Death of a difficult elderly family member.

[Sittinonthesand]

Just wondering if aibu about my feelings - or rather lack of them. He could be very unkind, judgemental, snobbish, no empathy - probably a narcissist. Really horrible about anyone living in difficult circumstances. Fell out with loads of people. But ‘respectable’, middle class, dinner party having, church going. Strongly disliked random, perfectly nice family members. I feel so ‘fake’ about it all - everyone really does knows what he was like but do we all have to pretend to be desperately sad?

My main question is - what do I say if people say how sad it is to me at the funeral? Just ‘yes’ and change the subject? ‘At least they aren’t suffering anymore’?. I would feel very awkward talking in depth - I just need some cliches up my sleeve!

My mum is not a nice person or a happy person but outside the immediate family she puts on an excellent show (because appearances matter to her). I'm constantly being told how lovely she is by people who only see that 'showy ' side of her. I agree and change the subject. If I corrected them and said 'actually no, she's not lovely, she's a cold hearted, stone faced, duplicitous bitch' they wouldn't believe me and I'd look (and be) spiteful and unkind. I'm sure it will be the same at her funeral.

'Fawning' is what I dread.

I suspect I will end up endlessly checking up on the caterers (must pre warn them)

My dad gave a particularly mean speech at my wedding, it's tempting to return that favour.

I suspect one of the positive side effects of covid has for some families been a release from social norms. This will never be quantified or confessesed.

Years and years ago, my wonderful, lovely grandmother had dementia, she lasted 7 years with it. The funeral was mixed, it was the start of being able to remember the lovely bits but the awful effect of the disease was very fresh in everyones minds. Going early with Covid would sadly in this specific case have been a blessing.

@Confusedandshaken I have one like that!
last night she repeated her story of getting dressed up and proudly announcing to the whole unemployment office that the dole wouldn't even pay her hairdressing bill. 'You should have seen their faces' hahaha

I think the service will have to be factual rather than anecdotal.

I'm so glad you could come for X's funeral; It was a moving ceremony; thank goodness it's not raining; if pressed to say something personal or nice: I didn't see X as much in recent years but we were always impressed with his cooking/current affairs/music knowledge etc 😊

@SaharaSavana and OP, you've misread that PP comment about not squandering it. She doesn't mean YOU. She meant the lesson they took away from that funeral was that life is fragile so don't squander your chance at life like the nasty person she knew who had died did. Their dead person was the dick.

Just don't say much. No point in stirring it up at a funeral. Nice of you to come. Thanks for coming.

"what do I say if people say how sad it is to me at the funeral? Just ‘yes’ and change the subject? ‘At least they aren’t suffering anymore’?. I would feel very awkward talking in depth - I just need some cliches up my sleeve!"

Chances are they won't say this. Ime, at funerals of elderly people who were very ill before people don't pretend to be extremely sad. They will say they are in a better place, etc.
And for the difficult personality, they'll say 'what a character' etc. but everyone will know what they mean.
Just seen I've cross posted with "My standard go to is, oh he was definitely a character that won't easily be forgotten."

@starrynight21

Elderly people's funerals are rarely about crying and pretending to be grief-stricken. Most of the people will be saying things like "well he had a good innings" or "he'll be missed at the bowls club". Absolutely nobody will expect you to be showing sadness or grief - he was elderly, he passed away, it's the normal way that we all go.

Just smile and say thank you if anyone sympathises, but honestly it's not likely that they will.

Yes, this is my experience too. Completely different to young people's funerals. People even smile when they see friends and relatives. In the funerals of old people I've been too, the undertakers were the only ones with totally sad faces the whole time, other people were interspersing light jokes with resigned sighs.

'Such a pity his final year was spent in lockdown'

What do you say? As little as possible.

I’m in rehearsal in the much the same mode for one of mine.

I didnt go to my grandmas funeral because she treated my mum badly in life because my mum dared to have a divorce and that was not the 'done thing'. I don't regret not going one bit.

@TeenMinusTests

My uncle was lovely, but difficult and cantankerous. He hadn't had an easy life.

At the funeral the vicar said something to the effect: There are some parishioners I used to look forward to visiting, but X wasn't one of them! I was amazed he said it, but he understood him well.

I was able to tell the vicar afterwards how absolutely lovely DU had been with my DC which I think he liked hearing.

One of our past vicars used to have a sign by his front door which said,

"Everyone who enters here brings joy.

Some when they enter.

Some when they leave".

Vicars are only human too. ( The best ones, anyway).

YANBU at ALL @Sittinonthesand

Slightly different situation, but at a place I worked at some 20 years ago, there was a man in his late 30s there. He was in lower management, so had 'power' over the 'ordinary hourly-paid' staff. He was a HORRIBLE man.

He was misogynistic, and rude, and bad-tempered ALL THE TIME. Whenever anyone needed the safe key to get change, or vouchers or something, he would sigh so loudly that the roof tiles lifted, and if it was a girl/woman asking, 'he'd say 'bloody women!' and would scowl, and then huff and puff with frustration at being 'bothered.'

I dreaded having to speak to him, and so did some of the others. With his lower management and middle management colleagues, he was not quite so vile, but he was less patient and more arsey with the FEMALE ones. He'd call hem dim,' thick, stupid, and all sorts when they got the slightest thing wrong...

