To think I break babies?

[Draineddraineddrained]

First daughter was a total nightmare baby - non-sleeping, trouble breastfeeding, always crying (almost everything attributable to CMPA as it eventually turned out). Second daughter will be a month old tomorrow and was a total angel for about 2 weeks - since then has been getting more and more crabby and spending more and more time crying and less and less time asleep - just spent from 6-9 pm dealing with her screaming, puking and crying non-stop. I'm in the spare room with her at the moment and DP came up after putting out eldest to bed, did his duty sit for 5 mins while I got a cuppa and a wee then couldn't escape fast enough. I feel so lonely and like I'm somehow to blame - she was alright when I got her!

Is it something I do that makes my babies so fucking miserable? I honestly feel guilty for having her right now. My partner hates it is(I knew he hates the baby bit but was hoping things would be different this time round with all we've learned), my big girl is a mess of emotions and not getting the best from either me or DP, and even the baby seems like she'd be better off not existing at the moment - she only wakes up to cry anyway. She must think life is utter rubbish at the moment, after spending the day with a stropping, shouting 4yo and a tearful, snappy mother who can't take her pain away. I feel like my partner doesn't want to know, not just re baby but me as well. I think bluntly if I climb into bed twice a week or so and give him an orgasm he honestly would prefer it if he didn't see me or baby any other time. And I'm just gutted that I seem incapable of producing a normal, content baby my partner can stand to spend time with 😭

Hi OP
I've had two babies with CMPA, DC2 is 6 months old now and it was really hard in the beginning, even though my DH is supportive. I definitely identify with what you said about feeling gutted about having the same/similar issues second time around, I'd been so hoping for an easier one! However, it is easier because you already know about CMPA this time. I'm surprised you've waited a month before cutting out dairy. It seems obvious to me (based on the fact DC1 had CMPA and on the symptoms you describe). Cut out dairy now, never mind the afternoon tea - if you really must eat it, don't have the cream or anything else high up the milk ladder (get a non-dairy alternative tomorrow). Remember that other things might also be an issue - soya is a common one.
If you're on Facebook there's a group "breastfeeding with CMPA and other allergies", there's lots of helpful advice and support.
Hopefully once you cut out dairy, baby will improve and you'll feel better. Hang on in there until then. Your partner sounds crap but in your shoes I wouldn't really have the mental/emotional energy for him right now - just focus on yourself and baby, and deal with him as best you can.
Oh and I also struggle(d) with feeling guilty about not having as much time or energy for DC1, it is hard! I keep reminding myself that on balance it is good for him to have a sibling even though the adjustment has been hard so far.

Its luck op. I had one that cried for a full year whatever I did. It was very hard. By her 1st birthday once she could walk and talk she was delightful and still is 8 years later. DS was a perfectly relaxed baby although we did nothing different but he was a very challenging toddler, nearly broke me a couple of times! Hang on in there shes only a few weeks old and you know itll get better at some point.

@Merryoldgoat

Being a good partner is being there when it’s NOT easy.

I hope the scales fall from your eyes one day.

Yeah, it’s a piece of piss when it’s all going well innit.

Given that she's drinking from a bottle now, how about trying her for a day with dairy free formula and freezing what you pump? If it works it'll save you trying the elimination and you can just go straight to no dairy on Monday, knowing that it'll work.

Of course breast is ideal but if it gets you a happier baby one day of formula seems like a reasonable trade off.

@Lochmorlich

Sadly my mum died almost 3 years ago now - and God love her she wouldn't have been a lot of help even if, she was also very much of the school of thought that babies cry because they cry and it will strengthen their lungs so let them get on with it!

MIL came down a few days after birth and stayed for a week - INCREDIBLY helpful although it did seem to throw my eldest off even more, her behaviour got a lot better once Granny went home. She's so lovely and offered to come back in the Easter break to help out, but she's over 5 hours away so I don't like to take her up on it. I have a wonderful friend who has been supporting me as much as she can by popping round in the afternoon sometimes to play with big girl (she's our under one bubble). So that's been amazing although I do sometimes feel like I'm failing dry publicly if baby screams the whole time friend is here.

You’ve done nothing wrong. My first baby was hard work, I put it down to being a first time mum and unprepared for a demanding baby. I had a 7 year gap before having another! child 2 cried from the second she was born and never stopped unless she was feeding, it was exhausting. I literally never put her down as she cried as soon as I did. Number 3 thankfully was a dream as he came along just over a year later! I was absolutely dreading him being the same!

@ThatLibraryMiss that's a brilliant idea thank you

It’s not you, it’s babies. They are all awful in their own way but going from 1-2 kids is harder than 0-1 kids. It does get easier but is awful for a few weeks. You’re most definitely a lovely mum because you are worried about it. It honestly gets easier and it won’t take too long.

He does step up with EVERYTHING else though. He's doing great with bit girl, stays on top of housework, laundry, cooking.

That isn't 'stepping up'. That's bare minimum being an adult/parent.

He just can't be doing with the baby. Or me, really, because I come with the baby. He's not an arsehole really...

