To say "I'd be fine without you"?

[pregandhormonal]

NC for this because I feel like a bit of a prat and am fully prepared to be told I am BU. 😂

Back story- I have a dc from previous relationship (13yo). With my dc I was mostly a single a mum for much of their life, with some input from their dad but I mostly did it myself (financially and practically).

Been with current DP for 5 years, very happy, no issues - he’s a decent man and he does a lot for me and my dc. Currently pregnant with our first baby together (due very soon).

Yesterday I went into panic mode - no idea why. I can only assume it was some sort of hormonal meltdown. I kept thinking to myself “what if DP left me? What if I end up a single mum to two this time? Would I manage?” Etc... These silly thoughts were on a loop in my mind.

So I worked out what my financial situation would be without DP in the picture (assuming worst case scenario - ie if he left me and also refused to pay maintenance). I was actually relieved to discover that, if I downsized to a smaller house, it would be quite comfortably doable without him.

Now this is where I think the unreasonable part comes in ... I then shared this information with him. I showed him my calculations and said something like: “Ive worked out that if you left me and the baby, I'd manage absolutely fine” (I was saying this in a lighthearted manner), then showed him my calculations. He looked quite offended and got a bit miffed, telling me to “just stop” and that he didn’t want to hear how “fine” I’d be without him. He wasn’t aggressive (he isn’t like that), just quite firm and clearly a bit fucked off (I rarely see him like this so it took me aback a little).

I explained to him it was just coming from a place of insecurity about having done it by myself once before and fear of being in that situation again (and probably preg hormones taking over!) Anyway it’s all fine now - we moved on quite quickly and I apologised.

But it’s been on my mind since - I feel like I acted like an irrational, hormonal weirdo. Am I letting my past situation of being a single mum take over and make me insecure about doing it again myself? Is this a non-issue that I need to stop thinking about?

YABU - No wonder he was offended by the suggestion you'd be fine without him - this is a new baby with a new partner, stop letting your past overcome you.

YANBU - it’s understandable you feel the way you do and voiced it to DP - can’t see why he had an issue with this.

Ah saw your update. Yes hormones don't help!

YABVU. I think that was really quite cruel and very hurtful.

50% YABU / 50% YANBU

I can see why you're thinking this way, but I can also see why your partner was hurt (if you reversed the situation, how would you feel?).

Also agree reasonable and understandable to have this thought cross your mind and to reassure yourself by doing the sums, but I think you should have kept that in your head or spoken to a friend about it rather than your partner! No wonder he was offended!

It's one thing to do the maths for your own reassurance but to tell him the way that you did is really insensitive.

You were absolutely not unreasonable to do the calculations. It is very important to know where you stand.

I think showing him like that was unreasonable. Imagine if he sprung that on you - "Hey, pregandhormonal, look I've just spent an hour working out that I don't need you in my life!"

The only time that I would bring up something like that would be if I said "DP, we have a baby on the way and I want to go over worst case scenarios with you... talk about life insurance etc... what would happen if I was gone, what would happen if you were gone, what would happen if we both go... it's not a nice conversation but I want to make sure the DCs are looked after no matter what."

@MuddleMoo

How would you have felt if he'd told you he'd worked out he can look after the baby himself without you?

Good point. I'd have felt really fucking shit.

A big YABU for showing him, doing the calculation is understandable given your history, but showing him I think was mean!

I'm midway between you being unreasonable and reasonable. Both positions are understandable. Just take time to think about how your DP feels and try to explain to him. Then move on, don't bear yourself up about it!

@MuddleMoo

Ah saw your update. Yes hormones don't help!

Definitely not!

I did the same thing once OP, but before we had a child. I have terrible abandonment fears stemming from my childhood, and I just needed to know I would be ok. I told him, completely without thought (like you, I imagine!), and he said “I thought you were settled?”. His reaction took me by surprise as I hadn’t considered it from his point of view and I can understand now, obviously.

It was nice to know he wasn’t planning to go anywhere though - to even have to think of it comes from a place of fear.

I’d just try to put it behind you.

I didn't go as far as a spreadsheet, but I tell my husband I'd cope fine without him and I would. I think some of us have learned to know we can only rely on ourselves. It's a compliment to my husband though, I'm with him because I want to be, not need to be.

