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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How high up do you come in your own life?

100 replies

Hedoesntsuitaponytail · 07/03/2021 21:15

I realised the other day that I managed to curl my hair with my straighteners for the first time in almost three years. Since I had Dd 2,7 years ago, I don’t wear perfume, rarely do my hair properly, wear make up or spend money on treats for myself or lovely clothes/magazines/books..anything really. I found it sad the other night when I realised my only real form of caring for myself is using my moisturiser at night. I don’t work out anymore, as when would I really fit it in 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m ok with it and realise things change when you have a child..but it’s starting to be in my mind recently that I want ‘Myself’ back, if that makes sense?
I notice different mums for example, some have beautiful new clothes, hair done, the children have average clothes, they go to the gym or take time out for hobbies.
Then I notice other mums, a bit more frazzled and not as well out together (cue me, currently!) but the children are very well turned out etc.
Basically, I’m starting to think I give to me of myself, every bit of cash is for my Dd-clothes, books, toys, art supplies..every bit of time is devoted to her..this is fine but I’m feeling like it’s my time a little more.

How high up in the list of priorities do you come in your own life?

OP posts:

SexyGiraffe · 08/03/2021 06:59

Not very high, OP. My DH suffered a life changing injury 3 years ago and I had to focus on taking care of him, DD and everything else in our lives while holding down a full time job. It put taking care of myself and my own needs pretty far down the list. While he is a lot better now, I've struggled to make myself a priority again, but I think the awareness is good as it means you can take small steps to address it.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/03/2021 07:29

I had pnd and was in a very bad place. Personal care really helped me.
I run now 3 times a week... Slowly though and I plan to go swimming x 2 a week once they are open.
I don't care about clothes or nails and I've never worn makeup.
I read a new book most months and I also am studying. Using my brain is helping me realise I'm an interesting adult.
You need to do somthing for you, pick a thing and do that. It could be anything at all as long as it makes you happy

PeggyHill · 08/03/2021 07:33

I look like a scruff bag but I looked that way before kids. It's just me lol.

I tell my husband when I feel like I need some me time. My husband does the same with me. We accommodate each other. We don't do it very often... maybe we should be doing it more, but we both really like to do lots of stuff as a family as well so any me time would come at the expense of that. Maybe that's why neither of us asks for me time very often.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/03/2021 07:35

Also ds still showers with me at under 3 he natters away while I shower. Not ideal but it's quite funny.
I sometimes give him a cloth and let him clean the bathroom while I shower... He loves it!

user159 · 08/03/2021 07:40

I struggled with this, all the comments when I was pregnant how i'll stop wearing make up (very basic foundation and mascara!) stop doing my nails, never read again etc really got to me. As it turns out, I didn't stop these things I just had to think about it a bit more. It was so important for me to feel like me and confident when I left the house that I felt no guilt spending 10 mins drying my hair and putting on my make up. I don't do it for anyone else, I do it for me.
DD is 2 now and I read when she goes to bed, nails at lunch (WFH perks!) but at the same time she was always a very relaxed baby who napped well and just liked to be involved in whatever I was doing. I do get followed a lot now but I don't mind and my DH does his fair share if I want a long shower or whatever.

AmazoniaBun · 08/03/2021 07:50

I always do my makeup. It’s not a particularly extravagant routine though, e.g. tinted moisturiser rather than foundation and powder. It makes me feel better about myself. The thing I do skimp on is hair washing. I use dry shampoo ALOT 😂

Some mums at school drop look like they’ve slept in a hedge. If they wake up just when their kids do, it must be a manic morning rush. Instead I go to sleep by 9:30pm, so I can wake up early and get ready before DC. Only way to start the day prepared. I’m straight on zoom calls as soon as I’m back in the door.

Spillanelle · 08/03/2021 08:02

I think it’s not just about how much you prioritise your own needs, but how much your partner does too. Is your partner doing his fair share of childcare and housework? If you’re doing most/all of it then of course you won’t have any time left for yourself.
I have an almost 2 year old so get that it is just hard to get any time, but I make sure that DH takes her for a few hours at the weekend at least. Other than that, I think it’s about choices, we all have a finite about of ‘free time’ when the kids are in bed, etc, so maybe reflect on whether you’re using that in the best way. I was getting frustrated at not having any time to read so am now making a point to go up to bed at 9 and read for an hour or two before going to sleep, rather than just watching TV

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 08/03/2021 08:03

Does it not disturb anyone that the definition of doing something nice for a woman is using their previous time to paint their face and look a certain way for others? The irony😭

And before you all pile on and say you do it for yourselves, ask yourself why you think you don't look good enough without makeup. Half the population of the world seem to look just fine without it.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 08/03/2021 08:04

Previous=precious

sHREDDIES19 · 08/03/2021 08:30

I’m getting better now my kids are becoming older and more independent. But similarly in the early years I didn’t really invest much time in myself as I simply didn’t have any! Now I fit in what’s important to me which top of the list is exercise (I want to feel fit, healthy and good in myself, plus set them a good example). I must admit I don’t invest much in my clothes, make up, most of the staff I buy is cheap or from eBay, but the same applies to my kids. I get them lovely stuff second hand. It’s only as I’m tight though and hate buying new unnecessarily😆 One day I’m hoping to get back into reading but for now when the kids are in bed all I can manage is watching tv!

Silurian · 08/03/2021 08:35

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

Does it not disturb anyone that the definition of doing something nice for a woman is using their previous time to paint their face and look a certain way for others? The irony😭

And before you all pile on and say you do it for yourselves, ask yourself why you think you don't look good enough without makeup. Half the population of the world seem to look just fine without it.

