How high up do you come in your own life?

[Hedoesntsuitaponytail]

I realised the other day that I managed to curl my hair with my straighteners for the first time in almost three years. Since I had Dd 2,7 years ago, I don’t wear perfume, rarely do my hair properly, wear make up or spend money on treats for myself or lovely clothes/magazines/books..anything really. I found it sad the other night when I realised my only real form of caring for myself is using my moisturiser at night. I don’t work out anymore, as when would I really fit it in 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m ok with it and realise things change when you have a child..but it’s starting to be in my mind recently that I want ‘Myself’ back, if that makes sense?
I notice different mums for example, some have beautiful new clothes, hair done, the children have average clothes, they go to the gym or take time out for hobbies.
Then I notice other mums, a bit more frazzled and not as well out together (cue me, currently!) but the children are very well turned out etc.
Basically, I’m starting to think I give to me of myself, every bit of cash is for my Dd-clothes, books, toys, art supplies..every bit of time is devoted to her..this is fine but I’m feeling like it’s my time a little more.

How high up in the list of priorities do you come in your own life?

I'm of equal importance and treat myself accordingly. Why would anyone in a family be of lesser importance? Everyone comes first at different times depending on need. I make sure I put as much time into my own development as I do my kids. I'm not into makeup or primping but I never miss my morning yoga class and I have a good skinny routine and wear new clothes. I treat myself as much as I treat the kids.

Skin routine would rather if I had a good skinny routine.

My DD is almost 2 and I know exactly what you mean OP. I don't think I'm a martyr. I do what I can when she's playing independently but that's usually trying to get on top of household stuff rather than anything for me! When she naps/ evenings I do work so if I get any free time I just want to slob about!!

I come quite high up now in my list of priorities. My dc are older now, youngest is 9. They’re all quite independent. I don’t feel bad spending money on myself, I like to put the effort in (sometimes!) to make myself look nice because I feel more put together and more positive.
I read a lot, see my friends and go away with them for weekends (obviously pre Covid), do a lot with my dc, manage a weekend away with dh every now and then.
I was told years ago, “you can’t fill from an empty cup,” and it stuck with me. I’m looking after myself I am a better person for everyone in my life. It pays to look after yourself.

My son comes first and fiancé second (and me third!) but I do take care of myself too. Stuff I do for me:

• running twice a week
• paint my nails
• 5 mins basic make-up
• relaxing bath once or twice a fortnight
• I make time to read most evenings
• I used to straighten my hair a couple of times a week but I've let this slide with lockdown!

Time / stuff for you is definitely important

I've always been able to shower, get dressed and do what I need to. I never understood people who said they couldn't get dressed until mid day when their kids were little. My husband was away 120 nights a year for work so I was pretty much the only one doing the work. I worked until I had my second, my eldest going to daycare near work.
I'm a widow now (since my kids were 4 and 6), so I'm used to it. Though now they don't need looking after in the physical sense (being teens, they take care of their rooms, my son cooks and does the dishes and irons his own clothes etc), but the emotional care is at it's peak as they navigate first love, alcohol, friendships, exam stress (or not) and life choices.
If I'm not on top taking care of everything there is no one else- my parents are long dead and my immediate family live in another country. Therefore I make sure I'm in the mental and physical place to do it.
I work when they are at school, work out as needed, read before I go to sleep, have regular facials and meet up with my friends. I always have done so, though of course it does get easier to fit these things in when they hit 9 or 10.
Mother doesn't mean slave.

[quote Hedoesntsuitaponytail]@ClaireUnderwoodforPresident Same! I feel so rough too 😬 Before I was just surviving through lack of sleep etc etc, now Dd is demanding in other ways but I’m starting to want to look good again and spend time on myself and realise how important it is that I also feel good too.

Every bit of spare money I spend on clothes (not designer!) for Dd, books, toys and educational things I think she’ll like, I wish we had more left over for me now 🤣
I don’t know how people manage it all[/quote]
I think this might be partly generational?

My parents would have date night, leave us with a babysitter, go out nicely dressed etc at least once a month.

The idea of spending on clothes that toddlers don't really notice would have baffled them. I was the youngest so mostly had hand me downs for daily life.

Books were from the library. Toys and craft stuff were ...proportionate, not tons of things to choose from that will go out of use in a couple of years or maybe less. We had to put everything back in the box before dinner.

