To say "I'd be fine without you"?

[pregandhormonal]

NC for this because I feel like a bit of a prat and am fully prepared to be told I am BU. 😂

Back story- I have a dc from previous relationship (13yo). With my dc I was mostly a single a mum for much of their life, with some input from their dad but I mostly did it myself (financially and practically).

Been with current DP for 5 years, very happy, no issues - he’s a decent man and he does a lot for me and my dc. Currently pregnant with our first baby together (due very soon).

Yesterday I went into panic mode - no idea why. I can only assume it was some sort of hormonal meltdown. I kept thinking to myself “what if DP left me? What if I end up a single mum to two this time? Would I manage?” Etc... These silly thoughts were on a loop in my mind.

So I worked out what my financial situation would be without DP in the picture (assuming worst case scenario - ie if he left me and also refused to pay maintenance). I was actually relieved to discover that, if I downsized to a smaller house, it would be quite comfortably doable without him.

Now this is where I think the unreasonable part comes in ... I then shared this information with him. I showed him my calculations and said something like: “Ive worked out that if you left me and the baby, I'd manage absolutely fine” (I was saying this in a lighthearted manner), then showed him my calculations. He looked quite offended and got a bit miffed, telling me to “just stop” and that he didn’t want to hear how “fine” I’d be without him. He wasn’t aggressive (he isn’t like that), just quite firm and clearly a bit fucked off (I rarely see him like this so it took me aback a little).

I explained to him it was just coming from a place of insecurity about having done it by myself once before and fear of being in that situation again (and probably preg hormones taking over!) Anyway it’s all fine now - we moved on quite quickly and I apologised.

But it’s been on my mind since - I feel like I acted like an irrational, hormonal weirdo. Am I letting my past situation of being a single mum take over and make me insecure about doing it again myself? Is this a non-issue that I need to stop thinking about?

YABU - No wonder he was offended by the suggestion you'd be fine without him - this is a new baby with a new partner, stop letting your past overcome you.

YANBU - it’s understandable you feel the way you do and voiced it to DP - can’t see why he had an issue with this.

I can totally understand you checking this and working it all out for your own peace of mind. But to show him and tell him? That was thoughtless, I can understand he feels hurt tbh.

Glad it's sorted though, we all do crazy things from time to time especially when pregnant

He may need a little reassurance about how his financial contribution is only a small part of what he provides.
Essentially that’s all you told him, on paper you would be ok financially. His love, friendship, support, hot butt...whatever...would be hard to part with.
It could be worth pointing that out to him since he probably feels a little unwanted.

I understand why you told him. Probably because it felt very emotionally driven and he’s the person you share your feelings with?

And because you wanted him to know that a little bit of you was very, very scared, and you needed him to know that, and you needed his reassurance.

I think about (and talk about) stuff like this.

I think it's totally normal to plan for different scenarios. I've also thought about how dp would manage if I died suddenly.

Awful to tell him. Imagine if he'd done his own calculations and told you he and the baby could manage just fine without you.

Sounds like he's understood you were working out your calculations from a position of fear, not actually contemplating how 'fine' you would be. It was just financial. I wouldn't worry. I remember telling my DH years ago that I would never be a SAHM in case he left me and I needed my own income. He wasn't too pleased that I seemed not to trust him but he accepted that I couldn't be that vulnerable.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

YABU. Poor bloke. I can see why he’d be offended. However, I can see with your past why you’d do it though. You do owe him an apology though.

Yes, if you're not going to be married, you need to sort out all the legal provision. This includes not just wills but various rights to property, benefits inheritance (e.g. life insurance), etc. You don't have to be married, but if you decide not to be, my advice is to consult a solicitor and make sure you have everything covered. Also, don't become a SAHP without being married first, unless you have significant independent assets that you're protecting. Otherwise, you're terribly vulnerable.

YABU. I'm sure you made him feel totally excluded and irrelevant. It's hard enough with him being in a step family without you telling him stuff like that

Working out where you would be financially and practically if the worst happens....sensible. More people should do it before big life decisions/events.

Cheerfully telling him that you would be absolutely fine if he left or (god forbid) passed away.....dick move.

But you got that, and I would say that it probably came from you feeling reassured and perhaps thinking he would feel the same way, without thinking about how it could also be seen as a "I dont need you" type comment.

Glad you sorted it, and next time you get a brilliant idea to tell him something, post it here first, just in case :o

I don't think either of you were in the wrong. I can understand you wanting to work it all out but I'm not sure why you had to prove to him that you'd be ok without him. I would be a little offended over that.

His reaction was absolutely ok. He's allowed to be offended/cross/upset (or however he was feeling) and from the sounds of it he reacted appropriately.

Christ, YABU.

YANBU for having thought it - that's sensible. But showing your partner calculations of how pleasantly surprised you are that you'd be fine without them as though they're going to say "Oh how lovely!" is... weird. If a woman posted on here that her husband had done that they'd be told he was being manipulative or threatening her to behave 'well' because he could easily leave.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Mostly helpful.

To the most recent poster - there was absolutely no "threatening or manipulation" going on. As I've explained repeatedly, this comes from a place of insecurity and fear of being on my own yet again as a single mum, because I struggled a lot and had a lot of guilt for years about "failing" my daughter. I still do sometimes even though it's based on nothing rational and I've done my best, and she's a lovely little girl which I can mostly take the credit for.

But anyway - agreed (as I've said) that showing him was a shitty thing to do. Another poster hit it on the head when she said "I imagine you showed him because he's the person you share things with that you're struggling with" or words to that effect - spot on. Without thinking, I just shared something with him that I thought might bring him the same comfort it did me. Huge lapse of judgment, admittedly.

Anyway, there's nothing much else I can get from this thread now, since DP and I are fine now and I've apologised to him multiple times. I have a baby due in a matter of weeks and need to focus on that.

So thanks all again. I'll be disengaging from this thread now.

It’s fine to work it out but not nice to show it to him YaBU

totally get it.
Quite reasonable and sensible actually.

Put I do think I would have been pretty upset in his position.

My SIL had been married before and then a single mum. I remember in a conversation that she once said to me she would be fine if she and my brother split up. I was so taken aback. She went on to explain something similar to you, and how, having been there once, she knew she was strong enough to do it. She wasn't planning on leaving etc, just knew that about herself.

Think it is something you probably don't say out loud!