Shit tips or genius life hacks that are fucking useless

[Stoppissingonmyheather]

I have just read the genius tips are the tops page of crap magazine and it really made me laugh.. Making useless tat out of pringle tubes and wrapping paper to clutter up the place aibu to ask you for your useless shit tips?

The 'use dentures to crimp your pastry edges' was taken from a very old episode of Steptoe and Son (early 70s) when Albert actually took his false teeth out and used them to crimp a pie he was making.
His son Harold was disgusted.

This thread reminded me of the excellent Flanders and Swann number, "Design for Living". So I looked it up for y'all:

The bit that brought it to mind was their home tips such as:

"Why not collect those little metal bottle-tops and nail them upside-down on the floor? This will give a sensation

of walking

on little metal bottle tops upside-down on the floor."

And more practically:

"Why not get hold of an ordinary Northumbrian spoke-shaver's coracle, painted in contrasting stripes of, say, telephone black and white white, and hang it in the hallway as a guitar tidy for parties."

Someone I used to work with had a £20,000 plus wedding and said her parents helped with that cost, grandparents bought her dress, in laws chipped in for the honeymoon. She now regrets it as she said there is no money to help with a deposit for a mortgage. She was mid-late 20s when they got married, so I'm surprised, she has only just realised this.

Sorry wrong thread.

Wow, that Take a Shite Facebook page is dying for a venn diagram with lockdown fanaticism. Also, I bet the venn diaagram would be well decorated and everyone would be so appreciative of the effort.

That Facebook page is hilarious. Who thinks of these things?

That was just wonderfully bonkers @DynamoKev

I used to buy TAB for the shit stories and tips when I was having a really hard time in life. It was like a little respite from my life.

I'm a community nurse and I went to visit a patient who (I think) had a mild learning disability but had lived a mainstream life.

Anyway she showed me her collection of (what I would call) tat that she was planning to sell, and poems to send to magazines etc. I nodded and made all the right noises, but now every time I see this kind of stuff I think of her. It was exactly this kind of ridiculous.

The creative writing was dire, and the craft was tacky (think Pringle tube being repurposed as a toothbrush holder) anyway I've never quite felt the same kind of humour towards this stuff again although she actually was pretty unpleasant!

@StillCoughingandLaughing

On Super Scrimpers once, they suggested saving money on expensive sink unblocking fluid by cutting your dog’s old tennis ball in half and using it as a makeshift plunger.

Well, that was a complete write-off. For a start, I don’t even have a dog. Once I’d been to Battersea to rescue one, built a kennel, took it for all its vaccinations and had it neutered, taken our pet insurance and booked kennels for my next holiday, I’d already spent £1200 - and that’s without the tennis ball! Plus my sink had been blocked for three weeks! Wilko’s own brand sink unblocked is only £2.25! Talk about false economy. I was fuming.

Best post ever - thank you for giving me a good laugh @StillCoughingandLaughing

My one that I read in TAB many years ago. Save the individual butter pots you get in hotels, wash them out and you can use them for individual ice cubes. It was definitely a wind up.

It’s was the freeze a blob of toothpaste and use them as after dinner mints !
Gross and possibly dangerous

@Hendalle

I love this thread and Take a Shite

One I recall (& laughed about with a friend) was for if you wanted a new top to wear at Xmas/New Year. ^Simply staple quality street sweet wrappers to a vest top and you’ll be ready for a sparkly night out.^

Every xmas I am tempted to make one as a gag gift for my friend.. but I’m afraid she may have forgotten about this tip and think I’ve lost the plot!

A great tip for a last-minute invite to a Christmas party, when you have nothing to wear - just paint stars or flowers on your top with PVA glue, sprinkle glitter on the floor and then lie down and roll around in it. Instant evening glamour.

@RolyPolyLilBatFace

My favourite was the woman who couldn't find a hair fascinator on the shops for a wedding she was going to.

She hunted everywhere! Nothing in budget, nothing stood out, nothing in the right shade of purple. What on earth could she do?

That's right! She used one of those nylon shower puff things. It was perfect!

Genuinely the funniest thing I've ever read on here

@DogsAreShit

Can't get a picture frame the exact size of that lovely photo of your grandson? Saw your fucking headboard in half and then hack bits off to fit.

No picture? Just cut one off the cover of TV Quick.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

:25StillCoughingandLaughing

*On Super Scrimpers once, they suggested saving money on expensive sink unblocking fluid by cutting your dog’s old tennis ball in half and using it as a makeshift plunger.

Well, that was a complete write-off. For a start, I don’t even have a dog. Once I’d been to Battersea to rescue one, built a kennel, took it for all its vaccinations and had it neutered, taken our pet insurance and booked kennels for my next holiday, I’d already spent £1200 - and that’s without the tennis ball! Plus my sink had been blocked for three weeks! Wilko’s own brand sink unblocked is only £2.25! Talk about false economy. I was fuming*

😅

I have never laughed so much.......... absolutely hilarious... great thread, thank you all...

2 top tips my mum and I saw on the same tips page once:

1: Save all the little scraps of soap you have left at the end of using a bar, and squash them together in a tub to make another bar of soap

2: Save all the crumbs from your biscuit tin and then when you have enough, use them to make a cheesecake base

This cracked me up:

Ah, I love Take a Shite and its sister page 'Slimming Hurled'!
It makes me laugh daily! My fave after the pitta bread clutch bag was the slippers made out of fanny pads!
No money to treat your mum to new slippers this christmas? dont worry, make padded slippers for her out of sanitary towels!!

I still have a viz top tips book from the early 90s. one of my faves was, Save wear and tear on expensive door hinges by simply opening the door a little bit and squeezing through the gap. 😂

Here you go.

My favourite Viz Tip is along the lines of :

If you are staying in a strange house overnight , tie a piece of skin from your doorhandle to the bathroom door. If you need to go to the loo in the middle of the night simply cock your leg across the string and straddle it between your arse crack till you reach the door .Hey Presto

@apalledandshocked

Is it muddy outside but you dont want to take your shoes of when you come inside? Simply put socks on over the top of your shoes. Ignores that:

1. you would need big socks to pull on over your shoes
2. manouvering the socks on is in no way easy than just taking the damn shoes of
3. You have to take said socks of again when you go outside (unless of course you put a second pair of socks over the first pair. Just layer them up all day long)

These really do work. I have them and so do many friends. When you're busy on the farm & need to pop into the house quickly without having to remove your wellies or laced up boots.🙂

LOVE the Take a Shite page. I always get my mum a copy of TaB for Christmas for us to snigger over.

I’m sure the “Me and My Operation” feature was the catalyst for my nursing career

My partially deaf mate told me a tip once, never forgotten....always put your thumbs up while yawning so that any deaf folk around won't think you're screaming.

Its helped loads.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Absolutely everything on 5 minure crafts fall into shit category. It feels like they are now actually taking a piss

There's a YT channel called How To Cook That. The woman who runs it actually seems to specialise more in roasts these days, IYSWIM. She is highly scathing of 5 minute crafts & their like. On one of her videos she goes into how loads of them are actually all from the same content farm.