Mum went to an evening class when dad got back from work, did different things over the years before returning to work. I think her generation was a lot less "I must interact with my child" and happy to pop us in a playpen to get shit done, whether it was chatting to a mate or putting make up on.

I should add, we did have some bought books but I think that was more because parents like Mr Men too 😂

I have 2.5 year old and she comes first, but she is a happy soul and content so I don't feel I've had to sacrifice an awful lot. I work part time as being a SAHM was not good for my mental health. She loves nursery and again I don't feel it was either me or her first in that situation. I go to the gym (when open) several times a week and do yoga as a hobby in the evening. I read before bed or in the bath .

I have definitely let hair and make up slide but that's not necessarily a bad thing! My hair being bad is probably more to do with lockdowns than DD. I buy most of our clothes on eBay as i think it is more ethical to buy secondhand where I can.

I think, especially with one child, there's little reason for it to be one or the other, however I say that as someone with an easygoing toddler so maybe I am just lucky.

@heywhatswrongwitu I feel the same, I don’t feel I martyr myself, I just genuinely need to find/take time for these things. Perhaps as she gets a little older it will happen...it has to!

I think lockdown skews this a bit for me.

Ds is 3 in June and of course comes first, I actually love buying him bits and pieces so don't mind picking up clothes now and then (supermarket usually).

I've started trying to make an effort to wear contacts when I'm not working which means I slap some foundation and eyebrows on too.i got a gel nail set for Xmas so my nails are usually done (and currently match my toes, get me!). I've ordered new clothes here and there but on the day to day with ds it's jeans or dungarees so I have yet to wear much of it.

I don't really wear perfume on the day to day now I'm not going into work, don't see the point in wasting it!

Ds goes to bed around 7 so that's my bath/potter/trash TV time.

I also try to buy myself some treats every now and then online- a hair or face mask, fancy bubble bath etc.

Hair is hit and miss - if I straighten it after washing it looks pretty good for a couple of days until it goes up in a messy bun!

Fairly high up. I never had kids who followed me into the loo/shower because I locked the damn door thanks very much (I'd bring them in when tiny and needing watching, but not afterwards).

DCs are 9 and 12 now, so don't need much of my time in that way anymore, but as soon as they could amuse themselves in the morning (when about 3 and 6) we let ourselves have a weekend lie-in.

I'm not a doing hair/make-up/nails person anyway, so that was never an issue.

Probably spend similar amounts on their clothes and mine, though I am buying less and better quality for me than I used to.

DH and I, in The Time Before, went out plenty, even from when they were tiny - we have both our parents nearby, and had au pairs for a few years. I never felt any guilt about going out and having a good time without them, and most years we'd go away for our wedding anniversary for a few nights, ever since oldest was 12 months old. I don't get people who, despite having family nearby, wear never having been out with their partners in the 6 years since their child was born like a badge of honour - 'But I couldn't bear to leave them with anyone, even mum!' - and I do see people being like that online sometimes.

I have lovely memories of watching my mum getting ready to go out. Her hair would be curled, immaculate make up. Red lipstick and the smell of hairspray and youth dew. I was a kid, I could have been wearing a sack and I wouldn’t have cared. Not sure why the point of this tale is really except that I am sure many of have the same memories and did you think look at my mum spending time on herself- how dare she? No of course you didn’t 😌

I care for my own simple needs but my wants have reduced significantly, I simply care far more about my childrens needs than cosmetic aspects of my own life.

So - I do a 5km run 3 times a week, because exercise is important to health and wellbeing. I shower and wash and brush teeth because health and hygiene are essential. My clothes are clean and neat & practical.

Things that matter a lot less to me now:
Makeup
Very "done" hair
Fashionable/dressy clothes
Nails but I was never into those

I dont find it difficult to continue my hobbies in the evenings when the children are asleep, DH is good at sharing the load to ensure I have time to do things as much as he does but of course I have less time for myself than pre kids but well duh. I did expect that and I'm ok with it

I have an 18 month old son, work 3 days a week, and look after him the other 2. But I also make sure I have time during the week to look after myself. I do have a husband who does his share which helps! Each week I make sure I: do my nails, have a bath, hair removal, 3-4 x long walks. I also shower every day, wash & straighten my hair every other day. Admittedly I am not really wearing makeup at the minute, but I think that's a lockdown thing.

