To have another baby just so my baby has a sibling?

[Bluetoybox]

I have one amazing DD and I do utterly adore her but being completely honest, the actual act of being a parent, I can't say I've ever found that enjoyable and I find myself feeling happier the older DD gets and the more independence I'm getting back. She's only 1 but finally she's sleeping better, she's thriving at nursery, I'm back at work and feeling like my old self and I cherish the time I do have with her. We've always discussed that we would have at least 2 DC but really, I just don't know that I want to have another baby.
But having said that, I've always been a bit of an introvert and I don't have many friends, neither does DH and we both have very close relationships with our siblings. My DSis has been an absolute God send for keeping me sane this last year especially and I worry that by not having another baby, I'm depriving DD of that potential relationship.
I don't really want another baby but I do really want DD to have a sibling so how do you decide what to do?

You decide which one you want more. OR which one you don't want more. It really is that simple.

Some people are happy to have one, some people are happy to be onelies. Personally I would never have had just the one (on purpose anyway) but that's just for myself.

No-one can tell you which one to do.

I would say that unless you really really want another baby it’s a bit of a gamble. There’s no guarantee that they’ll be close or even like each other.

No-one can tell you what to do but I can't imagine going through the various trials and tribulations of pregnancy and trying to raise a fully fledged healthy and balanced human being just because I wanted to give my existing child an accessory. Close relationships between siblings aren't guaranteed anyway.

How old are you?

If you have time I’d think about it longer as 1 is still very little

I’ll put myself out there and say I reckon I did this. I could have written your post myself but bowed under pressure from family of, “oh you can’t let him be an only child” etc, etc. My second was a much easier baby and of course I don’t regret her now (one DS and one DD so they usually fight the entire day but I’m hopeful they’ll like each other one day!) but o do find myself envious of those who stick to their guns and stop at one despite what anyone else says. Only you can decide OP but if I had my time again, I wouldn’t have another for just that reason.

I don't have advice exactly as it's such a personal decision but I wanted to say I know exactly how you feel.

Being a parent is hard work! I have a much wanted and beautiful little girl but I could never have anticipated how hard it has been at times and it's made me question whether I could go through it again.

I guess what I am saying is you don't have to decide now. Perhaps in time the decision will become easier as you recover from the first year of being a mummy and find your new normal.

Revisit in a year or so and see how you feel

You have a one year old, which means you probably gave birth to her in the most stressful year we've ever known. Unless she's rising two, you probably didn't have a 'normal' experience of mat leave - I don't mean going to endless mum and baby groups if that's not what you like (noting you're an introvert ) but of just being able to go for a long walk when you feel like it just cos the sun is shining, etc etc.

So I really have two pieces of advice: the first is give it a year or two. See what life is like, get yourself into a different routine, then decide.

And don't have a second child if YOU don't want one. I'm a sort of only child (my DB is 13 years younger than me) and I never felt the lack of a sibling growing up. I did feel the lack of an engaged parent though. And I have an only child by choice myself. No regrets there either, for me or DS.

I was in a similar situation when thinking about trying for a second.

I do love being a parent but I'm not broody, I hate being pregnant and I'm not a fan of the baby/new born stage. I do however adore my toddler and am enjoying him more and more the older he gets (currently 18months). For me the enjoyment isn't from getting my freedom back but more about seeing him grow and develop into his own little person. Where as babies and pregnancies are hard thankless work at the time.

I eventually decided I did want a second because overall I love being a parent and I am hopeful that even if they're not best friends, they'll always have someone with a shared background to help them navigate through tough times (like the eventual loss of me and their dad).

You definitely need to weigh up what's right for you, there's no right or wrong decision.

I did. Although I adore my Ds absolutely now he’s here, and wouldn’t be without him, I’m not 100% sure it was the right decision.

My relationship with exh was not solid, and we ended up breaking up after Ds was born. The divorce was so much more difficult with there being two children to think of, one being a baby/ toddler and I don’t really think it’s benefitted Dd. She’d have been better off with more of my attention than a sibling if I’m brutally honest.

Career wise, I’d be pretty much back to fill steam by now, but as it is I still have an infant aged child.

Everything is more expensive once you have two as well!

So many things to consider.

None of this is my resenting Ds or wishing I hadn’t had him, but it’s a big decision.

I am 31. It's not an option at all for a few years at least anyway as we can't afford two lots of childcare so I do have time. I'm just wondering I suppose if other people have ever felt the same and what factors lead them to whichever decision they took.

My youngest has additional needs (autism) and I think the eldest resents the amount of my attention that needs sometimes.

