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Original poster

What to do about this wedding?

108 replies

Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/03/2021 09:42

We've been invited to a wedding in the Canaries which was supposed to be this summer and is now next spring.
It's no kids so lots of our friends are making arrangements to leave kids with grandparents etc.
We don't have anyone to leave our toddler with and I'm pregnant so we'll also have a 5 month old baby by then. I think the options are:

  • DH goes on his own and I stay home with the kids (the groom is his friend)
  • we all go and make a holiday of it for a week and I just stay at the villa/hotel with the kids the day he goes to the wedding
  • I try to find someone here to have the kids - we have a babysitter who used to come pre covid but I feel weird about leaving her in our house for several days

Feels like option 2 is the obvious one but don't know if it will be crap if everyone else is having a kid free holiday!

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 07/03/2021 12:32

@Onedaysomedaynowadays Defo option 2. Why should YOU miss out?

As an aside, I fucking HATE the 'no kids' rule that some people have at weddings.' I know people are entitled to say 'no kids' but they shouldn't be shocked when people don't go.

Someone I know (Lucy,) said 'no kids' at her wedding in 2019, and out of 120 guests invited, around 20% didn't come because they couldn't get anyone to look after the kids. Eg, her cousin Lily had 3 kids, and her cousin's parents (her aunt and uncle,) wouldn't go either, as she said it wasn't fair that Lily was missing out.

So that was 3 people not going straight away. The same thing happened with a dozen or so others...

The young mum/young parents with little kids couldn't go, so their parents didn't go either because they felt it unfair that people were being left out...

littlepattilou · 07/03/2021 12:34

Posted too soon...

So because of the 'no kids' rule, Lucy ended up losing some 20% of her wedding guests...

veeeeh · 07/03/2021 12:37

Speaking personally, I would never attend a destination wedding, ever. Such a selfish thing to put people under pressure to spend a fortune in a place they might not ordinarily prefer to spend a week, not to mind a few days.

Some love them, I get that, but that cohort can afford it, bring the kids and "pretend" they are having the holiday of their choice in the B+G's destination.

Sorry now, but that's me.

DavidsSchitt · 07/03/2021 13:04

"her cousin Lily had 3 kids, and her cousin's parents (her aunt and uncle,) wouldn't go either, as she said it wasn't fair that Lily was missing out."

Well that's just pathetic 😂 of Lily and her parents, not Lucy.

A grown woman, a mother of 3, and she's throwing her toys out of the pram because she thinks she's missing out? And her parents start wailing that it's "not fair" and refuse to go to their nieces wedding!

Daft.

TurquoiseDragon · 07/03/2021 14:55

@DavidsSchitt

"I think he's quite keen that we go together as all the others are bringing wives"

But none of them are bringing kids. Your kids will completely change the dynamic for everyone there, it's not just the wedding itself, it's the whole trip from start to finish.

You really can't take them along on this trip so he goes it alone or not at all.

I agree with this.

Whatever you choose to do, don't take the kids.

I also wouldn''t bother with trying to create a family holiday around it, as there will likely be wedding events in addition to the wedding, and your DH will be torn trying.

Original poster
Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/03/2021 17:00

It's now all kicked off with everyone disagreeing on whether to take kids and who is sharing a villa with who! 😂 Turns out we're not the only ones with childcare issues...

Starting to look like more of a headache than it's worth!

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/03/2021 18:04

I love a wedding thread. I have been missing reading about unreasonable weddings during lockdown.

MissConductUS · 07/03/2021 18:10

@RampantIvy

I love a wedding thread. I have been missing reading about unreasonable weddings during lockdown.
Me too, especially the ones that are drastically under catered and the guests are left to compete for scraps at the buffet. Or the ones where the guests get way too drunk and there are few punch ups that shut down the reception. Bonus points if the police have to be called.
Notaroadrunner · 07/03/2021 18:14

@Onedaysomedaynowadays

It's now all kicked off with everyone disagreeing on whether to take kids and who is sharing a villa with who! 😂 Turns out we're not the only ones with childcare issues...

Starting to look like more of a headache than it's worth!

The easiest thing is to decline the invite and forget about it. You'll have a headache from now until the day if you decide to go. If you say you are going and will be giving the wedding a miss, you know well some others will bring their kids and expect you to babysit. There's no way in hell I'd share a villa with family, let alone friends. So yes, it's definitely more of a headache than it's worth.
BackforGood · 07/03/2021 18:29

I love a wedding thread. I have been missing reading about unreasonable weddings during lockdown.

Same Grin

It depends on lots of things - how close is dh to the groom ?
How much annual leave does dh get ? If it is a fairly standard amount, I wouldn't really be too chuffed with him using a week of it up to holiday without me and young dc.

