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AIBU?

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Original poster

In being surprised that people hate me

111 replies

wusbanker · 08/03/2021 01:09

I have found out recently that two people who I've not seen in years, and who I thought I was reasonably friendly with, both tell people that they hate me! I don't know why. I'm 25 and haven't seen these girls since I was about 18, they're unrelated situations and my feelings are just a bit hurt... Plus I'm now paranoid that there are more!

Has this happened to anyone else? How do I stop obsessing over it?

OP posts:
Ginevere · 08/03/2021 10:27

Tbh I always assume that there are people out there who don’t really like me, simply because there are people I don’t really like. Not because they’ve done anything, and not enough to say anything or cause issues, but just because not everyone is everyone else’s cup of tea.

I’ve always taken the view that someone else’s opinion of me is none of my business.

browny1981 · 08/03/2021 10:29

I know you probably feel hurt and self conscious about this but bear in mind these people are still emotionally in year 9 at school and haven't moved on. Say to yourself I'm not really that fussed if a bunch of immature arseholes don't like me and laugh. Seriously if they are that childish it's best you know now rather than invest any more adult attention in any aquantaince or friendship with them.
I say "them" because even if there's one ringleader, at 25 you'd expect most people to be able to make their own minds up regarding social mixing rather than relying on the leader of the pack.
Jealousy, something that's triggered a dislike and such are things beyond your control and will probably happen again in life. I wouldn't pay any more attention to it and don't let it affect your confidence and trust in future mature adult friendships.

Branleuse · 08/03/2021 10:30

You cant be everyones cup of tea, so not even worth trying.
Odd that they feel so strongly about you when you neither see them much, nor harbour any negative feelings towards them.. Says more about them than about you

Amdone123 · 08/03/2021 10:35

That's a great statement from pp about not everyone liking you. I remember at school, I stood up for someone being bullied, and didn't give a toss about my previously close friends falling out with me. During a reunion a few years ago, 'close' friend reminded me of this, and even though she was now an adult, she was still amazed that I took this 'risk'. The mind boggles. Some people just don't grow up.

B33Fr33 · 08/03/2021 10:42

I discovered that there were rumours about me when I got divorced surrounding a close friend that I'd seduced him and hit his girlfriend. It's bollocks. So they don't friend me on SM ..... I don't care! If we were close then they'd know or at least ask. I wouldn't worry about whatever misunderstanding is in your past.

imalmostthere · 08/03/2021 10:42

I've had this op. Turned out someone who I thought was a friend had spread some pretty awful rumours about me in college. Including that I was lining up blokes and shagging them in the toilets. To this day people think that's true! To start with I was gutted, now I find it hilarious that anyone believed it. I've only slept with two People in my life, and one is my husband, who I've been with for 13 years and met in college!
Honestly, some people never grow up, or out live the need for drama. Ignore it. I smile and laugh anytime I see any of them now x

BearSoFair · 08/03/2021 10:42

I had similar a while back, someone I thought of as quite a close friend suddenly removed me on all social media out of the blue, then I heard from a mutual friend that she apparently hates me! God knows why, I did dwell on it for a while but now I just think of it like this: I, as far I'm aware, did nothing wrong. If I did she chose not to tell me or deal with it maturely. I'm not the one so miserable that I'm bitching to other people. I'm getting on with my life and am perfectly happy! I think I have the better deal out of me and her Smile

TellingBone · 08/03/2021 10:43

@wusbanker

The first one was I saw someone from school in the supermarket and he said "x won't be happy with me talking to you" so I asked why and he said that she's hated me for years but he didn't give a reason, I was taken aback and a bit embarrassed so didn't ask, then I checked and she and all her 'girl group' have deleted me on all social media.

The second one was because a close friend of mine was organising a mini reunion with an acquaintance and she said that this girl wouldn't come if I was invited because she hates me, again didn't say why.

This pair aren't your friends either. Who on earth says something like 'xxx won't be happy with me talking to you'? It's playground stuff.

As for the second one - the 'close friend' - why did s/he even mention that to you? A good friend wouldn't, even if it was true which I doubt.

Dacquoise · 08/03/2021 10:44

Couple of things I have realised in my 55 years on the planet:

  1. Not everyone is going to 'like' to you, in the same way you are not going to 'like' everyone you meet. There is no right or wrong about it, it just happens. Once you accept that, it's very empowering as it means turning yourself inside out to be 'liked' by everyone you meet is a complete waste of time.
  1. Groups of people can sometimes create a dysfunctional dynamic that needs to scapegoat someone as the 'bad' person. This can be family groups, it can also be friendship groups. If you are the 'bad' person we can feel good about ourselves being the 'good' ones and to reinforce you as the 'bad' one we need to gossip about you behind your bad, recruit other people against you and make a show of ostracising you by blocking you from social media etc.

However, as the 'bad' one you have had a very lucky escape. There is nothing wrong with you, you haven't done anything wrong which is why you are so confused about it.

