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Original poster

Teen may be unhappy with my partner

96 replies

bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 09:55

Wondering who is bu here .
My 16 year old daughter has met my partner many times . We are together a year. I never intended to introduce him to my children before the year mark at the earliest but my daughter decided she didn't want to go to her dads anymore as they were clashing , so I couldn't leave our home eow to spend with him or friends as she needs to be supervised because of her age. We are bubbled as two single adult households .
He comes to me eow mostly and we sometimes meet on the alternate week for a coffee or a walk . We live 25 miles from each other.
My other two kids who are 10 and 12 have met him once and believe that he is my friend . It was brief and they all liked each other . I am only separated two years so I am sensitive to their feelings about me and their dad moving on .
So my partner is going through a bit of a rough time with his health ... not serious but it's getting him down as he is alone all day and misses his children and family and friends and lives 80 miles from them so he is pretty sad too.
I asked him about f he'd like to come to
Ours for supper this evening . He's delighted and looking forward to it.
My teens response when I told her was' why?? He is here enough isn't he ?'
They get on exceptionally well so I was surprised . I know that she pushes to be top dog in my life and I reassure her that she is .she is possessive of me and believed that when she Stopped going to her dads that we would live the high life here on our own . She didn't like me going away to meet friends pre covid or having my down time essentially , unless she had her own plans., I know this is tough on her... separation/ restrictions/ new partner but is she being unreasonable or am I ?
And Happy Mothers Day 🌺

OP posts:
Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 12:19

I have done
Everything I can to support her dads and her relationship . She is absolutely determined not to forgive him . It's absolutely
Heartbreaking as they used to be so close but he has a temper and shouts to communicate with her when she is rude or cheeky to him so she just won't
Tolerate that anymore . And then he storms
Off . It's so so sad .

OP posts:
trindi · 14/03/2021 12:20

This sounds more and more like you've decided she's the enemy and looking for excuses to say she's being unreasonable. There is nothing stopping you going out for the afternoon, except it gives you an opportunity to say how selfish she's been again.

This has to be one of the biggest jumps to a conclusion I've ever read. What absolute nonsense!

I agree with everything @Smallfry79 said so not going to repeat it.

You need to have a life too OP.

Thisgirlcando · 14/03/2021 12:21

16 year olds vary greatly, some are selfish and immature, others aren’t. OP hasn’t said anything about ditching her daughter as a result. She hasn’t said she isn’t her priority either.

If OP ends the relationship she is happy in and is miserable that won’t help her kids at all. The father has left for the OW, where are the cries for him to end it? Maybe that’s the reason she doesn’t visit her Dad anymore. OP has put her daughter first by letting her stay home at weekends rather than forcing her to her Dads, she doesn’t speak to her DP on the phone around the kids, she doesn’t have him round every night, she lets her tea go cold to sort out a 16 year old - not a 16month old. She is putting her daughters needs first, but that doesn’t mean she has to forget her own. I understand that the family has been through a tough time but that doesn’t mean the daughter can get her own way about everything, if DP was rude to her or they didn’t get on it would be fair enough but that isn’t the case.

OP I think you need to explain to your daughter you are entitled to a private life and she needs to respect that. I also think you need to give her more responsibility in regards to sorting her own food if she doesn’t want the same as the family. She needs to recognise she isn’t the boss otherwise you might get to the point of having much bigger problems in future.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 12:22

@BrumBoo my part time
Boyfriend
Doesn't need me as his support system!!!He is struggling a little with health atm and I invited him over for an hour this evening .

OP posts:
Thisgirlcando · 14/03/2021 12:22

And don’t go out for a walk with your partner instead of having him round to your house. You are the adult, you can decide who you want round.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 12:24

Agreed @trindi . It seemed a very odd conclusion to jump to .

OP posts:
BlueSussex · 14/03/2021 12:26

This doesn't make sense. Are you in the UK? Why are the DC with you "every waking moment"? Do you home school them?

Also Why can't you leave a 16yo unsupervised during the day while the younger two are at their dads, though? 25 miles isn't far at all.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 12:28

No not in uk .

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/03/2021 12:33

I don't think it sounds straightforward. It sounds to me as if she is really struggling and is looking to be babied a bit. Her dad leaving will have been pretty traumatic for her even if she can see that some things are better about home as a result. I don't think you are being unreasonable to have your partner over but I do think that it's less about labelling her as selfish and immature, and more about trying to work out why she is behaving in the way she is so that you can find a way to make her feel safe and loved without unduly compromising your own life and health.

BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 12:38

@trindi how is it jumping to a conclusion when it's all from what the op said? She said she's not going out because she feels guilty - not because of anything her daughter has actually said/done/threatened if she does go out. There has been zero good examples give of why the op is so housebound by a 16 year old, yet she and her sister have decided the daughter is selfish anyway.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/03/2021 12:43

I mean, her world has changed a lot at a time when she's having to contend with a whole load of inner changes too. Her dad has left for someone else - someone he considers more important than the family he had, including her. So that sucks. He had an affair so there's an element of discovering a level of dishonesty in him that must have come as a shock. She decides not to go and see him because she feels safer at home, and now home is changing in her eyes because you've also met someone else and to her that is going to be a bit like you leaving too, isn't it? It's a change that also suggests that she and her siblings aren't the only priority for you either. So in her mind neither of her parents are putting her first anymore. That doesn't mean that you resign yourself to no adult life and it is likely that she's being quite difficult and selfish, but it's because she's panicking about what all of this means for her. It's not because she's an awful person.

