How high up do you come in your own life?

[Hedoesntsuitaponytail]

I realised the other day that I managed to curl my hair with my straighteners for the first time in almost three years. Since I had Dd 2,7 years ago, I don’t wear perfume, rarely do my hair properly, wear make up or spend money on treats for myself or lovely clothes/magazines/books..anything really. I found it sad the other night when I realised my only real form of caring for myself is using my moisturiser at night. I don’t work out anymore, as when would I really fit it in 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m ok with it and realise things change when you have a child..but it’s starting to be in my mind recently that I want ‘Myself’ back, if that makes sense?
I notice different mums for example, some have beautiful new clothes, hair done, the children have average clothes, they go to the gym or take time out for hobbies.
Then I notice other mums, a bit more frazzled and not as well out together (cue me, currently!) but the children are very well turned out etc.
Basically, I’m starting to think I give to me of myself, every bit of cash is for my Dd-clothes, books, toys, art supplies..every bit of time is devoted to her..this is fine but I’m feeling like it’s my time a little more.

How high up in the list of priorities do you come in your own life?

Your a damn good mother, if your kids are your priority right now. When they are older, you will be able to have more time to do your hair, dress better and generally invest in you. Well done for being a fantastic mother. We need more like you. Just like to hear from fantastic fathers roo

Wash and blow dry my hair every other day. Wear make up every day and perfume. I just give my toddlers (2 and 3) something to do/watch/play with while I sort myself out.
They nap every day so I do exercise/knit/read/housework from 12.30-2.30 on the day when I’m not working. All eat at 6pm and then bed at 7.15 and DH and I alternate bedtimes and share all house hold tasks. We have 3.5 hours in the evening to do anything before bed. Films/box set/drinks/socialise (via zoom 🙄) We make tidying up toys part of the bedtime routine so the lounge is ready to relax in, might light some candles to relax.

Couldn’t do any of this if I was a single parent but as part of a couple there’s a lot of down time.

Take it in turns on the weekend to go to a park with both of them for 1 or 2 hours so that the other person has time at hone to do what they want. I might clean or like today I might watch YouTube for two hours

@Takemetothebar It was easier in that respect when she was teeny, but there’s no way I can leave me active toddler downstairs whilst I go upstairs and have a shower etc, I put her in our bedroom (en-suite bathroom so she’s right by me) she still comes in pretty much constantly, it’s a very quick hair wash and shower and drying hair. Attention Sian is really short at that age, well my DD’s is 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Echobelly But you locked your door when your children were toddlers? God knows what would happen if I went up and locked my bathroom door and left Dd she’s into everything, anything could happen

@WhoAreYah

You don’t wear perfume? Why? It takes 10 seconds to spritz.

It takes probably 3 seconds at most to do a few spritzes!

Self care is number 1,this means something different to everyone. I don't paint my nails because they evidently get chipped and sont want gels after one time experience ruined my nails. I just go in and ask for a quick tidy up every now and again (takes them under 20mins). I always make sure my hair is cut every 3 months to keep it looking fresh as I have a bob.

I make sure I put makeup on most days, varies on how much I do depending on how much I am going out and about.

I make time for exercise like doing squats in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil thats a quick 2-3min workout a few times a day I make tea.

People might think its wrong to say I put myself first but im only my best if I feel my best.

Oh and I have a perfume bottle by my keys, more efficient as its easy to quickly spritz as I grab keys

Low DS has nice clothes, I have cheapo clothes every spare penny I have goes on him. If I have spare ££ after it goes on DH. It’s not that I don’t value myself I’m just not materialistic. If I ask for something DH will buy it, I once asked for some trainers he bought two pairs (different colours) that night because I rarely want anything.

I get my hair done every 3-6 months.

I don’t get ppl who wear designer clothes & their kids wear cheap clothes

Self care and prioritising your spell does not equate to meeting a gendered expectation of appearance. Spending time on yourself doesn’t mean primping and preening, doing nails and undergoing beauty treatments. They are not the measure of female achievement. I feel the need to say this here not necessarily to you OP but the general tone.

I turn up at the school gates rough as arses because I’ve prioritised myself and slept in. Or because I’ve had no sleep because I stayed up late gaming or watching films because I like the alone time. Then I might spend the whole day on one of my hobbies and turn up again rough and smelly because it’s a physical outdoor hobby and I get dirty and sunburned.

My point is I am top of the pile in my own life, and I think everyone should be. You only get one life. Kids want a happy, healthy, secure and interesting parent.

But you locked your door when your children were toddlers? God knows what would happen if I went up and locked my bathroom door and left Dd she’s into everything, anything could happen

This. OP you aren't alone in this, at 2.5 my DS could have climbed out of cot, high chair or a playpen type thing, I had no option but to bring him with me if showering etc, it would have been dangerous to leave a child that age unsupervised for more than a minute.

