Just found cannabis plants in BF's cupbard.

[7catsandcounting]

I need your advice. I've just found a black tent thing with four cannabis plants (two/three feet high) in it and a lamp and fans in my boyfriend's storeroom. Hidden behind empty boxes. It stinks. I said it stunk in the bathroom and he blamed it on the neighbour. I said it couldn't be someone smoking because the smell was permenant. He said he reckoned the neighbour was growing it. We had a full-on conversation about it! I was just having a bath and it dawned on me that he was lying. So, I went and looked. He says it's just for himself. It seems like a lot to me. How much would that be worth? Is he probably selling it? I'm really upset. I feel so naïve and stupid. He'd promised he'd given it up. I knew he smoked years ago, but je promised he'dfinished. He's trying to qualify as a teacher. I can't go home because of curfew (not in UK). My DD is with me.
It's the lying I'm so cross about. And I've spent all day cleaning and sorting his fucking flat, feeling sorry for him because he gets down. I've made it all really nice for him. I can't even describe how bad it was. Been at it 10 hours. He doesn't have the energy to sort his fucking appartement out. He's off sick from teaching. He's off for the rest of the year! But he's not so sick he can't set up a fucking farm in his cupboard. It stinks! He said he'll get rid of it all and won't talk about it. He says I'm overreacting.
This is the first time we've ever stayed at his flat. Well, this flat. I want to go home, but I'll be fined for being out. I also had a gin and can't drive.
I want to read him the riot act, but can't in front of my DD. I'm just staying quiet on my phone.
DD (mine) has had a lovely party evening. He made pizza and cake. She has no idea. I want to cry and cry.

@ByTheSea

I personally think cannabis is far less dangerous than alcohol and can be used to treat a variety of physical and mental health issues. I know plenty of productive adult citizens in responsible positions who use it regularly and its legality is finally growing in popularity. Too bad so many people have been socialised to think it is so awful.

@ByTheSea If you read some research, like the sort I posted earlier in the thread, you'd see cannabis is far from harmless, is at least as dangerous as alcohol, and far from treating mental health issues, it causes mental health issues. Too bad so many people have been socialised to think it is 'harmless' and 'less dangerous than alcohol' when facts and research show the opposite.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

My DD is with me. It's the lying I'm so cross about. And I've spent all day cleaning and sorting his fucking flat, feeling sorry for him because he gets down. I've made it all really nice for him. I can't even describe how bad it was. Been at it 10 hours.

This is a subconscious lesson for a daughter than it is a woman's job to resolve a man's issue. You have spent ten hours cleaning up his mess because he couldn't be arsed. Can you see how utterly ridiculous that is? How a decent man wouldn't dream of letting you do that? How if you really wanted to carry on seeing him you would expect him to come to yours if his home is so gross? How you've brought your own daughter to a house that is gross, for her to witness you fixing it for ten hours for a man?

Even without the weed this is a shitty relationship!

Stop spending time and energy doting on a man who thinks so little of you he allowed you to spend ten hours making his flat nice for him.

Agreed. OP fulfilled the dutiful woman stereotype. By dragging her daughter there to see her mum play the stepford/handmaid tale woman who cleans up for the man, she's playing an anti-feminist role model for her daughter. The OP should have told the dirty pig to clean his own damn house, she is a woman, not a slave and it's not for the woman to clean for the man. I'm not sure how she can be 'happy' after cleaning either, as she said. I would feel used and like a MAID. I would feel internalised hatred for myself for allowing myself to be dragged into that 1940s sexism. I guess there are women who like to play the 1940s gender stereotype, as odd as that is to me, but bringing your daughter into it to make her think that is the role of a woman is really, really off.

I agree that a small number of plants like this is only really enough for personal use, but I'd be more concerned about somebody "too depressed" to look after himself, and I can understand your annoyance at being sucked into the role of 50's housewife under the impression that you were being kind to somebody "down in the dumps". As PP's have said, this is also sending messages to your daughter about falling into the role of "helpmeet making it all better" while he wallows in his own learned helplessness.
Cannabis nowadays is not the same as the stuff that was around when I was a flighty young student, but even then it was enough to make folk excessively relaxed; a fellow-student basically mucked up her teacher training by relaxing with weed; it took the edge of her anxieties to the extent that she was no longer stressed by tutors being on her case because she'd done no work. Not cheered up so that she could tackle it, just floating on a happy pink cloud until she failed the year. She pulled herself together eventually, after a couple of years, but the munchies habit she acquired has left her with a permanent weight problem.
Other posters have made the point that alcohol is a legal drug, and if used in moderation it can be absolutely fine, but again, it can be damaging. I've never worked with anybody whose weed habit impaired their teaching, but I've seen the slow car-crash that excessive drinking can make of a teaching career.
For most jobs, you need your wits about you, and this, I think is his fundamental problem, not the manner in which he chooses to blur the edges.

This would be a deal breaker for me, OP, for a number of reasons.

1. It stinks. That alone would be enough to put me off.
2. He lied. Trust is really important to me.
3. It's illegal. That might not matter to some, but it would be an issue for me, especially with a young child in the house.
4. He has significant existing mental health problems. Cannabis is known to exacerbate mental health problems. He clearly isn't taking responsibility for managing his mental health.
5. It stinks. I keep coming back to this.

