How high up do you come in your own life?

[Hedoesntsuitaponytail]

I realised the other day that I managed to curl my hair with my straighteners for the first time in almost three years. Since I had Dd 2,7 years ago, I don’t wear perfume, rarely do my hair properly, wear make up or spend money on treats for myself or lovely clothes/magazines/books..anything really. I found it sad the other night when I realised my only real form of caring for myself is using my moisturiser at night. I don’t work out anymore, as when would I really fit it in 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m ok with it and realise things change when you have a child..but it’s starting to be in my mind recently that I want ‘Myself’ back, if that makes sense?
I notice different mums for example, some have beautiful new clothes, hair done, the children have average clothes, they go to the gym or take time out for hobbies.
Then I notice other mums, a bit more frazzled and not as well out together (cue me, currently!) but the children are very well turned out etc.
Basically, I’m starting to think I give to me of myself, every bit of cash is for my Dd-clothes, books, toys, art supplies..every bit of time is devoted to her..this is fine but I’m feeling like it’s my time a little more.

How high up in the list of priorities do you come in your own life?

*Too much of myself

Pretty high. I’ve got a toddler so some things have changed but I make time for nice long showers, do my nails, have a hobby, buy and read books I like, make time with DH, time to chat to friends etc. A lot of my life is about doing things with and for her but I don’t think I’ve lost myself and I want to give her a good example by looking after myself so she learns to do the same for herself. No one values a martyr.

My child comes top of the list and should.

I personally think people spending loads of money getting their nails done or on flash cars whilst their children run around in cheapo old clothes a bit selfish/pathetic. Like I know people who have all designer clothes but Primark is good enough for their kids. There is NOTHING wrong with cheaper clothes if that’s what you can afford etc, but some people go too far the other way and put their own appearance etc as a priority and it’s like their kids don’t matter. I have little respect for those mums and dads.

But on the other hand, I have NEVER missed having a shower or brushing my teeth since having a child. I always manage to dress fully in neat and clean clothes (not the most fashionable or newest but decent). Some people I know say they don’t get a chance to use the toilet. I’ve never not used the loo; I might have rushed as quickly as I could because I didn’t want a baby left crying but I’d not neglect my own basic needs.

I do things for myself: when my child goes to sleep I’m not running about cleaning - I relax, read, watch shows I like, workout, snack on my secret snack supply , craft, etc

So despite not putting makeup on etc - because SOME things have to give - I have never felt like I’ve lost myself or that I’m unimportant.

@AnneLovesGilbert When are you able to fit in reading books, long baths etc? Genuinely asking because I want to get back to the same!

Pretty high. My dds come up top and then my husband and I equally just below. I dont do things like hair and nails but I never have. I run 3 times a week before my dds wake up and if dh has time he will watch a film with them on a sunday afternoon while I have an hours walk on my own. I'm an introvert and I do need alone time. I cant always get alone time during the day every week but dh understands how much our dc talk to/at and does his best to factor in time for me to have a quiet walk.

It's about balance I guess, and teamwork.

@BabyofMine Yes, it sounds similar to me. I have a short window of time at night go watch tv, I could read then, so I can’t say I can’t, I’m just too knackered to bother 🤣
I rush to the loo and have to bring Dd with me when I shower mainly, but it’s that rushed thing rather than actually taking time to do my hair or make up and so on.

My DS is top priority in one way but I will always see myself as a person first, parent second. I am the same person I was, and I love my child, but I am also still a person.

I talk to people like my MIL who seem to think it's wrong to ever consider yourself/your own wants and needs once you have children - every choice is 'oh of course it's good for the children' - yes but I can also make choices for me, that's allowed too. (It's also funny how men are never put to this standard - they aren't expected to give up their lives and identities and wants/needs once they have children.)

As for clothes - I will buy myself more expensive and nicer quality clothes simply because I will wear them for literally 10 years, whereas I don't see the point in buying expensive kids clothes that will last 6 months. (Still cute and nice looking clothes, but it makes more economic sense to get the cheaper ones when they'll just be grown out of).

Do you have a partner?

I’m asking because that’s when I have times when I could do things like beauty treatments (I don’t because I’m not that interested but would have plenty of time to) - when my partner looks after her on his own. Most of the time we’re all together especially since lockdown, but sometimes he disappears for a while to do his own thing and sometimes I do. Ie on a Sunday morning he takes her downstairs, does breakfast, laundry, preps Sunday lunch and does general jobs whilst looking after the little one. I emerge well-rested and Unfrazzled around 11-30 - 12 just in time for lunch

But of course this doesn’t work if you are a single parent!

Bookmarking in the hope of reading some helpful suggestions!

Before I had DD 18 months ago I kept up regular fake tan / nails / hair coloured, cut, blow dried most days - all that jazz. Now Its shower, moisturise face while throwing clothes on and out the door for nursery run

I'm WFH due to lockdown atm which hasn't helped but my god I'm ROUGH and too fucking tired to be poncing about during the 90 mins I have after she goes to bed and I fall asleep

@BabyofMine

I do, but I can’t see that happening! That’s lovely

Your DD is 7 and has to come in the shower with you?

I've never martyred myself for my children. They are clean and fed and not neglected but I've always had my regular hairdresser's trip / do my nails. DH does plenty too so I have my downtime.

You don’t wear perfume? Why? It takes 10 seconds to spritz.

