To DH would stop handing me random stuff .

[Cheeseismymiddlename]

DH has a habit of asking me to hold stuff, put stuff away or pass him stuff if I’m marginally closer to it then he is . I stupidly then stick out my hand to find myself blessed with various bits and bobs to dispose of or put away. For example ,
Hang up keys
Dispose of coffee pod
Change the TV remote
Put something in a drawer I’m closer too.
I can have my hands in a sink of washing up , or be mid chopping something and he’ll ask me to pass something like the tea towel, or turn the oven on.
I used to get robotically do it. Now I’ve realised it’s driving me internally nuts. When I do say no can you get it yourself, or refuse to open my hand out to his next little item for disposal I am asked “why are you being like that !”.
It’s really childish but it’s now absolutely doing my head in, doesn’t help when the children now seem to be following suit.
Oh, and don’t get me started on when I’m asked “ where do you keep ( random item) “ . It’s in the same chuffing place it’s been for the last 5 years. I don’t keep stuff hidden anywhere and you don’t need me to retrieve every little item for you.

You need to reset expectations.

Have you tried explaining how it makes you feel?

If that doesn't work you just have to stop cooperating. Or treat him the exact same way and see how he likes it.

He, and now your kids, are using you to save themselves form having to do/remember the little things.

You're that handy gadget that does everything. The Human Swiss Army Knife and Household Inventory all rolled into one.

Keep on saying no, or where you left it.

And here, have one of my favourite Tom Waits songs, selling just such a gadget!

Well his attitude when you say no would suggest he sees you as the cleaner/fletcher for him.

Maybe instead of a direct no, try pointing out that actually you are washing the dishes, chopping have dirty hands, whatever. This is what I do with DD 8yo to make her assess the situation and stop automatically asking me to do things.

My DS(6) does this and, like you I have the tendency to hand him things without even thinking about it.

I'm now fighting the habit because I don't want him to grow up like your husband, and he too is asking "but why won't you?'. I say "because I don't want you to lose the use of your arms, dear".

'Sure, when I'm finished this' and continue on with what you're at. He'll cop on soon enough that it's quicker to do it himself than stand like an idiot waiting.

It’s a terrible lazy habit on his part.

Good old fashioned sexism at play. If your hands are in a sink of dishes just say you're busy he'll have to grab it himself. My husband had a habit of shouting stupid questions like this from other rooms "where's this that and the other". I too would either answer back (hate shouting in the house so this annoyed the crap out of me) or worse I'd leave what I was doing and go to where he was to answer him/find the thing he could have bloody found himself. What I did? Simply stopped answering. Stayed mute. If he kept shouting I told him I couldn't hear him come to me if he wants something and he'd miraculously be able to find what he was looking for.

Tell him you're not his skivvy, he's a grown man he can put the fucking oven on without assistance!

YANBU. It’s good you’ve stopped doing it, keep at it.

I would keep saying no and conversely start doing it to him.

When it comes to unimportant lost items or they just cant remember. I go for the vague well I don't know, I've not seen it, where did you last have it.
For passing things, my hands are wet/mucky, I'm just going to the loo/bin/whatever.
Someone on here ages ago said embrace your inner sybil with upset toddlers, I found it works on men too

@TheYearOfSmallThings. I’ll remember your reply for next time .

One of our teens does this. I call it ‘outsourcing thinking’. It’s maddening.

I pressed YABU by accident!

YANBU. It’s kind of pathetic... Start wearing headphones in the house so you can’t hear his requests.

@Sunhoop, and yes to shouting things at me from another room so I stop what I’m doing and go to him. Actually, I’ve canned that now. He still talks loudly from another room, I just loudly say back “ you do realise I’m in another room “ .

I pressed YABU by accident

You can just press the other option and it will change for you.

Have you ever done it back to him?

I imagine he would look rather confused and you can explain - "You do this to me all the time, why can't I do it to you too?"

"Mummy's got her hands full". Usually used for toddlers but perhaps appropriate for your DH too?!

I think Ruggerhug’s response is really good.
It de-escalates and points out that he could check out what you are doing before asking.
If you don’t like his reaction when you say no, you need to bring this habit up not in the moment. So not when he’s just pissed you off by doing it. You are going to need to sit down and talk to him. If he hasn’t learned by now, you need to be direct.

When he hands you something say "what are you doing? I don't want that" it will make him think.

I was going to say that you should just tell him where the item goes when he attempts to hand it to you, and then change the subject.

I like the idea above though, where you start handing him random things.

I think you should go out of your way to find him though. Ie) walk into living room with the salt grinder. Hand it to him and ask if he can put it away. Wander back to kitchen.

Agree with others you need to readdress the balance and stop automatically doing things but a word of warning too. In my first marriage over time we became very hard with each other. Everything had to be 'fair' and we actually stopped being kid and helpful to each other. I didn't see it until we split but in my second marriage my DH is the kindest man. He will literally do anything for you and I ave to check myself to STOP myself taking advantage of that! What it has taught me is that kindness isn't about fairness. It depends on what makes you and those we love, our team mates if you will, happy. You're in it together after all.

That said of course speak up if he's taking the pi** but I like other suggestions to explain why. 'Well actually I'm washing up so can you sort it yourself please?'

But there will be occasions too when you actually are better placed. Take it from me, don't get trapped in that petty place where your eyeing up the distance between you both and the bin to see who's closest!

When he next asks why are you being like this, tell him it's because you are sick of being treated like his personal servant.

I used to get the constant where is... I got fed up and started saying no idea, you should look for it.

I have several handy phrases.

My brain is busy, use your own.
What did your last slave die of, overwork?
Yes of course, you cook the dinner and I'll look for your keys.

He's acting like a toddler and thinks you're his mum. Yuck.

I'm currently training an 8yo out of this. I think by that age they can carry scissors safely, change a battery and know where things are kept.

When we we're out, an ex used to always give me the wrappers from the food after he'd finished eating.

Then I noticed he did it to his mum when we were with her.

I started telling him I'm not his mum and to find a damn bin.

He’s a lazy CF. I would resist this stuff. You’re not his servant. If DH ever wants me to find something/tell him where it is, he will start his request with an acknowledgment that it’s not my job.