[quote FangsForTheMemory]@rosiejaune I've never used a drug other than alcohol in my life. Where did you get the idea that almost all adults are drug users from?[/quote]
Alcohol is a drug and a very harmful one at that. Just because its legal doesn't negate the fact that you are a drug user

Rights and wrongs of cannabis use aside, I think the clear issue here is that he lied to you and you have clearly very opposing views about lifestyle..... Sounds like the end of the relationship.

However, not quite sure why you need to get het up about needing to leave right this second...think YABU a bit if your concern is the cannabis and not just being emotional as your relationship is over. Wait out until the morning and then have a calm breakup another time without your DD present.

@Cokie3 As women, are we not allowed to help people if they've got dicks?

I consider myself to be a militant feminist. I had my daughter on my own (with a donor), I own my own houses, run two businesses, do my own DIY, drive, vote, volunteer for animal rights charities (and just translated a paper on feminism and the animal rights movement), so don't give me that handmaid crap.

He didn't sit around while I dusted in a French maid's outfit before pouring him a brandy. He got stuck in with me, moved the furniture and drove all the rubbish to the tip. I did it to help boost him into action because of his depression. Have you never helped a person who's managed to get themselves in a mess before or do you just go around judging which women are the right women to have in the feminist movement? If you're too good with a bottle of Cilit Bang, you're not allowed in? Is that it?

Telling me what message I'm giving my daughter! Fuck off with you. My daughter has an independant, successful mother who manages everything on her own. Where do you get off judging women like that? You sound like a nightmare of a person. My biggest fear is that my daughter turns into someone who takes it upon herself to bring women down... particularly when they're having a hard time and asking for advice or help.

To those who offered their advice, help and kindness, thank you. I'm back home. I'm taking a breather. We talked it through in the morning. I told him he'd lose me if it carries on. He put the tent and equipment in bin bags and threw it away and has promised to seek help. He's now tackling the kitchen and sending photos of his progress. I've said I need to have a couple of weeks or months to think about things because of the lying.

So that's where I'm at.

I don't like being called a bad mother. My BF is in a bad place, but he's very good with my DD and we all enjoy each other's company. There are a lot of positives. I now have to work out whether the negatives outweigh the positives.

[quote 7catsandcounting]@Cokie3 As women, are we not allowed to help people if they've got dicks?

I consider myself to be a militant feminist. I had my daughter on my own (with a donor), I own my own houses, run two businesses, do my own DIY, drive, vote, volunteer for animal rights charities (and just translated a paper on feminism and the animal rights movement), so don't give me that handmaid crap.

He didn't sit around while I dusted in a French maid's outfit before pouring him a brandy. He got stuck in with me, moved the furniture and drove all the rubbish to the tip. I did it to help boost him into action because of his depression. Have you never helped a person who's managed to get themselves in a mess before or do you just go around judging which women are the right women to have in the feminist movement? If you're too good with a bottle of Cilit Bang, you're not allowed in? Is that it?

Telling me what message I'm giving my daughter! Fuck off with you. My daughter has an independant, successful mother who manages everything on her own. Where do you get off judging women like that? You sound like a nightmare of a person. My biggest fear is that my daughter turns into someone who takes it upon herself to bring women down... particularly when they're having a hard time and asking for advice or help.

To those who offered their advice, help and kindness, thank you. I'm back home. I'm taking a breather. We talked it through in the morning. I told him he'd lose me if it carries on. He put the tent and equipment in bin bags and threw it away and has promised to seek help. He's now tackling the kitchen and sending photos of his progress. I've said I need to have a couple of weeks or months to think about things because of the lying.

So that's where I'm at.

I don't like being called a bad mother. My BF is in a bad place, but he's very good with my DD and we all enjoy each other's company. There are a lot of positives. I now have to work out whether the negatives outweigh the positives.[/quote]
Be fair to us OP, you absolutely didn't describe this situation as if he mucked in and you tackled it as a team. Your words were:

And I've spent all day cleaning and sorting his fucking flat, feeling sorry for him because he gets down. I've made it all really nice for him. I can't even describe how bad it was. Been at it 10 hours. He doesn't have the energy to sort his fucking appartement out.

I've spent / I've made / he doesn't have the energy etc.

I don't know how people were meant to read into your words that he was motivated and made as much effort as you which you're now implying?

It was due to the way you phrased it that people brought up the subconscious message it would send to your daughter.

@7catsandcounting You can take it out on me if you want but numerous people said about you doing the cleaning and what it teaches your daughter, way before I even commented. But I'll take it for the team if you like.

But, on the topic, genuinely needing help is one thing. Taking the piss, is another. It's not like he has an illness or is incapacitated, he is a substance abuser and uses that as an excuse. How long do you think the house will stay clean for, before you need to clean it for him again? Genuine illness, sure, but he is a stoner and substance abuser, he doesn't make any effort and didn't care at all. So, yeah, there is a difference between those who need help and those who are taking the piss.

