Teen may be unhappy with my partner

[bitofapickler]

Wondering who is bu here .
My 16 year old daughter has met my partner many times . We are together a year. I never intended to introduce him to my children before the year mark at the earliest but my daughter decided she didn't want to go to her dads anymore as they were clashing , so I couldn't leave our home eow to spend with him or friends as she needs to be supervised because of her age. We are bubbled as two single adult households .
He comes to me eow mostly and we sometimes meet on the alternate week for a coffee or a walk . We live 25 miles from each other.
My other two kids who are 10 and 12 have met him once and believe that he is my friend . It was brief and they all liked each other . I am only separated two years so I am sensitive to their feelings about me and their dad moving on .
So my partner is going through a bit of a rough time with his health ... not serious but it's getting him down as he is alone all day and misses his children and family and friends and lives 80 miles from them so he is pretty sad too.
I asked him about f he'd like to come to
Ours for supper this evening . He's delighted and looking forward to it.
My teens response when I told her was' why?? He is here enough isn't he ?'
They get on exceptionally well so I was surprised . I know that she pushes to be top dog in my life and I reassure her that she is .she is possessive of me and believed that when she Stopped going to her dads that we would live the high life here on our own . She didn't like me going away to meet friends pre covid or having my down time essentially , unless she had her own plans., I know this is tough on her... separation/ restrictions/ new partner but is she being unreasonable or am I ?
And Happy Mothers Day 🌺

She sounds selfish and immature for 16.

It's not ok for her to dictate your life. However, it's Mother's Day and you made plans with your boyfriend? Seems a bit unnecessary. She's obviously going through something at the moment, refusing to see her dad, clinging to you, now showing anxiety about this new bloke - is there something else going on here? It could be a teen 'stage', but it sounds to me she needs some extra reassuring at the moment for some reason.

It's up to you how you handle it. Put your foot down and say you can have adult time and still be mum to her, or sack it off for this evening and just have mum/daughter time and see if you can get to the root of her current issues.

Thanks.
When i am here on my own , she disappears to her room to talk to friends on her phone or sleeps or simply does her own thing .
She clashes with her dad and has not forgiven him for having an affair despite saying how much happier our home is now that he is gone .
She gets on so well with my partner . But interestingly a couple of weeks ago when he arrived, I asked her if she was going to have dinner with us as she often doesn't like a big dinner ... and as I was about to serve , she said she wanted me to make pasta and a sauce for her . I felt she was testing me . So foolishly I did, and she f course dinner went cold ... instead of telling her to make her own pasta.
Yes she is selfish and immature . My sister with whom we are very close would agree with that 100%.

Wow, OK. So the poor girl has developed serious trust issues around men, from watching her own dad be awful, is acting out like many 16 year olds do anyway and you just think she's 'selfish and immature' and have other family members agreeing?

Poor girl. I can't believe you're for real .

As far as Mother's Day is concerned , it won't be at the fore front of her mind today. I don't expect to see her before One as she will be asleep . I asked partner to come over for a bite for an hour or so this evening as he is struggling . My younger two kids are very excited .
I've told the eldest that she doesn't need to feel she has to be in the lounge with us if she doesn't want to but it might be a nice diversion too ...That it will be for just an hour but it's up to her .
If I let her control me and my 'free time' , I'm doomed . I know that.

She's only 16 and going through a lot. Cut her some slack. It's a massive adjustment and she has that on top of normal teen angst and the covid restrictions.

@BrumBoo . Yes she is selfish and immature and always has been through her teens .
My sister with whom we are close has aired her concerns about my daughters need to try to control me on more than one occasion.

Yep agree with BrumBoo. She's only 16 - of course she's immature poor girl. It's such a difficult age anyway even without all the other stuff she's going through. It doesn't mean everything should revolve around her but some understanding and open communication about how she is feeling and why should be considered.

She might even be feeling defensive and protective of you.

