To insist husband is allowed into scan with me?

[Lass67]

Today experienced pain and bleeding in early pregnancy- tried to refer to EPAU which was a shit show in itself and ended up having to go to A&E as GP & midwife insisted wasn’t their responsibility to refer me and no self referrals accepted.

Husband allowed to stay with me in A&E and was a lovely support to be honest. When we finally got to EPAU he was told rather abruptly by receptionist he wasn’t allowed in. I waited hours to be seen alone listening to smooth FM in the waiting room (playing songs about being a parent FFS!) and wringing my hands before being seen by a very lovely doctor who had only been working in gynae a few weeks and struggled to tell me anything but told me my anatomy was ‘awkward’ and I’d need a scan- but by this point five hours after initially trying to get help scanning is shut and I have to come back tomorrow.

I then went out to find my husband sat in the cold with some other sad dads to be -not allowed to be with their partners.

I checked NHS England guidance and it says I’m allowed one support person with me at all points during antenatal care- updated December 2020 in light of Covid-19.
Royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists agree.

Am I being unreasonable tomorrow if I insist on my husband being with me? I feel sick thinking of being told I’ve lost the baby on my own and then having to go outside and find him and have to repeat everything to him. It was hard enough today to retain what was being said. I understand if they want to minimise people in the waiting room but it was half empty and I don’t understand why they’d be able to contravene guidance from the organisation that commissions the service.

[Kokosrieksts]

Please show them the guidance and challenge it. I cannot believe all these posts saying “well, I suffered alone and so should you”. OP is not asking for a special treatment, she’s asking why is the hospital not allowing something that actually should be allowed.

[Felifox]

I think you need to challenge this when you go back. 💕Hope all is well for you

[IndecentFeminist]

It takes a very odd mindset to say "I had a shit time, so it is important that you do too". Isn't it more human to say "I had a shit time, and if possible I don't want to see you have one too"?

To come from the angle that you found something hard, so encourage others not to experience the same?

[Brefugee]

yes yabu, you are no more important than the thousands of other women who have attended scans alone, including me

that was shit for you, i'm sorry it was like that.

But the rules have changed. You wouldn't have wanted a partner in if the rules allowed? Yeah.

[TheLost]

Although it is now permitted most trusts aren’t allowing it except for during routine scans. Even then in my trust the partners cannot wait in the waiting room but are called through a couple of minutes before the scan. I can’t imagine any trust would allow him to wait in there with you, even if they did permit him to join you for the scan.

I hope you get it sorted OP, it must be very worrying

[LJC1234]

@IndecentFeminist

It takes a very odd mindset to say "I had a shit time, so it is important that you do too". Isn't it more human to say "I had a shit time, and if possible I don't want to see you have one too"?

To come from the angle that you found something hard, so encourage others not to experience the same?

Couldn't agree with you more! The responses on here babe baffled me .

[SpanielSprint]

YANBU. The fact that other women have been wronged and let down in this way doesn’t mean everyone else should be too just to make it somehow fair. I really can’t understand that attitude. I think all women should be allowed support at important antenatal appointments and if you turned out to be the start of a trend that returned that basic right, wonderful. There is no harm in asking the question.

[Jeds55]

Hope everything goes well today OP.
I've had bad news at scans both with partner there and without (pre-covid so he couldn't attend for other reasons) and the times he was there were that tiny bit easier. If only to have a second pair of ears to take it all in. All you can do is ask and quote the guideline. I hope he is allowed in.

[Racoonworld]

Op you can ask but they don’t have to say yes. The guidance isn’t law, they don’t have to follow it. Each trust can choose what to implement and if their rooms are too small or they don’t have the staff they don’t have to allow partners. Also as a pp said EPAU isn’t the same as maternity.

[Wishing14]

I find this very odd, when I’ve gone through hardships my mentality is to fight tooth and claw so that other people don’t experience the same... My gran died alone in hospital, the very last thing I want is for your gran to go through the same... guidance is changing and states that the aim is for trusts to allow women to have a support person with them. It doesn’t yet say they have to though. I think it’s extremely important however and I would ask the trust why they are allowing women to sit for hours in an enclosed waiting room - to me this is more of a risk than punctual appointments where the patient is called 5 minutes before appointment time to enter the hospital and be seen by relevant staff. In my trust support person is able to come in for the scan only, and must wait outside for the rest (actually they wait in a crowded corridor which I think is a bit ridiculous). The nhs needs to do more to sort this out is the bottom line, it’s a miss-management problem in my opinion. Clearly what the nhs is doing isn’t working as hospitals are the most likely place you will catch covid.

[Jeds55]

I also spent 5 nights in hospital with my DD pre Xmas and wasn't allowed any visitors at all. Her dad could have come to see her but we would have had to then switch over permanently (and couldn't see her together) so I know how tough covid rules can be but accepted them as they were the rules at the time.

[Frubecube]

EPU comes under gynae, so the guidelines don't apply.

[wingingit987]

Think it's pretty disgusting not to allow partners into scans.

My partner had to wait outside and was only allowed in at the time of our appointment. Thank god our hospital had now said one partner is allowed with you at all times xx

[24YearsAtTheTapEnd]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly

YABU, you're no more important than anyone else 🤔 I've had 2 miscarriages during lockdowns and have had to be given bad news by myself both times, I'm sorry for your situation, and I hope it's good news, but what makes you so special that you can 'insist' the rules are changed just for you?

