PUSHY, RUDE, AGGRESSIVE AND TOTALLY OBNOXIOUS - AIBU TO WANT HER TO JUST SOD OFF?

[somthinginthewoodshed]

A woman came into the lives of myself and three friends around four years ago. She was quite pushy and made it clear she wanted to join our small circle. We didn’t mind - at first that is - as she shared many of our values and appeared friendly. As time went on though, this woman became an encumbrance and it was clear she had a massive chip on her shoulder: martyred, continually complaining, rude, and just plain offensive doesn’t come into it. Frankly her presence was draining and we were all tired of hearing about the bitter blows life dealt her despite our efforts to do nice things for her with no thanks. Since lockdown, not having her in our lives has been an utter relief but we are all dreading the time when restrictions are lifted because she will appear once again in our circle. We would like to tell her to just ‘Sod Off’ but as she was introduced to us by a friend whom we hold in high regard this is going to be difficult without offending the friend. AIBU to tell this woman to sod off? What would you do?

What exactly has she done?

Are you a servant at the Palace?

Has she infiltrated the WI?

@Cloudesley

Are you a servant at the Palace?

What do you mean by a friend you hold in high regard?

Does the friend not allow anyone to disagree with them, how strange

You do seem a bit formal. Surely you don’t need to act as a pack, can’t you decide what to do on your own?

ODFOD, a good Mumsnet saying.

Not to you OP!

Are you sure the friend you highly regard actually likes you, and wasn’t just wanting to offload loud person onto you?

How do you see the available options Opie?

AIBU to tell this woman to sod off?

Yes that would be unreasonable and cruel.

What you can do is limit your own interactions with her where possible. Give responses that don’t lead to further conversations, physically move to somewhere else when she is there.

My question is.......why is the thread title in capital letters 🤔

Just stop including her in things, friends aren’t meant to be a constant drain on each other . Who cares what the ‘held in high regard’ friend thinks.

@UhtredRagnarson

AIBU to tell this woman to sod off?

Yes that would be unreasonable and cruel.

What you can do is limit your own interactions with her where possible. Give responses that don’t lead to further conversations, physically move to somewhere else when she is there.

A direct “sod off” can be kinder than the deliberate freezing out.

Certainly quicker anyway.

In a similar boat (though it was a mutual male friend who made a nuisance of himself through having a romantic interest) unfortunately the only way I could be rid of him was avoid anything he’d be at. I was honest about why to the friend I really held in high regard but she really liked him and didn’t understand my discomfort. As a result,
we now don’t have a friendship and there’s an entire friendship circle I’ve lost out on. The thing is, my free time is valuable, and socialising when he was there had come to be something I absolutely dreaded because I couldn’t get rid of him or get 10 minutes to talk to other friends in peace. He was like a leech. So...I don’t miss that but I do miss how things used to be before he became annoying. I did explain to my friend but she really adored him and I never felt comfortable saying “I will go if James isn’t there” as that was unfair on her.

In another scenario, I was latched on to by a woman who was loud, pushy, made everything political, tried to force single friends to go on blind dates, said awful things (racist, insensitive, cruel etc) but all under the guise of having “no filter”. Myself and my other friends did end up just ghosting her individually at some point. I’m ashamed to say. It wasn’t a group decision more that we all individually reached our boiling points and just stopped responding. She ended up having children at the same school as another friend and became known as a nuisance. I’m sure she will be one of the “why are women so bitchy/cruel at the school gates?” posters on here! However, she just had a very very difficult personality, was pushy and rude. Some people are unfortunately and once someone told me that we don’t need to be friends with EVERYONE, I finally gave myself permission to only spend time with friendships I enjoy.

If the group majority is that this woman is upsetting you all, you should be ok as on the same page. If you are the only one who doesn’t want this woman in your life anymore, you may need to risk losing the friendship group entirely. Only you know if it’s worth it.

OP, you don’t like this woman, which is you prerogative. But whether the others in your clique want to spend time with her is up to them, surely?

What!?

@MajorMujer - I wondered why the OP was shouting at us too

WHY NOT JUST TRY TO LET THE FRIENDSHIP DIE OUT NATURALLY, LIKE LOTS OF FRIENDSHIPS DO? YOU WOULD BE OUT OF ORDER TO TELL HER TO SOD OFF, ESPECIALLY AS YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER BEING RUDE.

There's no reason to keep hanging out with someone you don't get along with.
You can withdraw gently and kindly or you can be rude. Handle it however you feel is best?
You seem to be asking for permission rather than advise.

Lol

Worra

If she gets pushy, can't you just tell her she's being a bit too determined and to back off. She may not realise she's being too full on.

And yes, can't you act as individuals? Why do you need to turn on her encases