To find this fucking laughable and want to comment?

[PrettyLit]

My ex has made a statement on social media that is being shared about the current goings on surrounding the Sarah Everard case and basically calling out male violence toward women and talking about how men have the responsibility to educate other men etc etc...

Great you may think?

Except no. This fucking hypocrite abused me for years. Emotionally and physically. He is the most violent and aggressive 'man' I've ever been with and made me fear for my safety on many occasions. I have been irreparably scarred by this person.

I am so angry at the sheer hypocrisy of it and to see people commenting and sharing and fucking thanking him for being a 'good guy'.

I want to comment. I probably won't but my God I want to.

My abusive ex also wrote on social media about how horrendous domestic violence is and got mucho praise for it about a year ago. I can't lie that it made me feel both furious and sick at the same time given his behaviour over the 2.5 years we were together pretty much broke me as a human being and it took me years to start healing psychologically from that (and nearly 9 years on, happily married and with kids I still have wobbles). I thought of commenting too or messaging him at the time, but then felt like that wouldn't change anything: He'd still choose to rewrite history to portray himself as an amazing partner, it wouldn't remove any of the suffering that he caused me and the people who still believed the (very good) facade that he put out to others would likely not change their opinion of him either.

My solution was to acknowledge my feelings that his post brought up in me, focus on caring for myself that day (a gin and tonic drank whilst in the bath!) and I blocked him on social media so that I'd never be able to see anything like it again. (I'd already removed him as a friend but it came up via a mutual friend's post on their profile).

I never believe 'feminist men'. I'm sure some of them are genuine and I'm sorry for their sake that I don't give them the benefit of the doubt (although this has no effect on them at all since it's just thoughts in my head). But I've seen far too many examples of outspokenly 'feminist' men who are straight up abusers of women. It's just the up-to-date version of the 'pillar of the community' shit. They know exactly what they are doing cultivating a public image of the kind of man who 'would never do anything like that'.

This would drive me insane too OP.

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. I would be tempted I must admit - and I'd probably do something really passive aggressive along the lines of:

"Gosh - well done you! You've certainly come on a journey since we were together. I can't believe you are the same person who regularly had me walking on eggshells and living in fear of your next outburst of rage and violence. If someone as self-seving as you can finally recognise themself as an abuser and begin to advocate for women, tall is not lost. This is very encouraging and has given me hope for all men".

*all not tall

Your "message" to him was amazing, brilliant and eye-opening. I would like you to publish this somewhere, anonymously, so that others can read it. You are a strong and brave woman who has been through shit and come out the other side. Thank you for your insight into a dispicable situation.

I think men's reactions to this has been very telling.

I noticed a few days ago that all of the nice guys I know have either said nothing and just listened or perhaps re-tweeted or re-posted something a woman has posted. Or just liked the post.

All of the men who have felt the need to make their own statements have been, without fail, men who I know either have a history of violence, who regularly slate their exes and/or don't pay maintenance for the children on the basis she uses it for hair/nails etc, or who are the absolute worst culprits at being pricks to women generally.

It has made be aware of a couple of men who I didn't realise were in the second group, but the fact they've felt the need to make loud, public statements tells me very clearly that they are.

@EnjoyingTheSilence

I keep reading messages like your ex’s. I don’t really trust them. They’re making it all about them.

My dh is a good man, he shows that in his actions, in his support of me and our children. He doesn’t pay lip service on social media. I’m vary wary of the men that do.

This is very useful to read too.

OP, I hope you are okay this morning.

Poor Sarah Everard and her family. This is about her. May she RIP. and I hope her killer is brought to some sort of justice.

But it is in itself, and in the reactions of individuals and the media / Police / Govt to it, also 'triggering' for many of us, sadly, who have obviously not lost our lives but have had some bad things to deal with.

You're brilliant op. I think you've raised a really important point and nailed some of the unease I was thinking.
The thousands of men expressing horror and disbelief on social media, some must be lying, hypocritical or self-deluded. I personally think it would be worth a warning just to remind women that self-declared goodness is not worth the pixels it's written on. As a pp said, actions speak louder than words.

Fuck it. I'd comment.

My abusive ex would often tell me how evil men could be. He bought me The Gift of Fear and would warn me about walking down certain streets etc. Probably concerned that some other man would damage his property. He now posts on Twitter about being a proud dad and loving husband, lapping up the attention when he talks about evil Trump and Boris and showing what a lovely liberal man he is. When I’m doing through a bad time, I’m always so tempted to leave a reply and call him out for being a shithead. But it’ll be twisted round and I’ll be the crazy one. All I can think is that these kinds of idiots are deeply unhappy and can’t hide who they are forever. Hopefully his wife will get out of there safely.

Agree with pp who said he's a parasite.
And along with my ex whose equally violent and aggressive and thinks it perfectly acceptable to punch a woman in the face... I hope they both die a painful and undignified death... On the toilet.
And I wouldn't wish death on any one.. But these type of men are a waste of oxygen.

To answer the Qu directly @PrettyLit (sorry for the blurt upthread)

I think your 'answer' to him posted here is potentially helpful to others (me, certainly, thank you). That thought may be of more use to you than replying to him directly? as he sounds like the type who would try to feed off your reply in some way, brilliant though it is just the fact you've replied would be enough possibly?
He is damaged and will keep damaging if he can.

