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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have another baby just so my baby has a sibling?

94 replies

Bluetoybox · 11/03/2021 09:44

I have one amazing DD and I do utterly adore her but being completely honest, the actual act of being a parent, I can't say I've ever found that enjoyable and I find myself feeling happier the older DD gets and the more independence I'm getting back. She's only 1 but finally she's sleeping better, she's thriving at nursery, I'm back at work and feeling like my old self and I cherish the time I do have with her. We've always discussed that we would have at least 2 DC but really, I just don't know that I want to have another baby.
But having said that, I've always been a bit of an introvert and I don't have many friends, neither does DH and we both have very close relationships with our siblings. My DSis has been an absolute God send for keeping me sane this last year especially and I worry that by not having another baby, I'm depriving DD of that potential relationship.
I don't really want another baby but I do really want DD to have a sibling so how do you decide what to do?

OP posts:

crisscutfries · 11/03/2021 15:33

Having a sibling for DD is a big motivation for us wanting another DC. Not just for a playmate but also for support when they're adults. We didn't plan it too well though and waited too long to decide, then it took time to conceive, then we lost a baby. So I wish we'd started planning immediately, because the age gap will be 4+ years now, and with my age it's not guaranteed. I think DD will be fine as an only if that's how things turn out, but when I see families at the park with siblings playing together I feel sad that she won't experience that. We aren't sociable either, so we don't have friends with dc of her age (she has cousins, but they are much older).

Personally I quite enjoyed the baby/toddler stage though. I think that I wouldn't enjoy juggling two small dc at once (it's once thing I never envy when I watch a parent with two youngsters) but I think it's just something you have to get through and it gets easier when they're older.

DuchessofHastings1 · 11/03/2021 16:24

I have the one DS who is 3.

People say to me "you can't just have the one" and I say, well, are you going to look them both for me?
Soon shuts them up.

Ideally I would love to give DS a sibling but as a PP said, there is no guarantee they will like each other. I have a brother whom I love but I see him on family occasions, we aren't particularly close.

Sometimes I do have the guilt of thinking I'm being selfish and not giving him a sinking...but the thought of the extra stress, childcare and cost of having another soon changes my mind.
On top of that, if I need him minded say for an appointment, night out etc, its must easier to get just one child baby sat.

The toddler stage from 18m is far more demanding than the first year in my opinion. So I would wait until she is 2 and then make a decision cos by god it's hard!

Rollmopsrule · 11/03/2021 16:37

It's a difficult question to ask because everyone's experience will be so different. You can only do what feels right for your family and really It's all a gamble.

I have two but my youngest has serious medical needs. Honestly I just didn't consider something like this would happen which was naive but then again we don't know how much we can cope with untill it's right there In your face! I don't regret my second child but well, if I'm honest life was easier when we were a family of three and I felt more like myself if that makes sense?? In contrast some of my friends have what seems like the perfect family set up A boy, a girl, no medical issues and they all get on wonderfully.

ThornAmongstRoses · 11/03/2021 17:47

The main driving force between me having a second child was because I didn’t want my first baby to be an only child.

My husband took a lot of persuading though as he doesn’t get on with his brother so saw no benefit in a sibling relationship.

I however have a sister that is my best friend, my whole childhood was wrapped up in her, the happiest day of my life were sharing my youth with her, hence why I really wanted to give my first baby the chance to have such a special relationship.

We did have a second baby though the age gap is much bigger than I wanted (3.5 years) due to having to talk my husband around and then it taking almost a year to get pregnant.

It was 100% the best decision we made. Our children adore each other, I can’t even explain how special their bond is. They are inseparable and never stop telling each other how much they love each other.

Of course there’s no guarantee their close relationship will continue, but looking at how they are together now, I’m so so so glad that it’s a relationship they can experience. There’s no doubt they bring something special to each other’s life.