@bitofapickler she is an insecure 16 year old girl who has already been severely let down by one parent, and is now watching another see her boyfriend's need for a helping hand during his 'struggle' but not hers. Mix typical selfish teen behaviour with a girl who evidently feels life is out of her control, I'm not surprised in the slightest she's behaving in a manner you see as 'controlling'. This is her cry for help and you're not listening.

@MuddleMoo . She may be . We have a really good relationship and she is always at the forefront of family decisions made . My relationship doesn't detract from my relationship with my kids . It is entirely separate up until she refuses to go to her dads anymore . And when my partner is here she is involved and is asked to be part of our two days a fortnight together . She is number one and I have done everything to make her feel and know that, but it doesn't seem to be enough for her . Thanks

She really does seem to be dictating things , you making pasta for her I really think that was a control thing and extremely selfish of her. You had already made a meal that then when cold. It seems she wants you to herself when she has free time but doesn't make free time for you ie staying in her room til 1 today but then begrudges him coming round in the evening. He has given her no reason to dislike him so I would continue with this evenings plans.

I feel that she tests me a good bit . The dinner example is one of many where she seems to test if I will
Prioritise her. I always do .
@pumpkinpie01 you have got the nail on the head . This is what I was trying to explain.@Rollmopsrule thanks for your comments too.

16 is old enough to not act the twat.

It sounds like she's concerned. In her mind she's been rejected by her Dad before he preferred the OW to his family and now she's worried you may prefer the new fella to her.

@JustLyra she is16 that's old enough to understand her mum can have a boyfriend and still be a good mother. It's not like op is going away for weekends with the bf leaving the kids home alone. @bitofapickler I had similar behaviour from my son thou he was a bit younger ,the more I let him control situations/my time the worse he got. Stick to your guns your bf comes round tonight if she stays in her room leave her to it

I believe that she knows she is my priority. Due to covid we four are together 24/7 bar the two days per fortnight . My eldest girl is with me all the time and we get on very well .
I am
Careful not to talk about him or speak to him on the phone in the kids company. I try to keep it entirely separate .
When he comes for the weekend, my daughter and I always go for a walk and a coffee on our own too.
I'm not sure what else I can do . It's never enough . Although she doesn't like her younger sister or brother getting much attention from me either tbh.

She's sixteen - all sixteen year olds are immature in some way.

Her dad had an affair and now you've got a boyfriend of less than a year coming over regularly, on top of COVID restrictions and changes to her GCSE's - that's a lot of change and upheaval in such a short space of time.

I think she's crying out for stability and she's not getting it. You don't need to have your boyfriend over tonight. At her age she's old enough to be left during the day while you go out and spend time with him elsewhere - you don't need to invite him over to the house.

Put your daughter first, not this man.

Simple.

@sunflowersandbuttercups thanks. The only readon he is here is because I can't leave her unsupervised and she refuses to go to her dads .
We both work at home at present so cannot leave and meet during the day .
I have literally two days per fortnight to myself and like all other single parents whose children have little contact with the NRP, it is exhausting and much needed down time .
The alternative is to finish the relationship but it brings me great joy and support . I really don't want that . So perhaps I am bu.

@InFiveMins thanks. Can I ask why you think I don't put her first ?

You don't need to finish the relationship.

Why can't you leave a 16yo unsupervised during the day while the younger two are at their dads, though?

I do understand that she is having a tough time but to be honest I'm not sure that 'always prioritising her' above everything else is the right thing to do. Unless you were cooking something she really hates, it's incredibly rude to wait til you're serving up and then expect pasta while your meal goes cold. Is that going to teach her that you prioritise her? Or that she can get whatever she wants, whenever she wants, to your detriment. At 16 she could have made pasta herself surely. And fair enough wanting to spend some time with your mum on mothers day. But ignoring her all day and then demanding you spend a meal without company is not on. I think there are a few separate issues here but while I'd try and be understanding of her neediness and behaviour, that doesn't mean accepting rudeness or giving in to every unreasonable demand.

I agree. The words you're using about her say a lot about you and your view. The girl feels her dad has let her down and now you and your sister are speaking unkindly of her.

And not wanting you to have friends in any capacity isn't acceptable