To think I break babies?

[Draineddraineddrained]

First daughter was a total nightmare baby - non-sleeping, trouble breastfeeding, always crying (almost everything attributable to CMPA as it eventually turned out). Second daughter will be a month old tomorrow and was a total angel for about 2 weeks - since then has been getting more and more crabby and spending more and more time crying and less and less time asleep - just spent from 6-9 pm dealing with her screaming, puking and crying non-stop. I'm in the spare room with her at the moment and DP came up after putting out eldest to bed, did his duty sit for 5 mins while I got a cuppa and a wee then couldn't escape fast enough. I feel so lonely and like I'm somehow to blame - she was alright when I got her!

Is it something I do that makes my babies so fucking miserable? I honestly feel guilty for having her right now. My partner hates it is(I knew he hates the baby bit but was hoping things would be different this time round with all we've learned), my big girl is a mess of emotions and not getting the best from either me or DP, and even the baby seems like she'd be better off not existing at the moment - she only wakes up to cry anyway. She must think life is utter rubbish at the moment, after spending the day with a stropping, shouting 4yo and a tearful, snappy mother who can't take her pain away. I feel like my partner doesn't want to know, not just re baby but me as well. I think bluntly if I climb into bed twice a week or so and give him an orgasm he honestly would prefer it if he didn't see me or baby any other time. And I'm just gutted that I seem incapable of producing a normal, content baby my partner can stand to spend time with 😭

@converseandjeans

So many people have come on here and been kind and supportive. No idea why you want to come along and imply I'm a shit mum who doesn't care about my baby's pain but hey ho there's always one. I'm not saying I'd keep bf if it's causing her pain - of its CMPA I'll suck it up and go dairy free, as I did for over two years for my older child. I'm not some crazy evangelist who would bf at the expense of my child's wellbeing. She's already had formula because she wasn't getting enough colostrum from me until I got a pump, and I wouldn't see her go hungry - obviously. Nor would I choose to let her suffer to save myself a few bob. I'm just exploring all potential causes as lots of babies scream a lot (as many have said theirs did on here).

Seriously some people are so anti bf they'll kick someone when they're down just to make a point.

@Draineddraineddrained have you spoken to the GP about possible reflux?

I agree with the posters suggesting trying dairy free formula. If CMPA is something that could be hereditary then it's likely DD2 may have it. I don't understand why you would choose to continue breastfeeding when you know there's a possibility it might be causing DD pain. You say that if you have to prep bottles you're not going to be able to go out and about - but surely you can't really go out if the baby is crying anyway? I bottle fed and was out and about every day. I think breast feeding looks like much more effort. I'm not trying to say women shouldn't breast feed as I'm sure it's the ideal. But only if it's not causing digestion issues. Surely the effort of making bottles is a small inconvenience compared to a baby in pain and unable to digest breast milk? You also mention cost. Again surely the cost is worth it to have a happy baby? You can probably get special milk on prescription anyway if that's what you're worried about.

There's no need for dairy free formula instead of breastfeeding, if op thinks it's cmpa then she can stop eating dairy.

I've bottle fed and breastfed and breastfeeding is not more effort except in the very early days, after that it becomes much easier than bottle feeding.

@Draineddraineddrained ignore posters who don't understand the first thing about breastfeeding.

Definitely get tongue tie snipped ASAP. Ds2 had tt, I paid to have it done privately rather than wait for nhs and it was well worth it.
Ds1 cried a lot from 2 weeks to around 6 weeks for between 2-4 hours every evening. It was awful at the time but can be completely normal and isnt always a sign something is wrong. Look up purple crying.

You are doing an amazing job breast feeding you baby, it can be hard at first but hopefully it will improve, ignore those who want to force formula on you, your body will produce milk and your baby will thrive! Good luck! Can you ask your DH to at least give you some kind words of support through this, it wouldn't cost him much, he shouldn't need asked but maybe if you make it clear that just a little hug and a "You've got this" could help make you feel appreciated. x

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@N4ish

No pressure no... It's more that I know if I was offering sex he'd spend time with me for that, and once I've had my 6 week check he'll be keen for us to re-establish regular sex, but for now as I'm "out of commission" he just can't be arsed to sit and chat with me. I just feel so unloved by him at the moment and I know part of that is me projecting because I know he doesn't love the baby yet and that feels like a rejection of me too as we are a package at the moment. He never hugs me, kisses me, squeezes my shoulder even - because right now it's not going to lead to sex so not "worth it" I guess.[/quote]
Only on page 2 so far so I might have cross posted but he honestly does not deserve you or the children. My blood is boiling for you.

You are doing so well despite feeling otherwise. You're a strong woman OP and your girls are fortunate to have you.

I voted YABU because you have not broken anything.

My mum gave me a tip on how to calm a colicky baby, put the baby tummy down on your knees and gently rock your knees and rub babies back at same time, it worked with my 2

@Savethewhales yes, face down does help a bit. I used to lay ds1 over my forearm face down.

converseandjeans what a horrendously unsupportive and unhelpful post.

OP, if you're an ABM mother supporter, do you have a supervisor within the ABM you could chat to? If not maybe give the ABM line a buzz yourself (or the NCT line if you'd rather)? There's a lot more going on here with feeding than I realised when I posted yesterday and I think talking things through with a breastfeeding counsellor would be really beneficial for you, they are so wonderful and supportive not just at helping with feeding concerns but also with all the worries of parenthood.

