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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not buying her a new ipad

79 replies

IssyKS · 12/03/2021 14:36

DS11 threw a massive strop and smashed her ipad in temper. She is clumsy and has gone through a few ipads and phones but this was intentional. She only got it at Christmas so it's still pretty new. Damaged beyond repair. I didn't think she had the strength tbh.

I don't feel she should be rewarded with a new one but I'm conscious that's the only way kids have to stay in touch socially so it feels like a big punishment.
She doesn't really respect things so I'm thinking this may be a good learning opportunity and she could do some little jobs around the house to earn some money towards a secoond hand one. That still may take weeks though.

Any ideas on how you would deal with would be most welcome

thanks

OP posts:

tentimesaday · 12/03/2021 20:16

Please don't think that her being adopted changes things and means you should give in to temper tantrums or buy her things that other children would not get. I have seen this happen so many times and it does not end happily. Nip it in the bud.

itsgettingwierd · 12/03/2021 20:24

I will not allow my ds to have an iPad or phone without the screen protector or the security case.

If she's prone to breaking things this should be the least you do.

I would talk to her about how she can earn money for buying a new one (realistic amount of time and chores and also that she must have a protective case.

NellietheNumpty · 12/03/2021 20:25

I think I would structure the discussion in a different way. Something like..
I can see you felt very angry when the iPad was smashed. That must have been really difficult for you. Would it help if you talked to me about that? I know a bit about this but would it be ok to talk to an expert and see if I can pick up tints on helping lovely children like you.
The iPad is not important finding s way forward together is important.

highlightsonlyplease · 12/03/2021 20:43

@IssyKS I would probably repost this thread in the adoption board - as you know - general advice isn't necessarily applicable in the case of adopted children.

WinterStrawbsAreLikeTurnip · 12/03/2021 20:46

If she really needs a tablet a £50 amazon fire does most of the things an iPad can only way slower and less pretty way. She can pay for that herself with pocket money?

year5teacher · 12/03/2021 20:57

I wouldn’t replace it because it’s not actually the kindest thing to do for her. It teaches her that actually she can get angry that things aren’t going her way, smash things, and then them replaced. It shows her that she is in control, and while children can crave this (especially children with a history of trauma or great upheaval)... it’s not what they need, or really want. It doesn’t make them feel safe. They need to know the adult is in control.

I would let her earn back a cheaper device, and I would also put it in one of those military grade cases. We have them for the iPads at work and they’re practically indestructible. They can be quite pricey, though, but cheaper than replacing another broken device.

Longdistance · 12/03/2021 21:00

No chance.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/03/2021 21:01

@User0ne

A few chores? If she was working at 16 on NMW it'd take her 80hours to earn enough to buy another one.

Time for her to learn a bit about value, time and money I think.

This^. Keep a time and chore record. Post the amount as she earns it. When she reaches her goal, then she can buy a replacement.

MuddleMoo · 12/03/2021 21:01

Could she "earn" a cheaper one? And not for a few weeks or so.

HOkieCOkie · 12/03/2021 21:03

Gosh no!! Make her save up her pocket money for a new one. Disgusting spoilt behaviour.

KarmaNoMore · 12/03/2021 21:03

No way a child of mine would be getting a new iPad after breaking the previous one during a tantrum.

... Actually, I wouldn’t buy another one even if it was an accident, not until they learn to care properly for expensive (on non expensive) stuff.

Christmasfairy2020 · 12/03/2021 21:10

Id get her a cheap tablet

AnExcellentWalker · 12/03/2021 21:15

I wouldn't replace it. If she or anyone else views it as a punishment, it's her that put it in place. Does she/they think you have endless money to keep replacing expensive tech items every time she loses her temper? She needs a constructive outlet for her emotions. Smashing up her stuff isn't it.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 12/03/2021 21:16

Like fuck would I. They have to learn that actions have consequences. It isn't even a punishment. Its a natural consequence. She smashed it up so now she doesn't have it anymore. She can save her pocket money and birthday/Xmas money if she wants a new one.

If she has anger problems then these should be addressed but you do her no favours by allowing it to be an excuse.

doitwithlove · 12/03/2021 21:18

No way would I replace it. I would also take away her mobile phone if she has one.

Dd needs to know you cannot be having a temper tantrum on these things.

SweetPetrichor · 12/03/2021 21:22

Not a chance. I would let her earn money through chores to buy a replacement - the Amazon fire tablets are decent and a lot cheaper. Pretty robust too.

RoseMartha · 12/03/2021 21:46

@IssyKS do you have a post adoption social worker assigned to your family?

StellaDendrite · 12/03/2021 21:51

@MrsTerryPratchett

The adoption is very relevant and I perhaps wouldn’t punish in the same way I would normally.

This. I'd seek proper advice about her anger in the context of her adoption.

I agree. Her being adopted at 6 is very relevent.

ZenNudist · 12/03/2021 21:54

Adoption or not you dont teach her that you break something you get a replacement no consequences. I'd leave it now until her next birthday or Christmas and I wouldn't trust her with another iPad for some time.

cansu · 12/03/2021 22:01

If she has problems regulating her emotions thatstemfrom theadoption that is quite different. I think on this case she should do chores to get a second hand replacement.

ClearMountain · 12/03/2021 22:05

I would have given a punishment on top of the punishment of having no iPad. That’s totally unacceptable behaviour.

hullabaloo19 · 12/03/2021 22:07

I agree she should use her own money to replace. My daughter is quite careless with her iPad and she broke the screen a few weeks ago because she left it on the floor and then accidentally stood on it. I feel bad for her because it was an accident, but she's been told so many times to be more careful with it and not leave it lying around etc. So we said she'd need to pay for fixing the screen out of her own money (though dp and I agreed that we'd also put some money towards it, but no more than half). If she'd done it on purpose I'd be furious and she'd definitely be paying for it all herself. Actions have consequences and it's an important lesson they need to learn.

AlexaShutUp · 12/03/2021 22:10

@ClearMountain, have you read the whole thread? The OP's dd was adopted at 6 and has resulting issues with controlling her emotions. An extra punishment seems harsh under these circumstances, no?

Blackberrycream · 12/03/2021 22:22

@tentimesaday

I agree. The kindest thing you can do is help her to understand the consequences of this behaviour and help her move towards managing her emotions better. Part of this does need to be a period of doing without. I would set a clear timeline. Maybe set up some kind of chores that work towards buying a cheap device within a shorter timeframe ( a month or two ). The thinking time would be the best thing you could give. Maybe find nice alternative activities to do together in the meantime. Help her to succeed without minimising her actions.

Caplin · 12/03/2021 22:24

Omg, my DD is 11 (and doesn’t have an iPad) and if she did this she wouldn’t ever get another without paying for it herself! She has only just been given a refurbished iPhone 6 and it is precious to her.

I think your DS11 needs to learn the value of things.

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