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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not buying her a new ipad

79 replies

IssyKS · 12/03/2021 14:36

DS11 threw a massive strop and smashed her ipad in temper. She is clumsy and has gone through a few ipads and phones but this was intentional. She only got it at Christmas so it's still pretty new. Damaged beyond repair. I didn't think she had the strength tbh.

I don't feel she should be rewarded with a new one but I'm conscious that's the only way kids have to stay in touch socially so it feels like a big punishment.
She doesn't really respect things so I'm thinking this may be a good learning opportunity and she could do some little jobs around the house to earn some money towards a secoond hand one. That still may take weeks though.

Any ideas on how you would deal with would be most welcome

thanks

OP posts:
Mylovelyhorsee · 12/03/2021 14:39

No way should you. She needs to learn, 11 is old enough to understand consequences.

TheGumption · 12/03/2021 14:39

I wouldn't be buying a new one at all. Not even if she did chores.
The natural consequence of her behaviour is that it's broken and she can no longer use it. I don't think doing a few chores makes up for violently smashing up an expensive gift.
I know all kids are different but I'd be letting her know 11 is way too old for that sort of nonsense as well. My 3 year old has moved beyond trashing possessions.
Don't cave in.

MyLittleOrangutan · 12/03/2021 14:41

God no. You'd just be teaching her not to respect anything or you. She broke something, she can buy it. I think I'd show her the going rate for jobs she can do. So if you can get a cleaner in for 15 quid an hour she can work at that rate. How much does it cost to get a bag of laundry washed and ironed. Car cleaning. So she understand the value of things. You've worked hours and hours to buy her that, she needs to understand that these things don't just fall off trees.

FadedRed · 12/03/2021 14:43

No there would be no replacement for some time and then it would come from ‘her money’ (a birthday/Christmas present or similar). She also needs some help with her temper and how to manage it without breaking things.

Aria2015 · 12/03/2021 14:43

I don't think you should replace it given it was done intentionally. She really needs to learn that there are consequences and in this instance, they are being without an iPad and not being able to engage online with friends. It's not nice for her, but there in lies the lesson.

User0ne · 12/03/2021 14:44

A few chores? If she was working at 16 on NMW it'd take her 80hours to earn enough to buy another one.

Time for her to learn a bit about value, time and money I think.

britespark1 · 12/03/2021 14:44

There is absolutely no way I would buy any of my children a new one if they had done this.

carnations23 · 12/03/2021 14:45

Not a chance I would replace it!

BonnesVacances · 12/03/2021 14:46

She needs to use her birthday money or do some chores to pay for the screen to be replaced. Otherwise she will never learn about consequences.

GladAllOver · 12/03/2021 14:47

Absolutely no question at all.
She chose to put it out of use, and must now do without it.
But he does need help with anger.

LaceyBetty · 12/03/2021 14:47

Absolutely would not buy a new one in this case.

GladAllOver · 12/03/2021 14:48

#she

legalseagull · 12/03/2021 14:48

No way! She broke it. It was her choice. She's not a toddler. I'll let her use the home computer/laptop to speak to friends but no way would I reward her with a new iPad or make her do chores. She'd wait until her next birthday or Christmas

AlexaShutUp · 12/03/2021 14:50

No, I wouldn't replace it. I don't believe in punishing children, but they do need to learn that actions have consequences.

At 11, she is old enough to understand that, if you smash something in a fit of rage, it probably won't work any more. She needs to learn to control her temper and respect her possessions.

HaNNaHC92 · 12/03/2021 14:51

Absolutely not. She'll never learn to respect you or the things you spend your hard earned money on. If she wants one that bad she'll have to earn the money herself and enter the real world.

TeapotCollection · 12/03/2021 14:52

Not a chance would I get her another, not even if she does extra jobs

Original poster
IssyKS · 12/03/2021 14:56

Thanks everyone. I feel better now. A colleague thought I was being unfair preventing her from online socialising.
She definitely needs help with her anger. It was totally out of proportion to the incident. She has trouble self regulating on occasion. She'd been doing really well recently but this was a major lapse.

OP posts:
AGurneyAunt · 12/03/2021 14:57

That's quite unusual behaviour for an 11 yr old. And you say it's not the first iPad she has broken? Tbh she sounds either spoilt, or like she has some sort of impulse control issues that need investigating.

My 10 yr old (who is autistic, dyspraxic, and possibly has ADHD) has a tablet and would never dare throw it. He treats it carefully, because he knows that if he threw it and it broke, I wouldn't be replacing it. Obviously many children with disabilities cannot make that cognitive connection and so need their tablet to be in a case that protects it from damage, and will need understanding and a replacement should it break. DS does understand that and so that's the rule in the house. But you don't mention disability Confused

LeroyJenkinssss · 12/03/2021 14:59

Woah no. My ds is 10 and I wouldn’t tolerate that. And I would be extremely hesitant to replace it even at Christmas unless she changed her attitude. That’s appalling behaviour! Has she since shown (immense) remorse?

Crappyfridays7 · 12/03/2021 15:00

She prevented herself from online socialising really didn’t she. Unfortunately at the time she didn’t think of the consequences and no way would I be able to afford another iPad just because. My 2 boys (9&11) have one each but it’s currently looked after and if they are rough with them they are removed.
Prob for you it’s going to be rough with the complaining and whining but stay strong and perhaps she’ll learn the hard way how to care for her belongings

Original poster
IssyKS · 12/03/2021 15:01

I should maybe explain, she was adopted at 6 and does struggle to respect items and control impulses. Maybe thats another reason I'm feeling a bit bad about the fact she has messed things up for herself.

She is definitely not spoiled. We don't buy her lots and lots of things. The other devices that have met a sticky end have all been old ones of ours or grans.

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 12/03/2021 15:05

@IssyKS

I should maybe explain, she was adopted at 6 and does struggle to respect items and control impulses. Maybe thats another reason I'm feeling a bit bad about the fact she has messed things up for herself.

She is definitely not spoiled. We don't buy her lots and lots of things. The other devices that have met a sticky end have all been old ones of ours or grans.

The adoption is very relevant and I perhaps wouldn’t punish in the same way I would normally. What outside help are you getting?
user1493413286 · 12/03/2021 15:06

I wouldn’t buy another iPad; I’d probably get her something to be able to communicate with friends in a couple of weeks (a very basic phone or tablet) if she doesn’t already have a phone.
The fact that she was adopted at 6 puts a different slant on it for me, not saying she should just get new things when she breaks them but as you say she’s still learning to control impulses

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2021 15:07

The adoption is very relevant and I perhaps wouldn’t punish in the same way I would normally.

This. I'd seek proper advice about her anger in the context of her adoption.

AlexaShutUp · 12/03/2021 15:09

The fact that she was adopted at 6 puts a different slant on it for me, not saying she should just get new things when she breaks them but as you say she’s still learning to control impulses

I agree, this does add a slightly different angle. Perhaps give her the opportunity to earn enough to buy a cheap second-hand replacement, OP, as you originally suggested.