I think it's so important to look after yourself. It's good to show your children that you are a person in your own right who gets to do the things that makes them feel good.

Echo "I never had kids who followed me into the loo/shower because I locked the damn door thanks very much (I'd bring them in when tiny and needing watching, but not afterwards)."

Yes. I get confused with some posters on MN and the shower/loo thing.

Library, I have lovely memories of that too. I also have dad's watch and cufflinks from those days as he's no longer here. We used to beg the babysitter to let us stay up till they got back but she was very firm! 😂

@WannabeOT When do you get to go to the gym, what sort of times, does Dh have Dd?
I’m at home with Dd 11 hours per day, then Dh comes home, then an hour later, she’s in bed and we do alternate bedtimes. The thought of going to the gym at 8 after a long day is 😬perhaps in summer

I always spent more on my clothes than my childrens. They got them filthy! Also I have stopped growing. Like a pp I never skimped on shoes though.
Its all bloody Vans and converse for them now though.

Pretty high. But I've just got one teen and my partner is pretty selfish himself.
However. When she was a baby, I was Low on the list but pretty resentful.

My DC's needs come first but they have SN so I don't really have that much choice. Life is full on for about 15 hours a day.

I'm not a big spender or shopper but spend more on my clothes than on DC's, who are mostly in second hand gear we've been given. My clothes will last for years if I don't put on too much more weight whereas their clothes won't.

They dress themselves as I want to give them the choice from all the hand me downs we get (including stuff I hate personally) so are usually in some hideous random mismatch that will get covered in mud or food within minutes.

So it's quite possible on rare days I'm not totally scruffy that I look more put together and they look a mess.

We are also lucky to be given loads of books and toys as hand me downs and as gifts at birthday and Christmas so don't spend much month to month on that.

I do struggle to fit in exercise but from tomorrow I'm hoping that will be a bit easier!

@LunaHeather yes the cuff links! I had forgotten that. What a lovely memory to hold onto. Even today I can’t walk past a bottle of youth dew in a department store without having to sniff it and think of my mum all dolled up. There were 3 of us and my mum and dad were well off but they always looked smart and as for following my mum in the bathroom she would have been appalled.. I was taught to respect my parents privacy and to be independent.

Youth dew!! My mum wore that too 💜Do they still sell it? That or Chanel. I also loved watching her sat by the mirror brushing her hair to go out and the smell of perfume wafting around.

I also don’t understand the ‘couldn’t even shower” and “ haven’t been for a wee alone in years” comments either.

When DC were tiny I showered in nap time, or popped them in the bouncer in the bathroom. Or my husband cared for them.

Apart from out and about, I never had my child come to the loo with me- cot, car seat, play pen.... any number of safe spaces to leave a small child for a few mins.

Mine are now 7+ so it’s easy. I’m not a hair and nails person, but I always wash and dry my hair daily, I shave daily too.

I rank highly in my life. I’m important- my hobby has adjusted but I never stopped doing it. It was hard work to train when dc were small, and apart from my husband who parents equally we have no other support or help.

It’s about getting up and out to train at 5am, and at 9pm. If you want it, you make it happen.

When do you get to go to the gym, what sort of times, does Dh have Dd?

It has been easier this year as I have been working from home two days a week and DD at nursery so I would go in my lunch break. Normal times I go two evenings per week when DP does bedtime and on Saturday which is DPs day to take her swimming etc. I probably would've found getting to the gym harder if I was a SAHM as I found being at home with DD much more draining than work. Then yoga i do at home in the evening after DD is in bed, of during her nap if I'm feeling particularly motivated but that's not often.

@Hedoesntsuitaponytail

Youth dew!! My mum wore that too 💜Do they still sell it? That or Chanel. I also loved watching her sat by the mirror brushing her hair to go out and the smell of perfume wafting around.

Yes! It’s still on the Estée Lauder counter with its little gold bow! My mum had 1 bottle of perfume and that was it. In the 80s she changed over to white linen. I used to love sitting on the bed and helping her decide on her outfit and which make up to put on. Sometimes she would let me have a little dab of eyeshadow on and I would walk around thinking I was everyone! I think it’s really important to see your parents take care of themselves and they are lovely memories to look back on. ❤️