He's certainly behaving like one.

I sometimes feel like he's wandered into completely the wrong life for him - wrong woman, wrong family, wrong lifestyle - and he's miserable as fuck but trying to make the best of it.

You shouldn't be worrying about him, psychoanalysing him, pitying him, because he's acting like a petulant tit and making your life even harder than it is already.

4-week-old babies are not fun. They are hard work. There is nothing unique or special about him that he finds newborn babies unrewarding and exhausting.

I'm sorry you have to deal with a crappy partner as well as a difficult baby.

Please take the help that is offered and let MIL come!

I meant to respond to this in my earlier post and forgot:
"We've had a bad start with bf - she was a v sleepy baby and wouldnt latch at all the first week so is still mostly on EBM while we work on improving her technique and my comfort!"
Have you sought any specialist help with the breastfeeding? Has baby been properly assessed for tongue tie by someone trained to do so (most midwives, HVs etc are not)? If no, I strongly advise you to ask HV to refer you to the infant feeding team, and if you can afford it, consider seeing a private lactation consultant or tongue tie practitioner. If it is tongue tie that can cause a lot of issues and if it's not then at least you've ruled it out.

Kudos to you for expressing but I do think it's the worst of both worlds! So I agree with LibraryMiss that perhaps you could consider hypoallergenic formula in the short and maybe even longer term. I am very pro breastfeeding but if you can't face going dairy free again it is something to consider.

Hugs, you are doing a brilliant job caring for your kids.

I have a 5 and a 1 year old both with CMPA (also intolerant to egg and soya aswell as milk). The presentation of them both was different, it could well be CMPA with your bany- it runs on families.

For feeding if you want to breastfeed, look up paced bottle feeding. I think you can regive ebm back up to 1-2 hours after first drank of bottle not finished (check this yourself though, but I used to do this). I also had a baby who wouldn't latch and pumped exclusively when first born, they learnt to latch and fed until 2.5yrs. I would recommend seeing a lactation consultant for latch help. Someone told me as their mouths get bigger it gets easier for them to latch/feed. Skin to skin for 3days solid helped our latch. Do you have a double pump (can hire from some children's centres via health visitor/midwife). Also there are things you can do to make expressing more efficient- lile breast compressions, power pumping. Let me know of you want links. Also hands free expressing with hair bobbles helped. Lots of info on the kellymom website. I think it's GP prescription for dairy free formula if you need it- may be worth getting some of you are worried re supply so not a desperate rush/difficult later???

I have similar age gap to you- lots of walks helped me stay connected with eldest- games whilst walking, and kept the baby happier.

4 weeks is one of the hard new baby times- hugs.

Also agree with others- getting more support from your husband would be good aswell.

Can you watch a tablet/laptop in a different room in the evening if you can't watch TV?

Some kind of reward system/sleep fairy with your eldest to help her behaviour?

Just wanted to give you a hug because (apart from your DH problem) I felt like that five years ago.

I found the absolutely best thing about having a second is that you know that no stage lasts forever (//looks across at five year old who has snuck into our bed again//) and that it’s ok to not enjoy some of those stages.

I have a similar age gap and genuinely thought I’d ruined my four year old’s life. They’re now best friends.

Your DH is not helpful though but you know that

You lot are so lovely x

To those asking rr bf support I have had a lot of help - saw infant feeding team with a qualified TTP and they said she does have a tie but it's not severely affecting her function so it wouldn't be divided on NHS (only done by ENT consultants where I live and apparently the threshold is very high). I could get it done private and not bothered re cost but my first DD had s borderline TT and we had it divided (twice!) And it made no difference to her latch issues. I'm reluctant to hurt baby only for it to have no impact as I know if we just wait and persist it will more than likely improve on its own as she gets bigger.

I'm an ABM mother supporter myself so I know my stuff re positioning and attachment, skin to skin etc etc and have been doing what I csn. Borrowed a great double pump from s friend. Paced feeding... I'm really trying to cover all bases on terms of getting her to the breast. I had to give her some formula in week one and actually found it worse than pumping because the prep is such a faff if you actually follow the pack instructions and make it fresh each time - I know people don't really do this but I can't find any reputable/evidence based sources endprsing of any of the "short cuts" that people have suggested to me like making bottles in advance then warming them up etc. So I wouldn't be confident to do that, and can't imagine having to plan half an hour in advance of every feed to boil the fresh kettle etc. I mean how do people go out? So I really don't want to go to formula or I'll be having to either stay home all the time to be able to prep formula safely or spend a ruddy fortune on the preprepared stuff.

he'll stick her in her Moses basket and ignore her
This is awful. She’s so tiny she literally doesn’t know she’s born yet
Infacol saved my life. I had the sweetest calmest easiest baby in the world (because of my superior mothering obviously 🙄) then we got colicky. He was on infacol from about 6 weeks until weaning. Tried to ease him off a few times but the screaming roared back so infacol it was. I called it his pudding as the orange flavour must be very exciting when all you know is milk! Might be worth a try?
A partner that can’t be bothered to show you proper respect or general affection shouldn’t be getting sex just to keep him off your back. This is also awful. For the sake of your own self worth, please only have sex when you actually want it.
A screaming baby who uses you as a pillow and a partner who uses you for sex is not a good combo for your mental health. You deserve better. Everyone does. At least the baby can’t help it and will grow out of it.

