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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have another baby just so my baby has a sibling?

94 replies

Bluetoybox · 11/03/2021 09:44

I have one amazing DD and I do utterly adore her but being completely honest, the actual act of being a parent, I can't say I've ever found that enjoyable and I find myself feeling happier the older DD gets and the more independence I'm getting back. She's only 1 but finally she's sleeping better, she's thriving at nursery, I'm back at work and feeling like my old self and I cherish the time I do have with her. We've always discussed that we would have at least 2 DC but really, I just don't know that I want to have another baby.
But having said that, I've always been a bit of an introvert and I don't have many friends, neither does DH and we both have very close relationships with our siblings. My DSis has been an absolute God send for keeping me sane this last year especially and I worry that by not having another baby, I'm depriving DD of that potential relationship.
I don't really want another baby but I do really want DD to have a sibling so how do you decide what to do?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 11/03/2021 11:50

A second baby isn't a gift to bestow on your first born. What if they don't get on? What if they want a sister and you give her a brother or vice versa? What about when baby needs your attention and priority and DD gets sidelined? What if baby has complex needs and it massively impacts on how much time you get left with DD? Will you resent that you did this for DD but it hasn't gone how you expected?

jamthencreamyoufool · 11/03/2021 11:57

What is the ideal reason for bringing another life into the world?

There isn't one, and its daft to imagine there is. It doesn't really matter why, only what happens when you do.

Ellpellwood · 11/03/2021 12:02

Mine is 2 and a bit. I definitely definitely don't want any more. I went from about 90% sure to 100% after so many months of little sleep and 20 months of breastfeeding. That said, I'm an only child so I have some parenting to refer to! DH is 6 years younger than his sister and they don't really speak. She's more like a distant cousin and had left for uni before he hit his teens.

Notanotherhun · 11/03/2021 12:15

Absolute not a chance. Having another baby would probably push our marriage to the brink. Having one is more than enough and nursery provides them with the social stuff.

Lostinthewilderness · 11/03/2021 12:15

I feel / felt exactly the same & sticking at one.

Sounds like you have time on your side though if you do change your mind. I am older so it was a “now or never” decision. Why not see how you feel in a few years?

Things that influenced my decision:

DH and I have siblings but we are not close to any of them

I know various people whose siblings have actually made their life more difficult/ complicated for one reason or another - I know a couple of people with siblings they feel they will be responsible for once their parents are no longer around. (That’s not to say they don’t love them of course)

risk of having a child with additional needs. I’m genuinely not sure how I would cope. So I’m counting my blessings & stopping at one.

I’m worried more than one would tip me over the edge & I concluded it is better for my child to have a happy, healthy mum than a sibling

less important factor, but we can consider private education & expensive hobbies with one

There are some other factors in my case such as I had an awful pregnancy which also influenced my decision

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 11/03/2021 12:38

Lots of people have children to provide siblings.

Lots of people prefer older kids. I much prefer my kids at toddler age than when they were babies and totally dependent.

I guess it comes down to what you and your partner want in the long-term. The baby phase is very short in the scheme of things.

mabelandivy · 11/03/2021 12:49

Your DD is only 1 and you say you're 31. Give yourself some time to properly think about whether it is something you really want.

I am one and done by choice and I would never have another baby if I didn't really want one so my DD has a sibling. Whilst it would be nice for them to have a sibling, mentally I couldn't go through pregnancy and the newborn stage again. It wouldn't be fair on a new baby or DD.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/03/2021 12:50

Lots of people have children to provide siblings
There's a difference though between another might be nice, esp to have two to grow up together and Annie have a sibling VS I don't want another baby but I should have one for Annie's sake.

Carolina24 · 11/03/2021 12:55

just because I wanted to give my existing child an accessory.

Absolutely bizarre comment. A sibling isn’t an accessory.

Huff1epuff · 11/03/2021 13:20

I always find it odd how in threads like these, and in real life, people's response to someone saying they want one is often "wait and see" with the implication that you'll change your mind.

Deciding to have one child is a perfectly fine decision to make that doesn't need justifying. There any many benefits to being /having an only child.

TheGoogleMum · 11/03/2021 13:24

Some siblings hate each other. If you don't want another baby then don't have one just for DD as she may not enjoy it at all!

MarshaBradyo · 11/03/2021 13:29

I always find it odd how in threads like these, and in real life, people's response to someone saying they want one is often "wait and see" with the implication that you'll change your mind.

Why does it have to be this?

I said wait because one is young and there’s no rush. There’s no indication a decision is there to be changed anyway.