I think it’s a mixture of the two so I haven’t voted.

I have told DP I would be fine without him too, but I made it very clear that it was important to me to be there because I wanted to, not because I had to be. And I want to be with him, I don’t ever want to do it without him, but if I needed to, I could manage my sh1t

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that to be honest. I can appreciate why he may have felt like you were perhaps planning an ‘escape’ or be hurt you find him dispensable (even if you don’t, he may think that now) so maybe you could make it a bit more clear now the dusts settled

I’ve just remembered, I actually went one step further and he found me browsing Right Move for houses I could afford to rent when he left! I actually showed him quite happily what I’d found 🤦‍♀️!!

I’m surprised he didn’t react more strongly thinking back now!

Meh I’m on the same page as you to be honest.

I can see why he’d have felt a bit miffed but for those who are saying “how would you like it if he did the same etc” - well men are rarely left holding the baby are they? The chances of OP having to cope practically and financially as a single parent are far higher than her partners. It’s called reality.

I like to tell my partner if he wants to break up I’d get a live in au pair and carry on with my life and career. He can convert the playroom to a bedsit if he wants to.

We have a good relationship but I am extremely pragmatic, I am not cruel but I make it clear I am not a pushover and won’t ever be treated like one

Plenty of men change after marriage and babies - even those you’d never expect it from.

He’ll get over it OP. Congratulations on the baby!

YABU but pregnancy hormones are the worst so if you haven’t completely cleared the air just reassure him again that you were panicking.

I can understand wanting to know you’ll be ok on your own, but if someone showed me that it would feel almost like a threat

@Osirus

I did the same thing once OP, but before we had a child. I have terrible abandonment fears stemming from my childhood, and I just needed to know I would be ok. I told him, completely without thought (like you, I imagine!), and he said “I thought you were settled?”. His reaction took me by surprise as I hadn’t considered it from his point of view and I can understand now, obviously.

It was nice to know he wasn’t planning to go anywhere though - to even have to think of it comes from a place of fear.

I’d just try to put it behind you.

Yes definitely came from a place of fear. And I sort of presented it to him not really thinking, as you say, just wanted to share the sense of relief with him that "oh it would be fine after all if I suddenly found myself alone".

But in hindsight that was really insensitive on my part. I see that now.

I can see why he’d have felt a bit miffed but for those who are saying “how would you like it if he did the same etc” - well men are rarely left holding the baby are they? The chances of OP having to cope practically and financially as a single parent are far higher than her partners. It’s called reality.

I think I said that to him you know when he was getting really annoyed by it. I said something like "but if one day you decided you'd had enough and walked away, it would be me left behind with the baby wouldn't it?" He sort of got what I was saying (I think)

You've recognised it though so that's a good thing. And you've spoken to him and apologised. Enjoy your pregnancy:)

@pregandhormonal

🙈 I expected these responses to be honest. I've reflected on it today and I honestly can totally see why it pissed him off. We talked it over and over he said he understands I'm scared about being on my own again, but that I need to stop letting that take over. He's right. I think hormones are sending me a bit off at the mo!

Did it really take that much reflection? Surely all you needed to do was imagine how you would feel if he showed you calculations of his finances if you weren’t in the picture. You were rude and thoughtless.

YANBU - to look at your finances and reassure yourself that financially you could cope (might have been better to do that before getting pregnant though!).

But YABVVU & hurtful to point this out to DH, when he's done nothing but be a lovely, decent bloke.

You've seemingly moved on from it, but you need to make an extra (subtle) effort to make him feel loved & wanted.

Pregnancy hormones can be a bitch, but they don't mean you aren't responsible for hurting others.

How is DD feeling about the baby?

I begged my mum (at her age) to have a baby, but she wasn't having any of it and actually if she had I'm not sure I'd have been that happy about the reality of it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Aprilx

I think it did, yeah.
It took a lot of soul searching and figuring out where it came from and why I feel as insecure as I do. Partly hormonal, partly my past experiences I guess. But I accept your comment - I was insensitive. I see that now.

How is DD feeling about the baby?

Very excited and impatient to meet her new sibling.

Tbh, I'd have been tempted to tell you f get on with it then ! But then I can be a stroppy cow, I see you've realised you were massively insensitive, and hopefully you've both moved past it