DishingOutDone · 14/03/2021 12:53

[quote bitofapickler]@InFiveMins thanks. Can I ask why you think I don't put her first ? [/quote]
Oh I dunno maybe its because its mothers day and yet you've invited him over, and the haste with which you delightedly agreed that she was selfish and immature.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/03/2021 12:54

Her father is trying everything to rebuild a relationship with her but she is not open to that. She treats him appallingly and says terrible things to him . He cannot do any right in her eyes and each day gives out about him

This really stood out for me. She is very much aware of what he did and she is under no obligation to want to see him nor forgive him yet you clearly think she should.

She has gone through a huge upheaval with the split, her schooling etc and now has to contend with dating happening. You could have kept the two separate and she wouldn’t even needed to know.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 12:57

How could I have kept the two separate ?

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/03/2021 12:59

@bitofapickler

How could I have kept the two separate ?
Very easily. I have lots of single friends who date and their children have no idea.

They see them when they are the other parents, book a sitter, during the day when they are at school for lunch etc.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 13:00

Ok but I don't have that luxury .

OP posts:
Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 13:01

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I don't think you've read the full thread

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/03/2021 13:05

I have read the thread Hmm

She’s 16 and quite capable of being left home during the day so you can meet him outside the household even if she isn’t going to her dads. A boyfriend doesn’t have to stay overnight whatsoever.

mummywithhermini · 14/03/2021 13:11

She reminds me of me as a teen....an absolute cow ( sorry)

wingsandstrings · 14/03/2021 13:12

Wow, happy mother's day . . . . or happy martyrs day as many posters on here would have it. You are getting a buzzard amount of flack for wanting to have occasional hours with your BF, 2 years after the breakup of your marriage, while supporting your DD16 to the extent that you won't even go out during the day and leave her alone in the house. Ignore the 'you must sacrifice all your happiness and independence on the whim of your 16 year old' nonsense on here. Personally I would sit down with her and have an honest talk. Tell her that she is your priority, you will always be here for her and you love her more than words can express. However make the point that you too have needs and would love to pursue this relationship. Set out some boundaries with her so she knows what to expect, have a conversation about what you and she think is reasonable in terms of when and how you see your BF. Make it feel like you are in it together, you are a team - and in a team you look out for each other, not just you looking out for her (although obvs the balance will lie that way as you are mum). Also talk about how you guys can continue to stay connected and enjoy mother/daughter time. In a very short period of time your DD will probably have left home. Enjoy the last little bit with her under your roof, but don't let her destroy your chance at happiness with BF considering over the long term.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/03/2021 13:14

If you pander to her now you'll be pandering to her in 30 years, just like my mother does to my sibling. I have no relationship with sibling, and the one with my mother has been badly damaged as time and again my sibling's wants has been put above my needs. But I'm supposed to be fine with it as sibling is happy. The fact that I'm not is immaterial.

Leave her at home for a few hours and deal with the tantrum. Or you'll still be dealing with this behaviour many years from now.

Emeraldshamrock · 14/03/2021 13:20

He isn't really the problem though I can see why it is troubling her.
The other DC are away she could have 1to1 time with you.
She might spend most time in her room, him being there takes away the option of spending time with you.
She has been through the marriage breakdown and now has a new man she didn't choose in her home at her young impressionable age.
You need a balance.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 14/03/2021 13:20

Just wondering is maybe she has a fear of abandonment maybe? As her dad has (in her eyes due to the affair) and she's now worrying that you are going to abandon her.

BTW @bitofapickler I'm not saying you are just saying maybe that's how she perceives it.. but your still entitled to live your life and be happy too and she needs to understand that.

Sounds like your putting your kids first but she's trying to test boundaries and rule the roost also.

Hang on in there.

Thisgirlcando · 14/03/2021 13:37

A boyfriend doesn’t have to stay overnight whatsoever

But OP wants him to. Why should she martyr herself? Her marriage ended two years ago because her ex had an affair, why should she not be allowed to move on? She isn’t 12 and limited to walks in a park with a boy she likes. She is a grown woman that wants a relationship, it is natural. If your kid decided they didn’t want you having a relationship with someone of your choice with no reason other than them not wanting you to would you consider that ok?

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 13:57

I've woken her up and had a really
Good chat with her . I've take on board majority of the advice from here and had a frank and honest discussion with her reassuring her that she is my absolute priority while acknowledging the epain she has been going through for the past two years . I encouraged counselling again.she won't do that.
Pre lockdown, her siblings went with their dad in the evenings for a few hours now and again.we often ten watched a film or went to the gym together.
Their dad would not take them through lockdown in the evenings so we literally had no one on one time so this is where the issue lies , when my boyfriend comes in.
She is happy for me and sees that I am happy but
Feels pushed out in that her siblings are
Constantly here and when they go to their dads for the two nights, my boyfriend has been here ,even though we often go for coffee or a drive on our own . So she needs more time with me and that is easily solved .
Ironically though whenever we have this time alone in the housefor whatever reason , she hibernates in her room and doesn't want to engage with me or really do anything.

OP posts:
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