Just found cannabis plants in BF's cupbard.

[7catsandcounting]

I need your advice. I've just found a black tent thing with four cannabis plants (two/three feet high) in it and a lamp and fans in my boyfriend's storeroom. Hidden behind empty boxes. It stinks. I said it stunk in the bathroom and he blamed it on the neighbour. I said it couldn't be someone smoking because the smell was permenant. He said he reckoned the neighbour was growing it. We had a full-on conversation about it! I was just having a bath and it dawned on me that he was lying. So, I went and looked. He says it's just for himself. It seems like a lot to me. How much would that be worth? Is he probably selling it? I'm really upset. I feel so naïve and stupid. He'd promised he'd given it up. I knew he smoked years ago, but je promised he'dfinished. He's trying to qualify as a teacher. I can't go home because of curfew (not in UK). My DD is with me.
It's the lying I'm so cross about. And I've spent all day cleaning and sorting his fucking flat, feeling sorry for him because he gets down. I've made it all really nice for him. I can't even describe how bad it was. Been at it 10 hours. He doesn't have the energy to sort his fucking appartement out. He's off sick from teaching. He's off for the rest of the year! But he's not so sick he can't set up a fucking farm in his cupboard. It stinks! He said he'll get rid of it all and won't talk about it. He says I'm overreacting.
This is the first time we've ever stayed at his flat. Well, this flat. I want to go home, but I'll be fined for being out. I also had a gin and can't drive.
I want to read him the riot act, but can't in front of my DD. I'm just staying quiet on my phone.
DD (mine) has had a lovely party evening. He made pizza and cake. She has no idea. I want to cry and cry.

I wasn't so much cleaning as chucking stuff out. It's like something off one of those hoarders programmes. Here's the before and after. I was doing it to help him out. Not because he's a man and I'm a woman and I think it's my role in life. I thought he needed help getting started. I was trying to give him a boost. But, he managed to find the energy to set up a tent and lamps and whatever else is going on in there.

And he lied. Very convincingly.

I feel like a mug. I've smoked weed in the past, but we're in our 40s now. He needs to grow up. He's supposed to be too depressed to go to work!

I suppose it has nothing to do with me how he lives his life. I have my own house and a good job. I don't need him for anything. I love the bloke though. But I think tonight might be a deal breaker for me. We were all feeling so happy about the big sort out. It felt like a minor achievement. I'd made something passable out of Stig of the dump's bedroom.

DD asleep now. I'm in lounge, he's in other room. I can't wait to go home.

He's a teacher! Just brilliant

Which country are you in? Is cannabis legal there? You've done a great job of that room but how can you stand to be with him when he can't keep his place tidy?

Tell him to get out.

Why the fuck would he get out of HIS place?

OP, there is absolutely nothing about him or his life that pleases you. So it's irrelevant whether he is right or wrong. For both your sakes, end it. And honestly, it doesn't sound like you have been together that long or you wouldn't be finding out all this stuff the first time you stayed with him - and brought your DD along? I think you need to consider not rushing headlong into things in future.

Oh, it doesn't matter about the cleaning. They're two separate issues. It's just that I feel more let down because I really worked my arse off today. And I feel stupid because of it.

I've thought about putting them in a bin bag and chucking them out. But, my DD is here. I'm not going to make a big fuss in front of her. I can't.

I'll just get out first thing in the morning and have a break.

@RandomMess

I've never smoked a nicotine cigarette let alone weed

A depressed person smoking a known depressant that's going to go well!

Depression and a depressant have different meanings.

Depression is a mental health condition.

A depressant is a drug that makes you drowsy. Alcohol is another example of a depressant. The opposite of a depressant is a stimulant e.g. caffeine.

I've been with him 3 years. I've visited his flat before but never stayed (because of the mess). I decided to come over for the weekend and help him tackle it. I knew he used to smoke a lot of cannabis, but he assured me he'd stopped. I believed him. It's not the biggest deal in the world, I know, but since I had DD, I've become a bit of a stiff. I rarely even drink. I had a good time in my 20s and early 30s. I'm in another stage of my life now. I can't be doing with stoners.

Just go in the morning. You did a kind thing, helping him with his flat.

He’s self medicating in probably the least harmful way, but if you don’t like it, or the fact he lied- just leave him to it.

@FelicityBeedle

That’s personal use level. He probably didn’t tell you since he guessed you would over react

I guess a reaction is subjective then.