The suggestion to try dairy free formula for a day or two was well meant but it takes time to get dairy out of the system so it might not have the hoped for effects.

OP sounds bloody awful and your doing amazing. Get mil back asap. On dummy front I found old cherry shape dummies didnt affect latch and babies soon realised difference between opening wide for a boob and having their dummy.

Thank you all for being so kind and all the advice. Will try dairy free for a couple of weeks then if no joy will ask about reflux at the 6 week check. Will also ask if I can go back on my anti depressants as I came off to get pregnant and I think I need them still. Re partner nothing much to be done about him I fear. But when I'm on my meds I can handle it better

Sertraline is safe to take when breastfeeding, I'm on it

TT can cause reflux btw

@NameChange30

I was on citalopram before. I know it's not as preferred when bf but I got on SO well with it - bit scared to switch to sertraline in case I have side effects or it makes me worse, even temporarily. Will ask the GP about it.

@onlythewildones

This was my mistake with DD1 actually - dropped dairy for a week when she was newborn, didn't see an improvement so ruled out CMPA - only revisited the possibility months of struggle later when she was already on solids, and the transformation in her when we cut it out was SO pronounced. So this time I'll give it a proper go, 2 weeks minimum, so I'm sure whichever way it goes.

I could have written much of what you have (barring the DH stuff). I was also convinced I break babies after two very crabby, screamy, pukey newborns. I was sure things couldn't be any harder with DD2 than they had been with DD1... boy was I wrong! I suspect CMPA for both of them but DD2 is in addition to that an even more feisty character than her big sister.

it was a dark time, DD1 was less than 2 when DD2 was born and between them both it was FULL ON. I was covered in baby sick most days, sleep deprived to hell and back, and most days involved a stereo screaming session or several.

but... Now it's lovely, genuinely. They love each other, and play so well together. They fight and squabble too, but the bond between them is precious and grows every day. They get so much from each other just being around, and those early hellish months are so worth it. Hang in there!

Both of my kids where Angel's for the first 3 weeks. Basically slept all the time.
Then from about 3 weeks grumpy crying and feeding issues

Personally I thi k babies are very tired for the first couple of weeks and then a lot more alert after that .
So more likely to be unsettled. Both a lot better from when they started becoming.more mobile.
Second one was a little more relaxed. First one was a nightmare until she started nursery.

CMPA can appear at any point. DD was fine for about 3 months then it became a problem.

Babies gonna baby.

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@onlythewildones

This was my mistake with DD1 actually - dropped dairy for a week when she was newborn, didn't see an improvement so ruled out CMPA - only revisited the possibility months of struggle later when she was already on solids, and the transformation in her when we cut it out was SO pronounced. So this time I'll give it a proper go, 2 weeks minimum, so I'm sure whichever way it goes.[/quote]
Two weeks is not enough. You have to give it six weeks when breastfeeding (the cow's milk proteins take up to 3 weeks to leave your system and another 3 to leave baby's system). You should hopefully see improvements more quickly but it can take that long.

Some useful links for you
www.allergyuk.org/information-and-advice/conditions-and-symptoms/469-cows-milk-allergy
dilanandme.com/confirm-cmpa/

As I said in my first post, the Facebook group is helpful too.

I'm not bashing breast feeding. I know it's the best start in life for a baby. Honestly I think if it's working then it's obviously the best plan.

But I don't comprehend the reluctance to try switching when it's entirety possible the baby is allergic to cows milk.

The previous poster is saying it's 6 weeks before cows milk is out of your system. You're suggesting 2 weeks.

It makes no sense to me that you would continue with breastfeeding when the problem could be sorted sooner by offering alternative food.

Would it be acceptable to feed say an 8 year old or a teenager food every meal that you knew would cause discomfort and vomiting? Probably not 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't just 'try' though, once you switch it's almost impossible to start breastfeeding again. It takes time for it to get out of the babies system too so switching to formula won't necessarily fix it sooner than eliminating it from your diet.
Breastfeeding is so much healthier than formula feeding that it's still far preferable to stick with it if the mum wants / is able to.
Did you know that experts say that a breastfed baby of a smoker is still healthier than a formula fed baby of a smoker - even though nicotine does pass into breastmilk. Just an example to try to illustrate that it's not just best to switch to formula for a small hiccup.
At 4 weeks old there is a host of reasons (and sometimes no reason) that babies cry a lot and only one of them is cmpa

Le Leche league suggests it's up to 21 days for cows milk protein to leave your system.

The thing is, breast milk actually helps baby's gut to heal, so it's still beneficial to keep breastfeeding, even if it takes a while for the cow's milk protein to completely clear up.

Also, the OP is expressing, so she could theoretically give hypoallergenic formula for 3 weeks, and then give expressed milk again.

Lastly, the hypoallergenic formulas are not always a magic solution - partially hydrolysed formulas still have the proteins (just broken down) and some babies still react to them. The fully hydrolysed formulas such as Neocate smell and taste horrid; obviously baby will get used to it but it can be tricky to introduce. Also Neocate is made from coconut I believe and some babies even react to that.

Haven't RTFT but my DS has severe cmpa and an IGE (anaphylactic) dairy allergy and it took weeks for signs signs to initially show. Only improved when I removed dairy for a full 6 weeks.