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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer wash up

123 replies

ImaHogg · 07/03/2021 13:12

For years and years I have wanted a dishwasher.
DH always says no, in his opinion they are costly to run and our household bills are enough as it is (they are not, dh is just a bloody tight arse).
Would I BU from now on, to only wash up my own bits and leave him to clean up his own mess?
Petty I know but I’m so piss off, this argument has gone on for years and it’s my way of making a protest!
I’m fed up of being the one who does all the washing up. He only does it occasionally.

OP posts:
LittlestBoho · 07/03/2021 18:11

Sounds like he knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Tell him he can pay for a dishwasher or he can pay for a divorce. He'll come around. Wink

Seriously though, if you like him otherwise, could you get couples therapy so you can have an impartial advisor tell him that this level of meanness is not normal in a marriage?

LannieDuck · 07/03/2021 18:19

I have always done all of the household chores and all of the things which involve the kids, it’s always been quite a traditional role and it’s never been an issue but as we’ve gotten older I feel like he thinks I’m now ‘sponging’ off him.

So look OP... if you're equals, you should both be contributing 50% to the household finances, and 50% to the household chores. Or someone does 100% of the breadwinning, and the other person does 100% of the chores (and childcare, normally excluding weekends). The important bit of this is that the breadwinner is acting on behalf of the family unit, so the money (s)he's earning belongs to both people... However, this set-up can become abusive if the breadwinner doesn't acknowledge this.

In your case, you've been doing all of his chores, and he's covering the bills (as he should), but keeping all the residual money for himself. Half of that spare money is morally yours.

Re the kid's bills - if he's expecting you to cover some of the bills, he needs to cover some of the chores.

NigellaSeed · 07/03/2021 18:44

I'm also concerned that, as you work part time, your DH doesn't subsidize your wages so that you have equal money...Confused

LadyCatStark · 07/03/2021 18:45

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

You can minimise washing up by covering your plate / dish / etc with cling film before you use it. Once finished you then just peel the cling film off and your plate / dish / etc. will be as shiny as a new pin.

Note: this does not on frying pans, woks and the like.

That’s the worst advice ever! Cling film is terrible for the environment and the sea creatures that end up eating it or getting trapped in it!

DH tried the same stunt when we moved to a house with no dishwasher, I made him do half of the washing up and we now have a dishwasher 😂.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/03/2021 18:52

@ladycatstark
That's a good point, I'll try switching to foil. Ohh! it may have the added benefit of making a meal appear twice as big!

user1497787065 · 07/03/2021 19:28

I have a fault with my dishwasher and the repair company are not repairing dishwashers during lockdown as they are not deemed to be essential. It is driving me mad, not just from washing up perspective but also when I am home alone during the day they act as a dirty dish cupboard! They are an essential! Leave washing up to him he will soon change his mind.

alibongo5 · 07/03/2021 19:29

[quote TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]@ladycatstark
That's a good point, I'll try switching to foil. Ohh! it may have the added benefit of making a meal appear twice as big![/quote]
I do hope you're joking.

wandawombat · 07/03/2021 19:45

Is he saving for his retirement or both of yours?

I have a friend like this and he's been leaving his kids run out of food at the end of the month, so he can pay the mortgage off.

I would be very wary, as if he gets unbearable about money or panin bogs off, you could be left with very little and at an age where it's difficult to catch up savings/money for everyday.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/03/2021 19:46

@alibongo5
I don't know what you mean... Confused

DinoHat · 07/03/2021 19:48

Just buy one.

