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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen may be unhappy with my partner

96 replies

bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 09:55

Wondering who is bu here .
My 16 year old daughter has met my partner many times . We are together a year. I never intended to introduce him to my children before the year mark at the earliest but my daughter decided she didn't want to go to her dads anymore as they were clashing , so I couldn't leave our home eow to spend with him or friends as she needs to be supervised because of her age. We are bubbled as two single adult households .
He comes to me eow mostly and we sometimes meet on the alternate week for a coffee or a walk . We live 25 miles from each other.
My other two kids who are 10 and 12 have met him once and believe that he is my friend . It was brief and they all liked each other . I am only separated two years so I am sensitive to their feelings about me and their dad moving on .
So my partner is going through a bit of a rough time with his health ... not serious but it's getting him down as he is alone all day and misses his children and family and friends and lives 80 miles from them so he is pretty sad too.
I asked him about f he'd like to come to
Ours for supper this evening . He's delighted and looking forward to it.
My teens response when I told her was' why?? He is here enough isn't he ?'
They get on exceptionally well so I was surprised . I know that she pushes to be top dog in my life and I reassure her that she is .she is possessive of me and believed that when she Stopped going to her dads that we would live the high life here on our own . She didn't like me going away to meet friends pre covid or having my down time essentially , unless she had her own plans., I know this is tough on her... separation/ restrictions/ new partner but is she being unreasonable or am I ?
And Happy Mothers Day 🌺

OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 14/03/2021 11:16

[quote bitofapickler]@sunflowersandbuttercups thanks. The only readon he is here is because I can't leave her unsupervised and she refuses to go to her dads .
We both work at home at present so cannot leave and meet during the day .
I have literally two days per fortnight to myself and like all other single parents whose children have little contact with the NRP, it is exhausting and much needed down time .
The alternative is to finish the relationship but it brings me great joy and support . I really don't want that . So perhaps I am bu.[/quote]
Why can't you leave her unsupervised sorry if you've explained this bit and I've missed it.

FightingFiles · 14/03/2021 11:17

Why can't you leave a 16 year old unsupervised?

JJSS123 · 14/03/2021 11:20

I honestly can’t believe I’m reading this!!

I was once the 16 year old in pretty much the exact situation as yours, I haven’t spoken to my mum for years. She has never met my children. And doesn’t know where I live.

I was called immature and controlling and selfish, I was a CHILD, yes even at 16 I was still the child of that relationship.

She put a man before me, he left her years ago apparently so it wasn’t even actually worth it.

Think about it from her point yes she’s 16 but she will still always be the child in your relationship and you are her mother and should understand that.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 11:20

@BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl . Nobody's dy is speaking unkindly of her . I am Speaking the truth . I don't agree with fluffing the truth . As a child at present, she is selfish and she is immature . They are facts as horrible as they are to accept . I love my daughter with all my heart but she, like me, is not perfect and these are the issues That we have right now .

OP posts:
Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 11:21

@JJSS123 ... how is that comparable ?
My children come
First ....

OP posts:
JJSS123 · 14/03/2021 11:24

I am just saying she’s at a vulnerable age she’s had trouble with her dad don’t push her feelings to the side for a man. It does irreparable damage. You are speaking about her as an adult and she isn’t one yet, she has been through trauma maybe try getting her some help, as the oldest child she probably tried to protect the younger ones so took a lot of it herself.

Tal45 · 14/03/2021 11:25

I'd imagine she is trying to feel something in her life is under control and she needs you to provide that stability for her. She's reeling from her dad having an affair and them clashing and now you getting more involved with your BF and wonders where she fits in with it all.

16 is a really difficult age no matter how grown up people think she should be. If she's not getting emotionally what she needs from you she'll start looking for it other places. That's not to say don't have your BF round but it's really important you make it clear how important she is and make sure she has plenty of your time and love as she is probably really needy right now with everything that is going on with her dad x

BuddhaAtSea · 14/03/2021 11:25

@bitofapickler I hear you. If it was up to my DD, I would have to just sit in my room, or leave the house when she’s having friends around, but I can’t have my partner overnight, or go for a walk etc.
She wouldn’t join us for dinner and make her disapproval very well known, but even if I am home alone, she wouldn’t join me for a meal, just grabs her plate and goes to her room.

Hard to say what the best approach is, but my DD really loves a routine. So we have Sunday lunch together, just me and her, one day in the week I pick her up from school and go for a coffee/walk. We don’t talk in the mornings, she sorts herself out, but we have a little catch up when I get home from work, how was your day type of thing.
My partner doesn’t stay the night and we don’t do ‘family stuff’ with him and his DD, but I get to go over to his.
HTH

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 11:33

I've tried to get her counselling but she won't hear of it . Her father is trying everything to rebuild a relationship with her but she is not open to that. She treats him appallingly and says terrible things to him . He cannot do any right in her eyes and each day gives out about him .
We have spoken for hours and hours at length about it all and I am
Trying to be the very best mother I can be . She has little interest in her siblings and has loved lockdown by her own
Admission .
The kids are with me every waking moment bar the two days per fortnight . I did used to go to my boyfriends house for those weekends but stopped doing that as she could not be left alone .

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/03/2021 11:37

Why can't you leave her alone?

You keep saying she can't be left but why not?

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 11:40

She doesn't want to be left alone

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 11:41

@JJSS123

I am just saying she’s at a vulnerable age she’s had trouble with her dad don’t push her feelings to the side for a man. It does irreparable damage. You are speaking about her as an adult and she isn’t one yet, she has been through trauma maybe try getting her some help, as the oldest child she probably tried to protect the younger ones so took a lot of it herself.
I agree with you. At 15/16 I started going through some of the worst times of my life (up to that point). I never felt so childlike, yet was expected to be acting like a grownup - especially for the sake of my younger siblings. I also probably acted out in a very immature manner, but I felt like I was drowning emotionally. As stupid as it sounds, just wanted my mother to make the world stop for a moment and let me be a young girl again. Go back to a time where I wasn't expected to take responsibility or look after myself all the time, where all the horrible things hadn't happened yet, where my small world hadn't changed for the worse.

