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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texts from ex girlfriend

105 replies

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 15:23

Nc for this and not enabling voting as already think I am probably the unreasonable one here.
For context, dh and I have been married 5 years and together 12, we have 2 dc, the youngest is 3months.
Last night dh received a text at 11pm (why so late?) from an old girlfriend, his first love that he dated over 30 years ago now. It was a short message, just asking how he was and had 2 kisses at the end. He showed me first thing this morning as, coincidentally, he had mentioned her the other day and he was surprised to hear from her. I asked him if he was going to reply. I wish I hadn't. Jealousy is my worst trait. It doesn't show often but when it does I dont think as rationally as I should. He said he was as it was like catching up with an old friend, that she checks in every 10 years or so.
I dont think he should message her back. I wouldn't message any of my ex partners our of respect for DH. I dont think anything untoward is happening but we are so tired with the new baby and toddler and I dont have much energy past a quick hug and a chat right now. I don't want him to think the grass is greener.
Also, it's been years, what could they have in common now? It's not like catching up with a mate at the pub, it's talking to someone you were once intimate with. I know I'm showing my ugly flaws here, I'm overthinking and showing some insecurities but would you be ok with it?

OP posts:
lioncitygirl · 08/03/2021 22:03

its all about they type of person you are i suppose - and this is not a 'cool girl' thing. Its what youre comfortable with. My husband speaks to his ex's, doesn't bother me, all transparent. I speak to my ex once a year, on his birthday, and he does the same to me. I congratulated him on the birth of his daughter a while ago. If you dont like it, then speak to your husband about it.

maddy68 · 08/03/2021 22:03

Really? I'm in contact with loads of my ex's. It's nice to catch up with old friends (which is what they are )

Christmasfairy2020 · 08/03/2021 22:16

Hmmm id be pissed of why has she got his no

ChristOnAPeloton · 08/03/2021 22:26

I wonder if she’s doing AA- or some other self-discovery/therapy thingummy?

It reminds me of the book High Fidelity where he goes around apologising to all his ex’s.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/03/2021 22:51

I have 3 exes, still friends with 2 and see them a few times a year (or would normally anyway). One is married other is single. I didn't want to stay with them but the reasons we got on are still there and a lot was shared, I would definitely not ever get back together with them but there is a friendship there that almost feels a bit like family. I don't speak to them or message often and any communication is always completely open and above board (wouldn't send them kisses!). The married one I normally communicate via his wife as we are friends.
The other ex was less of an amicable split but we are still speaking and I do get in touch with him occasionally (once a year maybe), usually for work purposes, but it's also nice just to know how he's getting on.
My partner has an ex and he sends her the odd message which is fine by me.
For us it's normal but I don't think it's unreasonable to feel concerned especially when you've just had a baby. It can be a bit of a weird time as you don't feel that attractive etc. Talk to your husband about how you feel - but I wouldn't try to stop him replying, as one text in 10 years is very unlikely to make him run off.

muppette · 08/03/2021 23:14

30 years is ... nothing. You're quite right.

If it was a strong connection, then it's still there.

Trust me, I know this from experience.

Thirty years is like a small side-step. Just crossing a line in the road.

I understand why you feel jealous. I think probably though there's no chance of any practical connection. So let him say hi. It's just life. He's not going anywhere. But you can't erase his past and where he came from.

muppette · 08/03/2021 23:15

@Eugenieonegin

As it’s such a long time ago it may be that the catch up is about someone they both knew a long time ago. I had an ex contact me that someone had died tragically that we knew, and he didn’t want me to find out on social media, or from the inquest report. It was appreciated, we caught up and that was it. So it can just come from a genuine good place and be treated as such.
Nah. Not if they had really good sex.

It's always about the sex. Let's not kid ourselves here.

Howtomakeevery1 · 08/03/2021 23:19

What made him speak of her? Is it an anniversary of a time, they and their friends did something memorable and hence why they were both thought of each other?

FireflyRainbow · 08/03/2021 23:23

Yabvu! My first bf from age 14 to around 16 or 17 is like family to me still even though we are old now. Text him yday actually as he has depression so I checked in, my partner has absolutely nothing to worry about.

FireflyRainbow · 08/03/2021 23:25

If it's an ex from adulthood it's probably different to my childhood first love though 😂🙈

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 08/03/2021 23:36

I think the last year overall, but certainly the last few months has given people pause for thought. I know I thought back to people I haven't seen in years, and I'm some cases exchanged messages. I think you're sleep deprived and still have some hormones interfering.
It's not like she sent messages asking if he's single or anything incriminating.

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 09/03/2021 00:03

YANBU, I wouldn't like this either.

Snowball70 · 09/03/2021 00:20

Being in touch exes fine, but when the contact affects your current relationship, then that is not fine and needs to be talked about. Clear up any misunderstandings.

Remaining friends with exes is common, particularly with the use of social media but prioritise the needs of your current relationship too 🌺

BobOrKate · 09/03/2021 00:38

I got in touch with a schoolfriend after 30 years recently because the singer of an obscure band we both liked had died. We had a little catch up, it was a really bright spot in a very dull few months.

