To have another baby just so my baby has a sibling?

[Bluetoybox]

I have one amazing DD and I do utterly adore her but being completely honest, the actual act of being a parent, I can't say I've ever found that enjoyable and I find myself feeling happier the older DD gets and the more independence I'm getting back. She's only 1 but finally she's sleeping better, she's thriving at nursery, I'm back at work and feeling like my old self and I cherish the time I do have with her. We've always discussed that we would have at least 2 DC but really, I just don't know that I want to have another baby.
But having said that, I've always been a bit of an introvert and I don't have many friends, neither does DH and we both have very close relationships with our siblings. My DSis has been an absolute God send for keeping me sane this last year especially and I worry that by not having another baby, I'm depriving DD of that potential relationship.
I don't really want another baby but I do really want DD to have a sibling so how do you decide what to do?

I was leaning towards only having one child as dd got older. But I had an unexpected pregnancy last year which ended in miscarriage and it made me realise I did want another and I'm now 31 weeks with my second.

But I was quite happy for dd to be an only child.

It took me 6 years to decide I wanted another one, I think I just couldn't cope with having two close together being so dependant on me. I looked at other people doing it and just couldn't fathom how it would be enjoyable. I'm just not built for it I don't think and would have found it so stressful. And I have to say it was completely the right decision for me. I'm so chilled out this time round, my oldest absolutley adores her and he really is a good help. I just feel like it was perfect timing. Totally get this is just my experience though.

I did. I wasn't 100% sure about having kids at all but DH really did. Once I had one I felt like I'd already done the massive life upheaval and was really really keen that DS have a sibling. I'm so happy we had DD. I'm even happier that neither of them are babies anymore because I really didn't enjoy that stage with either of them. They are awesome little people who love each other very much.

As an only child myself I've always found this logic bizarre.
What if they don't get on with their sibling? If that's the only reason for having a second child then yes, YABU. Only children can be perfectly content, happy, have rounded lives and good relationships without having been "given" a sibling by their parents.

Don't have another child if you don't want one. I know so many happy only children and plenty of adults who have nothing to do with their siblings. There is no guarantee it would be best for your daughter, so the only reason to have another is if it's what you and your partner want for your family. But also, remember that the question is whether you want another child, not whether you want another baby - and that's really hard to disentangle at the stage you're at now, but might be easier later? My newborn second is sleeping on me as I type and while he's beautiful and squishy and lovely I didn't really want another baby - I found the first six months with DS1 pretty awful - but when DS was about two I realised that I did want another child, and that I could endure another baby year - which feels interminable at the time, but goes so fast in retrospect - to get there. And so here I am!

I could have written this post word for word. My youngest was a difficult baby and I hated the newborn/baby stage. I was adamant I wouldn't go through it again. When she was 8 months, on valentines day DH and I had a few drinks, I suddenly had a mad thought that a sibling for DD1 was a good idea and as he was pushing 41 thought it should be sooner rather than later. DTD that night, woke up the next day thinking what was I thinking....low and behold, pregnant. 2 weeks later covid struck. I was devastated and couldn't handle the thought of doing it all again while still fully in the baby stage. I contemplated a termination but couldn't go through with it in the end. Spent the first trimester in lockdown 1 utterly depressed and struggled through the pregnancy thinking how stupid I had been. 9 months later I had 2 under 1.5 and boy was it tough BUT it was done. I got through the newborn bit in lockdown 2, kept DD1 in childcare and spent the first 3 months of DD2s life locked down with no family or friends. Despite all of that, I'm so glad it happened now. DD2 is a ray of sunshine and such an easy baby in comparison. I know if covid had hit 2 weeks earlier I would never have had a second baby. Or I may have done this 2 years down the line and not had my lovely DD2. I'm getting all the baby years out the way pronto. They're now 20 months and 4.5 months and when I'm alone with both it's hard but they are good sleepers, I'm lucky enough to keep DD1 in childcare 3 days and I know in a year's time I'll be almost out the other side. Of course I'll have two toddlers which brings it's own challenges but I much prefer toddlers to the baby stage! Anyway no advice as such but just wanted to share my experience x

If the main reason is out of sense of obligation to give them a sibling then my gut instinct is to stick to your guns. There's no guarantee they will be close, or even get on, and it might be more stressful 8 years down the line if you've got 2 arguing like cat and dog,leaving you feeling terrible.

If the sibling element was just one part and you would genuinely like to have another the that's different.

I really wasn’t a fan of the baby stage. It’s ok and you love them because they’re yours but I do find them more interesting over a year old. I never felt desperately broody (for either of mine) but I’m so glad I had 2 as they are such good company for each other and seeing them get on and be so happy together makes me happier than anything else in the world. But definitely wait another year or two and see how you feel

No, my parents did this (DF was an only child who clearly felt that it would have been better to have a sibling). Parents hated being parents, resented us, told us this often, treated us as a massive inconvenience. It was not what they really wanted and having 2 was twice the burden of having 1.

Mine is 4 and i'm still undecided, i'm 95% sure i'm sticking with 1, everything is so much easier now, she's independent, happy, confident and we have so much more to give her than if we had another, she also says she doesn't want a sibling, would rather have more holidays.
She has tonnes of friends so she's not lonely and she likes her quiet evenings after school with no other child to contend with.
I guess i'm also a bit driven by my childhood, i hated my brother, we never got along, we're fine now but by no means close, i don't think i could handle 2 fighting like we used to.
You've got time OP. :-)

Give it a year or two then revisit the idea. I think your views either way will firm up by then.

