even more valid when the mum is a stepmum. She’s only responsible for her baby and has no responsibility to take her stepchild to school, whereas a second time mum would iygwim. So I think it’s so wrong to hold a stepmum to higher standards especially in those early days when a mum would be offered nothing but support even though a a mum would still has those responsibilities.
And then even further down the line when things may settled down and she’s not necessarily up all night, it’s still cheeky to expect her to fit her life around the stepchildren’s school runs and it might not always be convenient for her. Why should she commit to that? Even pre baby. But now she’s having a baby it’s even more of an issue because the dynamics will be different and she won’t always be on standby to jump through hoops for the stepchildren’s parents the same way as she maybe was before.

"Your argument was "nobody thinks that", not "nobody has said that.""

Nobody thinks that because nobody has said that, except since I said that it became very clear that someone thinks it.

Is that better for you? Hard work.

As for ringing social services because your boyfriend is in a huff since he can't treat you like his personal nanny anymore