Over the years I have had a few people message, some ex's, it's always felt positive.
My school would not recognise me.
My parents moved town 20 years ago.
I'm irrelevant to my old work places, university, old homes, etc. A quick catch up is a time machine to these places not a permanent change.

BobOrKate · 09/03/2021 00:40

I probably wouldn't get in touch with any one night stands! It's more about the time and location than the deed.

Lonelyflower80 · 09/03/2021 02:17

YANBU I would feel that same way as you. Now I'm not saying I think anything bad is going on. The fact he told you about it is great sign. I just personally dont like my DH texting any other women apart from his family and colleagues :) And I think it's human nature to feel how you are x

MrMucker · 09/03/2021 06:46

@Lonelyflower80

YANBU I would feel that same way as you. Now I'm not saying I think anything bad is going on. The fact he told you about it is great sign. I just personally dont like my DH texting any other women apart from his family and colleagues :) And I think it's human nature to feel how you are x
You keep awareness of whether your DH has texted any women? No, that is certainly not human nature, even if it is common. It is a mind set of personal insecurity which has not yet needed to be challenged.
minmooch · 09/03/2021 07:14

For those of you still in contact with your exes, if they were so great why are you not still together?

I'm still friends with a couple of ex boyfriends. They were and still are lovely people whom I had the most beautiful relationships with. But we were young and had different things to do. Im still fond of them but have no ulterior motive and enjoy catching up with them and their partners if I'm ever in their part of the country/world.

I'm still friends with my exhusband and his wife. My oh likes them both too and (pre COVID) we all get together once in a while with family from all sides.

Krazynights34 · 09/03/2021 07:17

OP.. I sometimes think of the past (not my “romantic” past) and someone might pop into my mind. I’d often text them or email. Friends, old work colleagues etc. I’m a bit sentimental at times.
Also - if I’m drinking booze... which at 11pm, she probably was... she might just have been doing something as innocent as clearing out her emails and suddenly thought oh I wonder how x is and sent a text..?
A lot depends on the person in question and what their life is like. She didn’t make any untoward remarks and he told you straight away. Maybe she has bad intentions but on the face of it you have no cause to worry

Original poster
Marshallorchase · 09/03/2021 07:52

@Krazynights34

OP.. I sometimes think of the past (not my “romantic” past) and someone might pop into my mind. I’d often text them or email. Friends, old work colleagues etc. I’m a bit sentimental at times. Also - if I’m drinking booze... which at 11pm, she probably was... she might just have been doing something as innocent as clearing out her emails and suddenly thought oh I wonder how x is and sent a text..? A lot depends on the person in question and what their life is like. She didn’t make any untoward remarks and he told you straight away. Maybe she has bad intentions but on the face of it you have no cause to worry
Thank you, realistically, I know it will be something like this over anything else. On the surface, nothing seemed untoward and I appreciate DH showing me. I'm so tired with the baby that I don't always think rationally, I don't feel like my usual self right now either.
OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 09/03/2021 08:25

I just personally dont like my DH texting any other women apart from his family and colleagues smile And I think it's human nature to feel how you are x

Sorry, but it's not "human nature". It's controlling. Telling a partner they can't communicate with over half of population is just not fine and in my books it's basis for break up. This is how one ex started. "No. All other man want to sleep with you. So no talking to them" It ended up with him accusing me of cheating with my female friend because no one else was around anymore, but he was still an insecured jealous looser (who in the end cheated at me🤦). I absolutely don't tolerate any behaviour like this. And no. I don't catch up with this one😂

SchrodingersImmigrant · 09/03/2021 08:26

It will settle, OP.

Lonelyflower80 · 09/03/2021 16:48

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I just personally dont like my DH texting any other women apart from his family and colleagues smile And I think it's human nature to feel how you are x

Sorry, but it's not "human nature". It's controlling. Telling a partner they can't communicate with over half of population is just not fine and in my books it's basis for break up. This is how one ex started. "No. All other man want to sleep with you. So no talking to them" It ended up with him accusing me of cheating with my female friend because no one else was around anymore, but he was still an insecured jealous looser (who in the end cheated at me🤦). I absolutely don't tolerate any behaviour like this. And no. I don't catch up with this one😂

I said its human nature to feel the way the OP is NOT the way I feel. Also I never said I tell my DH he cannot text other women, I said I don't LIKE it when he texts other woman, other than the ones I know his relationship with e.g. family, colleagues. I, in my opinion which I'm entitled to, don't think that's controlling.
Original poster
Marshallorchase · 10/03/2021 20:44

Thanks for all your help, everyone. Dh and had a great chat (about everything!) And we've managed to sort it Smile

OP posts:
DropDTuning · 10/03/2021 20:53

@maddy68 Really? I'm in contact with loads of my ex's. It's nice to catch up with old friends (which is what they are

Do you define 'friend' as someone who has had an orgasm inside your body, then?

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