To say "I'd be fine without you"?

[pregandhormonal]

NC for this because I feel like a bit of a prat and am fully prepared to be told I am BU. 😂

Back story- I have a dc from previous relationship (13yo). With my dc I was mostly a single a mum for much of their life, with some input from their dad but I mostly did it myself (financially and practically).

Been with current DP for 5 years, very happy, no issues - he’s a decent man and he does a lot for me and my dc. Currently pregnant with our first baby together (due very soon).

Yesterday I went into panic mode - no idea why. I can only assume it was some sort of hormonal meltdown. I kept thinking to myself “what if DP left me? What if I end up a single mum to two this time? Would I manage?” Etc... These silly thoughts were on a loop in my mind.

So I worked out what my financial situation would be without DP in the picture (assuming worst case scenario - ie if he left me and also refused to pay maintenance). I was actually relieved to discover that, if I downsized to a smaller house, it would be quite comfortably doable without him.

Now this is where I think the unreasonable part comes in ... I then shared this information with him. I showed him my calculations and said something like: “Ive worked out that if you left me and the baby, I'd manage absolutely fine” (I was saying this in a lighthearted manner), then showed him my calculations. He looked quite offended and got a bit miffed, telling me to “just stop” and that he didn’t want to hear how “fine” I’d be without him. He wasn’t aggressive (he isn’t like that), just quite firm and clearly a bit fucked off (I rarely see him like this so it took me aback a little).

I explained to him it was just coming from a place of insecurity about having done it by myself once before and fear of being in that situation again (and probably preg hormones taking over!) Anyway it’s all fine now - we moved on quite quickly and I apologised.

But it’s been on my mind since - I feel like I acted like an irrational, hormonal weirdo. Am I letting my past situation of being a single mum take over and make me insecure about doing it again myself? Is this a non-issue that I need to stop thinking about?

YABU - No wonder he was offended by the suggestion you'd be fine without him - this is a new baby with a new partner, stop letting your past overcome you.

YANBU - it’s understandable you feel the way you do and voiced it to DP - can’t see why he had an issue with this.

I don't think you are being fair to yourself by putting this on an AIBU thread. Perhaps the question you are asking is whether your behaviour is understandable, rather than unreasonable. Of course you are going to have pangs of doubt and anxiety during your pregnancy - everyone does! As a single mother once before, of course it is understandable that this would cross your mind.

I actually admire that you sat down and worked through the sums to alleviate your anxiety. Sounds like a pretty good way to put this doubt to bed in your mind! As for telling your partner, I can see why he would feel it was an insensitive thing for you to say BUT surely he must understand to some extent why it might be playing on your mind. As much as we would like to think new relationships are a clean slate, they do not exist in a vacuum and things from our past can remain in the back of our minds and rear their ugly heads when we are most vulnerable.You definitely don't seem like you were intentionally trying to be a jerk, OP. Just tell him you are sorry for being insensitive and explain where the anxiety came from.

@herbivore15

I don't think you are being fair to yourself by putting this on an AIBU thread. Perhaps the question you are asking is whether your behaviour is understandable, rather than unreasonable. Of course you are going to have pangs of doubt and anxiety during your pregnancy - everyone does! As a single mother once before, of course it is understandable that this would cross your mind.

I actually admire that you sat down and worked through the sums to alleviate your anxiety. Sounds like a pretty good way to put this doubt to bed in your mind! As for telling your partner, I can see why he would feel it was an insensitive thing for you to say BUT surely he must understand to some extent why it might be playing on your mind. As much as we would like to think new relationships are a clean slate, they do not exist in a vacuum and things from our past can remain in the back of our minds and rear their ugly heads when we are most vulnerable.You definitely don't seem like you were intentionally trying to be a jerk, OP. Just tell him you are sorry for being insensitive and explain where the anxiety came from.

Thank you for such a balanced and thoughtful reply. Yes, perhaps you're right that I'm wondering if it was understandable as opposed to reasonable.

I definitely wasn't intentionally being a jerk - he's a good man, he doesn't deserve that at all. I just feel very vulnerable at the moment and scared about the future I suppose. We're secure and we love each other - right now there's no reason to worry, but I'm aware these things can change and I wanted to reassure myself I'd be OK if they did.

Perhaps the right way to go was to work it out but not to share it.

I think you were being pretty unreasonable and incredibly unfair on your DP.