Furrydogmum · 11/03/2021 17:54

Recently I have experienced deaths in my community that make me glad I have more than one child.. You have to do what you feel is right, and I always wanted more than one anyway, but having been rocked to my core by other peoples losses I'm so happy to have two - even though it would break me to lose either of them.. Ignore me or shout me down but I have been totally gutted in the past month and this post helped me to process a part of that..

Bluekangaroo123 · 11/03/2021 19:09

@DuchessofHastings1 you make a very good point about the second year versus the first year! We actually had a really tough first year but from age 2 onwards has been even more challenging

Bluekangaroo123 · 11/03/2021 19:15

@Furrydogmum- you mean you’re glad you have two in case you lost one of them? I’ve heard a lot of people express logic. I definitely don’t think it’s a reason to have more than one but I do appreciate your point of view.

Furrydogmum · 11/03/2021 19:20

@Bluekangaroo123 when I had them it was not even on my radar, my children are older (young adults both) as are the young people who have died recently in our community. The thought of not having either one of them chills me, I can't imagine losing an only - I appreciate this sounds cold and it really isn't intended to be but I am no wordsmith.

georgarina · 11/03/2021 19:24

I was an only child until 9 and hated it, it was very lonely, and I didn't have any relationships that were guaranteed to stick around if that makes sense, the way my friends with siblings did.

Having said that, if you really hate the baby stage, you have to take that into consideration as well.

And also take into consideration that it's a relatively short period of time.

But yeah two valid options to weigh out.

Ohnomoreno · 11/03/2021 19:25

That's what I thought, and I regret it.

BestZebbie · 12/03/2021 00:31

I'm an only with an only, so obviously biased here....but there is really no need. :-)
If you had an only rabbit that was going to spend a lot of time shut in a run alone while you are at work then sure, get it a companion - but your existing child will have you and also their own friends and adult relationships at school, hobbies, wider family etc, they won't ever actually be in a room "on their own" at any time for years and years yet!

Feelingconfused2020 · 12/03/2021 00:40

A one year old is still a baby. My 2 girls are Over 4 years apart and still.close. they have an older brother and even the little one adores him despite nearly 7 years gap. You have time to wait and see

Don't stress about it now. Most of us need time to adjust after having a baby .

IdblowJonSnow · 12/03/2021 00:59

I absolutely wouldnt have a baby just to provide a sibling.
However give it a year or two - or more - you may find you want another for other reasons.

Piglet89 · 12/03/2021 06:44

@BrownEyedGirl80 my son’s only 18 months but this succinctly sums up how I feel.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 12/03/2021 07:33

@Piglet89 don't feel guilty there's nothing wrong with doing what's right for your family

Piglet89 · 12/03/2021 19:49

Thanks @BrownEyedGirl80 I am an only child myself and although I was a freak for years because of too much adult company, I suspect my son will not be like that because he is so open and gregarious and just loves spending time with people! He just walks up to people in the playground and smiles at them and blows kisses. He shouldn’t have problems making friends, I hope!

Kimye4eva · 12/03/2021 19:53

My main reason for DC2 was a sibling for DC1. Best decision I ever made. I’ve found it so much easier and enjoyable second time round too.

Thenthatsthatthen · 12/03/2021 20:20

against the grain here but my DM was determined to give my DSis (a sibling close in age (14yr age gap here) citing the usual reasons. So Dbro came along, it was a complicated pregnancy & DM was in hospital a lot. Long story short my DSis ended up with massive attachment/control issues, huge problems in school-expelled from both primary and secondary-physiologist says no SEN it all stems from the arrival of Dbro and to this day she still resents him for no reason other than he ruined her life by being born.
I’m not saying she had a normal (far from it) reaction to getting a sibling but it was so detrimental to her it really made me think twice about having more than one DC. I did and they get along fine but I had them because I wanted more DC. Which is key. Having a baby just to give you other DC a sibling is a risky move.

bookworm14 · 12/03/2021 20:46

Have another baby because you want one, not to ‘give’ your existing child a sibling. A human being is not a gift, and having a child you don’t want could end up being a very bad idea.

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