Should have said, the 5% unsure is because i loved the baby stage, but i got lucky and got an easy one, i miss her baby stage

I felt exactly the same as you. I adore my daughter - she's great and we have a lovely life. Work is going well and I have enrolled on a masters program since having her. I am almost worried about upsetting the apple cart as it were. My daughter is now 4 and due to start school in September. I am 29 weeks pregnant - we feel very grateful but the main driver was my daughter having a sibling. As previous posters have said it's still early days, give yourself time and see how you feel.

We were set on two children before I had my DS last November but after he was born we both realised it was more so he has a sibling not because we actually want another baby, we don't have family nearby and baby and I got sepsis post birth and I developed high blood pressure so if that happens again we d really struggle.
Also we don't want to be doing the sleep deprived stage again or having them both suffer because financially putting two children in childcare isn't doable.
I d only do it if you actually want another baby not just because you want company for your current baby as theres no guarantee they ll get along.

I had another one and dithered so much I had a 9 year gap! They are not very close but hope they will be more as adults. I would say if you have a small age gap they are more likely to be close and even if they are not, they still have someone to play with

I didn't expect to stop at one, but it turned out that when it came to it, that was what suited us best as a family (no issues conceiving, so it was a choice). Okay, so no siblings, but there are all sorts of benefits of being an only, too - you can try all sorts of things with one child which you couldn't do with two, because if they kick off or lose interest, you can just leave without any effects on another sibling.

When we were weighing up pros and cons, I realised that the major reason I had "for" another child was other people's (and particularly my mother's) views on only children. To be fair, my mother has never made comments on only children since my daughter came along, but she expressed her opinions often enough in my childhood that they stuck. When I realised that my main reason for a second boiled down to "what other people think", the decision became clear!

DD is 14 and quite happy being an only - although I would say that she might have found lockdown rather easier if it hadn't just been her and us. We didn't see that one coming...

I don't think you really need to think about it yet tbh. Reassess in another year.

I was an only child with no other family in the country in which I was raised. I always worried about being left alone when my parents died. I longed for cousins. I had a second child to give my first a sibling. I don't regret the decision.

I felt exactly the same and although I don’t want to wish time away, like you I enjoy parenting more as I get more of my old life back.

I took the gamble and had a second and honestly it was the absolute right decision for me. I have a near 3 year gap and the love between them is amazing. I love my second in a totally different way but like my first I adore her.

I honestly don’t love the baby stage, I find it gruelling and if It wasn’t for how hard I find it I even think I’d have a third! Never in a million years thought I’d feel that way. Mine are now 4 and 1.

What is the ideal reason for bringing another life into the world? 🧐🤷‍♀️
I had my second as company for my first. I knew that the level of parenting involved in raising a happy only child was beyond me. (Hats off to the many amazing parents of one child that I know!) Others feel the opposite which is of course fine. I’m lucky that it worked out in my case and my two get on brilliantly.

I feel like you OP although my DD is 2. I hated being pregnant, hated having a newborn and I enjoy being a parent more and more as she gets older. I feel annoyed at myself that I can’t seem to make a decision whether I want another or not (keep going back and forth between desperately trying to conceive and really not wanting a baby) but a friend pointed out to me that if I feel like this then I’m probably not in a place where I really want another child but also not ready to write it off yet. For now I’m going to put it to the back of my mind and reconsider in 6 months

What is the ideal reason for bringing another life into the world?
Because you genuinely want to bring another child into your family.

Rather than doing so out of obligation because you feel you should give your child a sibling, you should have 2 because that's the norm, you should have another because of family pressure, you should because DH says he wants more than 1, you should because you're blending a family and a joint child would be the glue, you should because a child will bring you all closer together etc.

It's the difference between want and should. If you want a child because you like the idea of another child and it would be nice for DC to have company if they're close in age and you think siblings would make the family dynamic you hope for them that's all good reasons because you want the child.

I feel very similar to you OP but I’m older than you so I don’t have time on my side. My partner is also older. I always thought we’d have two but our first was a tricky baby & is now a tricky toddler. I also had birth complications & pnd. My partner is certain he doesn’t want a second & although I have occasional hormonal driven phases of wanting another baby I think it would be a huge gamble. I am starting to make peace with having one now & think it would be the best decision for us a family. If I was you I would give it a few years as others have said. When my daughter was one I wouldn’t have even contemplated it!

I really struggled with whether to have a second but really am so, so glad I did. Its absolutely the best thing I ever had.

If you are an introvert and so is your DP, your daughter is likely to be too. In that case I think a sibling will be a godsend. My eldest struggled with friendships at school so have a sibling has been such a relief and absolutely brilliant. . They love playing together, and it really makes things easier for me. Tbh, if you find you like things getting easier, as they get older, it is so much easier if they entertain each other instead of relying on you. Also when they are primary age, their friendships out of school will rely on your ability to make school mum friends which it sounds like will come easily to you.

It also means my eldest is able to make friends with his younger brother's friends, so it has expanded his social circle, even if he doesn't have friends outside of school.

I read a lot of threads about one child families, and those brought up as sole children and who were happy with it said that their parents made sure they had lots of friends, so their parents facilitated their friendships with others. I think this is what you need to think about, how easy you will find it to do this.

There are three years between mine btw and it has worked out really well.