To think I break babies?

[Draineddraineddrained]

First daughter was a total nightmare baby - non-sleeping, trouble breastfeeding, always crying (almost everything attributable to CMPA as it eventually turned out). Second daughter will be a month old tomorrow and was a total angel for about 2 weeks - since then has been getting more and more crabby and spending more and more time crying and less and less time asleep - just spent from 6-9 pm dealing with her screaming, puking and crying non-stop. I'm in the spare room with her at the moment and DP came up after putting out eldest to bed, did his duty sit for 5 mins while I got a cuppa and a wee then couldn't escape fast enough. I feel so lonely and like I'm somehow to blame - she was alright when I got her!

Is it something I do that makes my babies so fucking miserable? I honestly feel guilty for having her right now. My partner hates it is(I knew he hates the baby bit but was hoping things would be different this time round with all we've learned), my big girl is a mess of emotions and not getting the best from either me or DP, and even the baby seems like she'd be better off not existing at the moment - she only wakes up to cry anyway. She must think life is utter rubbish at the moment, after spending the day with a stropping, shouting 4yo and a tearful, snappy mother who can't take her pain away. I feel like my partner doesn't want to know, not just re baby but me as well. I think bluntly if I climb into bed twice a week or so and give him an orgasm he honestly would prefer it if he didn't see me or baby any other time. And I'm just gutted that I seem incapable of producing a normal, content baby my partner can stand to spend time with 😭

Do you think your second child also has CMPA?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This is just what babies are like - unreasonable, demanding, all-consuming. She’s getting used to a whole lot of world and it’s hard for her.

On the other hand, it sounds like your husband could be doing a lot more to support you. Babies are hard, and so much harder without the help of a teammate. He really ought to step up and do his bit. Please don’t take his failure to do so as a reflection on you

Your partner is the ass in this scenario, not you or the baby.

Come on? Do you really think you ‘break’ babies? Of course not!! Having a baby and kids is really really hard. It’s emotional, challenging, you’re exhausted but you’re doing the best you can and you know it’ll get easier. We have all been there! You can do this...you ARe doing this :)

Also should add that around 4 weeks is when I felt lowest with my baby - they’re not asleep all the time but there’s no hope of a routine, they need you so much but they don’t give much back in terms of interaction, and the exhaustion is really taking root. Just remember that it does get better, and this very hard stage is relatively short.

You don’t break babies but it sounds like your DP has broken you! What’s he adding to this set up (5 mins doesn’t count)

@tobebythesea

I really really hope not. I bf big girl for 2.5 yrs in the end, it's a long time to go without butter and cheese 😬 also if it is that why did it take 2 weeks to kick in? Big girl was utterly inconsolable from day 3 onwards until I cut the dairy out. This baby was so peaceful until last week!

I'm going to do an elimination trial from Monday. Would have started sooner but partner has already ordered me an afternoon tea delivery for mother's Day on Sun (see he's not a total arsehole, he just can't stand babies!) and they won't take a cancellation so figure might as well get that done and then begin the trial. If that's what it is I'll be relieved I guess though, at least it's something I can do something about.

Partner to be fair I knew exactly what I was getting - he struggled hard with DD1 and it nearly broke us up as I hated the parent he was to her as a baby. He's an amazing dad to her now (a better parent than I am at the moment) - basically since she could walk/talk - but he just can't take babies, the crying sets off his misophonia and he can't stand a problem he can't solve. I knew this. But I wanted another baby desperately and I wanted a sibling for my daughter. And, yeah, idiot, I thought things would be better because we know what to expect this time and have learned a lot. But I knew he wouldn't be able to step up to the hard bits of the small baby rearing and I still chose to go ahead. So really IABU to be upset about that. But I wish he wanted to spend time with me that wasn't sex-related enough to put up with the baby for a while. I feel so isolated.

No. Whether a baby is easy going or cries a lot is a matter of luck, nothing else (providing their parents are doing the basics anyway!). Having a baby is hard but as long as she's being fed, changed, and cuddled you are doing an amazing job... even if you need to put her down and take a breather every now and then.

But it sounds like your DP needs to seriously up his game. Whenever he's not at work, your baby is 50% his responsibility and you deserve far more than a snatched 5 minutes here or there!

Speak to him and tell him he needs to step up. It doesn't matter whether he likes the baby stage, he helped make her so he can help soothe her too .

@Carolina24 thank you I needed to hear that. Even if it's going to be like this for a year like it was with DD1 it's still "only" a year - it WILL be worth it in the end when I have two lovely girls chatting to their dad and me at the dinner table, going on holidays together etc. This is just a phase, the tough bit. But I was hoping I'd enjoy it more this time as surely I wasnt going to get ANOTHER tricky baby? Hah. So much for that!

Sorry cross posted but misophonia is no excuse when noise cancelling headphones exist. Unless you actively tricked him by poking holes in a condom he's still just as responsible for your baby as you are.

Afternoon tea is lovely but it's no replacement for practical and emotional support.

It's not you. It's babies. They are all like that and if they aren't then they are unbelievably tricky at another stage. I had an easy baby. But it's been a non sleeping disaster since she hit 2. You will get through this. Can you afford any help? It's allowed under covid rules and they could take the baby or the big girl or both while you rest.