Well said youvegottenminuteslynn . It's like she's changing the goal posts now that the affect on her daughter has been mentioned.

Maybe I didn't make it clear that he'd helped. That's on me. And if he keeps it up with the mess and the cannabis, then I won't be able to tolerate it. But I don't put my daughter in dangerous situations and I don't let her think that women have to go around cleaning for men.

It's hard to put a whole relationship into a couple of paragraphs. I know it can be harsh on AIBU, but we women can really let each other down sometimes on here.

If you're telling me that staying with a stoner who can't sort himself out because he's abusing drugs is wrong then I can accept it. If I willingly went along with it and kept taking my daughter to his flat with cannabis plants in it, then I'd be a pretty shit mother.

I can accept that I've been naive, that I've had the wool pulled over my eyes, that I need to think if there's really a future with this guy, that I should be angry, that he lied to me... all that is true. But I won't be called a bad mother for helping someone. I want my daughter to be someone who'll help people.

Anyway, I've got enough to think about without getting into a big Mumsnet argument. I apologise if I flew off the handle and went on the defensive. I'm feeling fed up and ratty today.

He helped. He didn't make as much effort as me. I don't think he knew where to start. Anyway, it's done now. I shouldn't have to make excuses for him. he needs to sort this out. I've got my own life and renovations to be getting on with. He should be able to sort the rest of it out himself. If he managed to get two master's degrees, he can clean a sodding kitchen and go and see a medical professional about his weed addiction. If he can't do that, then he doesn't deserve me or my DD. I really am still very cross about it all.

Oh god just break it off with him.

He’s never going to change, it’s never going to get better.

But you do know now that at a minimum he is a drug user and a convincing liar. He's using a drug you aren't comfortable with a partner using and has lied about it.

He also says he is very down etc and while that may be true, smoking weed shows he isn't tackling feeling demotivated, lazy and miserable - it will exacerbate all those things.

You made more effort than him during the clean up of his home, you've said that again. And while you're angry people have focused on the message it sends to all parties involved - you did do that with your daughter there.

I'm a bit taken aback you are still considering (by the sounds of it) a future with someone who is a drug user, liar and general user. It doesn't sound like a sensible thing to consider with you or your daughter in mind.

I don't know that much about his mental illness. He hasn't been diagnosed. I only know he was sectioned.

This is a little concerning also OP, as you should have had a full, Frank discussion about this by now. I have bipolar and can't imagine being with someone for three years (especially someone with a child) and forming what you describe as a happy and dynamic unit with them, without having discussed my diagnosis, prognosis, treatment plan etc.

He's been sectioned and you haven't asked about it? That seems odd, as you don't need to ask about it in an accusatory way but I think as a partner and a mum you should be seeking full disclosure on his mental health in order to be a long term couple.

I'm not offended if someone I'm with asks me questions about my mental health. I am medicated and have worked hard in treatment so am now very stable and don't have manic flare ups etc.

But a long term partner, especially one with a kid, should absolutely expect to have had a proper discussion about it with me. Especially if I was still very low, unable to maintain a healthy home environment, unable to work etc.

All in all this really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you to be in or your daughter to be around.

And I say this gently because I know you may react defensively but I remember some kids at school whose uniforms always smelled of weed and it was upsetting and embarrassing for them when they realised it. Things like that might not cross your mind right now but your little girl was in a house that smelled so much of weed you knew he was lying and were right.

You have a choice in all this, she doesn't.

[quote FangsForTheMemory]@rosiejaune I've never used a drug other than alcohol in my life. Where did you get the idea that almost all adults are drug users from?[/quote]
Well alchohol is a much more destructive drug than cannabis.

I find it hard to believe you don't use any other type of drug, no coffee/tea/chocolate etc?

Yeah, that's not seller quantity. That's well within personal usage.

I am shocked far more with the fact he invited you and your child to his shit-hole hovel.
I certainly wouldn't clean it.
I hope you've dumped him.

For posters who refuse to be believe that A LOT of adults use drugs - stats in the UK show that 1 in 3 adults have used illegal drugs (nearly 1 in 2 among the 35-44 group) and 1 in 5 of those asked continued to use them. That's illegal drugs, so not including alcohol which yes, most experts consider one of the worst drugs of all.

4 cannabis plants - meh. I would be concerned that he lied, and question whether this is the right relationship for you when you have different opinions on quite a significant topic and you are concerned for your child.

Laughing at the people arguing that all adults do drugs because technically, a cup of tea is a drug, so... It just makes me think of those people who say "well technically a tomato is a fruit, so marinara sauce is a fruit salad har har har".

There is a world of difference between alcohol and illegal drugs: alcohol is properly regulated, its production is generally safe, it doesn't fuel trafficking and the sex industry, its production doesn't involve gang violence and "turf" disputes, it's clear how much alcohol/how many units are in each measure of an alcoholic drink, people with alcohol problems don't have to fear punishment if they admit it.... etc.

There is an argument that cannabis use can be simply recreational, and I don't doubt that. But I have first hand knowledge of how it can take over someone's life and make living in their house, and being unable to leave, a complete nightmare. So there's that.