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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Texts from ex girlfriend

105 replies

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 15:23

Nc for this and not enabling voting as already think I am probably the unreasonable one here.
For context, dh and I have been married 5 years and together 12, we have 2 dc, the youngest is 3months.
Last night dh received a text at 11pm (why so late?) from an old girlfriend, his first love that he dated over 30 years ago now. It was a short message, just asking how he was and had 2 kisses at the end. He showed me first thing this morning as, coincidentally, he had mentioned her the other day and he was surprised to hear from her. I asked him if he was going to reply. I wish I hadn't. Jealousy is my worst trait. It doesn't show often but when it does I dont think as rationally as I should. He said he was as it was like catching up with an old friend, that she checks in every 10 years or so.
I dont think he should message her back. I wouldn't message any of my ex partners our of respect for DH. I dont think anything untoward is happening but we are so tired with the new baby and toddler and I dont have much energy past a quick hug and a chat right now. I don't want him to think the grass is greener.
Also, it's been years, what could they have in common now? It's not like catching up with a mate at the pub, it's talking to someone you were once intimate with. I know I'm showing my ugly flaws here, I'm overthinking and showing some insecurities but would you be ok with it?

OP posts:

pinkhousesarebest · 08/03/2021 19:44

I would not like it at all. Also, does she not have her own life? I would have no interest in what any of my exes are doing.

ILoveSlipperss · 08/03/2021 20:03

@Chloemol

YABU. It’s 30 years ago, just grow up

You seem such a lovely person. Would you say that to a friends face? Or just people you don’t know behind a screen?

Snowball70 · 08/03/2021 20:21

OP I understand completely

Facebook is infamous for long lost exes catching up for a chat, then leaving to set up home together, leaving a trail of hurt behind

So I don't think it's unreasonable to feel uneasy, we are non of us perfect.

🌺

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 20:25

Facebook is infamous for long lost exes catching up for a chat, then leaving to set up home together, leaving a trail of hurt behind

Is it? Is it really? Because this is first I heard this claim.

Let's be frank. If your partner wants to dip elsewhere, they will dip elsewhere whether it's on facebook ex or someone at work or random in pub. Syopping perfectly innocent "How do you do. Long time no see, how is your sibling" isn't going to stop anyone cheating if they want to

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 20:25

Although I know OP isn't. I forgot to reply to earlier post as well.

RampantIvy · 08/03/2021 20:35

Facebook is infamous for long lost exes catching up for a chat, then leaving to set up home together, leaving a trail of hurt behind

I thought it was Friends Reunited where this happened.

Original poster

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 20:41

For those of you still in contact with your exes, if they were so great why are you not still together?

OP posts:

AlrightTreacle · 08/03/2021 20:41

A couple of years alone, one of my friends got a "hey, long time, how are you?" message on Facebook from one of her ex boyfriends. They ended up having an affair for over a year. Her husband never found out.

I wouldn't like it either OP, lots of "cool wives" posting on here, but I think it's normal to feel a bit off about a random text out of the blue after 10/30 years.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 20:44

@Marshallorchase

For those of you still in contact with your exes, if they were so great why are you not still together?

Different life goals and just wasn't meant to be. I have few I bloody hate😂 But most were alright. Just not The mr right. Nothing wrong on either side. We were still in same circles so continued to be mates. I moved abroad then

TedMullins · 08/03/2021 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 20:54

Calm down @TedMullins, no need to be like that.

OP posts:

GhostCurry · 08/03/2021 20:54

“I wouldn't message any of my ex partners our of respect for DH.”

“Even though I split with my exes amicably, I have no desire to contact any of them.”

Which is it, OP?

Original poster

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 20:58

@GhostCurry

“I wouldn't message any of my ex partners our of respect for DH.”

“Even though I split with my exes amicably, I have no desire to contact any of them.”

Which is it, OP?

