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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer wash up

123 replies

ImaHogg · 07/03/2021 13:12

For years and years I have wanted a dishwasher.
DH always says no, in his opinion they are costly to run and our household bills are enough as it is (they are not, dh is just a bloody tight arse).
Would I BU from now on, to only wash up my own bits and leave him to clean up his own mess?
Petty I know but I’m so piss off, this argument has gone on for years and it’s my way of making a protest!
I’m fed up of being the one who does all the washing up. He only does it occasionally.

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/03/2021 15:10

Its shit he makes the final decision on something that primarily affects you, because he is also making the decision not to do his own washing up. He cant have it both ways, he either does half the work or pays for a dishwasher to do it. At the moment he is deciding your time is less valuable than his money

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/03/2021 15:10

So YANBU. Just do the bits you need

Yellowfish2020 · 07/03/2021 15:10

What will happen if you don't do it?
I think you're 100% right not to do it btw. Just wondering on the reaction if he's the 'put his foot down' type. Dishwasher is a game changer for me, best purchase ever.

WrongKindOfFace · 07/03/2021 15:11

@WaterBottle123

Hang on, so your lazy, selfish husband denies you access to household money AND won't do his own dishes?

And you tolerate this why?

This. Seriously, if the family has enough money to fund this you should be able to buy one without going cap in hand to your husband.
Chicchicchicchiclana · 07/03/2021 15:12

Yanbu. Stop doing it. He is being the biggest wanker ever.

BlingLoving · 07/03/2021 15:12
  1. As you are doing the washing up, he doesn't really get to have an opinion, does he?
  1. He's quite simply wrong. Dishwashers are energy and water efficient, as well as more hygenic.

I had a similar issue with DH and robot vacuums. In our case, I didn't feel I could over rule him because truthfully he WAS the one doing most of the vacuuming. Except... it was getting less and less regular and I was getting more and more annoyed. So I ordered one.

DH has been known to stop and pat it on his way past he loves it so much.

Saladd0dger · 07/03/2021 15:17

I was in this situation a couple weeks ago. I just bought 1 from ao interest free for a year. I haven’t washed up since it’s amazing lol. Its even cut my fridge cleaning time right down as I chucked the shelves in the dishwasher and a quick wipe inside. Look on Facebook and see if someone is selling one

violetbunny · 07/03/2021 15:56

Hang on, why don't you have access to the family money??

Original poster
ImaHogg · 07/03/2021 16:23

Dish washing strike starts this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImaHogg · 07/03/2021 16:30

@violetbunny

Hang on, why don't you have access to the family money??
Because I don’t earn much and he earns the lions share of the household income therefore has the control as it’s his money. What’s yours is yours what is mine is mine (obviously his view not mine). In his defence he works bloody hard and doesn’t spend money on stuff for himself (he’s putting it all away in his pensions investments cause that’s his only goal in life- to save for retirement at the detriment of the here and now it seems 🤷‍♀️) Most of my small income goes onto stuff for the kids, therefore not much left over for frivolous items aka dishwashers!
OP posts:
VerityWibbleWobble · 07/03/2021 16:32

Because I don’t earn much and he earns the lions share of the household income therefore has the control as it’s his money. What’s yours is yours what is mine is mine (obviously his view not mine).

I seriously don't understand why you remain married to a man that thinks so little of you that you don't have access to his salary, no matter how hard he works.

WrongKindOfFace · 07/03/2021 16:36

That’s not normal, OP. That’s financial abuse.

Astraturf · 07/03/2021 16:36

I'm on a water meter and my bill went down after I got my dishwasher. It hardly uses any water compared to washing up. You can get slim ones but they aren't much cheaper than the standard size.

FireflyRainbow · 07/03/2021 16:40

Don't do any of it OP leave it to build up until he can't even find a clean cup. He lives there too you are not his maid.

MessAllOver · 07/03/2021 16:44

Why don't you have access to money for family things? How old are your kids? Why do you pay for things for them and not him?

I fully support your dishwasher strike but it sounds like it's symptomatic of bigger issues and all the non-financial stuff you do for your family is under-appreciated. One step (or dish) at a time, maybe?

Original poster
ImaHogg · 07/03/2021 16:45

@WrongKindOfFace

That’s not normal, OP. That’s financial abuse.
The older I am getting the more I am coming to this realisation but he never used to be like this, it’s getting worse though.
OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/03/2021 16:46

Because I don’t earn much and he earns the lions share of the household income therefore has the control as it’s his money. What’s yours is yours what is mine is mine (obviously his view not mine).

