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AIBU?

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Original poster

Texts from ex girlfriend

105 replies

Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 15:23

Nc for this and not enabling voting as already think I am probably the unreasonable one here.
For context, dh and I have been married 5 years and together 12, we have 2 dc, the youngest is 3months.
Last night dh received a text at 11pm (why so late?) from an old girlfriend, his first love that he dated over 30 years ago now. It was a short message, just asking how he was and had 2 kisses at the end. He showed me first thing this morning as, coincidentally, he had mentioned her the other day and he was surprised to hear from her. I asked him if he was going to reply. I wish I hadn't. Jealousy is my worst trait. It doesn't show often but when it does I dont think as rationally as I should. He said he was as it was like catching up with an old friend, that she checks in every 10 years or so.
I dont think he should message her back. I wouldn't message any of my ex partners our of respect for DH. I dont think anything untoward is happening but we are so tired with the new baby and toddler and I dont have much energy past a quick hug and a chat right now. I don't want him to think the grass is greener.
Also, it's been years, what could they have in common now? It's not like catching up with a mate at the pub, it's talking to someone you were once intimate with. I know I'm showing my ugly flaws here, I'm overthinking and showing some insecurities but would you be ok with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 17:14

@Outbutnotoutout

Seems a coincidence he mentioned her, then up she pops on text.

I wouldn't be happy with him making contact, especially while you are both in the throws of small people tiredness, "grass is greener" "memories of a simpler time" "reminiscing of their romance"

Nah

He didn't have her number stored in his phone so definitely a coincidence. She's kept his number after all this time. I have no idea what to do now.
OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 17:14

Yabu as you know.
I sometimes get catch up texts from exes and happily answer. It's usually just few messages of "how you doing? I had a kid last month" "aww congrats i blablabla".
It's kind of nice. My DH knows, he has no idsue with who I text with. And vice versa.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/03/2021 17:15

I have to say that I would be very concerned if DH tried to ban me from that biyearly catch ups...

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 17:16

What do you mean what to do. It’s ok for him to talk to ex’s. Particularly every ten years. There’s nothing to be done. It’s none of your business. He’s allowed to talk to people from his past.

haveapieceoftoast · 08/03/2021 17:18

i have no idea what to do now

Er, nothing?

BIWI · 08/03/2021 17:18

I'm also still in touch with my school years boyfriend (we were an item for 2 years), and that was back in 1975. But there's no likelihood we'll ever get back together again.

People can remain friends with their ex-partners.

DavidsSchitt · 08/03/2021 17:19

There's nothing to do other than calm yourself. An old friend sent a catch up text, he's going to exchange pleasantries. That's all.

Outbutnotoutout · 08/03/2021 17:20

Ask him how he would feel if you had a test from an old flame, would he be happy with you reminsing about your past lives together?

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 17:21

@Outbutnotoutout

Ask him how he would feel if you had a test from an old flame, would he be happy with you reminsing about your past lives together?
Um what makes you think they are reminiscing? Sounds like just a catch up on how are you to me.
Original poster
Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 17:21

@haveapieceoftoast

i have no idea what to do now

Er, nothing?

I'm actually going to do what your username says and have a cup of tea with it too. Then try and get a nap.
OP posts:
CallMeCleo · 08/03/2021 17:25

When I was 60 I accidentally stumbled across my very first proto-boyfriend from when I was 13. It was on FB so I sent him a message. I saw his pics: he was bald, wrinkly, flabby, barely recognisable. Me too though not bald. He lives100 miles away. I was happily attached. I messaged him wanting to reminisce about all the funny things that happened, to check a few details with him that I have forgotten, and to ask after his little brothers and sisters, who we used to babysit, just out of curiosity as to what they did with their lives.

He told his wife and she put an instant stop to it. Ridiculous.

fluffysocks89 · 08/03/2021 17:32

Of course you’ll feel a bit jealous. This wesnt an old friend, it was his first love. She shouldn’t be messaging him really, he is part of her past. I wouldn’t dream of upsetting someone’s wife by messaging an old flame like that.

