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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about this wedding?

108 replies

Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/03/2021 09:42

We've been invited to a wedding in the Canaries which was supposed to be this summer and is now next spring.
It's no kids so lots of our friends are making arrangements to leave kids with grandparents etc.
We don't have anyone to leave our toddler with and I'm pregnant so we'll also have a 5 month old baby by then. I think the options are:

  • DH goes on his own and I stay home with the kids (the groom is his friend)
  • we all go and make a holiday of it for a week and I just stay at the villa/hotel with the kids the day he goes to the wedding
  • I try to find someone here to have the kids - we have a babysitter who used to come pre covid but I feel weird about leaving her in our house for several days

Feels like option 2 is the obvious one but don't know if it will be crap if everyone else is having a kid free holiday!

OP posts:
custardbear · 07/03/2021 21:05

Option 2, perhaps you can walk the kids near the wedding if it's outside to show your face but don't officially go in. Or get a sitter through the hotel

Eekay · 07/03/2021 21:14

In these situations, the mum always ends up in sole charge the kids, even with having agreed a division of labour beforehand.
Wedding events take longer than initially stated, and bleed into each other. Dad occupied much more than he said he would be.
I'd be concerned that I'd spend most of my time wrangling the kids on my own and it seems like a lot of expense to just be doing that in Tenerife instead of home.
I'd rather spend the money on a holiday of my own choosing where both parents are sharing the load.

MrsDoctorDear · 07/03/2021 21:19

I would never use a stranger as a childminder.

I agree with PP the wedding couple want a child free wedding, which I imagine also means not having to feel bad about you sitting alone in your villa looking after your DC.
They would probably be guilted into letting you all attend.

If that were to happen, I'm sure you'd feel the wrath of the guests who actually had to leave their kids at home in another country.

AnnaSW1 · 07/03/2021 21:21

I just wouldn't go

AnnaSW1 · 07/03/2021 21:22

I'd rather have a full holiday rather than one part taken up with a wedding I'm not even going to

MrsDoctorDear · 07/03/2021 21:23

walk the kids near the wedding if it's outside to show your face but don't officially go in.

Don't do that. Again, it's putting pressure on them to let you all attend.
Don't put them in an awkward position.

bonfireheart · 07/03/2021 21:28

If you're happy for DH to go, he goes, you save the money and go on a nice family holiday not dictated by a tedious wedding (cos tbf all weddings are tedious).

TolkiensFallow · 07/03/2021 21:34

I’d just send DH if you aren’t bothered about the impact on leave/finances.

I love weddings abroad but it’s unrealistic to expect people to leave the kids at home.

Eatingsoupwithafork · 07/03/2021 21:50

Option 1. A wedding abroad often means spending chunks of the holiday/wedding with the other guests. If you’re the only couple who brings children it could be awkward.

FWIW I think weddings abroad are great but it’s pretty unrealistic of the wedding couple to ask for no kids at the wedding if many of the invited are parents. It puts a lot of pressure on the guests.

wusbanker · 07/03/2021 21:56

Do you want to go to the wedding? Would you have fun?

If so could you make it a week's holiday with your parents and they look after the kids on the day?

Voice0fReason · 07/03/2021 22:45

It would be a 4 from me.
I'd rather spend the money on a holiday that I had chosen.
The wedding party will take more than one day.

giggly · 07/03/2021 22:56

Who has friends like these in RLConfused
Option 4 ditch the selfish cunts

PicaK · 07/03/2021 23:28

Your DH wants to go... He wants you there so he's not on his own (bless)... So he sorts out what happens to the kids.
Delegate!
Or option 7. Take the babysitting in laws with you..

Original poster
Onedaysomedaynowadays · 08/03/2021 08:38

Option 7 is an absolute no! I like my in laws well enough but not paying for the 4 of us and 2 of them to have a week's holiday, that's madness!

OP posts:
Nickstevie · 08/03/2021 08:40

@Onedaysomedaynowadays it’s not madness I do that often with my babysitting in laws, it’s a win for everyone.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/03/2021 08:40

1 or 2

Shodan · 08/03/2021 09:00

I'd just let your DH go by himself.

You don't sound overly keen on a week in Tenerife anyway. And it's not a given that you'll have fabulous weather either- I went to Tenerife in the spring once and it was cold, rainy and very miserable.

NoseinBook3 · 08/03/2021 09:04

Nah. If it were a very close friend OH might go on his own. If not a close friend then we probably wouldn’t give it headspace.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/03/2021 09:56

[quote Nickstevie]@Onedaysomedaynowadays it’s not madness I do that often with my babysitting in laws, it’s a win for everyone.[/quote]
But it would be madness in the OP’s case, given that she’s not that fussed about going to Tenerife anyway!

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2021 10:00

@Onedaysomedaynowadays

It's now all kicked off with everyone disagreeing on whether to take kids and who is sharing a villa with who! 😂 Turns out we're not the only ones with childcare issues...

Starting to look like more of a headache than it's worth!

On the other hand, a few of you with kids share a villa, and hire through an agency adequate childcare? If you have two and the other family have two you might need 2 so not much of a cost saving but you'll be in it together at leaat
gannett · 08/03/2021 10:02

@giggly

Who has friends like these in RLConfused Option 4 ditch the selfish cunts
You sound a great deal less pleasant than a couple who just want to do a wedding the way they like.

OP option 1 sounds best for you. Option 2 carries a lot of potential awkwardness with it and you don't sound especially bothered about going anyway. Then it's up to your husband whether he cares enough to go alone or doesn't bother because he wants you there.

A lot of extreme over-reactions in this thread to something that shouldn't involve any drama.

Couples who want child-free weddings (and destination weddings) are perfectly aware that this means some guests can't come. They don't mind. They're not offended if it doesn't work for you.

bridgetreilly · 08/03/2021 10:08

I would not go. Any of you. It's fine. If the groom is actually a friend, he'll understand that overseas no kids weddings are not going to work for families with childre.

londonscalling · 08/03/2021 10:15

I wouldn't go.

If you take option 2 then I wouldn't imagine you will be meeting up with your other friends out there. They won't want to have your kids in tow for the few days that they can have peace and quiet away from their own kids. They won't want to go to kid friendly restaurants and bars or eat early etc.

I think you may very much be on your own out there with your kids.

Just decline and go somewhere of your choice when you went!

Ponoka7 · 08/03/2021 10:15

Option 1. A destination wedding isn't just about the day. People see each other over at least four days. Your DH will have to be away from you and the children for more than a day. He should make it a three/four day trip.

bourbonne · 08/03/2021 10:23

@StopGuacAndRoll

Since we are just adding options we feel like, I suggest:

Option 5 - RUDELY decline

Grin I like this one. I wouldn't go. It won't be fun feeling like your children are personae non gratae to be hidden away, and like you're a nursemaid.