You shouldn't have to give up your BF op, but I really think you are being very dismissive of how much your child has gone through, and the reasons she's behaving as she is. Perhaps if and when lockdown ends, she's heading for the end years of being a teen, she'll soon hopefully be out and about again. With personal independence she'll probably care less for your attention but in the meantime I think you need to grit your teeth and put her first at times.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/03/2021 11:41

Not even during the day?

Overnight I can understand but I think during the day (once things start easing) I would be saying she can go to her dads' or be left to her own devices through the day while you're out.

There's no reason an NT 16 year old can't be left for a few hours during the day while you go out for lunch or a day out somewhere.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 11:46

I can't explain myself better than she either wants me
All
To herself but yet doesn't want me when I am there and it is just us two . If a friend calls to go out for a socially distanced walk or run, she is naturally gone out the door . It is entirely different for me.

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 11:50

@bitofapickler

I can't explain myself better than she either wants me All To herself but yet doesn't want me when I am there and it is just us two . If a friend calls to go out for a socially distanced walk or run, she is naturally gone out the door . It is entirely different for me.
What consequences would there be for you leaving her alone? Because it sounds like you've decided she's holding your strings but there's no explanation as to what would be so awful if you left all afternoon.
Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 11:52

It's guilt that I feel. That's the consequence for me. She expresses her dissatisfaction that I'm not there just for us to be together in the house, yet she doesn't really
Engage and if there's a better offer she is gone .

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 14/03/2021 11:53

At 16 she does have a lot going on yes.However in a few years she will be out with chums/BF etc .I think she is testing you .I would just carry on as you are ATM .Your younger two are happy to see him .You are bending over backwards to accomodate her wishes ,even going for a Coffee with her when he is over!

Smallfry79 · 14/03/2021 11:54

I think some posters are a bit harsh here. It sounds to me like you are trying your best. I too have a very selfish 16yo here and its not a sign of abuse or neglect to acknowledge this.

Sometimes I feel mothers can be expected to sacrifice everything for their children to the detriment of their own being. You dont stop being a person with your own needs once you give birth. Yes your children come first but that doesnt mean you dont count at all.
I think your daughter is struggling and it is a difficult age but at the same time the world doesn't revolve around her she needs to understand its not ok to hurt others just because she is hurt. You too have been hurt, your partner had an affair and your relationship broke down. You deserve some happiness in your life.
It sounds to me like you are striking a good balance, giving her support and plenty of time to spend with or come to you.
Im definitely no expert and dont get parenting right all the time but i think you are doing ok. Its hard especially as a single parent to drop the guilt but i think she knows deep down you love her and hopefully with a bit more reassurance and time she will become more secure in that love.

thekewgirl · 14/03/2021 11:56

It sounds like she wants you available but on her terms which I am not sure you should be pandering to. It sounds like you make her feel loved and very special and you're helping her to overcome her worries, but you can't put your life on hold. I have a 16yr old (eldest of 3), he is a great kid but also selfish and a bit immature. I also separated from his dad a few years ago and he also has no contact with his father (younger children do).

There is nothing I wouldn't do for him and he knows that, but I won't prioritise him at the expense of others - if that makes sense. He also needs to learn that empathy for others is important 😊

sunflowersandbuttercups · 14/03/2021 12:03

Well, to be honest I would be inclined to tell her tough luck.

I wouldn't leave a 16yo home alone overnight if she wasn't comfortable, but I wouldn't be told I can't go out during the day and leave her alone.

If she doesn't want to be alone she can (in normal times) go and see a friend or arrange to do something in town, but she doesn't get to insist you sit at home with her all weekend.

BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 12:08

@bitofapickler

It's guilt that I feel. That's the consequence for me. She expresses her dissatisfaction that I'm not there just for us to be together in the house, yet she doesn't really Engage and if there's a better offer she is gone .
So you feel bad and you're trying to make out that's her problem? There is no actual consequences from her if you went out other than she may be a grump?

This sounds more and more like you've decided she's the enemy and looking for excuses to say she's being unreasonable. There is nothing stopping you going out for the afternoon, except it gives you an opportunity to say how selfish she's been again.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/03/2021 12:10

I don't think you're doing anything wrong OP.
You're entitled to a life. Allowing everything to revove around a child doesnt do them any favours.

I would see if you can facilitate a relationship between her and her dad again too.

Don't allow her to manipulate you. The pasta thing was selfish and immature and it's good to call her out on such behaviour as long as she knows she is loved and you actively show this - which you do.

Original poster
bitofapickler · 14/03/2021 12:12

@BrumBoo thanks for taking the time to reply but what you've written is nonsense . Maybe I have not expressed myself wee enough but you're completely off the mark with your assumptions.

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 12:18

[quote bitofapickler]@BrumBoo thanks for taking the time to reply but what you've written is nonsense . Maybe I have not expressed myself wee enough but you're completely off the mark with your assumptions.[/quote]
Can only go by what you say. You say the reason you don't leave her is because of guilt, yet blame feeling guilty on her selfish behaviour. There is actually nothing stopping you going out every other weekend, you've just put on there self imposed consequences. In the meantime, your 16 year old is getting very little recognition for obviously going through a very difficult time over the last couple of years, whilst a part time boyfriend of a year needs you as his 'support system'.

This is all from the information you gave..

DrManhattan · 14/03/2021 12:18

Shes messed up. Look after her.

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