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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about this wedding?

108 replies

Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/03/2021 09:42

We've been invited to a wedding in the Canaries which was supposed to be this summer and is now next spring.
It's no kids so lots of our friends are making arrangements to leave kids with grandparents etc.
We don't have anyone to leave our toddler with and I'm pregnant so we'll also have a 5 month old baby by then. I think the options are:

  • DH goes on his own and I stay home with the kids (the groom is his friend)
  • we all go and make a holiday of it for a week and I just stay at the villa/hotel with the kids the day he goes to the wedding
  • I try to find someone here to have the kids - we have a babysitter who used to come pre covid but I feel weird about leaving her in our house for several days

Feels like option 2 is the obvious one but don't know if it will be crap if everyone else is having a kid free holiday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/03/2021 10:23

@AmazingCoffee

(But actually 2 sounds great to me! I get a holiday and don't have to go to the actual wedding!).
This is kinda what I was thinking 😂
OP posts:
Figgygal · 07/03/2021 10:27

Option two I understand the attractiveness but you’d be naive to think a big group of friends away for a wedding like that the only time they’re going to get together is the wedding itself so you’ll either be stuck there on your own a lot more than you realise or you will be judged for trying to attend things with the kids when everyone else has left theirs at home

Youllbeoldertoo · 07/03/2021 10:27

Option 1 or 2.

But option 2 they may feel pressured into inviting the kids

M0rT · 07/03/2021 10:40

I've been to two weddings in the Canaries, one was child friendly and one not.
At both for the week around the wedding most people were there and multiple wedding events happened.
Meet and greet, wedding and then post wedding thanks for coming.
It seems to be part of the standard package so would expect something similar for this wedding.
I felt sorry for the people who tried to make the non child friendly one a family holiday.
It was the women bringing small kids to a meal starting at their bedtime and then leaving alone while the father stayed out drinking. Wasn't even always the father's friend/family wedding!
The child friendly one was a bit different as events were scheduled earlier, also the holiday kind of divided into the people with DC going home earlier and meeting up at pools/doing water park things in the days and the childfree meeting for dinner and staying out drinking later.
I have no DC so was in the adult only group but it seemed to work well for everyone and couples with DC took a night each out and then some of them swapped babysitting so they could have a couples night out.
I think unless your DH is happy to only do the wedding and none of the events around it I'd leave him off and go on a holiday to a destination of your choosing another time.

DavidsSchitt · 07/03/2021 10:58

"Got no issue with DH going and I'll just stay home with the kids. Am not bothered about going for a week in Tenerife, would rather go somewhere we choose ourselves"

Well then you've just answered your own question surely?!

Original poster
Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/03/2021 11:01

@DavidsSchitt

"Got no issue with DH going and I'll just stay home with the kids. Am not bothered about going for a week in Tenerife, would rather go somewhere we choose ourselves"

Well then you've just answered your own question surely?!

I think he's quite keen that we go together as all the others are bringing wives
OP posts:
TheLumpySofaCushion · 07/03/2021 11:02

Where would you be staying, OP?

I can't see the other guests will be happy with hotels with high chairs and kids pools if they've left their own kids at home...

Bluntpencil · 07/03/2021 11:06

If you go with option 2 then you can’t expect to hang out with the wedding group with your DC, that wouldn’t be fair on the other guests. I think I would book a different resort, with kids and DH goes to wedding/some (not all) events like dinners on his own, taxis are cheap there. Check out TUI family Blue, great for DC.

SycamoreGap · 07/03/2021 11:08

Option 4 and spend the money on a family holiday. Expecting people to fly off to the Canaries and leave the children at home is not an option for everyone. And like others have said it won’t just be the wedding ceremony and meal - it will be at least 3 days of celebrations where your children won’t be welcome.

From my point of view the children are too young to be left with a sitter you find when you get there.

Sahm101 · 07/03/2021 11:09

If everyone is leaving their kids behind, they aren't going to be happy to accommodate anyone else's! So that means most things you will be doing by yourself as times won't be moved around the kids. It would be pretty lonely for you I would imagine. And wouldn't really be a break, if you have the kids. I would just stay home, it would be more annoying with all that faff to do what you basically do at home. If your dh wants to go then he should.

