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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just found cannabis plants in BF's cupbard.

120 replies

7catsandcounting · 13/03/2021 19:56

I need your advice. I've just found a black tent thing with four cannabis plants (two/three feet high) in it and a lamp and fans in my boyfriend's storeroom. Hidden behind empty boxes. It stinks. I said it stunk in the bathroom and he blamed it on the neighbour. I said it couldn't be someone smoking because the smell was permenant. He said he reckoned the neighbour was growing it. We had a full-on conversation about it! I was just having a bath and it dawned on me that he was lying. So, I went and looked. He says it's just for himself. It seems like a lot to me. How much would that be worth? Is he probably selling it? I'm really upset. I feel so naïve and stupid. He'd promised he'd given it up. I knew he smoked years ago, but je promised he'dfinished. He's trying to qualify as a teacher. I can't go home because of curfew (not in UK). My DD is with me.
It's the lying I'm so cross about. And I've spent all day cleaning and sorting his fucking flat, feeling sorry for him because he gets down. I've made it all really nice for him. I can't even describe how bad it was. Been at it 10 hours. He doesn't have the energy to sort his fucking appartement out. He's off sick from teaching. He's off for the rest of the year! But he's not so sick he can't set up a fucking farm in his cupboard. It stinks! He said he'll get rid of it all and won't talk about it. He says I'm overreacting.
This is the first time we've ever stayed at his flat. Well, this flat. I want to go home, but I'll be fined for being out. I also had a gin and can't drive.
I want to read him the riot act, but can't in front of my DD. I'm just staying quiet on my phone.
DD (mine) has had a lovely party evening. He made pizza and cake. She has no idea. I want to cry and cry.

OP posts:
Abraxan · 14/03/2021 08:22

@Sweet666

Is this a joke? Who cares if he is growing some weed? It's totally normal and common to smoke weed...
I must mix in very different circles as it's very much not common place or normal for adults to smoke weed even occasionally here, let alone grow your own stash.

I know one friend who does occasionally if at a festival. I know a handful of friends who did when in their student years. Mostly though they haven't smoked anything at all ever, legal or illegal.

I have never taken illegal drugs at all and either has dh. Neither have most of our friends.

So for me it's definitely not normal.

I couldn't live with someone who did think it was normal. I certainly couldn't live with someone growing their own.

I will happily enjoy alcohol - legal.
And I regularly take prescribed drugs - legal.

But not illegal ones.

Emeraldshamrock · 14/03/2021 09:04

I wouldn't clean any man's home like that, as you said the other rooms are a tip too.
Don't be a mug. Flowers

GNCQ · 14/03/2021 09:38

Can't believe someone on this thread has said that depression and smoking weed are separate issues.
Weed causes depression, it's kinda what it does.

OP, I feel for you I really do. I feel sad that he's betrayed you in this way

All of his depression, hoarding, not being bothered to organise all his stuff, being signed off work, they're all because he's a habitual weed smoker.

It's up to you where you go from here. But I couldn't let it go. You're not "overreacting".

GNCQ · 14/03/2021 09:40

I live in the UK where the local chemist has a sign up in the front window reading "we can legally provide cannabis products" so I do know how widespread it is.

It's a problem it's not something to be blasé about.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2021 09:44

My DD is with me. It's the lying I'm so cross about. And I've spent all day cleaning and sorting his fucking flat, feeling sorry for him because he gets down. I've made it all really nice for him. I can't even describe how bad it was. Been at it 10 hours.

This is a subconscious lesson for a daughter than it is a woman's job to resolve a man's issue. You have spent ten hours cleaning up his mess because he couldn't be arsed. Can you see how utterly ridiculous that is? How a decent man wouldn't dream of letting you do that? How if you really wanted to carry on seeing him you would expect him to come to yours if his home is so gross? How you've brought your own daughter to a house that is gross, for her to witness you fixing it for ten hours for a man?

Even without the weed this is a shitty relationship!

Stop spending time and energy doting on a man who thinks so little of you he allowed you to spend ten hours making his flat nice for him.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 14/03/2021 09:50

Almost all adults are drug users.

Most adults do not smoke cannabis though.

The lying is a far bigger problem than 4 plants.

Not my cup of tea personally. I find many people who regularly smoke that stuff often talk rubbish and eventually develop a cycle of up and down bad mood swings.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2021 10:03

@Sweet666

Is this a joke? Who cares if he is growing some weed? It's totally normal and common to smoke weed...
This isn't true but even if it was, it's probably not helping his depression, laziness or motivation is it?!
Justanotherdragact · 14/03/2021 10:04

@GNCQ

Can't believe someone on this thread has said that depression and smoking weed are separate issues. Weed causes depression, it's kinda what it does.

OP, I feel for you I really do. I feel sad that he's betrayed you in this way

All of his depression, hoarding, not being bothered to organise all his stuff, being signed off work, they're all because he's a habitual weed smoker.