Self care and prioritising your spell does not equate to meeting a gendered expectation of appearance.

This.

It could mean working, doing any sport or hobby you love, reading, walking the dog, drinking wine with a friend, whatever YOU want to spend your time doing.

(I'm not going to lie, its news to me that perfume is considered so essential)

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland That’s what I don’t get 🤷🏻‍♀️It’s literally impossible, I run upstairs to get changed before we go out and at times something has happened during that short time. Nothing major, but drawing on walls or going into the fridge, putting nappy cream on her arms 🙈perhaps it’s just my child!
When I shower, I put her on my bed with books and soft toys, she’s ok for a short while but inevitably wanders in to see me whilst I’m washing my hair, so everything feels fairly rushed.

Yes, I definitely don’t equate self care just to appearance and was never massively into all that (never do nails etc) but I do feel bloody rough 🙈part of me feeling better is having a little time making myself feel good, which can be looking after myself so I just feel better, exercise, listening to music, reading etc

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Perfume isn’t essential but I was just thinking more about my ‘Old self’ and that person who showered and washed their hair each morning, wearing make up for work. Who got excited over buying nice clothes and into fashion etc, enjoyed smelling nice and choosing perfumes, alongside travel, reading, going out, drinking, gym...it’s feels like that was another person in many ways

It depends. Tomorrow morning at 910 I will top of my priority..... for 20 mins before I start work

@WhoAreYah

You don’t wear perfume? Why? It takes 10 seconds to spritz.

Why so surprised? Plenty of women don't use it. Some are allergic, many cannot afford it and some simply can't be arsed.

Not very high. I live with my daughter she has ASD and very high anxiety. She is 11 but wont sleep alone or be in a separate room to me. She plays up if I try and have a phone conversation or chat to a neighbour. Pre covid it's school, work, walk dogs, school pick up . Check on my Mum. Tidying , dinner, dogs and then bed with my daughter . I cut my own hair. Dressed in terrible old clothes until I discovered e bay and now wear really nice second hand clothes. Just recently as she has got older it has become a little easier. I can do some knitting whilst we watch something together. Its something I can pick up and put down easily (dont get two mins of sitting down uninterrupted) so is stimulating the creative side of me.

[quote Hedoesntsuitaponytail]@Echobelly But you locked your door when your children were toddlers? God knows what would happen if I went up and locked my bathroom door and left Dd she’s into everything, anything could happen[/quote]
Why dont you put her in her room with a stairgate so she can play safely and not get anywhere shes not meant to?

Have a shower, do a poo- on your own. It worked for me.

'Ie on a Sunday morning he takes her downstairs, does breakfast, laundry, preps Sunday lunch and does general jobs whilst looking after the little one. I emerge well-rested and Unfrazzled around 11-30 - 12 just in time for lunch

But of course this doesn’t work if you are a single parent!'

Or if your dh just wouldn't do that!

Be careful not to equate appearance with caring for yourself.

I was always quite scruffy, before and after kids. I am too busy doing things I enjoy and I don't care about make-up etc. I know women who look very well-turned out always - because they can't handle being seen without make-up.

What matters is how much you enjoy your life, not what it looks like to outsiders. You should have time to do what matters to you as well. It is hard when the kids are young but it does get easier.

I am and always will be at the top of my list. I have bi polar so keeping myself well, sane and happy is my number 1 priority so I can then be a good mum and wife.

Even as a skint single mum I still had time to myself though I think you need to reshuffle some priorities around if you’re not getting any time to yourself.

@SugarfreeBlitz agree.

@Hedoesntsuitaponytail

I made their bedroom a safe space for them, and I put a stair gate on. It was next to mine, so could always hear and see through the doorways, but you could have a camera monitor.

Or, I showered etc whilst my husband was in charge.

Quite low. I don't buy myself clothes very often (haven't for 3 years) only have my hair cut once or twice a year, I do buy make up but switched to dupes of my favourite to save money (we don't need to save money) I find it hard to step out of the martyr mindset. I buy a lot for my kids, I love books so shower my DD with them, but don't have time to read myself.

I try but it’s hard with little ones. My OH both try to make sure we have an hour or so each on the weekend to be child free to allow sleep / go for a run / football etc.

I do find people who have more support tend to have more time. If you have grandparents who are involved it helps. Or you can be like me where our parents have said they have done their time and don’t want to help with the kids. Makes it slightly harder as we have to juggle between ourselves but doable. I’m excited for when the kids aren’t under 3/4 so we can get a babysitter. I’m not a fan of leaving little children with someone I don’t know.

Definitely buy a new top or make plans for next weekend to have an hour to yourselves. Maybe read a book in a hot bath?