Is there an option for dh to go over for a long weekend, therefore seeing his pal get married but perhaps only using a day's annual leave.
Will also depend on your finances
Will also depend if you are likely to 'go to the canaries for a week' for your family holiday - in which case it seems sensible to book somewhere close so he can join the wedding on the day - or, if that isn't what you would do with dc of that age, in which case don't go.
As you are already finding out, I don't think you will be the only ones with this issue. Grandparents willing to have dc overnight whilst you go out somewhere is quite a different scenario from Grandparents being willing to have dc for a week whilst you swan off abroad.

Original poster
Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/03/2021 19:04

Quite close, same uni friendship group.
Shift worker with more time off than the standard annual leave in an office.
In laws would have kids overnight for one night but not comfortable with more than that particularly with a youngish baby

OP posts:
Youllbeoldertoo · 07/03/2021 19:30

@Onedaysomedaynowadays why don’t all the people with kids stay in a villa and have a great time and then those not going to the wedding because of childcare can hang out together on the day of the wedding

bananaboats · 07/03/2021 19:47

I would decline unless it was very close friends.

hedgehogger1 · 07/03/2021 19:51

Option 4. I wouldn't want my holiday or the spending of my household money dictated to me by someone else's wedding

MrsDoctorDear · 07/03/2021 19:59

If you are going to stay home, get in there first before others start declining.

I wouldn't be sharing villa's and getting into that mess. Let DH go for a few days, he can bunk in with someone.

Do your family holiday later on.

PatchworkElmer · 07/03/2021 20:02

I wouldn’t go. DH could go if he wanted but I’m not sure he’d want to spend that kind money and annual leave away from us. Honestly I think that people should be able to have the wedding they want, but they need to accept that child free weddings in foreign countries when lots of your friends have children just aren’t feasible for a lot of guests.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/03/2021 20:05

Honestly I would do option 1.

I can't imagine wanting to leave such young children with a total stranger in a foreign country for hours? At that age children can be terrified by being left with strangers, it doesnt matter how qualified they are your child doesnt know them from Adam and doesn't understand why they are being left.

If you don't do that and all go out there it's still only your DH going to the wedding you are just pissing money away on a holiday you wouldnt choose.

BestOption · 07/03/2021 20:09

How well do you get on with the others?

Would you choose to go on holiday eith them?

When I was younger, I went on plenty of these holidays with couples/groups & babysat the kids in return fir flights/accommodation/but of spending money. Do any of them have a nanny/niece/babysitter you could chip in for the cost of?

VerbenaGirl · 07/03/2021 20:16

I think in these circumstances we would have taken a family decision not to go. Sometimes these things really aren’t doable when you have very young children.

sunflowertulip · 07/03/2021 20:21

I'm in a similar situation but it's my very good friend. I'm going alone. I don't want to both be abroad with children a flight away for one and secondly, I want to have an awesome holiday with my friends and, as children are not invited, we wouldn't be able to join in on the other days as not very child friendly. Going for 4 nights and it's going to be amazing. There was no pressure to attend but it's where one of the grooms is from, and the other his family mostly live abroad so it makes sense for them.

I probably wouldn't bother going if it wasn't such a good friend with loads of mutual friends. It would be more fun with my husband though.

Knitterbabe · 07/03/2021 20:41

We had a child free wedding; not a problem as we were the first of our friendship group to get married and there were no young family, just teenagers.
My sister also had a child free wedding, by then we had nine month old twins. There was no one to leave them with as family were all going to the wedding. We arranged a babysitter through the hotel ( where we were staying and the reception was held) and planned to leave twins with her until after the meal, when DSis said they could join the reception.
After the ceremony we popped back to see that they were ok. They were distraught, both had been crying hysterically most of the time we were away. The babysitter was at her wits end and said she couldn’t cope with the test of the day. I felt terrible seeing their poor swollen eyes. We took turns with them for the rest of the day ( I was matron of honour and DH was an usher).

nitsandwormsdodger · 07/03/2021 20:47

Option 4
All go have a nice holiday
Find a local babysitter for the few hours of the wedding

MixedUpFiles · 07/03/2021 20:56

I’d just skip the whole thing. Child free destination weddings aren’t for people trying to invite friends with kids. Save your money and your sanity and stay home.

Livpool · 07/03/2021 20:58

I understand people can choose h to not own weddings but abroad with no children seems ridiculous.

They could hire a crèche for all their friends with children if they were so bothered I suppose

MixedUpFiles · 07/03/2021 21:02

I think people’s responses also depend on their views on unknown child care. We don’t use babysitters for young children unless they are family or we get a referral from a trusted friend. Hotel sitters are not an option.

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