To insist husband is allowed into scan with me?

[Lass67]

Today experienced pain and bleeding in early pregnancy- tried to refer to EPAU which was a shit show in itself and ended up having to go to A&E as GP & midwife insisted wasn’t their responsibility to refer me and no self referrals accepted.

Husband allowed to stay with me in A&E and was a lovely support to be honest. When we finally got to EPAU he was told rather abruptly by receptionist he wasn’t allowed in. I waited hours to be seen alone listening to smooth FM in the waiting room (playing songs about being a parent FFS!) and wringing my hands before being seen by a very lovely doctor who had only been working in gynae a few weeks and struggled to tell me anything but told me my anatomy was ‘awkward’ and I’d need a scan- but by this point five hours after initially trying to get help scanning is shut and I have to come back tomorrow.

I then went out to find my husband sat in the cold with some other sad dads to be -not allowed to be with their partners.

I checked NHS England guidance and it says I’m allowed one support person with me at all points during antenatal care- updated December 2020 in light of Covid-19.
Royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists agree.

Am I being unreasonable tomorrow if I insist on my husband being with me? I feel sick thinking of being told I’ve lost the baby on my own and then having to go outside and find him and have to repeat everything to him. It was hard enough today to retain what was being said. I understand if they want to minimise people in the waiting room but it was half empty and I don’t understand why they’d be able to contravene guidance from the organisation that commissions the service.

[DinosaurDigestive]

It is meant to be guidance as each individual hospital has been making their own decisions depending on the different risk factors involved.

To have a supporter in with each female, it massively decreases the amount that can be seen as they have to massively decrease the amount of chairs and also leave each chair for a set amount of time before anyone else can sit on it.

There are plenty of different procedures in place like this for when the "rules" are relaxed and a supporter is allowed however during a lockdown it isn't as simple as this and the hospital must have their reasons as to why it isn't appropriate in their view to have a second person in just now.

At least this way hopefully all the women that need to get seen will get seen. As like I've said, an additional person limits amount that can be.

Plenty of people have gone through difficult news and the staff have actually got a whole lot better with being as sensitive and supportive as they can as they know ideally partner or supporter would be there.

[TubeOfSmarties]

Most certainly have the guidance to hand and challenge it. Just be prepared for it sill being a no, and be mindful that whoever you are talking to might not like the rule either and is working under challenging circumstances.

It is awful that women are being made to face these situations without the support they need. Sorry to everyone who has been there, and OP I hope you have good news today.

[MyLittleOrangutan]

Ah I dunno. Partners are only allowed for 12 and 20 weeks and labour here. They're the rules. I don't agree with it. But at the same time, its been quite peaceful when I've had to go in recently because there's less people, and less men especially. I would have been uncomfortable with being in the antenatal ward and it being full of bored men, getting in the way, watching loud videos on their phones.
But at other times I'd have liked my husbands support.
If the rules are no partners, then YABU to insist on special treatment. If the rules are you can have a support person then YANBU but you should also share than information with the women who are on their own.

[Roselilly36]

I hope all is well OP. It’s a scary time, of course you want your partner there to support you. Good luck.

[DinosaurDigestive]

I wouldn't recommend calling them going demented as you will only get yourself worked up and stressed out.

Plenty of women get bad news - and I don't mean that in a dismissive way at all - I am included in that.

I also had to not have child's father with me being delivering my child and immediately afterwards due to the timing of it.

I had attended scans on different occasion before by myself and received bad news.

[MummytoCSJH]

I was going to mention, like a previous person, that in some situations (and I really hope not yours OP!!) this also puts the onus on the pregnant woman to tell their partner they have lost their baby. They shouldn't have to do that when they have only just found out and are grieving themselves, it is traumatic enough and could result in women being blamed.

[minniemoocher]

To be honest you are lucky he could go into a&e and could wait inside - I had to wait outside when I took dp (another reason but he couldn't drive himself) reception told me I had to "go home" except it was an hour each way and he would need picking up! (No hospital car park only street parking late at night in a dodgy neighbourhood I didn't know). I have sympathy for those experiencing pregnancy problems but it really is the same rules for all eg my 19 year old couldn't have anyone with her despite having autism.

[OurChristmasMiracle]

I suppose the issue with a clinic such as early pregnancy is that people are only really there if there is some kind of complication and therefore all patients would be entitled to have a second person present which would then mean the hospital wasn’t able to implement social distancing because they just don’t have the space.

It is absolutely shit OP and I completely feel for you. I’ve lost 2 To MMC. One my (now ex) husband was at the scan and one where he wasn’t.

I really do hope it’s just baby giving you a scare and all is well

[Quartz2208]

Oh OP I am so sorry and it is heartbreaking that you are going through this and facing the fear of going through it alone.

But the guidance is just guidance setting out what they need to do in order to complete risk assessments and make it safe and clearly they have different rules at different times. Certainly ask a different person this morning could have a different opinion

[Erkrie]

If the guidance says you can take one other person then I would certainly raise it and ask them why they're not adhering to that.

[Wishing14]

It’s clearly not the same rules for all though, some trusts are better at putting steps in place to allow women support. Trusts not doing so adequately should be questioned and we should go through the complaints process when we feel we are able to in order to make change more likely in these trusts.