Absolutely. And what disturbs me far more is that many women have genuinely internalised the necessity for a particular self-presentation to the point where they do feel they ‘do it for themselves’ because they do feel ‘lesser’ without it. Which is why they ‘choose’ to spend limited spare time on time-consuming self-presentation.

Similarly to the women who say often on here that they literally ‘can’t sit down in the evenings’ when the house isn’t a certain way.

Curiously, men seem quite happy to relax without either their nails/hair/houses looking a certain way. It’s a highly gendered form of socialisation.

Laggartha · 08/03/2021 08:44

First.

Your question has made me realise this and that I don't always seem to know it.

Sunnyday321 · 08/03/2021 08:44

Mine are getting older now so I have more time for me .
However , and I had to be honest myself , once the kids are in bed , slumping in front of the tv , or choosing to read a book , paint nails , learn something new ? I realised I did have time to myself but was watching tv or was looking at a screen .

lubeybooby · 08/03/2021 08:48

Top - when it comes to wellbeing anyway. The family relies on me a fair bit so I do whatever I need to do to be mentally and physically well , including saying no to anything that is too much of a drain

Material things and money wise, thankfully I'm not really bothered about spending on myself (unless related to my health) so I'd put myself happily bottom there

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/03/2021 08:50

Very high. I have one DS, his needs always come first but his wants don't necessarily always come first.

So, if I had no money and only one slice of bread left in the house then DS would get it, no question.

But I don't spend all my money and time on DS and neglect myself. It helps that I'm divorced and DS's dad is involved so I do get some regular free time. I get my nails and hair done, go out with friends. Buy myself nice handbags and clothes and makeup. DS doesn't go without but I earn this money from working hard so I am going to buy things for myself too.

DS is 7, he doesn't care about clothes so I don't buy him expensive ones. He's in school uniform 5 days a week anyway! I spend more money on experiences than I do toys - holidays, days out, meals out.

Number16 · 08/03/2021 09:18

My eldest is 6 and my youngest 3 now and I was just starting to get my own life on track when lockdown hit last year. Things that had helped me were:

Career change and reducing my hours. I worked full time in an unpredictable, emotionally draining job for less than the average UK wage. I truly loved my job and team, but when I was pregnant with my second child I realised it was taking the best part of my life, sapping my time and energy for DD and DH. I took a sideways leap to a new career with more wfh, predictable hours and it was like the fog cleared.
Sleep. Poorly sleeping babies and toddlers nearly destroyed me. I started going to bed at 8p.m. a couple nights a week to catch up on rest, and as they have got older my children sleep through the night more often now. Having energy again is amazing.
Children get more independent as they age, I used to dread bedtime, now they get themselves into PJ, sit nicely for stories and stay in their beds, it's so much easier!
Enforcing independent play. One of the mixed blessings of lockdown has been that they had to learn to play on their own for hours while DH and I worked. They now see it as normal to play for a couple of blocks of hour or two on their own while we make dinner and at weekends. Before lockdown we were constantly amusing them, taking them on big days out to compensate for the fact we worked outside the home long hours in the week. Everyone is more relaxed and I can claw some time back at weekends to potter around in my bedroom or cook, something that would have seemed impossible a year ago.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/03/2021 09:48

I made their bedroom a safe space for them

Honestly I'm not sure there's such a thing as a "safe space" for an unsupervised 2 year old unless its an empty room.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/03/2021 09:50

Why dont you put her in her room with a stairgate so she can play safely and not get anywhere shes not meant to?

Because 2 years old are too young to be trusted no to do things that could inadvertently hurt themselves.

Climb on beds/furniture and fall off etc.

MedusasBadHairDay · 08/03/2021 09:53

Pretty low honestly, but I'm making an effort to change that.

Takemetothebar · 08/03/2021 10:30

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I think you and I view risk differently. My furniture was safely attached to the walls so wouldn’t tip, but I have no problem with a 2 year old climbing on their own, low, single bed. By safe I mean no cables to get caught in, and no furniture to fall, and no sharp objects. My children were more than safe enough for me, in their room with their books and appropriate toys, with me next door. The worst that happens is their clothes get pulled out!

WannabeOT · 08/03/2021 10:45

*Because 2 years old are too young to be trusted no to do things that could inadvertently hurt themselves.

Climb on beds/furniture and fall off etc*

I'd happily leave DD in her room while I had a shower. If she does happen to fall off her chair onto her carpeted floor I'm sure she'd be fine, if she wasn't she'd let me know. We have a stair gate at the top of the stairs and I happily let her potter around if I do need a shower when I'm with her, I usually shower in the evenings though.

Popcornbetty · 08/03/2021 11:12

I think it depends on what kind of sleeper your child is aswell. For instance dc1 would only sleep with us until 2.5 meaning we had no time to ourselves at all. Dc2 sleeps in own bed 7-7 so i have my evenings this time around at least! I have so many plans once kids in bed but by the time 7pm gets here I'm exhausted and lucky if i can get into something on Netflix let lone a book.

daisyjgrey · 08/03/2021 11:18

I don't believe in being a martyr.

Sometimes my daughter is top of the pecking order, sometimes I am.

Sahm101 · 08/03/2021 12:27

You are a martyr op and you will be the only loser with that mentality. Why does every cent need to go on your dd toys and books. I'm certain she wouldn't be affected in any way if you bought less?
I know someone who prides herself on her ds having multiple pairs of the best clothes and shoes, because she wears torn clothing. She genuinely believes she is such an amazing parent for walking around with torn clothes and wears that like a badge of honor.
Surely your dd sleeps, watches TV, takes a nap? You could do things for yourself in that time.

AlrightTreacle · 08/03/2021 20:26

The sayings "you can't pour from an empty cup" and "put your own oxygen mask on first" are so true.

I would also argue that prioritising exercise is as important for your kids as it is for you: you need to stay well to look after them.

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