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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just found cannabis plants in BF's cupbard.

120 replies

7catsandcounting · 13/03/2021 19:56

I need your advice. I've just found a black tent thing with four cannabis plants (two/three feet high) in it and a lamp and fans in my boyfriend's storeroom. Hidden behind empty boxes. It stinks. I said it stunk in the bathroom and he blamed it on the neighbour. I said it couldn't be someone smoking because the smell was permenant. He said he reckoned the neighbour was growing it. We had a full-on conversation about it! I was just having a bath and it dawned on me that he was lying. So, I went and looked. He says it's just for himself. It seems like a lot to me. How much would that be worth? Is he probably selling it? I'm really upset. I feel so naïve and stupid. He'd promised he'd given it up. I knew he smoked years ago, but je promised he'dfinished. He's trying to qualify as a teacher. I can't go home because of curfew (not in UK). My DD is with me.
It's the lying I'm so cross about. And I've spent all day cleaning and sorting his fucking flat, feeling sorry for him because he gets down. I've made it all really nice for him. I can't even describe how bad it was. Been at it 10 hours. He doesn't have the energy to sort his fucking appartement out. He's off sick from teaching. He's off for the rest of the year! But he's not so sick he can't set up a fucking farm in his cupboard. It stinks! He said he'll get rid of it all and won't talk about it. He says I'm overreacting.
This is the first time we've ever stayed at his flat. Well, this flat. I want to go home, but I'll be fined for being out. I also had a gin and can't drive.
I want to read him the riot act, but can't in front of my DD. I'm just staying quiet on my phone.
DD (mine) has had a lovely party evening. He made pizza and cake. She has no idea. I want to cry and cry.

OP posts:
7catsandcounting · 13/03/2021 23:01

@Trickyboy Yes! That's exactly it! I hadn't really thought about it like that, but everything you say is true. I was a "party smoker". I just used to laugh and laugh at nothing and then go home to bed with a pile of toast.

He smokes rollies. They're probably joints and because I make him smoke outside, I've just never noticed. And if he's used to it, he's not going to be laughing at nothing like I would if I smoked it. I feel so naïve. And everything is always such a massive effort for him. It really is. Unless it's talking (going on and on) about poetry or politics or film in a what I now realise is a really wanky wanky way.

The other rooms are a tip. He can forget it if he thinks I'm doing it. I've got enough on with my own life.

I am upset to think this is the end though. It's a shock. We were on a real high after doing the bedroom (not a druggy one, for me and DD at least).

OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 13/03/2021 23:03

Just leave in the early hours of the morning and tell him that you won't be lied to. Don't look back, he's not worth it.

DdraigGoch · 13/03/2021 23:04

@Sweet666

Is this a joke? Who cares if he is growing some weed? It's totally normal and common to smoke weed...
It's really not.
tiredmum2468 · 13/03/2021 23:06

Why do you want to be with a druggy?
I would want my child being taught by s druggy either

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2021 23:06

I couldn't get fussed over him growing a few plants for personal use. It's legal in many countries and I don't think it'll be too long before it's legal here.

But that's by the by really. What I can't get over is what a scruffy, messy fucker he is.

Who the hell invites their girlfriend and her 4 year old child to stay and yet makes zero effort to clean the house and make it welcoming? Confused

He saw you coming I reckon and knew you'd clean it up for him.

emilyfrost · 13/03/2021 23:10

@Sweet666

Is this a joke? Who cares if he is growing some weed? It's totally normal and common to smoke weed...
Don’t be so ridiculous.
Nannyamc · 13/03/2021 23:11

Plan to leave tomorrow no discussion
Your child is more important than your boyfriend. Lucky to escape this fallout. Stay safe

7catsandcounting · 13/03/2021 23:12

@DdraigGoch I know. It's easier said than done though. It feels weird that it's over. We've been so lovey dovey since yesterday... and then boom! I'm very sad about it. I'm about to buy a building in my village to renovate and I've been so excited sharing plans with him over the weekend. The three of us have been so dynamic and happy. It's come as a shock. And now I'm sitting here wondering what the hell has happened and how I could have been so stupid. I daren't tell my family. My mum would be shocked. I don't suppose I have to tell them.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 13/03/2021 23:18

So in summary he is:

Slovenly
Lazy
Workshy
Unreliable
Dishonest and
Grows drugs that he uses

Watch the sun come up and run as fast as you possibly can.

