If I say we're bad parents and he says he's not a bad parent, he's calling me a bad parent?

[SleepingStandingUp]

DS is struggling. He's 5 so it's clearly out fault not his. He told me he likes being naughty and hel Ike's telling lies. I don't think he means it as such but he'll contradict himself a lot - whether he enjoyed school, if he's been to the loo,l etc and has a tantrum every morning about going to school.

I told DH we're bad parents to have made him like this as in we need to do something to fix it as he got annoyed telling me to not call him a bad parent, he's not a bad parent. Which means he thinks it's all on me doesn't it?

I know it shouldn't matter, the only thing that matters is us fixing it so we can sort out DS bit how can we if he won't shoulder any blame?

DS is awesome but he's constantly telling me he dislikes school, the uniform, learning, being clever. He won't approach other children at play time and can be quite isolated but is then upset he's alone. We both parent him, how can I fix it on my own?

Hi Op, he sounds like my son who's now 12, I understand that its so hard, please don't blame yourself, it's not your parenting, us mums imo always blame ourselves. My son hates his uniform, moans everyday (when there was school), hates almost every teacher, hates learning and doesn't understand why he has to do it, hates bedtime, he just wants to play his games and watch YouTube videos, he doesn't want to be asked questions by his teachers, he just wants to be left alone to mind his own business (his words). We've been home schooling for a year now due to covid. I'm at the end of my teether, my blood pressure is through the roof (it actually is, I'm not joking) I think my son as ADD, I've started given him melatonin at night. It's a huge help. He's not been diagnosed with anything but is on the SEN register at his school. He also had a difficult start in life. A micro premie.

He sounds completely normal to me! As does your husband's reaction.

@Xmassprout

Sounds like your child is struggling with school. Not all children are suited to school environments, especially at such a young age. Not sure why that makes you bad parents? I would have probably said the same as your husband to be honest.

Home schooling isn't an option, he hated that too and with two 15 month old babies I'm just not good enough to teach him full time

And to add, he was tested for dispraxia and nothing came of it. He did have a TA in primary who helped him daily, he also had to change classes as his teacher couldn't cope with him, to be fair she was shit and just didn't understand him at all. The times I've cried after being kept back after school for 'a quick word'.

@Stellaroses due a review of his EHCP soon, just reminded me to call, I'll ask.

Nothing wrong with his interests except that it's making him unhappy every day disliking school

If it helps, although it might be a bit depressing, my DD has had tantrums and issues about uniform until this year (year 6!). I'm dreading shopping for comp uniform because it'll be back to sitting in a heap of tears. She has a meltdown (not using that work flippantly) if she even tries on clothing that doesn't 'agree' with her. However it's not my bad parenting. DS only just over a year younger wears anything I hand him. It's a sensory thing (and yes, colour can come into that). Whilst she's on the extreme end of having definite quirks about clothing, it's not THAT abnormal. I'm a bit funny about clothing and socks so can totally empathise. What helped us was finding something that she could control within the acceptable uniform rules, so a hoodie instead of a v neck jumper or cardigan, and soft grey sports trousers that we bought tens of pairs of. Took FOREVER to find an acceptable solution but we got there. What didn't help was when I went through a 'get a grip just put it on' phase where I thought I could be a 'no nonsense parent'. Yeah that just caused trauma.

Try agreeing with him and ask him to tell you two things he hates about school and two things he hates about his uniform. Make him feel heard. Then a bit of sympathy and doesnt it suck that lots of people hate things and still have to do them. I hate changing poopy nappies but still have to do them etc. Then change of subject and onto things he does like

Then see if you can be clever about helping with some of the things he hates.
If he hates the colour of his uniform, can you sew a small patch of fabric in a colour he likes into the inside of his sleeve, so he knows he is wearing it and can have a quick look during the day if he wants to
If he misses the babies, can you put a photo of them in his lunch box or pencil case so he ‘has them with him’

@Googleboxfan

Contact your GP. They will be able to refer you onto the right professionals to help. I've just done this for some of my daughters behaviours etc.

They will give you the right help and support.
Best of luckxx

Meh.

We were referred for parenting sessions which were next to useless and on zoom. Reward charts which don't work. We were referred to CAHMS but they're passed us on to our children's hospital and they're seeing us mid April re behaviour

He does sleep ok, bed routine is an hour but it's fun and time 121 with Dad so it's fine it takes that long. He's asleep by 8 generally but I do wonder if he needs more sleep

Re uniform, he's in his choice of pants and socks, plus a jumper plain his favourite colour and other colours he'd wear in other contexts but it's the principal and the combination I think. So he wears blue lots but not with yellow which is minion costume Vs sonic costume or with black that's the bad guy on his show. He wants to be in a costume, sometimes I feel like he doesn't like being him and that breaks my heart. I tell him he's my favourite of all the people he dresses up as, that's he's wonderful as is but it's like he won't hear it

Draw him a superhero who just happens to wear his school uniform ?.
I also like the pp’s idea of sewing a square of material in a colour he likes to the inside. Or a superhero crest.

I'm not surprised he disagreed! And him being pretty taken aback at your comment (understandably) does not translate as h calling you a bad parent. That's a bit dramatic.

All kids are different and you need to drop the belief that your children are so directly the result of the things you do. Kids are nowhere near as simplistic creatures as that! They aren't trainable like dogs are. You may be doing some things not quite so perfectly and some things brilliantly. Your children won't always reflect that. It's not a causal relationship. They are independent and unique. I hope that telling you that gives you some freedom from your negative thoughts.