[drspouse]

Surely it's MORE important to have someone with you at an early scan, not less?

[DianaT1969]

My gut feeling is the less pregnant women who pick up Covid in hospitals, the better. I would do anything to facilitate that. How about you OP? Knowing that hospitals have been a high source of Covid spread?

[Wondermule]

@drspouse

Surely it's MORE important to have someone with you at an early scan, not less?

I would guess no. If you’re having scans late in pregnancy it generally means there is a concern around your fully developed viable baby. I would say it would be more important to have someone with you then than at an early scan.

[WhySoSensitive]

It’s guidance, which means they don’t have to follow it if they’re finding a majority of their patients aren’t being safe enough.

Sorry for your situation OP, I’ve been there myself multiple times this year and guidance doesn’t mean law.

[Mummaofboys93]

That is a guideline & all hospitals have their own rules in place.

You're not being unreasonable in wanting your partner there but I think insisting won't change anything as I tried to ask when I was told about my MMC.

My partner had to sit & wait in the car when I went to EPAU for a scan for bleeding at 12 weeks, for me to be told the baby had died. They sat me in a room for 2 hours sobbing why I waited for a nurse & DP sat in the car absolutely helpless, within 2 weeks I started passing the baby all very traumatic & not straight forward at all 111 recommended I go to A&E as was bleeding so much. He was still made to wait outside why they pulled everything they could out of me!

I have a friend who is being induced Monday, she is a high risk pregnancy & her partner isn't allowed to be with her until she is in active labour & only able to stay for an hour after the birth, yet I have a friend who gave birth at another hospital who's partner was allowed to stay with her from the moment she got induced until her & baby were allowed home.

[Googlebrained]

Sorry but I think YABU. I'm sure they don't make these decisions lightly. And they are under enough pressure to treat women safely and effectively. They don't need to have to take valuable time dealing with people's complaints during these unprecedented times.

[GirlLovesWorld]

I agree that you should be able to have your husband with you, but I think you'll just end up arguing with a receptionist who has no control whatsoever over the guidance and can't override a decision taken at the highest level.

[YukoandHiro]

It won't happen, so allow yourself to just accept that. Steal yourself... you can get through this, you are strong. Whatever the outcome your partner will be there for you as soon as you leave the building.

[TheBouquets]

It is not as long ago as you would think that husbands etc were not allowed in a maternity hospital at all apart from visiting hours, 1 hour in the afternoon and 1 hour in the evening. The whole labour bit was done without the husband/father being present. Babies once born were put in the nursery and held up to the window for fathers to see.
Currently we are in the throes of a pandemic and we are all expected to cope with things being different from the usual. The reason people are not allowed to visit patients is to stop the virus going in the hospital. It is nothing to do with whose husband is allowed and whose is not. These are the rules throughout every hospital in the UK and not just for your scan.
You are being very unreasonable and selfish.

[MollieBa]

I know you must be upset and stressed out (been there myself) but I think YABU, wasn’t it obvious when you got pregnant that the maternity services aren’t operating in a normal way at the moment? I don’t understand why you thought it would be normal despite the announcement you must have known the situation was difficult, it’s constantly on the tv and radio. If every pregnant woman brings a partner it doubles the number of patients and increases the risks to everyone.

[MacDuffsMuff]

@Nogardenersworld

Are people really saying
- Despite the rules saying you can have someone with you - I couldn’t have anyone with me, so you shouldn’t either. ?!

I’m sorry to the pp who had difficult times, that must have been very hard to deal with. But this isn’t a race to the bottom, women deserve compassionate care, and men deserve to be involved in their children’s lives. If they do not want you to have someone there, the regulations should not permit it.

Op being allowed her partner, or not allowed her partner, won’t effect you and doesn’t change your experience.

This x 100.

Why would anyone who had been in this dreadful situation wish for someone else to experience the same? I don't understand this way of thinking at all.

[BungleandGeorge]

I’m very sorry for your situation, I hope it is good news today. Unfortunately you can’t insist on your partner being there. ‘Guidance’ is not statutory, they don’t have to follow it and it does say within the guidance that the recommendation is subject to covid risk assessment. It would be a good idea to get in touch with someone higher up but the staff in the department will just be going by their risk assessment

[BeeDavis]

You should absolutely insist on it! I had an early pregnancy scan a few weeks ago, was referred through my GP and my fiancé was allowed in the room for the scan! He had to wait outside when I first went in but then was there for the scan! We have our 12 week scan in a couple of week and the letter says I can have one person with me!

[Nala82]

@Sunshinelover2

Jesus Christ, what is this British way of being like 'I've had a shit time, so you should too.'

How about 'I had my scan by myself and I hope you get to go through yours with your partner, so if you have legal proof you are allowed to do it that way - go for it girl!'

It's like tall poppy syndrome. Ignore the bitter ones on here. You are fucking special, this is fucking special - how many times do you get to be pregnant in your whole entire life?!

No, you are not being unreasonable, of course, you shouldn't have to go through this alone - it's sexist bollocks, and it can be stressful for mum and baby. You deserve your hand held by the father of your child when you go for your scan and it should be your right. Good luck lovely!

One million percent correct.