Freaking out and doing the calculations for your own peace of mind is one thing and perfectly reasonable, but basically telling him you don't trust him not to screw you over is another - not only might he leave but also pay no maintenance? If I were him I'd be highly offended that you thought so little of me

Totally echo what other have said: its completely reasonable (and sensible) to do the maths and reassure yourself that you would cope on your own.

But not to share with him.

He must have found that quite accusatory.

I wouldn't worry too much about it: it will probably be one of those things you both laugh about at some point. But for future reference put yourself in his shoes and imagine how that must have felt.

Apologise to him. He sounds like a decent chap.
Completely understandable that you did the calculations but there was no need to share it with him.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Great to be independent. Awful to show him. It looks like you're planning to leave him.

I would be worried and sad were I him.

My thoughts exactly

It was so unfair to show him that. Especially since you say he's decent.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Great to be independent. Awful to show him. It looks like you're planning to leave him.

I would be worried and sad were I him.

This was my first thought as well. I'd be wondering if I were him.

Yanbu to be scared and work out if you'd be ok of he were to leave you BUT YABU way more, to show him the workings out and mentioning it to him, that's a bit shitty tbh. I'd be hugely offended if someone done that to me

Every woman should do the calculations that you did. None of us can rely on a partner/dh staying with us no matter how good the relationship, and we should always be mindful of where we'd stand.

But why would you share that with him?? That was really hurtful. You have some apologising to do.

You should not have shown him your workings out or even told him.

I get why you have worked it out, you have done it before by yourself and know that sometimes relationships don't work out.

I would understand you showing him, if he'd been a PITA and you wanted to let him know you don't need his nonsense, but in this situation you did the wrong thing in showing him.

I find it a really bizarre thing to do hormones or not.

@honeylulu

You're very sensible to assure yourself you could be self sufficient.

A bit rude to show your partner though!

How would you like it if he calculated what he'd have to pay you in CMs if he dumped you and showed that to you ?

This^

Also, if he is DP and not DH, it would be a good idea for you both to have wills, since you will be having a child with him and already have one without him.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Also, if he is DP and not DH, it would be a good idea for you both to have wills, since you will be having a child with him and already have one without him.

I hadn't even thought about this to be honest. Is it easy enough to get one sorted out?

YABU. Even though it came from a place of insecurity it’s not an excuse to trample all over someone’s feelings. I would be beyond hurt. I think you owe him an apology. Put it down to hormones or lockdown.

YANBU to wonder, or even do some sums to put your mind at ease.

But YABU to show him! But I think you know that or you wouldn't feel bad, you're not a bad person!

It was a bit insensitive to show him, tbh. He's (hopefully) massively excited about the baby coming, especially if it's his first child. Then you imply to him that you don't trust him so you're planning for a separate life with his baby and him not in the picture. And then you wonder why he was a bit fucked off. Insensitive, any ?

@Wanderlust20

YANBU to wonder, or even do some sums to put your mind at ease.

But YABU to show him! But I think you know that or you wouldn't feel bad, you're not a bad person!

I do feel bad and I've apologised to him again tonight on the back of this thread.

He told me to forget about it and said he understands where it came from etc. He's a good man.

Yes wills are pretty easy to sort out. As you have children you will need wills and (if possible) life insurance.

YADNBU to think that or to do your calculations. You were unreasonable to show him and I'm not surprised he's a bit offended - definitely blame it on the hormones.

Well done for getting through what you have with your ex and being independent though - best way to be, you never know what's around the corner.

@pregandhormonal hey we have all said things that we really wish we hadn’t. The important thing is that you held your hand up and said sorry. You aren’t a bad person. You just had a moment. ❤️

how would you have felt if your partner had done the same AND shared it with you?

FWIW, we've had this conversation before and my DH found it funny. Though I was very clear that I would be taking him for as much as I could get, not managing alone . But I can see how it would be a slightly touchy subject for your DP so good that you've apologised.

@MessAllOver

FWIW, we've had this conversation before and my DH found it funny. Though I was very clear that I would be taking him for as much as I could get, not managing alone . But I can see how it would be a slightly touchy subject for your DP so good that you've apologised.

I did back track a little and say I'm not saying I'd be emotionally fine, I'd be a mess if you left me, I'm just saying financially. It didn't seem to make a difference.

Sorted now, but yeah... Not my finest moment.