Sorry for your losses.
But what you're saying is "I was royally fucked over, so you should be too."

It's like saying once a law changes that everyone should still be penalised post law change because all of those before the change were penalised.

Fact is, there's been an update, the OP has discovered it and she can change the experience for herself and every other woman who is in her situation at that hospital , potentially.

Bloody good for you OP.

Go forth and conquer.

[24YearsAtTheTapEnd]

@Frubecube

EPU comes under gynae, so the guidelines don't apply.

What? The OP looked at the guidance of antenatal care.
A pregnant person is antenatal.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

@Racoonworld

Op you can ask but they don’t have to say yes. The guidance isn’t law, they don’t have to follow it. Each trust can choose what to implement and if their rooms are too small or they don’t have the staff they don’t have to allow partners. Also as a pp said EPAU isn’t the same as maternity.

Yes and safety of the staff and minimising the spread of the virus is more important than someone else attending other than the person with the need.

Restrictions have been known about long enough so if choosing to have a child in a pandemic you can’t then really moan when things aren’t normal service.

[savethewales]

The guidance is sadly just guidance, trusts were asked to implement it as quickly as possible before Christmas. However, the new wave of transmission happened and the NHS battened down their hatchets again. I can’t imagine a complaint to PALS or going in guns blazing quoting guidance will really get you anywhere unfortunately.

[SunshineCake]

I really feel for you. Years ago I ended up being scanned alone as dh had to take our two children out as they were restless. I was then told one of my two babies probably wasn't viable but in a lot less kind way. I sometimes wonder if the way I was told has led to the way I feel about losing my baby and dh feels upset that he wasn't with me, though of course not his fault.

Support isn't just vital in the moment it is about the future too.

[Sunhoop]

YANBU. Show them the guidance and be firm. Hopefully they'll waver. If I was in your situation I'd do the same. While I obviously sympathize massively with others who've had bad news alone, that wouldn't make any difference to my own situation.

I hope everything goes okay

[Lass67]

@Frubecube

EPU comes under gynae, so the guidelines don't apply.

Wow so many responses!

Thank you to those who have been sympathetic. I am not intending on ‘kicking off’ at all, however actually after the shit experience I had yesterday I am planning on politely challenging this. I am a HCP myself and appreciate how bad it can be and how hard it can be to deliver good care.

If they say no- well after someone has politely explained the risk assessment they have done and why it’s not allowed- then I’m going to have my husband on phone on speaker as that is what I do for my own patients in some areas.

You can tell me I’m awkward but I’m not sitting in that portacabin waiting room again. My husband wasn’t allowed in the hospital building, to sit in the corridor, or in the canteen, he was forced to sit on a bench outside for 3 hours and I’m sure now I’ll be told I’m unreasonable but I would rather sit outside too with him than sit in there alone again.
Those who say the guidance doesn’t apply are wrong- it specifically mentions EPAU as being included.

[2021WillBeGreat]

Our trust are not allowing partners for any scans routine or otherwise. It sucks but there is nothing you can do about it now.

[littlemisschoclover]

@Nogardenersworld

Are people really saying
- Despite the rules saying you can have someone with you - I couldn’t have anyone with me, so you shouldn’t either. ?!

I’m sorry to the pp who had difficult times, that must have been very hard to deal with. But this isn’t a race to the bottom, women deserve compassionate care, and men deserve to be involved in their children’s lives. If they do not want you to have someone there, the regulations should not permit it.

Op being allowed her partner, or not allowed her partner, won’t effect you and doesn’t change your experience.

This!!

[Sceptre86]

I would challenge it. My dsis went through a miscarriage with her first very much wanted baby and had to attend the scan alone and then find the courage to explain to her dh once she left the scan what had happened. It was horrific for her, the care afterwards was woeful.

I have been lucky so far in that my dh can attend my 12 and 20 week scan I usually have several scans leading and through the third trimester and we don't yet know if he will able to attend. I have children already and so whilst I am aware of how my maternity care works out before having the baby would still want his support when I have meetings with my consultant or am given worrying news, it is a great source of comfort to have someone advocate for you especially if you are upset, emotional and overwhelmed.

I wish you the best of luck in your pregnancy, challenge this and I hope he gets to be with you x

[jessstan2]

He surely didn't have to sit outside the hospital for all those hours, he could have gone home and you rang him to pick you up or get a cab.

Was the portakabin waiting room that uncomfortable? I don't enjoy hospital waiting rooms but they are part of life and you need to go prepared with a decent book.

I hope all was well in the end anyway.

[Livingmagicallyagain]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You may find he’s allowed into the scan but not in the waiting area. In my hospital you simply call/text your partner when you’re called in.

I find this a good balance, as when we found out our son was unwell and at a later visit he had passed away so I would have to deliver, I felt DH was close by supporting me and then allowed in once we found out the worst. Even without covid he still had to be with our other children.

Also, during the delivery of our sleeping Angel I developed an infection which is potentially life threatening. I needed a lot of care and a lot of staff. I’m so glad they are protecting themselves by keeping footfall to an absolute minimum. They also all made so many compassionate visits to me, between their routine appointments, to check I was ok, for which I was thankful.

There’s a balance, each hospital does a risk assessment, and while I’m hoping you receive good news it really isn’t easy either way, but should the worst happen your partner will be there. And you can do this.

The bigger picture is important and has a direct impact on your medical care and that of others, so I’m sure your hospital has thought of everything.

Good luck today.