OP I felt a bit like you, I'd never wanted just one (had intended 2 or 3, before having any!) but one was exhausting enough that I felt I was having a second for the sake of it. We put off TTC #2 a bit - then actually it took ages to conceive second time round and really cemented that I did want a second! It's been totally worth it for us, as they play together and it's lovely (although they fight too). The eldest reads to the young one so it's a bit less for me to do

However, I would say that around dc1 age 1 everything is still crazy, things change really fast and it's exhausting. By the time we were ttc around 18months and actually got there a year or so later I could envisage having two much more easily. It won't always be the case but dc2 is such a ray of sunshine whereas dc1 was a bit harder work. I'd give it a few months, put it out of your head then see how you feel. I know a 2year age gap seems quite common but we have a 3 year age gap which has been ideal.

I feel the same as you and have decided to stop at one. I'm an only which I think influences that decision - I don't know what I'm missing, and I have lots of lovely friends and am close to my parents.

Probably a good idea to leave it a while as 1 is still tiny, but there's no harm in having an only child. Most of us turn out fine!

Following with interest, I have so much sleep deprivation at the moment, I cried this morning as I didn't want to just have one baby but the thought of going through all this again was too much. I have to say I think only children can thrive, and that the main reason for bringing another human being into this world should never be for them to be company for an existing human.

But yes to echo pp, there's nothing wrong with having/being an only child. I have siblings and we're not particularly close.

OP I'm the same age as you feel EXACTLY the same. Love my DD to pieces and have everyone in my face about giving her a sibling. For me, the cons outweigh the pros. I want sleep, some independence, be able to save, have money to provide a nice life for my daughter and family as a whole. There ate no guarantees that a sibling would be welcomed by your DD (I don't get along with mine at all) and to me, she will have close family, cousins and friends and will be absolutely fine as an only child. I've made the decision not to gave any more because of all of these reasons.

I did it (and because my husband wanted more than one) and I can now say it was the best decision I ever made - even if it was under duress. They are close in age (which I recommend to) and they fight but they have each other’s backs. Also one girl and one boy so it’s not like they are so obviously going to be best friends. My second is the easiest, happiest, sweetest child and I can’t imagine a world without him. Do what your gut tells you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is very helpful. DD is only just 1 so yes, I suppose all the very difficult baby bits are still very fresh in my mind and of course still actually present. Maybe the older she gets the more my mind will make itself up one way or another.

I think you should view it as making your family larger rather than simply giving a child a sibling. As pp have said they may or may not get on but at least in the future they could have each other, and that was how my DH and I viewed it. He is an only child, my sister has no children; we are not hugely close to wider family and as dh's mum was 40 when she had him, most cousins are much older, so all in, we are a small family.

You're only a year in so I'd put it on the back burner for a while. Having a second is starting from scratch but for me it's been worth it. We have a big gap (6.5years) which if I'm honest is quite tricky to manage in some ways but equally actually pretty good.

If you are going to have a second because you want a sibling for your dc I would do it sooner than later.
Yes it is a struggle. I ended up setting up a business in order that I could cut down on childcare fees.
I was given a sibling but there was such a big age gap that I never really connected with them.
I set out with the knowledge that if I were to have one then I would have a second as soon as possible after. They grew up going to the same nursery/schools etc they have joint friends.
They are adults now and work together (pre pandemic)
I think the longer you leave it the likelihood is that they won’t be as close.

Your DD is only 1 so you have plenty of time to decide. We dithered about having another baby and started trying after DD's 2nd birthday, one of the main reasons was to give her a sibling. DS came along when DD was 3.5, they are super close and he fitted into the family smoothly so I would obviously recommend it but everyone's different.

When DD was 1 I still had my c-section, early breastfeeding, sleep deprived trauma engrained on my brain but it did fade.

You have said 'I don't really want another baby.' It is 100% ok to trust your feeling and stay content and as you are. Do NOT have one just so your daughter can have a sibling. It really is a poor reason and the day to day consequences of coping with two when you only want one, for 18 years (and possibly the rest of your life if there are health problems) is actually so damaging I can't understand why you would consider it.

All children should be wanted. Single children do perfectly fine! I never see my brother, we hardly have a relationship. You have love in abundance and your home sounds happy. Love, security, safety, happy parent(s) and a stable home is what a child needs. Siblings are totally optional.

I always wanted 2 but having 1 was the hardest thing I've ever done. Awful pregnancy, traumatic birth, non sleeping baby. It was hell! So we had our second really quickly. Two under two. Hard few years but I'd never go back. I did it as I wanted them to have siblings. I would not want a bigger gap as they might not be much use to each other. They watch the same programmes, play the same games etc. But fuck me, it was hard!!!

Don't do it for that reason.I have one ds 7 and as much as I get pangs of guilt that he's an only id never have another as I really didn't enjoy the baby stage at all

I always wanted two but when my ds was born I couldn’t imagine doing again. It was a chance conversation with my DH when ds was three that made us realise we were ready for and wanted another so my suggestion is don’t worry about it yet.