RampantIvy · 13/03/2021 23:20

@Sweet666

Is this a joke? Who cares if he is growing some weed? It's totally normal and common to smoke weed...
In your circles maybe, but not in mine.

Excellent post @Trickyboy.

7catsandcounting · 13/03/2021 23:21

@Domino20 Thank you for sharing that. That's an eye- opener for me. I think I deserve better.

@MyLittleOrangutan I would just die if her teachers or friends knew about this. It's making me teary just thinking about it. You're so right. Thank you. :-(

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/03/2021 23:29

@7catsandcounting

I wasn't so much cleaning as chucking stuff out. It's like something off one of those hoarders programmes. Here's the before and after. I was doing it to help him out. Not because he's a man and I'm a woman and I think it's my role in life. I thought he needed help getting started. I was trying to give him a boost. But, he managed to find the energy to set up a tent and lamps and whatever else is going on in there.

And he lied. Very convincingly.

I feel like a mug. I've smoked weed in the past, but we're in our 40s now. He needs to grow up. He's supposed to be too depressed to go to work!

I suppose it has nothing to do with me how he lives his life. I have my own house and a good job. I don't need him for anything. I love the bloke though. But I think tonight might be a deal breaker for me. We were all feeling so happy about the big sort out. It felt like a minor achievement. I'd made something passable out of Stig of the dump's bedroom.

DD asleep now. I'm in lounge, he's in other room. I can't wait to go home.

Would the weed have anything to do with the depression?
Nanny0gg · 13/03/2021 23:30

@Sweet666

Is this a joke? Who cares if he is growing some weed? It's totally normal and common to smoke weed...
Is this a joke?
ineedaholidaynow · 13/03/2021 23:38

I can't believe he has been signed off work for a year!

Mcend · 13/03/2021 23:41

I wouldn't be fussed about the cannabis. But living like that, making zero effort when he knew your daughter was coming around is grim, I can't believe he had you cleaning for him. I'd leave based on the fact he couldn't even make a basic effort like keeping the house clean.

Cokie3 · 13/03/2021 23:49

@rosiejaune Not true. Marijuana can act as a depressant and is believed to be a possible risk of increase of alzheimers. It is not the 'safe' and 'harmless' drug people think it is.

Further info about Marijuana;

^Marijuana is a depressant drug that slows down the messages to and from your brain. The active ingredient in marijuana is tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Marijuana might make you feel ‘chilled out’, relaxed, happy and chatty, and may lead to hallucinations if a large dose is taken.

Marijuana also has many negative effects. It causes slower reflexes, poor coordination and concentration, nausea, glassy eyes and increased heart rate and appetite.

Regular users can get chest infections, lower sperm count, irregular menstrual cycle and lowered sex drive. They can become dependent.

There is also some evidence that cannabis can produce psychotic symptoms in people with a family history of mental illness. It can also make psychotic symptoms worse and harder to treat if you already have a mental illness like schizophrenia.

Marijuana users can have social and financial problems, and don’t do as well in education.

Problems are more common for people who start using marijuana at early age, and for people who use it regularly.^

and

^It’s a commonly used recreational drug, but does marijuana cause Alzheimer’s? This is a question a lot of people have, especially since last year there was a study released showing that marijuana can increase susceptibility to Alzheimer’s.
The study was published in the Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease, and it showed that people with a marijuana use disorder had reduced blood flow in almost every area of the brain, compared to controls who didn’t use marijuana. The research showed the hippocampus area of the brain had the biggest reduction in blood flow because of marijuana. The hippocampus is the part of our brain associated with memory and learning, and in people who have Alzheimer’s, it’s the first area of the brain that’s affected.

When you use marijuana, and it reduces blood flow to the brain, it reduces the amount of oxygen that can reach brain cells, which can result in damage to the tissues and even death.

