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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not buying her a new ipad

79 replies

IssyKS · 12/03/2021 14:36

DS11 threw a massive strop and smashed her ipad in temper. She is clumsy and has gone through a few ipads and phones but this was intentional. She only got it at Christmas so it's still pretty new. Damaged beyond repair. I didn't think she had the strength tbh.

I don't feel she should be rewarded with a new one but I'm conscious that's the only way kids have to stay in touch socially so it feels like a big punishment.
She doesn't really respect things so I'm thinking this may be a good learning opportunity and she could do some little jobs around the house to earn some money towards a secoond hand one. That still may take weeks though.

Any ideas on how you would deal with would be most welcome

thanks

OP posts:
loopyapp · 12/03/2021 15:10

Apple tech is crazy expensive. I would recommend a Kindle fire. £35 is much easier to replace when .. Things go wrong :)

RantyAnty · 12/03/2021 15:10

What was she angry about to smash it?

NormanStangerson · 12/03/2021 15:10

JFC no, do not replace it. She’s 11 and has already gone through several iPads and phones? Confused If they just get replaced each time with a new one, she’ll have absolutely no respect for anything as mummy and daddy just get her a shiny new one.

Sod her need to socialise online, this will make a good lesson that selfish, stupid and entitled actions have far reaching and horrid consequences. She’ll have no one to blame but herself. She’s 11 and old enough to know better.

NormanStangerson · 12/03/2021 15:11

Ok. Well that’ll teach me about not RTFT. But still, I stand by the tough love. She needs boundaries in place to help her. A chaotic world or one in which you’re used to getting what you want, is a scary world.

FireflyRainbow · 12/03/2021 15:13

Definately not a new one.

LeSquigh · 12/03/2021 15:13

Christ no, I wouldn’t, and I’m generally an easy touch with my kids for a quiet life 🤣. If she has to have a tablet for school work or similar get her a cheap Amazon one. Do not replace the iPad.

Original poster
IssyKS · 12/03/2021 15:13

I think that's why I was thinking she still needs to learn consequences and 'earn' or be put out in some way to get another one in a few weeks but how long do you leave it? She doesn't have a phone.
We have applied to the post adoption support fund to get help. We did this a few weeks ago but it takes a while.
Tbh, she has been doing really well mostly, but last night she was furious that something wasn't going her way.

OP posts:
FireflyRainbow · 12/03/2021 15:14

I'd make mine sell there stuff if they wanted a new iPad. Cheap as chips one of its needed for school or if not she doesn't get anything.

sqirrelfriends · 12/03/2021 15:18

I think the point you make about her adoption is very relevant. In this case I would probably encourage her to earn something cheaper (that still enables her to contact her friends) through chores.

cerseii · 12/03/2021 15:23

What? Definitely don’t buy a new iPad. The cycle will just continue

I wouldn’t even let her do chores to get a new one back.

Literally just get her any cheap phone so she can message her friends. There’s plenty of old iPhone with cracked screens 🤷🏼‍♀️ And if she doesn’t like the dodgy screen, she might in time think twice before damaging her tech

If you always replace her things, like for like, why would she stop? Hell, she’s possibly even doing it on purpose so you give her an upgrade

bookworm34 · 12/03/2021 15:24

No don't replace it until she settles down with her anger.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/03/2021 15:25

Maybe your colleague should buy her a new one if they feel that strongly about it.

Nice things need to be looked after.

Bluethrough · 12/03/2021 15:26

Tricky one purely because she adopted, i ve a friend in similar situation, she is very keen on positive reinforcements for discipline, some kids have had a terrible introduction to life.

i think i would get her another device but introduce strict limits, say only when you are present etc and or an hour a day and then as she earns trust, allow her more time on the device, perhaps make it very clear this will be the last one and show her an old nokia and tell her this is what she'll have in future.

HollowTalk · 12/03/2021 15:26

No way. She sounds too immature to be online actually in any case. She could get up to a lot mischief there.

Isn't it recommended that you treat her as younger than her actual age due to her trauma?

cerseii · 12/03/2021 15:32

The perfect device would be an iPod touch. No SIM card necessary/no phone calls if that’s what you’re concerned about. It’s cheap and less likely to get damaged

It’s recent enough that it can run most apps and do everything the iPad could, but slow enough that she’ll miss her brand new iPad and miss the larger screen.

Or get a cheap phone. Maybe consider the iPad in several months, don’t replace it until you feel like she is mature enough to treat it properly

bridgetreilly · 12/03/2021 15:37

I would say she can do chores to 'earn' enough for a cheap tablet in replacement. She'll never earn enough for an actual iPad, but also, I wouldn't be trusting her with an actual iPad at the moment. A year or two down the line, she might get one for Christmas again.

AGurneyAunt · 12/03/2021 18:36

Ah ok, if she's adopted then I would be much more lenient and understanding over impulse control issues!

I think I would say to her, you aren't replacing the iPad because they are very expensive, but that you know she needs a device for communicating with friends etc. Instead, you are prepared to buy her a kids fire tablet which is under £100 and comes with a 2 year no quibble replacement guarantee. It won't be as good/fast etc as an iPad, but that's the consequence of breaking the iPad!

So there's still some consequence, but not as drastic as no device.

AGurneyAunt · 12/03/2021 18:37

Oh and yes to screen time limits! Set some, and stick to them. I am guessing that she benefits from boundaries (most children do!) and will definitely benefit from reduced/limited screen time. She needs to learn that screens and devices are something to value.

RozHuntleysStump · 12/03/2021 18:47

My autistic son has had temper issues. He also has broken loads of iPads. The rule in this house is you have to make do with an Amazon fire thing till Christmas when the iPad will be replaced as a main present. He hasn’t done it since he had to use the Fire for months.

RandomMess · 12/03/2021 18:51

I would get a cheap replacement in a very good protective case it sounds like she may be many years off from being able to control her temper.

I think no longer having an iPad is her feeling the consequences of her actions. Have you an old phone she could use instead for the time being?

MatildaTheCat · 12/03/2021 19:06

I think you’ve got a complicated problem here as I’m sure you know. This is way more than a child smashing her iPad in a fit of temper.

Not valuing possessions is a clear sign of not valuing herself. I don’t know the exact right approach here but if she needs a device to stay in touch (and does she now school is open?) then a cheap replacement will do the job with an explanation that she’s not ready to take care of expensive tech.

I’m sure she feels full of shame and sadness that she has problems with her anger so this is a good time to look at enrolling her with specialist help from a post adoption centre if at all possible. I would frame it as being a positive thing to recognise when you need help.

All the best to you both, it sounds tough.

Hankunamatata · 12/03/2021 19:30

I have a thrower. You can claim under house insurance. We have an armour case on ours and john lewis gadget insurance.

deerspotting · 12/03/2021 20:02

Not valuing possessions is a clear sign of not valuing herself

This. Also I probably would have done something similar when younger. I didn't feel like I was worthy of anything nice or expensive, I destroyed things and threw them away etc and regretted it after calming down. I wasn't adopted so not the same but I had mental health problems, anxiety and low self esteem and tried to kill myself at 13 and spent the following year in a hospital

Givemeabreak88 · 12/03/2021 20:06

My daughter dropped her iPad and I bought her a new one (the screen cracked and it still worked, but she’s autistic and wouldn’t use it with the crack) but difference was it was an accident.

tentimesaday · 12/03/2021 20:14

Get her a cheap 'dumb' mobile phone she can use for texting, second hand of amazon or similar, job done. Ideally, make her contribute to the cost.

My daughter just got an iPad for the first time. She is 17.