Why not accept mil's help. She would probably enjoy Easter with you.
My dgs is 9 soon and because of covid I can't see him on his birthday for the 2nd year running, different countries.
I would happily travel 5 or 10 hours to get to see him and my ds and ddil.

Hello, I had lots of issues bf number 1, small baby, oversupply, tongue tie, and then a lot of screaming and puking got me to the Gp asking for help.

He was a twat but did test his urine and it turned out he had a water infection. By the time we got the results back he was very sleepy and dozy. No temperature. It later transpired he had a bladder reflux issues and so was going to be prone to infections.

Sleep didn't really improve much as he was low birth weight and constantly trying to put on weight, tongue tie cut did help with the feeding and reflux. I couldn't feed without lying down took he was 3 months.

I'd speak to the Gp to rule out any illness or infection.

Your Dh is being the arse.

I fed eldest till 3.5, youngest is 2.5.

Both are v gulpy and burpy; laid back positions are the best. Second laid across my tummy/ chest and fed while sort of on his tummy which really helped.

With something to press their feet on to help them position, eg your leg

Ive got a 5 week old and weeks 2-4 sucked for different reasons to weeks 1-2, he went from a needy but sleepy baby to a needy and screamy baby. He’s been on gaviscon for the last week and my god he’s better for it, starting to sleep better and I can put him down and he’ll amuse himself for a few minutes while I make a much needed cuppa (when DP is at work, tea is his job otherwise!). I’d definitely speak to your GP as your little one sounds similar to mine with reflux.
Regarding your partner could it be worth a different approach and perhaps suggesting that you’ll continue to deal with settling her but in return he must take her out in the pram for half an hour a day? Or he does bath time? Basically saying cut your losses with the tasks you know he’s rubbish at but in return you need some you time. Babies sleep most the time in the pram anyway so he can’t complain at that.

I agree with the posters suggesting trying dairy free formula. If CMPA is something that could be hereditary then it's likely DD2 may have it. I don't understand why you would choose to continue breastfeeding when you know there's a possibility it might be causing DD pain. You say that if you have to prep bottles you're not going to be able to go out and about - but surely you can't really go out if the baby is crying anyway? I bottle fed and was out and about every day. I think breast feeding looks like much more effort. I'm not trying to say women shouldn't breast feed as I'm sure it's the ideal. But only if it's not causing digestion issues. Surely the effort of making bottles is a small inconvenience compared to a baby in pain and unable to digest breast milk? You also mention cost. Again surely the cost is worth it to have a happy baby? You can probably get special milk on prescription anyway if that's what you're worried about.

Also your DP won't be able to settle baby if she's hungry & you're breastfeeding. He can only really do that if he can feed.

He does sound like a knob expecting sex so soon on after the baby. Also how can he think about that when he can hear a baby crying?

Sorry I haven't had time to read the full thread due to my own stroppy 4yo and baby
It is normal for babies to start to cry more after 2 weeks, it usually peaks around 6 weeks then starts getting better. It's normally worse in the evenings.
It will get better.
Your partner sounds selfish though.

Please get the tongue tie divided, it can make a huge difference for some babies.

DC1 had tongue tie and division made all the difference.

DC2 was borderline and we decided not to do it, the tongue tie specialist advised that division might not make a difference.

So I don't think division is right in every case but could well be helpful this time.

I didn't think it hurt them at this age or if it does hurt it's only very brief discomfort. The benefits far outweigh that if they are then able to latch and breastfeed effectively.

No idea whereabouts you are but if you're in the East of England, Sarah Oakley is excellent. She has lots of useful info on her website that's worth looking at even if you're not local enough to see her. sarahoakleylactation.co.uk/tongue-tie-assessment-and-division-services/

he struggled hard with DD1 and it nearly broke us up as I hated the parent he was to her as a baby

he just can't stand babies

I’ve not read all of the thread but....what? He hates his own children as babies? No wonder you’re struggling with low mood.

You sound exhausted op. It doesn't sound like you have much support at home.
Reach out to your gp and local perinatal team for some mental health support and maybe a referral to check baby for allergies. Speak to your health visitor too.

Can I suggest you try really hard to get into a good routine with BF and sleep? Maybe not quite yet but if you are struggling this could help. With my first I didn't know if a cry meant hungry, tired, etc, I found it really helpful to have an idea of how long babies generally are awake at this age and then to have feeds and naps planned and stuck too. Of course with BF there are times they will need some more more feeds but you will be in a better position to know when these are if your other bases are covered, ie. baby isn't tired and other needs all met. Your husband may also find this useful to know what baby is needing instead of the guess work or "parent's just know what their child need naturally" Well I'm not sure they do, I found it impossible to distinguish a hungry cry or a tired cry at a young age, a routine real helped us, baby was happy too! Good luck.