If I say we're bad parents and he says he's not a bad parent, he's calling me a bad parent?

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DS is struggling. He's 5 so it's clearly out fault not his. He told me he likes being naughty and hel Ike's telling lies. I don't think he means it as such but he'll contradict himself a lot - whether he enjoyed school, if he's been to the loo,l etc and has a tantrum every morning about going to school.

I told DH we're bad parents to have made him like this as in we need to do something to fix it as he got annoyed telling me to not call him a bad parent, he's not a bad parent. Which means he thinks it's all on me doesn't it?

I know it shouldn't matter, the only thing that matters is us fixing it so we can sort out DS bit how can we if he won't shoulder any blame?

DS is awesome but he's constantly telling me he dislikes school, the uniform, learning, being clever. He won't approach other children at play time and can be quite isolated but is then upset he's alone. We both parent him, how can I fix it on my own?

Sounds really difficult

I doubt you are bad parents though and it’s possible your DH took that personally and he has more confidence than you (huge generalisation but as women and mums we are so critical of ourselves sometimes.)

He's feeling attacked and being defensive. Just avoid blaming yourselves and work on solving it.

This is not about either of you being bad parents. Stop worrying about whose fault it is and focus on how you can help your ds.

Well you were calling him a bad parent and if DH did that then I’d probably get defensive.
Also neither of you are bad parents and saying that won’t help; instead I’d focus on what you can do to support him, speak to school and see what they say.

You called him a bad parent. Are you really surprised he defended himself?
Just because your child is struggling that doesn't mean either of you are bad parents.

It all sounds very serious (as in not fun). Can you do something fun straight after school and try to keep things light?
He's five years old, don't give him so much power... It's normal not to like uniforms.
Also I don't read the same thing into what your partner said, I don't think he meant that at all.

So you called him a bad parent, he defended himself by saying he isn't and you think that equates to him calling you a bad parent?

You can't fix things simply by appropriating blame, you need to look for solutions not try to point score.

This behaviour does not mean you are bad parents. Im not surprised your OH got defensive about it. Id be pissed at you too if you blamed my parenting.

Your son is 5. He's expressing what he dislikes. Your job is to find out why he dislikes these things, why he is struggling to make friends in school and how you can help him feel better about it. He doesn't need fixing, he needs support.

DS comes home and plays. Despite hating his uniform he's happy to not get changed but he can if he wants and normally ends up in dressing up clothes. He has TV and babies and his toys. But he moans all the way home he doesn't like school and throws a tantrum at even seeeing his uniform of a morning.

We've tried letting him have dress up on first thing but it's worse. I used to use magic to change the colour of his uniform but he says now the magic doesn't last and his doesn't work. It's not tags or material, it's the wrong colour. We have a big issue with colour.

No one else's kids seem to be having screaming fits at uniform and hating to LEARN. Like where have we gone wrong if the 5 yo , sorry where have I gone wrong of the 5 yo is saying he doesn't like learning and doesn't like being clever (he's average but has come up a lot so he gets lots of praise but it's not like he's being showcased at the front kinda thing) and doesn't like using the loo. He just doesn't like anything except playing and TV and babies and being a baby. How is that not on us??

He's tiny!

Whether or not you're a bad parent depends on how you respond to challenging behaviour.

I think you would find many many kids don't like learning and would much rather play or watch TV.

No one else's kids seem to be having screaming fits at uniform and hating to LEARN.

Ohhhhh yes they do!

What is it you think you as parents have done/not done/done 'wrong' to cause the problems you describe OP? What have school said about DS's behaviour/progress when he's there?

DN had a screaming fit yesterday about wearing uniform. She’s 9 and apparently forgot she needed to wear it and could rock up in her party frocks like she did during online lessons. Lockdown made her forgot how much she hates uniform lol.

I agree you shouldn’t be making inferences on your performance as parents based on a child’s behaviour. Children don’t know any better - it’s up to us as parents to explain and manage their boundaries and expectations which is a daily process.

You called him a bad parent! And he’s saying wait a minute, I’m not. YABU.

Sounds like he's just struggling with life changing so much, he's only young and the things you've said are issues, uniform, lessons, toileting, are things that have been big transitions quite recently in his life, he's struggling being grown up. Could you focus on the positives of getting older, things he can do that are fun that that couldn't do when he was little.

As far as your husband goes, I'm with him, I'd be so hurt if DH said what you said.

You literally called him a bad parent. He said he wasn't, and now you're turning his defensiveness rounthat he called you one.

Stop focusing on who you feel is to blame , and focus on helping and supporting ds.

It’s incredibly unfair to call him and bad parent, then when he defends himself, to accuse him of calling you a bad parent. You’ve created a situation in which it’s impossible for him to be right.

To be honest, your son sounds like a typical 5 year old and writing yourselves off as bad parents is like saying he’s a lost cause, which really isn’t the case.

Stop bothering with who said what and concentrate on dealing with your childs behaviour. He doesn't sound that bad just needs a bit of parental guidance. Lots of kids have tantrums. Nearly all. Some have more than others.

I honestly believe our children are full personalities when they're born. Some are loud, some quiet, some love school, some hate it, some like learning, some don't, some like the social side, some don't....

All we can control is how we react to their little personalities, to help them where they struggle and appreciate where they shine.

Reacting with looking for blame is not a positive way forward, please drop the whole idea of blame and think about how you can help your ds shine and support them with what they struggle with. Your idea about magic colour changing sounds great, can he wear something his favourite colour underneath (pants?) or are there elements of his school outfit that can be free choice (e.g. our school doesn't control the colours of coats or bags)?

He just sounds like a very young child who's struggling a bit. Tbh your focus on allocating blame sounds like much more of a problem than your parenting.

Your job is to find out why he dislikes these things

He can't articulate it, I've tried. I've asked gently in specific conversation, I've asked casually as we walk home, he doesn't know, he just doesn't like it.

why he is struggling to make friends in school
He will play with children who ask him but he's a bit on his own world at times, but then will turn around and converse with total strangers on the bus and have a conversation with them. So he isn't shy, he's just not always good at reading when people are paying attention

and how you can help him feel better about it. He doesn't need fixing, he needs support
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Sounds like your child is struggling with school. Not all children are suited to school environments, especially at such a young age. Not sure why that makes you bad parents? I would have probably said the same as your husband to be honest.

I have been through this OP, I would suggest looking into Pathological Demand Avoidance, ASD, ADHD etc and see if any of those behaviours fit your child. The comments about uniform and toileting, as well as not wanting to play with others jumped out at me. MY DS is extremely clever, had no developmental delays at all but it became more obvious as he got older around 6/7 that there were problems with his behaviour, he did all the things you mention above. I was called a ‘bad parent’ by my DH, his school and others. Now he is 9 and we have a diagnosis and lots of professional help (we pay privately for all of it) and things are improving. Your child may be perfectly NT but it is worth looking into.

Op all the time you are sitting wondering where you have gone wrong, have you stopped to think there might be something else going on like ADHD or Autism?