TheVolturi · 07/03/2021 19:49

I am the total skivvy in our house, cooking cleaning and washing and everything for five of us. Dh never helps. Dishwasher broke before Xmas and he will not replace it. It's made a really hard job even harder, I must wash up 5 times a day. My hands were sore the other day and he said get some rubber gloves 🙄

CatOnAHotTinHoof · 07/03/2021 19:52

You can buy one for £200 or £300.
Ours has lasted 15 years so will probably work out costing £10 or 15 per year, even less if you consider the savings in water and electricity usage.
He doesn't think you're worth a tenner every year?
He should consider how much a divorce would cost him.

willibald · 07/03/2021 19:57

I would just buy one. Fuck him.

quarentini · 07/03/2021 20:01

Why are you washing up ?
Why is your Dh and your children not helping?
Stop being the household mug and sto doing it all !

PickAChew · 07/03/2021 20:07

Some of you have some bloody awful husbands.

Our dishwasher broke in the new year and dh replaced it with one that was a massive upgrade. He does about half the washing up, anyhow and since he's being hesitant about the varifocals he now needs, sometimes does it pretty badly and gets it in the neck from me. I think he considered it worth it fir a quieter life.

Keeping2ChevronsApart · 07/03/2021 20:08

We moved into our new house last year and it had a built in dishwasher. DP always said the same thing, too expensive, quicker to wash by hand etc. After a few days of moving in and seeing how shiny the tea stained teaspoons were, he was converted! Now we both load as we go and take in turns to empty. We still hold up things like casserole dishes and marvel how new they look 😀

TheVolturi · 07/03/2021 20:11

Mr dh answer is not everyone has a dishwasher you know! I say no, but people in a house of five where only one of them does the housework probably do.

33goingon64 · 07/03/2021 20:12

If he says no to a dishwasher he can do the washing up. My DH doesn't want an induction hob even though I think gas is too hard to clean. He has NEVER cleaned the hob. So we'll be getting induction. Simple.

MessAllOver · 07/03/2021 20:17

@TheVolturi. Why do you tolerate this? Indentured servitude was abolished centuries ago. You deserve better Flowers.

Keeping2ChevronsApart · 07/03/2021 20:17

@33goingon64

If he says no to a dishwasher he can do the washing up. My DH doesn't want an induction hob even though I think gas is too hard to clean. He has NEVER cleaned the hob. So we'll be getting induction. Simple.
Back to my earlier post about moving house. The previous owner also left her cooker behind with a ceramic hob, the difference cleaning it, compared to my gas one I left behind was remarkable

You can probably tell I'm easily pleased!

PerseverancePays · 07/03/2021 20:19

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

You can minimise washing up by covering your plate / dish / etc with cling film before you use it. Once finished you then just peel the cling film off and your plate / dish / etc. will be as shiny as a new pin.

Note: this does not on frying pans, woks and the like.

Please ignore this advice for the excessive use of plastic. I’m sorry to hear about your mother, that must be very hard for you and your father. I bought a second hand nearly new Bosch dishwasher on gumtree for a hundred pounds ten years ago and it’s still going strong. Maybe prioritise a fund for the dishwasher over other things and put it front and centre. Also you need to have a conversation with your lovely husband about money. Agreements should be regularly updated just to check they are still working. Yours clearly isn’t for you.
TheVolturi · 07/03/2021 20:21

@messallover at the moment I am not working and he is. Although our dc are 3, 7 and 8. 8 year old has autism and the middle child is very difficult. I do all of the housework and cooking and childcare. No help from family, no respite, and I have not had a break for an afternoon or an evening for 8 years. I always said how much I appreciated the dishwasher. It did make things so much quicker for me.

sheilatakeasheilatakeabow · 07/03/2021 20:23

Yabu: just buy one if you want one. Why does the man have the final say?

mulberry69 · 07/03/2021 20:24

I could not live without my dishwasher being a family of 4 it is needed. If you want one get one

mineofuselessinformation · 07/03/2021 20:31

You need to put a stop to that financial shit, OP.
Buy a dishwasher and get it installed (which will mean paying for the plumbing if there isn't any in place).
Start telling him you need X amount monthly for the household (and in your shoes I'd be squirrelling some away as your own little nest egg for if this all goes tits up).
A dishwasher isn't just for your benefit FFS.