Women are amazing, sharing their damage to help others as we all try to pull each other up and out of the shit.

smis mainly total bollocks this it's only a platform for shits like this to gander 'likes' and 'aren't i great for doing /saying this ?'

The most abhorrent people often put special effort into building an illusion of credibility, like this, in an attempt to compensate for their moral deficiencies. The worst ones don't feel responsible, remorseful, or even embarrassed when they're pulled up on it. They just take it as part of the course and carry on regardless: they're shameless.

Don't say anything. You've escaped him; don't put yourself back in his sights.

@Givemeabreak88

Just leave it

This. If you engage by making statements about your past together you run the risk that he may share a version of events that doesn't tally with your's!

OP, I completely get how you feel. My abusive ex is all over FB bleating on about what a stand-up guy he is, how he only exists to serve the local community, pictures of him picking up litter, just general bullshit. When he started doing this it drove me nuts. He'd spent YEARS telling me what a load of shite FB and the like are, yet has suddenly discovered he can use it as a platform for self-promotion (he has aspirations to enter politics)

My friends keep me informed if he posts anything particularly controversial. I had daydreams of posting on his posts highlighting the actual truth of what kind of man he is, but have managed to resist (so far!).

One thing I have done is to react with the 'Wow' emoji under his posts. Just a couple of times. He can't delete those and it soothes my petty side as I know that will drive him insane...

Another thing I did, after years of literally zero contact (except through lawyers) was to email him with an exact breakdown of his behaviour towards me, and the effect it had on me and the DC. I held nothing back. It was a long email. I was shaking when I wrote it, anxiety was sky-high. But he had rewritten history and I couldn't deal with that for a second longer. I sent that email, then immediately blocked him. He will definitely have responded but I didn't see it. That gave me a real sense of satisfaction.

I get how tough it is. Just remember your silence is your power too. Ask your friends not to show you anything he writes that you'll find upsetting. You don't need to see his shite. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I love your reply and am glad you posted it here.
I hear you - and to be honest I am looking at the men on my feeds that are posturing their own words on this topic in a new light rather than simply reposting a womans words...

@PrettyLit

My ex has made a statement on social media that is being shared about the current goings on surrounding the Sarah Everard case and basically calling out male violence toward women and talking about how men have the responsibility to educate other men etc etc...

Great you may think?

Except no. This fucking hypocrite abused me for years. Emotionally and physically. He is the most violent and aggressive 'man' I've ever been with and made me fear for my safety on many occasions. I have been irreparably scarred by this person.

I am so angry at the sheer hypocrisy of it and to see people commenting and sharing and fucking thanking him for being a 'good guy'.

I want to comment. I probably won't but my God I want to.

I see this so often with violent and abusive men. Like they really do have a split personality. They split off their known aggressive violent tendencies to themselves while projecting to the world just what good eggs they are.

I’m aware of a guy on sm. I know what he’s done to his children...but oh to the world..what a good sport he is

@StealthPolarBear

You're brilliant op. I think you've raised a really important point and nailed some of the unease I was thinking. The thousands of men expressing horror and disbelief on social media, some must be lying, hypocritical or self-deluded. I personally think it would be worth a warning just to remind women that self-declared goodness is not worth the pixels it's written on. As a pp said, actions speak louder than words.

True Another vile man I know of was posting videos of himself helping less fortunate people. I know he physically hurt one of his relatives. He’s a very dangerous person .

Of course it's these aresholes shouting loudest online about their wonderful characters - as though they need an alibi. If they were actually BEING decent human beings, they wouldn't need to spend so much time writing bloody diatribes about themselves, would they?

My dh is such a kind, good man and when he criticises other men for the harm they do to women, it’s because he genuinely is disgusted and not trying to elevate himself in the process.
There are thousands and millions of men like him out there.
I just wish they all had the same characteristics of solid goodness in them, because that’s what it is that makes them good men

I’d want to say something about the bastard. But his friends and family will all rally behind him and you will end up coming across as the bad guy/bitter.

My ex was an absolute horrible bastard to me. Emotionally abusive and controlling. When I finally got the courage to leave him, he told everyone I’d cheated and that’s why we broke up. It breaks me to this day that his family and friends believe he was innocent in our break up and did nothing wrong when he reduced me to nothing for so many years.

You’re shot of him now. Hopefully one day his true colours will be shown for the world to see. But I’d just leave well out of his life and continue being happy where you are now 🧡

I was fuming when an ex who pinned me down during sex and, pinned me down harder when I struggled to get free ( this was not a negotiated thing and we had never done anything like power play/ bondage/ S&M before, so there was NOTHING to make him think I would like this and I clearly didn't) and then he posted on his Facebook page similar anti-male sexual violence against women stuff. Hypocrite. I never believe men who say they are feminists anymore.

Pretty lit
Could you do a condensed version of your post , as if it was someone who knew him, from a fake account that obviously couldn’t be traced back to you.
Or not.
I did like the idea of calling them out on their virtue signalling though as for so many it’s been swept under the carpet.

@52andblue