Researchers believe that marijuana also blocks activity in the brain which prevents the formation of memories.

The results of this study don’t show definitively that marijuana can cause Alzheimer’s, but it should give marijuana users a bit of hesitance.^

There are too many red flags with cannabis, it's not the safe and harmless drug people think it is.

Either way, OP, it's clear your BFs problems with being organised in life is linked to his regular marijuana use. It's clearly interfering with his life and will interfere with his ability to become a teacher and hold down his job. You need to decide if you can be in a relationship with someone with such a dysfunctional life.

7catsandcounting · 13/03/2021 23:50

@ineedaholidaynow French civil service. I know. :-( I have two jobs. I need a holiday now too! ;-) He plays the system. He has a good union rep. He was in a psychiatric ward a few years ago for a dépressive episode. They thought it was bipolar (because he also had mania for a few weeks), but I don't think he was officially diagnosed. He doesn't take medication for it anyway. His mum told me they let him out because there was no room at hospital. It means he has a disability card here. I don't know the system to be honest. This is another reason I would feel bad about going. I wouldn't want to hurt him.

OP posts:
eeek88 · 13/03/2021 23:58

Incredible overreactions to a small amount of cannabis. Bear in mind only a fraction of the volume of that plant will be smokable: only the buds not the leaf or stalk. And buds shrink by at least 50% when dried. Also bear in mind that by growing his own he’s bypassing every aspect of cannabis consumption that is morally questionable - the exploitation of growers and traffickers, the mafias, the tax evasion... He can also be more selective about the strains he smokes and may be choosing less psychoactive strains than the skunky strong stuff he’d buy on the street. Finally bear in mind that a lot of teachers smoke, bloody good teachers too... obviously none will publicly admit it to their pupils and quite right too but I think you’d be surprised at how many good teachers are regular stoners.

Not an overreaction about the lying though. You two sound totally incompatible. You’d probably both be happier with someone else. You’ll be quite safe staying there til morning and then going your separate ways.

FelicityBeedle · 14/03/2021 00:07

Sounds like you don’t like him very much anyway if that’s how you talk about his mental illness

7catsandcounting · 14/03/2021 00:14

@FelicityBeedle I don't know that much about his mental illness. He hasn't been diagnosed. I only know he was sectioned.

OP posts:
Ingridla · 14/03/2021 00:32

I think you to need to clam down, it's really not that bad, an ex of mine had about 18 huge plants in the shed and converted my grandads old wardrobe into a cuttings hut. He used to smoke it like it was going out of fashion. 4 plants is not that big of a deal if you ask me.

I smoke it, I don't drink though Smile

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 14/03/2021 00:38

The three of us have been so dynamic and happy
Let me fix that for you:
I have spent 10 hours decluttering and cleaning the room he has been hoarding in and as a result the three of us feel so dynamic and happy.

It sounds like he's a leech on your energy, you're carrying him. Maybe you've fallen for the illusion that you can 'save' him from his depression or the mess he's made of his life (40 year old stoner). You can't. What does he bring to the partnership? How does he support you?

Ingridla · 14/03/2021 00:38

Not very often & not very much I hasten to add.

The ex was 22 years ago, stupid twat that he was.

Justanotherdragact · 14/03/2021 05:04

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Has he been too 'depressed' to work the entire time you've known him, or us thus a recent thing?

@Justanotherdragact. Why would her daughter be going through his cupboards??

@Lubiluxe. You do realise that different countries have different laws? I don't know many adults that don't drink or smoke - do you?

I don’t know how old her daughter is. There’s every chance she may have opened a cupboard door!
Lubiluxe · 14/03/2021 08:13

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Has he been too 'depressed' to work the entire time you've known him, or us thus a recent thing?

@Justanotherdragact. Why would her daughter be going through his cupboards??

@Lubiluxe. You do realise that different countries have different laws? I don't know many adults that don't drink or smoke - do you?

I assumed if it was legal where the op is then they wouldn't be posting about it! Of course I'm aware it is legal in some countries. Actually I think smoking is less and less common. I do know plenty of people who drink but I don't know many alcoholics.
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