It's up to you where you go from here. But I couldn't let it go. You're not "overreacting".

This is very true. It’s a circle unfortunately. Feel a bit low, smoke some weed and it takes you away from that. Before you know if you rely on it to make you feel better, and actually it’s making those non-stoned times darker and then you’re actually depressed. It is true. Creates a chemical imbalance.
RampantIvy · 14/03/2021 10:22

Almost all adults are drug users.

Most of them are not illegal drug users though.

ByTheSea · 14/03/2021 10:44

I personally think cannabis is far less dangerous than alcohol and can be used to treat a variety of physical and mental health issues. I know plenty of productive adult citizens in responsible positions who use it regularly and its legality is finally growing in popularity. Too bad so many people have been socialised to think it is so awful.

RampantIvy · 14/03/2021 10:47

@ByTheSea

I personally think cannabis is far less dangerous than alcohol and can be used to treat a variety of physical and mental health issues. I know plenty of productive adult citizens in responsible positions who use it regularly and its legality is finally growing in popularity. Too bad so many people have been socialised to think it is so awful.
Maybe they wouldn't think it was awful if it was legalised and regulated?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2021 10:53

@ByTheSea

I personally think cannabis is far less dangerous than alcohol and can be used to treat a variety of physical and mental health issues. I know plenty of productive adult citizens in responsible positions who use it regularly and its legality is finally growing in popularity. Too bad so many people have been socialised to think it is so awful.
But OP's boyfriend is lazy, depressed and currently signed off. I highly doubt that smoking weed is going to help any of those issues.
LuaDipa · 14/03/2021 10:56

I have no objection to drugs, legal or illegal, as I think it’s a matter of personal choice, but I don’t think this will be helping his depression. He also shouldn’t have lied.

Leave in the morning and don’t go back.

Redwinestillfine · 14/03/2021 10:58

Leave tomorrow. Don't look back. Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

shinynewapple21 · 14/03/2021 10:59

@FangsForTheMemory the point that @rosiejaune was making is that alcohol is a drug. Used by most adults .

@GNCQ I think the cannabis products supplied by the chemist are completely different!

I'm sorry @7catsandcounting but all considered I think there are too many issues with your partner for this to be a relationship to stay in long term, particularly given you have a young daughter .

BlueSussex · 14/03/2021 10:59

OP I think you and your DD deserve better and you need a fresh start.

Monr0e · 14/03/2021 11:07

OP, what was he doing for the 10 hours you were cleaning? What was your daughter doing? Is this the example you want to set for your daughter?. If you won't set the bar higher for yourself then please at least do it for her.

EveLe · 14/03/2021 11:08

OP haven’t you posted several times previously about this man? The details about him being a student teacher on the sick in France and you having a young DD sound very familiar!

If you are the same poster, then I think you really need to end it - you don’t seem at all happy with this man, and it sounds like that’s never going to change. He’s clearly lazy with very different values to you.

NormanStangerson · 14/03/2021 11:09

For some people this would be no big deal, for others it’s a massive deal breaker.

Forget the people for whom this isn’t notable and focus on the fact that this doesn’t align with your own moral standpoint for you and your disguise. And not only that, he’s repeatedly lied, he’s a trainee teacher, he is off sick and he allowed you to spend ten hours blitzing his shithole flat.

This is not a good start. I hope you got home ok.

NormanStangerson · 14/03/2021 11:10

Not disguise, daughter.

Monr0e · 14/03/2021 11:11

Also, he obviously hasn't changed in the 3 years you have been together if this is the first time you have brought your DD (and why did you knowing the state it is in)

I've read this before also.

What are you hoping to get from this? You seem very willing to put up with all sorts of crap for the sake of having a man in your life

bugmummeh · 14/03/2021 11:11

@Lubiluxe alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, paracetamol, ibuprofen, cetirizine, i think you'll find most adults DO do drugs.

RampantIvy · 14/03/2021 11:20

DH "does drugs" - statins, blood thinners and other drugs that lower his risk of dying.

Comparing illegal drugs to these is disingenuous.

LawnFever · 14/03/2021 11:21

I’d be very annoyed he blatantly lied, more so than having some weeds plants for personal use, but he clearly knew your reaction to the plants & you’re never going to see eye to eye on whether it’s ok to smoke recreationally.

I’d also be massively put off by his apartment being such a state, and don’t see why you’d spend so long sorting it.

Is he training to be a teacher or off sick from teaching? Not that it really matters, but your OP says both - do you mean he should be training but he’s not doing the course because he’s off sick?

All in all it doesn’t sound like a relationship that has a future, I’d cut your losses now and end it.

Lubiluxe · 14/03/2021 12:17

[quote bugmummeh]@Lubiluxe alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, paracetamol, ibuprofen, cetirizine, i think you'll find most adults DO do drugs.[/quote]
Ahh silly me for assuming you meant illegal drugs. A big difference 🙄