To say "I'd be fine without you"?

[pregandhormonal]

NC for this because I feel like a bit of a prat and am fully prepared to be told I am BU. 😂

Back story- I have a dc from previous relationship (13yo). With my dc I was mostly a single a mum for much of their life, with some input from their dad but I mostly did it myself (financially and practically).

Been with current DP for 5 years, very happy, no issues - he’s a decent man and he does a lot for me and my dc. Currently pregnant with our first baby together (due very soon).

Yesterday I went into panic mode - no idea why. I can only assume it was some sort of hormonal meltdown. I kept thinking to myself “what if DP left me? What if I end up a single mum to two this time? Would I manage?” Etc... These silly thoughts were on a loop in my mind.

So I worked out what my financial situation would be without DP in the picture (assuming worst case scenario - ie if he left me and also refused to pay maintenance). I was actually relieved to discover that, if I downsized to a smaller house, it would be quite comfortably doable without him.

Now this is where I think the unreasonable part comes in ... I then shared this information with him. I showed him my calculations and said something like: “Ive worked out that if you left me and the baby, I'd manage absolutely fine” (I was saying this in a lighthearted manner), then showed him my calculations. He looked quite offended and got a bit miffed, telling me to “just stop” and that he didn’t want to hear how “fine” I’d be without him. He wasn’t aggressive (he isn’t like that), just quite firm and clearly a bit fucked off (I rarely see him like this so it took me aback a little).

I explained to him it was just coming from a place of insecurity about having done it by myself once before and fear of being in that situation again (and probably preg hormones taking over!) Anyway it’s all fine now - we moved on quite quickly and I apologised.

But it’s been on my mind since - I feel like I acted like an irrational, hormonal weirdo. Am I letting my past situation of being a single mum take over and make me insecure about doing it again myself? Is this a non-issue that I need to stop thinking about?

YABU - No wonder he was offended by the suggestion you'd be fine without him - this is a new baby with a new partner, stop letting your past overcome you.

YANBU - it’s understandable you feel the way you do and voiced it to DP - can’t see why he had an issue with this.

YANBU hope that helps

Thank you! I just feel a bit silly. No reason for me to think he's going to leave me and the baby. Probably just need to put it down to hormones!

I'd be hugely offended if you had showed me that.

YABU why did you feel the need to tell him?

YABU! Imagine if he'd said that to you

YABU, I think it was absolutely awful of you to say that to him!

You're being both U and NU. Yanbu to want to know you can cope by yourself. Yabu to talk to your DP about it. Of course he will be hurt. But he should know you will enough to understand your past and why this is a worry for you. I've done the same maths myself.

I understand why he was upset / offended - I would have been too. But it sounds like you’ve sorted it and moved on so I wouldn’t worry about it now!

YABU. Fine to think about it and do the sums for yourself but it was unnecessary and really hurtful to tell him. He’s chosen to be with you, to be a step father, and to have a baby with you. Step parenting can be rough and you say he’s done a lot for you. He sounds all in and it’s good he’s dealt with your outburst so well whatever caused it. He’s not your ex. Don’t treat him as if he is.

YABU. I get it. I think you were fine doing the calculations so you knew. But then showing your DP and going on about it was definitely unreasonable and too far.

It's similar to him saying I've worked out if we split I can afford this house, with this much child maintenance. It would make you uneasy. Especially if he broke out all the calculations for you.

You didnt need to share the information with him.

You're very sensible to assure yourself you could be self sufficient.

A bit rude to show your partner though!

How would you like it if he calculated what he'd have to pay you in CMs if he dumped you and showed that to you ?

YABU

He sounds like a good man and while he was very likely upset by this (and rightly so) he will no doubt understand that pregnancy hormones and previous trauma is all it is down to.

I would have thought you very sensible if you had of shown me that, my dp would have been mortally offended. Dunno what my point is really!

There was nothing wrong with working out the scenario to assuage your fears. But I think you were being unreasonable to tell him about it. I can't imagine being in a relationship that I thought was happy and secure, only to have my partner tell me he'd be fine without me. I'd be tempted to tell him to give it a try.

Great to be independent. Awful to show him. It looks like you're planning to leave him.

I would be worried and sad were I him.

You had a panic based on your life experiences up til now. You rationally worked out that a panic was not needed. You then showed the results of your rational workings-out to a person who didn't have the same experiences and explained that if they were absent you'd be OK. It's understandable that you had the panic and did the research, but very very clumsy to then tell him your results!

Fine to work it out but you shouldn't have told him. Especially as you are pregnant.

🙈 I expected these responses to be honest. I've reflected on it today and I honestly can totally see why it pissed him off. We talked it over and over he said he understands I'm scared about being on my own again, but that I need to stop letting that take over. He's right. I think hormones are sending me a bit off at the mo!

Posted too soon - I do sympathise with your feelings, but yeah.... I can see why he's a bit upset.

YANBU to suddenly panic and work out if you'd be ok.

It was a bit much to tell your DP though! However, he sounds like he took it reasonably ok, was firm that he didn't want to know and you've made up.

Now put it out your head and forget it. (But be secretly grateful that you now know if it goes tits up you'll be fine)

Fine (just) to work it out really awful to share it with him. Is he just a bank account, are you thinking of leaving, if you want to push him out you’re going the right way.

How would you have felt if he'd told you he'd worked out he can look after the baby himself without you?

@ContessaDiPulpo

You had a panic based on your life experiences up til now. You rationally worked out that a panic was not needed. You then showed the results of your rational workings-out to a person who didn't have the same experiences and explained that if they were absent you'd be OK. It's understandable that you had the panic and did the research, but very very clumsy to then tell him your results!

I agree - I don't think I needed to share it with him. That was stupid of me