He also refused to let people go for a break on their 6 hour shift, or to the loo when they needed to. He was a bully. He reduced many girls (and even a few boys) to tears quite often, and even drove a few of them out of the job as he was so vile.

So long story short, he died aged 41 of a sudden heart attack. Had it at home (he was single,) and wasn't discovered for 2 days when a colleague went to see where he was on the Tuesday, as he hadn't been in on the Monday, and hasn't answered any calls. (Apparently he had died on the Sunday.)

When told by the Manager of the place, that this man's funeral was 'next Wednesday,' myself, and a number of others (maybe 10 of us,) said we wouldn't be going. Most people went (about 30 people,) even though half of those 30 couldn't stand him, but 10 of us didn't go...

When asked why, we all said 'because he was not a friend, we were not close, he rarely spoke to me etc...' The Manager said 'but he was your colleague!' One (brave) woman said 'listen Steve! We're not going, because we couldn't stand the man. He was rude, moody, misogynistic, and treated the lower grade staff like shit. We're not gonna be standing there pretending we care that he's dead.'

The Manager was stunned, when this woman said this. Had no reply though, as he knew we had a right to refuse.

Weirdly, most people didn't say anything to us, (about not attending the funeral,) and we think that was because they knew why. Basically, they knew what he was like...

In response to is so sad etc (when it clearly wasn't):

'It was a mercy in the end'
'At least the suffering is now over'

He was certainly a unique character and no-one will replace him
His death was timely and he is no longer suffering
Its such a shame the last months of his life were spent in lockdown

rest assured grieving people say strange things so as you say collect a few one liners and be thankful there can't be a wake

I suppose everybody's different but, unless there are people who would be upset by you not attending a funeral, I just wouldn't bother at all.

My thinking is that if you don't like or have respect for somebody when they're alive, what's the point when they're dead? Why put yourself through it?

If your appearance would make a positive difference to somebody you care about though, fully understand.

I think there's so much fakery about 'paying respects' when there aren't any, it's just done 'for show'.

Having had similar issues in the past, I would suddenly have to go into isolation due to possible Covid exposure. The one thing Covid actually helps with!

My grandfather was abusive - verbally and physically. It was known by many, ignored by some and totally glossed over by others because he was wealthy and donated to charity. Apparently this makes up for punching your wife and locking your children in dark rooms. He died recently.

I replied to the nice comments with “thank you for your words and for coming. Living to 95 is an achievement.” No lies, I was thanking them for their words, even if they weren’t true!

I’m sorry, it’s really hard. I had very difficult feelings.

He’ll be missed covers it. An honest statement. Then move swiftly on.

If there is a funeral.......and you go...

Hopefully you’ll have a chance to meet with 1 or 2 others you’ve not seen in awhile.

OR it’ll be an online funeral and you can just watch - and possibly cringe at the homilies!

"You 'll really miss him"

" I remember that wonderful lunch/evening/walk we all had in Slough."
"Sorry for your loss"
"Let's raise our glasses to him; "To Bob".
If desperate, just admire the flowers, or the lovely service.

If everyone feels the same there’s no need to be fake

Yes, I imagine it's much easier if everyone sees it the same way. It's much harder if you have a toxic relative who has always been kind and loving to their favourites, but manipulative and nasty to others.

I'm in this situation, and it's very difficult because I can't really say anything without upsetting the relatives that this person has been genuinely lovely to.

@Butterflypaper

I completely agree with a PP with the "Thank you for coming" or "It's good to see you" response to whatever's been said, rather than feeling cornered into agreeing with them how very sad it is etc and end up saying things that you don't really feel just to be socially polite.

Even if most people there suspected it wasn't the easiest of relationships for you, they will also do the socially polite thing of saying "how sad" etc because that's what you say at funerals. Nothing wrong with not actually addressing that back directly, just swerve it.

I once worked with a lovely colleague but who, if anyone asked her a direct question she didn't want to answer, I noticed she would literally say something completely different.

i.e "X, what were the managers arguing about when you took the papers into their office? Looked juicy".

X: "My Internet went down last night right in the middle of my online banking. I didn't know if I'd finished the payment or not. I'm going to ring them up today and tell them I'm thinking of ditching them".

She did this with a completely straight face and without any recognition at all of what you'd just asked. It was a lesson to me (who'd been brought up to answer a direct question with a direct answer even if I didn't want to) that you could actually literally just swerve things and most will not pick you up on it. And if they do, she'd just say something else completely different. You'd have to be a really pushy person to then say 'You just completely ignored my question". Somehow it would have been awkward

She must have attended the Politician's academy

Everyone miraculously becomes a perfect person after death - the elderly, the little toerags on the TV who have died because they were running from police in a TWOK'd car - suddenly they are just little angels who are misunderstood and the miserable old bats become benign old ladies.

You don't have to perform grief! If you don't go to the funeral that's fine. If you do go, just try and have a nice day. The funerals I've been to which were genuinely very sad affairs were of those who died sadly and tragically young or unexpectedly. For older family members you just tend to 'enjoy' the day, and celebrate their lives as it were. You certainly don't need to walk around trying to squeeze some tears out.

Thank you for coming.
I’m needed in the kitchen.

I have decided to remain strong and not discuss the person in detail.