1FootInTheRave · 08/03/2021 17:33

I wouldn't like it tbh.

And I would be perplexed if any of my old flames sent me a catch up message.

RampantIvy · 08/03/2021 17:39

Yes we did! I got my first one in 1996 - 24 years ago!

Six years later than 30 years ago then Smile. I'm not convinced that a lot of people had mobiles in 1990. I got my first brick mobile in 1994.

RampantIvy · 08/03/2021 17:39

1995, not 1994

Dayafterday · 08/03/2021 17:42

I wouldn’t be keen on that myself.

Osirus · 08/03/2021 17:45

Why be so jealous? There’s obviously nothing going on.

When we were on holiday with DH’s family he decided to go and visit his ex prior to our relationship, as she lived nearby. She was quite obsessed with him when they split up. Now that I didn’t mind. What I did mind was having to explain to his family where he’d gone. That was embarrassing, and I think because I felt like they expected me not to happy about it, as most people wouldn’t.

MrMucker · 08/03/2021 18:05

It depends on why you get a BF/GF in the first place.
If your choice of partner is based on the fact that you actually like them, then yeah, keeping in touch is a special thing. More than just ok, it is special. It is an actual friend.
But lots of people have said they would not keep in touch with ex's-well, why did you get with them in the first place if they weren't somebody you had any sort of connection with?
I keep in touch with ex's, and with two of them am also friendly with their current partner.
But I've also been blocked by one ex's new wife, which, as somebody else said, is ridiculous.
It is she who will end up lonely.
Don't push yourself into a lonely box of possessiveness OP.

Original poster
Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 18:38

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I have to say that I would be very concerned if DH tried to ban me from that biyearly catch ups...
I haven't banned him!
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 08/03/2021 19:02

I do find it bizarre that people are expected to erase any trace of their sexual and romantic history when they are in a new relationship.

It's just not reasonable to expect someone to cut out anyone from their life who they were once close to. If you had grounds to suspect he was having an affair or meeting in secret it would be different. This is someone from the dim and distant past, its a friendly hello and he's been totally transparent with you about it.

Former lovers often turn into something quite different after the romantic part of the relationship has ended: a very close friend of mine is now married to one of my first serious boyfriends and I am good friends with him. It wouldn't occur to her to order him not to be friendly with me because we dated way back when.

His past is none of your business unless and until it starts to corrode your relationship. If you try to police his contact with other women he will come to resent you for it.

You just need to deal with it.

BrownFootStool · 08/03/2021 19:05

I'm the type of ex who will message just to see how people are. I do it cos I feel a nostalgic fondness and am geuninely interested in what they are up to. That's all. I'm friends with a few exes as a result of this. Nothing more to it.

Original poster
Marshallorchase · 08/03/2021 19:10

@BrownFootStool

I'm the type of ex who will message just to see how people are. I do it cos I feel a nostalgic fondness and am geuninely interested in what they are up to. That's all. I'm friends with a few exes as a result of this. Nothing more to it.
Thanks for the different perspective! Dh is still not home from work so if he brings it up, we can chat about it.
OP posts:
WhitePhantom · 08/03/2021 19:35

I have sporadic contact with a couple of exes - mainly the one I broke up with just before I got together with DH.

I have no romantic interest whatsoever in him, and am pretty sure he doesn't in me either, but I care about him.

He's a lovely guy, and I enjoy knowing how he is, same as any old friend. We'll message happy Christmas or happy birthday or whatever, and have a quick catch-up re work, kids, life in general. Why wouldn't we?!

user1493494961 · 08/03/2021 19:36

I wouldn't like it either OP.

Sunhoop · 08/03/2021 19:44

Nope this wouldn't wash with me either. Female friends - no problem. Ex girlfriends - not the same thing. I wouldn't be happy about it and would tell him so. I imagine he wouldn't be happy if the roles were reversed either.

It's unnecessary and while nothing bad may come of it, nothing good will either. YANBU.

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