To think I break babies?

[Draineddraineddrained]

First daughter was a total nightmare baby - non-sleeping, trouble breastfeeding, always crying (almost everything attributable to CMPA as it eventually turned out). Second daughter will be a month old tomorrow and was a total angel for about 2 weeks - since then has been getting more and more crabby and spending more and more time crying and less and less time asleep - just spent from 6-9 pm dealing with her screaming, puking and crying non-stop. I'm in the spare room with her at the moment and DP came up after putting out eldest to bed, did his duty sit for 5 mins while I got a cuppa and a wee then couldn't escape fast enough. I feel so lonely and like I'm somehow to blame - she was alright when I got her!

Is it something I do that makes my babies so fucking miserable? I honestly feel guilty for having her right now. My partner hates it is(I knew he hates the baby bit but was hoping things would be different this time round with all we've learned), my big girl is a mess of emotions and not getting the best from either me or DP, and even the baby seems like she'd be better off not existing at the moment - she only wakes up to cry anyway. She must think life is utter rubbish at the moment, after spending the day with a stropping, shouting 4yo and a tearful, snappy mother who can't take her pain away. I feel like my partner doesn't want to know, not just re baby but me as well. I think bluntly if I climb into bed twice a week or so and give him an orgasm he honestly would prefer it if he didn't see me or baby any other time. And I'm just gutted that I seem incapable of producing a normal, content baby my partner can stand to spend time with 😭

Oh, and forget about trying to please your partner/make sure his life’s ok. That’s his job.

Could it be reflux OP? My boy was the same, fine for 2-4 weeks then increasingly sick and writhing and uncomfortable. Is she writing after feeds? Does she feed okay?
He didn’t sleep because the reflux was worse laying flat and he preferred to lie on me.
It wasn’t until I actually got him on gaviscon and anti reflux formula that things got a lot better (I had a milk supply issue so I switched but you don’t have to give up breast feeding for reflux there’s medications etc)
I just wondered as you mentioned her crying a lot and wriggling on your DP and not sleeping

@TheAuthorityofJackieWeaver

Thank you some good ideas!

We've had a bad start with bf - she was a v sleepy baby and wouldnt latch at all the first week so is still mostly on EBM while we work on improving her technique and my comfort! I have never bottle fed before and am a bit confused as to how to cluster feed with bottles - I know that's probably what she needs but by the time you've worked out she is still hungry, warmed another bottle etc she's either gone too far into the screaming session to feed, or she gulps and guzzles and gets wind which then makes the next hour hell. Might be worth doing bigger bottles but then if she wastes it by not finishing it's gutting as it's so hard to find the time to pump so I hate to throw the leftovers away 😬 also wary of s dummy in case it makes her awful latch even worse! I let her suck my little finger sometimes when she's clearly already had too much bottle (spitting/dribbling it out) but wants to suck still.

Would like to be downstairs more but our telly is directly under big girl's room and she's sleeping like shit again since baby arrived - so not ideal to sit underneath her with a shrieking baby!

@Marypoppinsbrolly

Could well be reflux related to CMPA the more I think about it - as I say with big girl she suffered right from the off so I wasn't sure, but today with all the projectile vomitting it's taking me back in my mind to those early days with her. Need to do a trial

I think two weeks is when the PURPLE crying kicks in. But if she's vomiting it sounds like something else is going on. Hang on in there it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, it will get easier.

Oops posted too soon! Need to do a trial. Given Ive been almost exclusively pumping my supply is brilliant (I'm lucky!) but the issue is finding the time to do it - should be pumping every three hours in theory, in practice today I pumped at 9AM then didn't get another chance until 5pm 😬 so I worry I'll lose the supply I have!

Are you being put under pressure to have sex? You’ve mentioned that a few times in your original post.

Do you have any family or friends around who could at least hold the baby for a while so you get to spend a bit of time with your older DD? Or just lie down alone in a dark room if that’s what you need most!

You poor thing. Going from one to two is hard - way harder than I expected at least. Thought I knew what I was doing then wham , a totally different child with their own ideas. I found my 3 babies were all hardest from 3-9 weeks when they're no longer sleepy newborns but can't yet really so much to just be happy solo and have colic etc etc. I used my sling a lot and DH helped with the screamy evenings. No real advice but just that you're doing great - be kind to yourself. It will pass in no time, even if right now it feels never ending.

He just can't stand babies.....?

Who is he, a baby himself? Dude needs to man up and help.

None of my babies had an intolerance but they all went through a rough patch ca 3-8 weeks. You haven't broken anything. Good luck!

The early months are just a rollercoaster and baby goes through phases of being angelic and being a royal pain the butt. My 6 month old was a dream last week so happy and content and giggly. This week he screams like a banshee if I leave his sight or if he is bored of our current activity (normally after 2 minutes). He will go back to being a dream again I'm sure. It's our job to carry on loving them when they are being unreasonable little monsters, they are learning and experiencing so much at once.

You're not alone, it's bloody hard - but your tiny baby needs you more than anything in the world right now, even if she isn't showing it - you can do this.

@N4ish

No pressure no... It's more that I know if I was offering sex he'd spend time with me for that, and once I've had my 6 week check he'll be keen for us to re-establish regular sex, but for now as I'm "out of commission" he just can't be arsed to sit and chat with me. I just feel so unloved by him at the moment and I know part of that is me projecting because I know he doesn't love the baby yet and that feels like a rejection of me too as we are a package at the moment. He never hugs me, kisses me, squeezes my shoulder even - because right now it's not going to lead to sex so not "worth it" I guess.