Just keep away from these people as I can guarantee they will turn on some other poor soul and it starts all over again.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/03/2021 10:46

@PutItInNeutral

My opinion of someone who said this to me wouldn’t be great. What motivates someone to tell a friend that they’re hated. I’d be keeping a wide birth from these people, they clearly enjoy spreading upset.
THIS ^

What a nasty, spiteful, unnecessary comment.

And most probably not true.

DryAsABone · 08/03/2021 10:46

There were a bunch of girls at school who openly hated me, bitched and minorly bullied me. It upset me for years and I couldn't understand what I'd done. I met one of them years later at a godawful school reunion and she was being nice to me so I asked her about it. She said something like, "oh yeah, it was because you had an English accent (I'm in Scotland). We thought you were a bit snobby. That's all it was". So that was apparently all it took for them to behave like that....

It'll be something utterly stupid like that OP. No time for people throwing around the word "hate" like that. It's ridiculously over-dramatic. What they really mean is, "took a random dislike to her when my boyfriend of the time glanced at her for too long" or something similarly utterly trivial and forgettable. Stupid bitchy drama queens by the sounds of it, whatever it's about. You're better off in the present with your current and real friends who know and love you as an adult. I sympathise though. It's horrible - this sort of shit.

user64332 · 08/03/2021 10:47

OP they sound awful, in particular the acquaintance and friend who passed on these messages that they hate you. So immature and insensitive.

If you don't know why they 'hate' you then it makes me think you have something obvious they are jealous about, you are beautiful or wealthy or successful. What struck me was you mentioned them being able to see your Instagram. Are you an influencer? Or do you post endless selfies on there? I am really suspicious that an over the top or successful social media account could be the root of this?

Boxtroll · 08/03/2021 10:47

The person in the supermarket is nothing but a stirrer. They are the ones to watch out for.

They take things out of context and spread them around.

bluebluediary · 08/03/2021 11:05

In my experience (and something similar has happened to me, a group pile-on by a clique who I'd thought were friends), this is always because of their own jealousy, insecurity and immaturity. It's usually instigated by one member of that group, then they feed off each other.

I'm generally a huge cheerleader for women, but it saddens me how some get stuck in that playground behaviour. It's hurtful to be at the receiving end, but the almost certain knowledge that they're personally lacking in something might be some support to cut them out and move on if you haven't already.

I've never seen a group of men do the same.

OldRailer · 08/03/2021 11:07

But it's a man stirring.

SweatyBetty20 · 08/03/2021 11:09

People have long memories. I'm nearly 50 and refused to be treated (or even on the same ward) by a girl who bullied me at school who was now a nurse. Hate is a very strong word and I don't use it lightly, but I hate her and what she put me through for seven years. I'm a much stronger person than I was as a kid, but although it's irrational, I don't want that woman anywhere near me. I'm not frightened of her - I just don't want her in my life, even on the fringes.

IrisW · 08/03/2021 11:11

This is horrible and YANBU to be upset. If there’s no reason you have deliberately done something to harm them, the chalk this up to them being a pair of immature arseholes - the person you met in the supermarket is just as bad. Someone once told me that if someone is trying to give me negativity and I don’t take this from them, then they are the person left holding the negativity, not you.

Loopyloututu2 · 08/03/2021 11:38

It rtft but the guy you bumped into in the supermarket sounds vile and like an absolute shit-stirrrer. I can’t stand people who do stuff like this - it’s like dropping a stink bomb in a crowded room and then running off and leaving others with the aftermath. Purely for his own please and entertainment. Nasty piece of work.
And as for the old school “friends” you say yourself you haven’t seen them for years or kept in touch so who gives a flying fuck?!

Loopyloututu2 · 08/03/2021 11:38

**pleasure

FlyingByTheSeatof · 08/03/2021 11:46

Basically sounds like someone has lied about you to the others.

Nenevalleykayaker · 08/03/2021 12:02

@Dacquoise has it summed up perfect.

Theythinkitsalloveritisnow · 08/03/2021 12:11

They sound incredibly childish and haven't moved on from the schoolyard "you can't be in our gang" crap. Stick with your real friends and try not to give these immature arseholes any head space

ginghamtablecloths · 08/03/2021 12:16

I wouldn't worry too much as everyone can't love you. They hate the 18 year old you and haven't seen you for years. You've all grown up a bit since then, one hopes. I'm sure there are loads of people who do like you so don't focus on those who don't.

thecatsthecats · 08/03/2021 12:24

There's a woman I know who I've met maybe a maximum of twenty times in my life. A very close friend of a very close friend of mine.

I'd say I hate her.

She's brash, she's offensive with her insecurities (she's insecure and it manifests as put downs to other people to big herself up). She makes careless decisions that hurt other people, including my friend.

She's a very damaged person and she adds no value to my life and I occasionally interact with her. But I don't dwell deeply on it. Occasionally, I'll say, "God, I hate Amy" to a mutual friend who also has minimal contact with her. It isn't a deep hatred.

I've no doubt there are people out there who know a fraction of my life who hate me based on that. I don't mind.

Flowerysocks · 08/03/2021 12:34

I remember a girl at school saying this. She didn't hate me, she fancied my boyfriend Grin