He's financially abusing you Sad

stampsurprise · 07/03/2021 16:49

Similar tale at this house. He insists on carpets so no hard floors for me. So if dog is sick or other stains get in carpet I make sure he washes it not me! I am happy to wipe anything up in the kitchen and bathroom of course Grin

Original poster
ImaHogg · 07/03/2021 16:54

@MessAllOver

Why don't you have access to money for family things? How old are your kids? Why do you pay for things for them and not him?

I fully support your dishwasher strike but it sounds like it's symptomatic of bigger issues and all the non-financial stuff you do for your family is under-appreciated. One step (or dish) at a time, maybe?

The dc are 13 and 15. I am starting to feel very unappreciated. He believes that as he pays for all the bills it’s up to me to buy the kids clothes, pay for after school activities etc so that’s something I have always done. Tbh I agreed to this and I’ve never questioned it. I have always done all of the household chores and all of the things which involve the kids, it’s always been quite a traditional role and it’s never been an issue but as we’ve gotten older I feel like he thinks I’m now ‘sponging’ off him. I thought we were a team but I am beginning to feel like I am one of the kids and dad makes all the financial decisions. If I really want something and he says no I literally have to make a fuss for days/weeks until he gives in or if he doesn’t relent (as in the dishwasher situation) then we end up having regular arguments about it ffs!
OP posts:
Original poster
ImaHogg · 07/03/2021 16:59

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Because I don’t earn much and he earns the lions share of the household income therefore has the control as it’s his money. What’s yours is yours what is mine is mine (obviously his view not mine).

He's financially abusing you Sad

Do you know that until I joined MN I didn’t even know what financial abuse was. It’s such a difficult thing to comprehend because (and it’s hard to relay this online) he is so lovely in every other way and has stood by me through lots of though times in my life when others may have buggered off. We’ve been together for 30 years, that’s over half my life. His parents are absolute tight wads and I fear he has been taught so well by them that he’s actually morphing into them.
OP posts:
goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 17:12

This is ridiculous

don't ask him, TELL him to buy a dishwasher. It's not a luxury item, it's the most basic appliance (behind washing machine).

violetbunny · 07/03/2021 17:15

Think of it this way. He is effectively telling you that your contribution to the family is nothing, therefore you don't get a right to say how any of the family money is spent. Yet if you hadn't been around, or if you had split up, who would have done all of the childcare and cleaning? He would have had to pay for both of those things. Lastly, who would treat their partner (who they supposedly love) with such a lack of respect? He is depriving you of any financial autonomy.

Honestly OP, you have way bigger problems here than just dishes.

MessAllOver · 07/03/2021 17:18

Why don't you earn as much as him? Who did all the running about when the children were small? Did you facilitate his job?

I currently work part-time looking after my DS (he's in nursery 2.5 days). I earn a fraction of what my DH does but I have full access to joint money and he gives me a large amount of money every year to put in my own savings. This represents the fact that he doesn't pull his weight at home (he works evenings and weekends) and benefits financially from me picking up the slack.

Our dishwasher actually packed up just before Christmas and we paid something like £60 extra for a delivery date before the 25th... no way anyone was handwashing plates in our house on Christmas if it could be helped!

Do your DC help? At those ages, they should be mucking in and not leaving it all to you? You're not the family skivvy!

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/03/2021 17:22

You can minimise washing up by covering your plate / dish / etc with cling film before you use it. Once finished you then just peel the cling film off and your plate / dish / etc. will be as shiny as a new pin.

Note: this does not on frying pans, woks and the like.

Dontbeme · 07/03/2021 18:07

My BIL is like your dh, my poor sister is in her sixties but looks a good fifteen years older, is not allowed access to family money, she wasn't allowed to dye her hair when she started going grey, no make up, no hairdressers, no treats, no nice clothes, she always looks like she had a night's sleep in a ditch, she won't leave or accept help to leave. Her kids learned how to treat her from their father, so they are rude, arrogant and shit as well. His emotional ill treatment of her has now left her physically wrecked, he has just broken her, he is now ill and not likely to live another five years so she will be finally free then, don't have that be your life OP, he says charming things like "why get a dog and bark at the postman yourself?" While laughing and sneering at my sister. These kinds of men don't change, they just get worse with age.

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