Oh lovely, no, you don't break babies. It's very common for newborns to basically sleep and be dreamy for the first fortnight, and then develop fussy evenings for the next few weeks. It's definitely worth cutting out dairy just in case but this really might just be typical newborn fussiness/colic. My first two both had colicky evenings, my third didn't... just luck of the draw.

I tried lots of different things to help with the evenings but the most reliable was putting baby in a sling and bouncing on a birthing ball - I did it for hours, wound up with thighs of steel! DH hated the newborn crying so he used to wear noise cancelling headphones and listen to calming music when it was his turn to bounce, maybe something you could suggest to your DP?

I also found that as much time outdoors as possible during the day helped - mine would have long, long naps when they were outside and sleep definitely begets sleep at this age - plus if you're out at the park and baby is asleep in the sling/pram then you can give big girl some proper focus. Hang in there OP, in a few months your oldest will be getting the baby's biggest giggles and they will be madly in love with each other.

@milkshake7489

He is willing to do more but only if I am happy to let him parent "his way" - which basically means if she's kicking off and he's fed her, changed her and spent about 5 mins shaking bouncing her up and down on his knee and it hasn't worked, he'll stick her in her Moses basket and ignore her. He says he has to do this as he can't hold on to her when she's writhing around but I know it's basically because he thinks whatever he does isn't going to "fix" her so why bother. Whereas I know I'm not going to "fix" her either but I want her to feel like someone's with her and cares anyway. So basically if I don't want her screaming her heart out in a basket then it has to be me. The only significant time I get away from her is every other night when I take my turn putting big girl to bed, I just have to hope baby has a good evening on those days because I'm not going to sacrifice that 121 time with big girl, she gets so little of my undivided attention these days, and she's playing up so much since baby was born o feel like I'm always telling her off. Bedtime every other night is our time to reconnect.

I was exactly the same 12 months ago, I had a just turned 1 year old (literally 2 days before) and a newborn they were both clingy, screaming and crying all the time I just felt like no matter what I did they were just both miserable, I doubted myself massively, me and my DP split up when the youngest was 3 weeks old due to the stress, but I did it! I managed and you can too OP!
Excuse my french but parenting is fucking hard HARD work and give yourself a bit of credit, you are doing it, yes your baby might be grumpy and crying all the time but you will just crack on and do it,to me you sound like your doing amazing! And you ARE amazing! You are a mother and to your children you are everything, even when things are tough and you cry with exhaustion and stress, you will still get up and carry on
Don't give yourself such a hard time you don't break your children, I agree your partner could do his bit to help out more and he should be

Could your husband take the baby for a walk in a sling instead of sitting? Or does she settle in a car?

@bootlebum and @onlythewildones - thank you so much it's good to hear that. I really hope you're right and she's just normally fussy. I was thinking that last week as she had content spells in the day and it was just classic witching hour stuff at night - but then this week she's basically been miserable whenever she's been awake, and puking more and more often and heavily - feel like I must be doing something wrong and the longer I'm responsible for her the worse she's getting! But it could just be CMPA ramping up as it accumulates in her system I guess?

Today was particularly rubbish as it's my daughter's afternoon off from preschool - it used to be "our day" together - and I find dealing with the two of them on my own really tough, just feel like a shit mother to the big one as all my attention and time is focused on settling/feeding/burping/soothing the little one and it doesn't even work 😭 so I think this evening has just got on top of me. I've thought about leaving her in preschool for Friday afternoons from next week as we none of us have a good time but then I feel so mean.

Misophonia, god help us. What a tosser.

Him not you, to be clear.

@JustAddCoffee91

Oh my god how you managed with a newborn and a 1yo and a break up - I'm in awe xxx thank you so much for the boost and the kind words xxx

Things that helped.....

Take your baby downstairs. You are way way too early for any kind of bedtime routine for her. Put the telly on, let husband fetch and carry and foot rub and let her suck lemon and off as she pleases.

Dummy.

It’s the witching hour.... it’s normal.

Get him to take her out for a walk in a sling, or pushchair if you don’t have. The fresh night air will settle her.

Feed feed feed feed feed feed

If she sleeps, just cuddle her on the sofa. No need to put her down at the moment, she will probably wake and cry.

Whatever you do, do not just sit with her on a dark room whilst she screams. There may be a place for that eventually, but not at 4 weeks. It’s miserable and entrapping and pointless.

Good luck!!! Xx

Not suck lemon!! Suckle!!

@DropDTuning Ido actually believe he has it, there are a few specific sounds that really set him off. But I have suggested the noise cancelling headphones (he has some!) and he just shrugs and says "yeah maybe" then doesn't do it. Same as when I suggest skin to skin, walking with her in sling etc - he just doesn't want to try anything different to what he's already trying. Very frustrating.

No, I definitely don't think you break babies; they break us. Sounds like it could be CMPA creeping in. Good luck, those first weeks are relentless. Sunnier times are ahead 🙏💪

Weird analogy but hear me out. We’re getting a puppy soon, I know puppies are really hard work and I’m expecting it to be very hard and unenjoyable for a while, but if I put the work in I’ll have a lovely dog eventually. If I was expecting it to be easy and it wasn’t I’d feel like a crap dog owner. I think babies are the same, except we think if we’re a good enough mum we will make the baby be easy. And we have lots of images in the media telling us it can/should be easy. I bet you’re doing great. Or like everyone else you’re not doing great but doing the best you can and love your children. The fact you’re posting worrying about it tells me you’re doing fine