LolaSmiles · 11/03/2021 13:33

There's a difference though between another might be nice, esp to have two to grow up together and Annie have a sibling VS I don't want another baby but I should have one for Annie's sake.

I agree with this ^^

drivinmecrazy · 11/03/2021 13:40

I felt exactly as you did. I hated the new born phase and really wasn't ready to go through that again, ever.
Added to that was the feeling DD1 would miss out on so much by having another.
In the end what drove me was the terror and fear that something might happen to her at some point and I'd be bereft. So essentially we went for an 'heir and a spare' approach (not that there's any great riches to inherit )
Unfortunately we had a miscarriage so the age gap was more than I'd have liked. It was four and half years.
Ultimately DD1 hated having DD2, it wasn't the bond I'd imagined. At best she was uninterested in the baby!
Fast forward fifteen years and their relationship is what I take most pride in as a parent. Apart from the odd episode of feeling outnumbered by them when they unite and side against me!!!
I would have rather had a slightly closer age gap because it was tricky at times to manage their differing needs but overall having number two is amazing.
Just don't expect them to be the same or even similar , I did and it drive me to distraction at times until I learnt to embrace that.
Now I think they are two halves of the best of me.
Now ones 20 and away at uni the other 15 and still at home. They miss each other far more than me and speak daily, I'm only granted that honour a couple of times a week!

Megan2018 · 11/03/2021 13:46

DD will be an only. I loved pregnancy and the baby bit, but our family is complete at one. I do worry about her not having a sibling but it’s not a good enough reason to have another child.
DD is 18 months, but I’m 43 and DH nearly 48. We can’t afford a second now and don’t have the luxury of time. But we also don’t feel strongly that our family is meant to be bigger.

I have more friends with only children than more than one, it’s a more popular choice now. DH hasn’t had contact with his siblings for 30 years. I get on ok with mine but we are not at all close and speak rarely.

If we have an accidental pregnancy (would be a miracle), then we’d go with it. But it’s certainly not our intention.

amusedbush · 11/03/2021 14:13

Have another if you want another, not because you think your baby should have a sibling. My mum had my brother because she worried I'd be lonely.

We didn't get on at all and either fought or ignored each other. As adults, we have so little in common you'd think we were from different planets. I see him once a year and while we send the odd "hello, how are you?" text in between, we wouldn't be friends were we not related.

Excited101 · 11/03/2021 14:18

Seeing 2 people I know have so many issues as only children reinforced my want for more than 1 if at all possible. But obviously there will be lots of cases where one may be better.

BreakfastClub80 · 11/03/2021 14:20

We really wanted a big family but we’re very very lucky to have our DD, couldn’t have more though we tried. We got over it and she’s very happy to be an only.

I’m one of three, the other two both emigrated so I might see them every 2 years or so 🤷‍♀️

I agree with the first post, see if you have stronger feelings for or against both options, you have plenty of time.

PeppermintTea2021 · 11/03/2021 14:23

Having two close in age and the same sex has worked out well for me, not least in lockdown they had someone to play with but every child is different and I'm sure some households were far less peaceful!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/03/2021 14:25

I'm an only child and I find it so weird that people feel "guilty" about only having one child. I literally could not care less.

StylishMummy · 11/03/2021 14:30

There's 16m between my DC and they're as close as could be, always playing together and spending time with each other and would be lost without one another. The smaller the gap, the more likely they'll get on IMHO

mummywantstobeslim · 11/03/2021 14:31

If you really don't want another baby then It's not a good idea to get pregnant again.

JackieTheFart · 11/03/2021 14:32

I think having another baby to give your child a sibling is ridiculous if I’m honest.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/03/2021 14:34

I was an only child and always wanted a sister. So when my first DD came I had already planned that she would have a sister. I wanted them to have family when I was gone.
Unfortunately, they are totally different and dislike each other. As my older DD said "If I were not her sister, I would never choose her as a friend."

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 11/03/2021 14:48

In relation to comments about age gaps - there’s a very small gap between myself and one sibling and while we were close as children there was a lot of tension and sibling rivalry as teenagers, and so much pressure to be “best friends!” that I think it actually contributed to us growing apart. As adults we both get on far, far better with the other sibling where the gap was 7+ years and we were able to just build a sibling bond without that pressure and weight of expectation.

If you’re “giving” your child a sibling is it so they have company as a child or is it for their benefit as adults?

Anyway, if you’re sure or even mostly sure you don’t want another child I don’t think “giving” your existing child a sibling is a good idea/

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