Lemmeout · 07/03/2021 11:10

Depends how much your Dh wants to go. Possibly let him go alone.
I wouldn’t holiday with all the single people whilst I had children in tow. It has been my experience that meals out will be you parenting. DH enjoying company of his mates. You’ll leave early to put tired kids to bed and he’ll stay up late drinking. Nah. I hated those tag along experiences.
Depends on your husband I suppose.

Radio4Rocks · 07/03/2021 11:12

Don't go, OP.

Destination weddings are very rude - unless the couple pay all expenses.

lavenderlou · 07/03/2021 11:15

If you would like to go on holiday to the Canaries then Option 2. If you don't particularly want to (and IMO holidays with a toddler and young baby are not that much fun) and would prefer to save the money for something else than either DH goes alone or none of you go. I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my DC with a babysitter for several days at that age, especially of I was in a different country, although I know others would be happy to, so that jist depends how you personally feel about it.

HettieHelvetica · 07/03/2021 11:16

I don't think 2's a great option to be honest. You're not likely that have a "great" holiday, you're likely to have an expensive holiday at a time and a venue that at best isn't optimal for and a worst is isn't suitable for your family group. I can see your DH being torn between the wedding group and his family all week, the bride and groom being resentful of your kids for changing the tone, and you walking on eggshells and having a stressful time.

If DH is close to the groom, I'd send him for a couple of days, otherwise I'd decline, save the money and have my oven sanity.

Bluntpencil · 07/03/2021 11:17

Also baby sitters are very difficult to find in the canaries, hotels don’t want the liability, kids club reps used to do in their own time but then tour operators banned it.

hennybeans · 07/03/2021 11:21

Having a wedding abroad with all your friends and family sounds great when it's your wedding, you're child free, and you don't know any better.

But weddings like that are a real imposition to many of the guests. If I had the chance to have a baby sitter for long weekend and spare money to go away with DH, I would want to choose my own holiday as it's so rare and precious. It's just such a big ask of people.

I would either all of you not go or just send DH if he's gutted to miss it and it's a close friend. I would only bring all my family out there if it was a sibling wedding or the like and everyone would be happy to see my DC. Nobody will want to be around young DC if it's a child free wedding and holiday.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/03/2021 11:23

Only on MN, when there’s a choice of three options, could the most popular one be ‘option four’...

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/03/2021 11:30

1 if you can easily afford it. 4 if not.

Ohdoleavemealone · 07/03/2021 11:39

I'd say option 1 as you have said you are not bothered about going to Tenerife. Save the money for somewhere you want to attend. DH can go for 3 nights and job be done.

Ikora · 07/03/2021 11:58

I have flown overseas for many wedding over the years as my family actually live in those countries. I have never travelled to a wedding just because someone fancies getting married in another country.

I think deep down you need a cost benefit analysis of if you truly like those people enough to put yourself out for any scenario that involves you not attending.

DavidsSchitt · 07/03/2021 12:21

"I think he's quite keen that we go together as all the others are bringing wives"

But none of them are bringing kids. Your kids will completely change the dynamic for everyone there, it's not just the wedding itself, it's the whole trip from start to finish.

You really can't take them along on this trip so he goes it alone or not at all.

MsHedgehog · 07/03/2021 12:22

The only thing to remember about Option 2 is that it won’t be just the wedding day. I’ve been to destination weddings, and in the days before the wedding there are often lots of nights out and sometimes lunches. Your DH will want to go to that and it could cause resentment between you both - you wanting him to stay with you and the kids and him being torn between going out with his friends or staying with you guys.

pantryfood · 07/03/2021 12:23

hhjgfjkiuyio vryrtutfghn tghj tguytuj

DavidsSchitt · 07/03/2021 12:25

Hi @pantryfood's kid 👋🏼

HurricaneBitch · 07/03/2021 12:31

We did option 2, we had 4yo and 7mo and went to Sorrento for a wedding. Had a fabulous time. We had kids so our trip was different to some of the others but everyone was fine with it, we did our own thing when they were drinking etc.