Pretty high now I'm separated! But I recognise what you're saying, it was me a couple of years ago.
Of course my children have grown up a bit too in that time which helps.

@ClaireUnderwoodforPresident Same! I feel so rough too 😬 Before I was just surviving through lack of sleep etc etc, now Dd is demanding in other ways but I’m starting to want to look good again and spend time on myself and realise how important it is that I also feel good too.

Every bit of spare money I spend on clothes (not designer!) for Dd, books, toys and educational things I think she’ll like, I wish we had more left over for me now 🤣
I don’t know how people manage it all

@LongIslandIcedT She’s just over two and a half, I put her in my bedroom next to the bathroom whilst I shower.

@WhoAreYah I haven’t bought any or felt any reason to 🤷🏻‍♀️To do what, go food shopping or for a walk. I’m thinking to start doing these things again to just feel good about myself, to work towards doing that, sounds such a silly thing.

Very high. I don’t waste time on beauty treatments, but I read a lot and in non-COVID times, prioritise friendships, go to a lot of gigs, films etc. Having a child hasn’t changed that.

I read every day, just before I go to bed, but I sleep so much better if I do that I make the time even if it means going to bed later, because it's worth it in terms of overall sleep.

How much does your husband do with the baby? I've never considered not getting my hair done etc it's just a bit less often now but it's only 3 hours out of the whole weekend and the kids can do something nice with their dad then, it's not like it's much time. Then he can go a run or something and we will all spend a few hours together and we have still got an entire day to spend together the next day. I still do make up etc if I'm going out and they like 'helping' me with it. To be honest I do a lot for myself, and I often say no when they ask me to do something if I'm in the middle of something. I think its good for them to spend time trying to entertain themselves or be a bit bored. I do plenty with them as well. So today my husband baked with them, we took them to the park and helped them climb trees and went on the scooters, I made them a 'picnic' on the floor, put an online dance class on for them, gave them a long play in the shower, and played a few boats games with them (3 and 5) and did some reading and spelling with the older one so I dont think they are neglected. But I also had a lie in, spent time doing a bikini wax, went a long walk by myself, and spent quite a bit of time relaxing and scrolling through my phone and had a zoom catch up with friends.

[quote Hedoesntsuitaponytail]@AnneLovesGilbert When are you able to fit in reading books, long baths etc? Genuinely asking because I want to get back to the same![/quote]
What on earth are you doing that you don't have time to read or have a long bath? Your youngest is 7? Did I read that right or did you have more after the 7yo?

My youngest is 2 and I have time to do my nails, read, have long baths etc. I do it when my DC's are in bed or when DH is at home. Is your DC's father on the scene?

I wear makeup, do my hair and wear nice clothes. Admittedly I struggled with having time for hair and makeup when mine were very small and DH was off out to work at 6.30am. But now I tell the DC's to play in their rooms and ask the older one to shout me if the 2yo is getting into mischief while I get ready.

We are not well off but we have enough that I can spend some money on myself. The DCs get new clothes when they need them and I get new clothes when I need/want them, we all get clothes of the same price range (supermarket/h&m/some nicer bits from places like zara). My DC's get everything they need and plenty of treats but I'm not going to deprive myself of luxuries, let alone basic necessities just because I'm a mother. If we had less money then, of course, I would have less because the kids come first.

I don't really understand these mothers that martyr themselves. If I didn't feel like "me" then I would be very unhappy and what good would that do my DC's? I'm not just mummy, I'm so much more.

I come up really high. Making myself look like a perfect version of myself, primped and preened, is just not that high on my list if priorities when I do have time.

It’s a constant balancing act for me, and too often I slip down my own priority list. DS is 3 and I’m just getting it together I think. I make time to have decent showers, listen to the music I want and read every evening, I have a hobby and see friends (well, Covid permitting). I don’t do my hair/nails/dress well because somethings got to give really.

I don't do too badly but my work takes over much of my time that would normally be for me. I get my hair done every 8 weeks normally, I run twice a week and I sing in a choir and do a lot of gigs (again under normal circumstances). I don't do anything else beauty wise, I never have. Money tends to be spent on family related stuff and ds, as an only child, wants for nothing, although he isn't spoilt. He's 13 now so I go for a run with dp and leave ds at home.
There's a balance to be had, but I think that income often plays a part and when your kids are young and you've got childcare costs that doesn't help.

I'm not into martyring myself either. We're mums not slaves.
Yes there are people who think it's all about the kids. You don't have to be one of them. My children know I have needs and my own life and dreams and I think this is really healthy.
Also be a role model for them or they'll think when they have kids that they're second best too.
Go and by a book and a nice top (or whatever). You only live once OP.

I'm not really into clothes or beauty treatments, but I do have long baths and read books. My DC are older than yours though OP - it all gets easier from when your youngest is 3yo IME.

I come very high on my list of priorities - my kids well being first obviously but I'm a close second.

My kids wear cheap clothes because they live in shorts/tshirts year round and grow like weeds, but I don't skimp on running shoes, extra-curricular activities for them.

I spend time working out, reading, cooking, sleeping, meeting friends, relaxing. I make time for my own mental health, my own career, my own adventures. If I want to spend money on massage or a facial I will do.

It is much easier to re-prioritise as they get older for sure, and I made a point of doing something else for myself every few months as they grew from about 3 months or so.

@Shelovesamystery

My Dd is a toddler and I have time every other night for a few hours to myself. By that point I watch some tv, I could read it’s true, but that’s about it.