I don't think you're overreacting OP. It is illegal.

And to those who say most adults do drugs. They don't.

Nothing wrong with helping him out with the tidying. I get you feel pissed off you did all that though to find out at the end of the day he’s a bloody liar.

I wouldn’t trust him from now on, and therefore I would leave him. If he’s not grown out of smoking weed now he’s in his 40s, he probably never will. I’d be fuming at him lying, and to go into such an in depth conversation about it and lying throughout - Arsehole.

Nothing wrong with weed but not fair to lie about it to you. Your DD could have found that.

How old is your daughter?

That's a personal use amount- but the lying and using it whilst lying about using it would be my hell no, I'm out.

Ugh, he sounds like such a waster and you sound so lovely. Please leave, for your and your DDs sake.

She's almost 4. She wouldn't have known what it was. It smells though. We got here last night. She thinks it's been a real adventure. He's very good with her. He's very bright. He read with her, teaches her to play chess, we go off for walks on the beach and have a normalish life (weekends only). He always comes to me though. She knows the place is a mess, but is too young to judge, I suppose. There'll come a point when she's not though.

Some people can smoke weed and keep it to 'social level' ie at a party or evening in with a few like minded friends... it's fine if that's your thing and kept to a treat sort of thing.

Then there are people who smoke every day. These are the people who go to the trouble of growing their own. It's usually because the cost of smoking every day is prohibitive and this is the cheapest way to manage a habit.

As with alcohol - there is a whole different deal between someone who enjoys a drink at a party and an alcoholic. The same is true with weed.
Alcoholics suffer all the medical and social meltdown that comes from addiction. Daily weed smokers are addicts too even though the need is more psychological than physical.

It 'addiction' of a daily weed smoker manifests itself in 'can't-be-arsed- laziness' general malaise and happy to get others to clean up their shit (both actual and metaphorical) .

They make really shit partners as they only do stuff they can be bothered with and become too 'depressed' to do anything that is a chore. Because they are stones and can't - be - arsed.

Smoking weed isn't the problem. Smoking weed when you are off sick from work is definitely not helping yourself get better. It's indulging yourself and not having responsibility for your own well being . Add that to the lying . I would be off and consider myself as having had a lucky escape.

If you stay in this relationship you will be doing ALL the work. Physically and emotionally. Whilst he just goofs off. No fun for you or a child and certainly not an equal partnership.

I agree that he’s growing for personal use but I wouldn’t like it and I also wouldn’t like the lying.

Wow you're a great cleaner and organiser.
I'd dump him over his cleaning habits the weed aside.
Don't be cleaning for him, 10 hours with a 4 y.o in tow.
He is messy, a liar and a pot head too, time to move on.

If they are regular plants and not automatics [ usually very short ] just expose them to lots of day light and they will probably mutate into males and all it will do is give him a bad headache...!!

I'm loving how some posters bother to read the full thread.....

Moving on...... OP, I'd get out of there and not look back.

Has he been too 'depressed' to work the entire time you've known him, or us thus a recent thing?

@Justanotherdragact. Why would her daughter be going through his cupboards??

@Lubiluxe. You do realise that different countries have different laws? I don't know many adults that don't drink or smoke - do you?

It sounds as though he's a habitual user whose life is being quite severely impacted by the habitual use. He can't keep on top of normal household activities, can't manage his job and is an inventive and prolific liar. I have experience of dating someone similar. He could never leave the country for fear of not being able to find any. The one and only time we went abroad he smuggled some in his arse (no I didn't know) and then when it ran out spent days in bed with stomach pains. He constantly took the easiest/laziest options in life, it was very unattractive. Oh and because he was growing it he couldn't really go far from home even in this country as it would need tending every few days. If you can manage, get out. It's not a totally harmless drug as some would portray, it can really impact someone's personality and be the centre of existence. Seriously, massive bore.

Get yourself and your dd away from him. For good.

The lying is wrong and he's clearly doing a shit job of it if it's stinking the house out. I wouldn't be happy with that at all. Four plants is hardly a business though, so I'd say he's just playing around with the idea or trying to grow for personal use.

I wouldn't be with someone who took drugs though and I wouldn't have my child in a house that smelled of cannabis. Can you imagine her teachers smelling it on her at school/parents at play dates.

Is this a joke? Who cares if he is growing some weed? It's totally normal and common to smoke weed...