I honestly think this vote is split as

YABU - to judge yourself or blame yourself
YANBU - to feel this way and to be struggling.

Genuinely I think that’s how people have voted.

It is such, such early days. Lots of babies inexplicably cry a lot in the first weeks. My first baby was a chubby, content little dream baby. My second cried almost all the time for weeks and weeks. It’s them, not you! I promise. It did make me miserable for a while. I’d see her little face screwing up again and think no, why are you crying AGAIN? It just felt like she was miserable all the time.

It gradually got better. And the irony is that my content baby is now my tempestuous high-maintenance child and my constantly crying baby is the happiest, funniest, most positive little thing I’ve ever known. She’s a pure ray of sunshine.

It will get better, sooner than you think. Chin up, you’re doing wonderfully.

I'm in awe that you're up for sex twice a week 4 weeks after giving birth.
I agree about staying downstairs longer.
I used to bf on and off until about 10pm in front of the tv.
Ds had a dummy because he liked to suck.

Hopefully your baby will settle but your dh needs to step up a bit.
My dh walked round for hours with ds on his shoulder when ds had colic.

It sounds like reflux op, and that isn't necessarily due to anything other than, well, shitty luck. Big one was a vomitter. Twins were / are silent refluxers. All had / have omeprazole and gaviscon.
Have you told the doc?

Ps you didn't break your babies, you made beautiful babies. They're just needy

Your husband is an arsehole.

You are on your knees and he’s behaving like that? He agreed to have another baby - he needs to deal like a parent and not a petulant child.

My second was a sicky crier and I nearly killed me OP - I understand - I really do. But you will not be able to cope without proper practical support.

You should be able to trust your partner to look after your baby kindly whilst you rest. His behaviour is abhorrent.

In terms of the baby’s symptoms - possible lactose intolerance? Try some coilef perhaps? Assuming you’ve tried baby gaviscon for reflux? Have you taken her to the doctor?

I’m going against the grain with the ‘babies cry’ mantra - in my experience babies cry when something is wrong - could be simple as being tired to being very unwell but it’s not ‘nothing’. Once we sorted the reflux it was transforming.

I think you should see the doctor and be very insistent. Do you have a parent who could come and stay? My MIL would’ve been over in a heartbeat if I needed help.

I really feel for you OP - it’s a very hard time I know.

@Lochmorlich

It makes me so sad when I read about people with other halves like that. I know I chose him, and in this instance I already knew what he was like with babies so I truly have made my bed, but I wish things were different. I wish he had my back. I wish I hadn't had to decide between having his support and having my children.

You are being a comfort to baby even if she still cries.

Get do to step up with everything else apart from baby. Work to your strengths.

Dp not do

Jesus - just read your most recent post.

Your husband/partner is an ARSEHOLE - you’re not projecting - you are reading his behaviour completely accurately. He’s a complete shit. I’m getting so angry thinking about you suffering like this with your small baby and him not interested until you are sex-ready again. It’s abhorrent.

Babies and puppies look cute but babies cry and puke a lot (mine did) and puppies bite a lot. Both better when older! My dc are 9 and 13 and this is my favourite age so far. Some mums live there dependence of a baby/toddler whereas I like the independence of older dc I can ask to make me a morning coffee and have a conversation with. It’ll get better op!

He does step up with EVERYTHING else though. He's doing great with bit girl, stays on top of housework, laundry, cooking. He just can't be doing with the baby. Or me, really, because I come with the baby. He's not an arsehole really... I sometimes feel like he's wandered into completely the wrong life for him - wrong woman, wrong family, wrong lifestyle - and he's miserable as fuck but trying to make the best of it. He works really hard, he's not one of these shitty men who spend their life on their own amusements while the wife works herself into the ground. I just wish we were on the same page.

I was lucky op. My dh absolutely loved ours when they were babies.
It's difficult if your baby won't settle but its probably a blip. Is she vomiting very much?
My ds was always more sick than dd.
Have you got your dm or mil you can bubble with to help you if dh wont?
It's so difficult with jolly covid.

Being a good partner is being there when it’s NOT easy.

I hope the scales fall from your eyes one day.

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@Lochmorlich

It makes me so sad when I read about people with other halves like that. I know I chose him, and in this instance I already knew what he was like with babies so I truly have made my bed, but I wish things were different. I wish he had my back. I wish I hadn't had to decide between having his support and having my children.[/quote]
I'm so sorry but he's doing the bare minimum. Bouncing baby on his knee for a bit then giving up is pathetic. Especially when you are run ragged and sitting there blaming yourself despite the fact that you are clearly trying your hardest. Why are you the primary caregiver of your children when two people took responsibility for them? Why does he think he can just get away with expressing distain for children? I don't know you or him but your account is so concerning. Could you see if the health visitor can come round so you can chat with her? Also it might be worth looking into post-natal support services in your area and potentially relate counselling for you and DH.

No, he’s an arsehole. We can see it because we don’t live with him.

You have a tiny baby, it’s super hard. It’s not anything you’ve done. If he can’t step up and help, he needs to step back and make space for someone who can, like your mum, sister... or second husband.