Both. If they contacted me first, I wouldn't respond our of respect for DH. I also have no desire to make the first contact and reach out to them.

OP posts:

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 21:06

Do you really think it's disrespectful to catch up about how is life and then just go separate ways again? Why? I find that thing odd a bit, bit saw it few times on here.

Standrewsschool · 08/03/2021 21:07

Maybe ex was having a Facebook google of old ex/school friends and realised she still had dh’s number, so texted it. She probably didn’t expect dh to pick it up straight away.

How does. Dh talk about ex - the one that got away, or just part of the past? Thirty years is a long time. He told you about the text, so isn’t hiding it.

TedMullins · 08/03/2021 21:13

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Do you really think it's disrespectful to catch up about how is life and then just go separate ways again? Why? I find that thing odd a bit, bit saw it few times on here.

I agree, it’s silly. Disrespectful would be secretly messaging and flirting. Hi, how are you, what’s new? Not disrespectful.

Original poster

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 21:21

@standrewsschool Dh has been completely transparent and I did say in the beginning, this is definitely my flaws and insecurities coming out. This was his first love but he's never over the top about it and never really mentions her. It was just coincidental that he was speaking about her and then the next day she messaged. I haven't stopped him from texting her or asked anything like that of him. I guess it's just one of those things that makes me uncomfortable and it's a flaw in my character.

@schrodingersimmigrant that type of content, of course, isn't disrespectful. I find it hard to understand the initial reaching out and the why behind it. Again, it's my insecurities that make me feel this way, something I have to work on.

OP posts:

MrMucker · 08/03/2021 21:39

@Marshallorchase

For those of you still in contact with your exes, if they were so great why are you not still together?

What a fatuous question! Are you really unable to distinguish between friendship and partnership?

TheFiend · 08/03/2021 21:41

I’m still in contact with my first ever boyfriend, from 25 years ago. We dated from the age of 15-24 and lived together for a while. We split amicable as we’d grown apart and become more like siblings. We may not be in regular contact but we’re Facebook friends, say happy bday, merry Xmas etc. I’ve known him since primary school so we check in. I was very close to his younger brother and sister and ask after them occasionally. We’re both married with dc now and there’s nothing untoward, it’s just nice to catch up once in a while. Dh still speaks to his ex from uni occasionally. I have no problem with it at all.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 21:47

People reach out like this for various reasons. Little sly on facebook and someone popping up as suggestion, some had some nostalgic diacussion and did "oh, I wonder how x is". It's nosyness in some way😁 Some have ulterior motives like "aw I so want to visit where you live but hotels are expensive" or yeah. Even the flirting. But these usually show pretty quickly.
Sometimes people's paths separate, but it's just nice to exchange few pleasantries as check if the other one is atill alive if you were on good terms before. It's same like messaging an old friend.
I even see few sometimes when I visit my town I am from and we get a beer (as a group) though I met with one just us because no one else had time and I had just an afternoon there. Dh knew.
Dh's ex was our good friend as well for years.

Runmybathforme · 08/03/2021 21:52

@Outbutnotoutout

Seems a coincidence he mentioned her, then up she pops on text.

I wouldn't be happy with him making contact, especially while you are both in the throws of small people tiredness, "grass is greener" "memories of a simpler time" "reminiscing of their romance"

Nah

This. I would definitely be a bit suspicious, and I’m not a jealous person, just realistic.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 21:55

These things happen. Swear to god. Kind of like when you pick up your phone to call someone and "bing" there is a message from them or the call.
😂 It always freaks me out

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 21:56

But yes. It's an odd coincidence, but it can be either

Snowball70 · 08/03/2021 21:59

OP you don't need justification from randoms online to validate your feelings. This situation is leaving you uncomfortable and that's real.

We can log off, but this is your life OP, and I think you should always trust your instincts. 🌺

Reinventinganna · 08/03/2021 22:00

No reason for him to reply. Neither are the person that they were 30 years ago although they may think they are.

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