Or try to get him into superman or someone who wears a disguise and then let him wear a superman vest underneath his school shirt.

I don't understand why you'd assume you are 'shit parents' unless you have actually identified things that you feel you've done badly wrong. Assuming you're rubbish just because there are problems is illogical and unhelpful.

Maybe your child has as-yet-undiagnosed SEN of some kind, maybe he's having trouble with school, or maybe he's just got into some behavioural habits that are going to need some unpicking. Either way, you shouldn't be blaming yourselves or each other, but sticking together to get to the bottom of it.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing and it may not be bad parenting just your natural style isn’t quite right for your specific dc.

Rather than “did you have a good day?” I say “tell me 3 things about your day - 1 bad and 2 good”

Don’t like uniform - oh well luckily you can change as soon as you get home.

He’s little and processing a whole day is hard. Dd2 lies but now I ask are you sure that’s quite right? Maybe have a think then tell me.

I'd say red flags for ASD OP, I don't think it's anything at all to do with either of your parenting. One thing in particular it sounds like he struggles with the idea of transitions or feels anxious about the change. You think he likes the drama but I don't think that's the case at all. He hates the idea of putting on a uniform, hates the idea of school and feels anxious about both but once they have happened then he is ok.

Talking at people, being in his own world, not really playing with others and having to be encouraged but having full conversations with strangers on the bus, not reading whether people are interested or not. Not likeing the colour of the uniform and having issues with colour, having issues with food and not wanting to eat - colour and texture might be big issues here too perhaps? The meltdowns.

These are all suggesting ASD to me OP, please don't think he is spoilt or naughty or being dramatic or that you or your OH must be to blame. xxx

He’s 5. With two baby siblings getting all the attention at home, a pandemic/lockdown that has closed everything down and potentially some sensitivities/additional needs in play, it’s no wonder he’s struggling. He was only just out of nursery before lockdown and now dealing with being back at school and all that entails. Cut him (and yourselves!) some slack. But do push for a referral.

Neither of my boys have liked school (don't know about the girl yet she's still a baby). Had tantrums or crying most days up until the age they were too embarrassed to go to school with bug red eyes. Infact I still had the oldest crying some mornings at 11/12 years old. If my dp had called me a bad parent because of that, he would have heard a few choice words from me.

So starting school coincided with your new babies? He was sent to school away from you? I'd start here if I were you and maybe get some play therapy organised. He wants to be a baby again because he misses your attention.

I should also add that dd2 spends most of her non school life in a Stitch onesie. Liking dress up is fine.

I actually had the same thought as @niceupthedance, 2 new younger siblings and then starting school not long after? I would say he wants to be a baby because he wants to stay home. I would guess he thinks you're all having fun at home while he's at school.
My DS massively struggled when DD was born, it definitely affected him behaviour.
I also don't think you or you DH are bad parents, you're doing your best and it's hard, however I feel like I'm a bad parent a lot of the time too! I think it's just another wonderful part of being a parent!

@SleepingStandingUp

DS comes home and plays. Despite hating his uniform he's happy to not get changed but he can if he wants and normally ends up in dressing up clothes. He has TV and babies and his toys. But he moans all the way home he doesn't like school and throws a tantrum at even seeeing his uniform of a morning.

We've tried letting him have dress up on first thing but it's worse. I used to use magic to change the colour of his uniform but he says now the magic doesn't last and his doesn't work. It's not tags or material, it's the wrong colour. We have a big issue with colour.

No one else's kids seem to be having screaming fits at uniform and hating to LEARN. Like where have we gone wrong if the 5 yo , sorry where have I gone wrong of the 5 yo is saying he doesn't like learning and doesn't like being clever (he's average but has come up a lot so he gets lots of praise but it's not like he's being showcased at the front kinda thing) and doesn't like using the loo. He just doesn't like anything except playing and TV and babies and being a baby. How is that not on us??

How is he at school?

Have you spoken to his teacher?

@Babyiskickingmyribs

Or try to get him into superman or someone who wears a disguise and then let him wear a superman vest underneath his school shirt.

The irony is he wants to wear a PJ Masks costume. School kid who at night wears PJ's and becomes a superhero. So I've tried telling him he's wearing a uniform like Connor etc but no, it's not the same. Gahhhh.

@niceupthedance

So starting school coincided with your new babies? He was sent to school away from you? I'd start here if I were you and maybe get some play therapy organised. He wants to be a baby again because he misses your attention.

No, he's been there part time since he was not quite 3 (early years nursery) then did 3 yo nursery then moved full time to reception Sept and the babies came Dec so he'd been there for 21 months in total when they were born. Then lockdown in the March, he did Sept - Dec as he is vulnerable so couldn't go when it was part open. He's done two terms in their 15 months of life.

How is he at school?
Have you spoken to his teacher?
School know he isn't happy going in (and of a morning) but once he's in he chats to his 121 , does his work, tries hard. At play time they know he's prone to being alone unless another child approaches him, and his 121 will ask who he wants to play with and encourage him to seperate and go off bad play, or she'll facilitate play
He's always been prone to being on his own, in nursery it was in the book corner. They say he doesn't seem upset but actually fine. His interpersonal skills have been a work in progress with no small thanks to school. In nursery he wouldn't even tolerate other kids near him, now he has friends. They're obv aware of the issues like late toiletting but there's medical stuff behind that.